It's been one of those weeks where I feel like hopping over to the divorce support discussions. If you need the story, look back at Suffering Silently...I think it's on page 2 now.

H is away for the month and barely has time to call. It's hard being alone with all of this time to think about what happened. My son keeps me busy but today, my sister watched him. The minute they left, I felt like crying. I tried to go running (exercies is supposed to relieve stress) but that's hard to do when you're on the verge of crying.

It's been a year since H told me about the A. OC will be turning a year in August. There are times when I thought I had totally forgiven him. But now my love bank is in the red, I'm angry, resentful, and he is not here. No one knows about this A so you all are it! Although we've been working on the marriage, H seemed to be "giving up" before he left for this trip. Now I am ready to do the same. I don't think God meant for marriage to be this painful. I have tried to do everything in my life according to God's will. I put great effort into our marriage and continued to after the affair to try to make it work. It's been a year, and I have no more effort to give.

What will God think if I give up?

Dear Bon Marie

Your post sounds so sad and so riddled with pain, it broke my heart. It reminded me of myself "back then". The pain was so horrible for the first two and a half years, I could hardly function. I might be 'slower' than most to recover, but recovery did begin for me...I'm not quite sure when it began, but it did begin.

It was subtle. There were no announcements from on high or any demarcation point where I can tell you the when pain stopped...all I can do is tell you that the pain does stop eventually. Everyone's clock is different.

The pain you are feeling is the worst possible pain imaginable, except perhaps that of loosing a little one...nothing could compare to that, but in the world of infidelity and betrayal, the needle gets buried in the 'pain-o-meter'.

The ONLY thing that compounds and surpasses the horror of discovery is finding out the betrayal produced an OC.

Those of us on this site who have survived this soul crushing experience and have been here a while will tell you that you will survive this as well. It is not unusual for couples who work a program of recovery using the Harley methods to see each other in an entirely new light and find a healing that is lasting and sublime. Many couples find they come back from this more connected, more in love and more committed than ever before. There are so many challenges to face together with the presence of the OC, support issues, deciding if there will be contact or not, but most of all and MOST importantly above everything else, each person in the marriage must, without reservation, put the other spouse first and foremost in their lives...forsaking ALL others. When you get to the point where you feel the two of you have healed enough, then perhaps you can look at incorporating others into your life. Trauma of this magnitude requires your undivided attention towards each other and to your own family before anything else can even be considered.

During the healing process of reconnecting, I believe it is important to not only practice the Harley principles, but to try other things to bring you two back to each other. My husband and I atteneded Retrouvaille, which is a program conducted through the Catholic church. Anyone of any faith can attend. It is a program for troubled marriages that has an 80% success rate. For information, look at their web site at www.retrouvaille.org for more information.

In the meantime, to get through these dark days, just keep posting here and reading the Harley material and go ahead and cry. Grieving these losses you've endured will hasten your recovery. Don't let anyone dictate to you that it's taking you too long because it will take as long as it has to in order to get through this.

Just keep moving forward best you can and realize you will make progress one day and slip back to D-Day on others. But each time you get up and move forward again, you will be stronger each and every time...and don't beat yourself up for slipping back...we all do that.

Someday, three or four years from now, if you and your husband have worked a program of recovery and are recommited to each other and find your peace and oneness with each other, you will be offering compassionate guidance to newcomers who are suffering and giving them hope by your example.

Don't despair, this site is here for you and all the kind and loving and sensitive people here who are all too familiar with your pain and are sending you love and support. Stay close to God, pray constantly for strength, guidance and forgiveness and trust that He is in control and can care for you better than you can care for yourself and help you through this and ease your pain. Work the Harley principles, post on this site and read everything you can for answers and understanding. Even if the answers elude you for a time, you will gain a measure of understanding. Pray for patience and ask God to take the pain from you so you can think more clearly...ask Him to help you to not obsess.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, Bon Marie...you are not alone as long as you come here...sadly, you have a lot of company. But this is not a morose group of "ain't it awful"...while we do have our moments of issues that cause us pain, we rally to help each other through the difficult periods and rejoice in each others' victories.

God bless and comfort you, Bon Marie.

Love

Catnip =^^=

Bon Marie--

It does sound like our stories are simmilar. When my husband finally began to come around, we found out about the pregnancy. Ack.

Here's one question I have, that I couldn't find in any of your posts. Why are you keeping this a secret? One thing I have found that makes life 100% better for me (and that's just me) is to talk about what is going on. I tell everybody--my family, my coworkers, everyone, what is going on, from the A to the OC to the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my husband (which, for some reason, shamed me the most).

I used to joke that I would tell strangers on the street my story. I know that signifies bad boundaries. However, I felt it necessary to heal to "testify" about my experience and how I got myself where I was.

One amazing thing I have discovered in this process is that people do not judge me. They are very supportive of my decisions, even the one to stay with my H and work it out. The ones who don't support me are clearly crazy (my inlaws), and who wants to be a part of that anyway?

I know you have good reasons for staying silent, but for me speaking out has been incredibly healing. In any case, I hope things improve for you--remember that you will be ok if you heal, no matter what happens in the marriage!

EJ

I understand the need for secrecy as I find all this very embarrassing and ...er, distasteful. I hate the way some people who know of our situation look at my husband as if he is a fool or worse, lacking integrity. It shames me to see people look at my husband with disrespect for what he has done. There is a huge part of me that takes all this very personally, as if it is a reflection of me because we have been together so long. They don't udnerstand the dynamics of our marriage or of us...those secret places only the married couple can know of, so their derision of him hurts me too.

Some people don't understand how I can stay with my husband after what he did to me, not even knowing about the OC situation. Of they knew, they would think me out of my mind. That's why this is none of anyone's business but our own.

they can't begin to know of my love for him or his renewed devotion to me and the incredible progress we have m,ade...they would only mock and/or judge us. So, I say, why give these morons ammunition? I figure why not maintain some dignity and post our stuff here instead of with acquantances...those who love us and worry about us wasting our life with someone not worthy and those who would enjoy our pain at our expense. (There are people out there like that)
Just my impression of human nature...

Catnip =^^=

bm,,,, i must say that i agree with ejmom about talking to people.i did just that when i found out about fh. at first it was quite heartbreaking to tell my story but as ejmom said i was very surprised to see how many people supported my decision to try and work things out.

Catnip--

I totally hear you!

I think maybe the reason I am so big on what I call "testifying" is because I kept so much secret for so long. My husband was incredibly abusive to me--emotionally, sexually, spirtually, economically, not physically thank goodness, but I think that is only because he knew if he hit me I would leave.

I kept all that abuse secret for four years, so when I finally got out, part of my particular healing was to talk about stuff to everyone.

I don't know what the middle ground is, but I do understand the desire to keep embarrasing things secret. For me, I felt a LOT LOT of shame and anger at myself, so I was embarrased to tell people for fear what they would think of me. I think my reply to Bon Marie is just to let her know that if that's what the reason for secrets are, my experience has been that the people who love you love you no matter what, and what a freeing discovery that has been for me!

thx!
EJ

EJ

I hear you too. When discovery first hit me, I flew to another city on business and broke down in a cab sobbing the whole sordid story to the driver. She was a hard old thing with some colorful expletives telling me where she would slice up the old man if she were me. Hahaha

It was weird how such a private person such as myself could gut myself to strangers while in the most excruciating pain of my life. I think for me, I could spill my guts to anonymous strangers I would never see again. The anonymity helped me maintain some dignity.

Having said that, I remember one dark night just weeks after d-day while at a party with my college girl friends during our quarterly "book club" meeting (we never read a thing...just an excuse to get together) where I broke down and spilled my guts thinking it was a safe place to do so...and you know, I think it was. While ironically I do NOT remember what I said or my words, just the looks of absolute horror on the face of my friends which I remember the most (they all looked like they were watching brain surgery or a horse shytting in their living room), the impact of my situation garnered me much empathy.

I felt like a cry baby, they all wanted to defend me with mob mentality and descend on my unsuspecting sleeping husband with crazy glue or scapels. It was a very, very emotional night. It was if they wanted to do something terrible to Bipolar as an act in effigy to somehow keep the curse from their door.

Aside from that group of seven women, none of my grown kids know of the OC nor do our families, other friends and outside acquaintances. We strongly feel it is none of their business especially since there is not nor ever will be any contact.

My attorney and accountant and insurance man do know, however, because we got a faux divorce in February 2000 to protect me from the grasping greedy hands of the OW who was working every angle to get the substantial equity in our house. They had to know in order to help me with the paperwork and to put to bed (no pun intended) any fears they may have had that I was trying to screw (hahaha) my husband.

By and large, I still fervently believe this is the best place to tell people our stories...or the stranger driving cab in another city. I think I spoke more honestly to her than I ever did with anyone else about all this...perhaps even the people here.

Even though we are anonymous here for the most part, we spend so much time together that even though we do not know each others' names, we are building a history and a kinship with one another and we are even a bit guarded here at times...especially this past year since we have some OW's here that critique us for what we say and think.

Regardless, I strive to tell the truth about what I think and feel despite any criticism that may come my way because I cannot help what pops into my head and no one but me knows the true dynamics of the entire story behind it all. The same goes for you and anyone else on this site. Say whatever you want about anything that has happened to you or how you think and feel about it. Most of us understand and concur.

God bless.

Catnip =^^=