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Dawn71 Offline OP
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Hello,
I was just wondering who does not know if OC is there H or not? And if not knowing is effecting their heeling process?

Dawn

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Dawn,

Thanks for your reply on my thread.

No, we do not even know for sure if there is an OC. After a couple of contacts when she decided to tell my H she was pregnant after their one night stand we have lost all contact. We are too fearful of opening a can of worms, to seek out the info ourselves - such as - did she even have a baby? I even drove by once a year ago to see if there were any signs of a baby living in the home. I can just bury this all so well for awhile but subconciously it is eating away at me and every so often it comes to the surface. I am quite sure this is keeping me from letting myself heal entirely. Plus, I can not get the visions out of my head.

Carrie

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Dawn71 Offline OP
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Carrie,
I too think not knowing is preventing me from healing. I know there is a child but do not know if it is my H. Well, I did find out she filed for assistance and she named my H as the father but has not send the child support papers back. And my H did tried when the baby was born to find out if the baby was his but she just hung the phone up on him. And now he does not want to do anything.

A lot of people say just let it go but knowing she named my H as the father, how can I just let it go.

Dawn

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We dont know for sure if our daughter is my husbands or not. He knows about the affair, he knows she may not be his, but he does not want a paternity test done and neither do I. The OM knows I was pregnant and knows there is a chance that she could be his, but he has gone on with his life too with his wife and they are working on recovery too. I have not gone after him for child support and dont plan on doing so. His wife knows about the affair but does not know that the child could be his. If he ever tells her, thats his business, because we have no intentions of telling her. Like I said, they are working on their marriage and we are working on ours. We have our total truth and honesty, my husband loves our daughter no matter what and she is his in his eyes, heart and soul for always.

<small>[ July 15, 2002, 04:41 PM: Message edited by: AnnLovesCharlie ]</small>

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Dawn,

I am in the same boat as you are. OC is due in a couple of months and we still don't know really if my H is the father or not. Dates don't really match up but my luck the doctor was wrong. Our C told H and I that I really won't be able to start the healing until we know for sure. Just wanted to share alittle bit with you. I am just praying all the time that God grants us this miracle. I will pray for you too!(((((HUGS)))))

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Dawn71 Offline OP
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Ann,
Are you ever going to find out? Are you going to your D that your H might not be her bio-father?

Destroyedbyhusband,

I remmber your story and my OC will be one in October. Her due date was Oct. 20 and Ultrasound but it at Oct. 16. So, there is a chance OC is my H. Thanks for sharing about what your C said. If your OW does not want Child Support are you going to find out?

Dawn

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I am so glad i got on here today...i had a really rough weekend with coping and even lost my cool for a few minutes. This not knowing sometimes if this baby is his kills me...along with praying its not his, i have awful thoughts about her and the coming months while waiting....she isnt due til dec, so she says. we are in different states so theres no way of know and like carriemom...she no longer contacts us either...and im scared to death to contact her. H just puts it out of his mind...I cant do that
hnl

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I usually just lurk but this thread really got to me.
My H had a one night stand. Possible OC was born in March and we have just passed D-day(1year). OW has had very limited contact with my H and my H does not want to know if OC is his. It is killing me inside because I really feel the need to know. I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have no idea what she expects from him and he will not call to even find out. Papers have been sent to him but he has been out of the country and even when he comes back he just says "let's see what happens". She is in another state and doesn't even know how to spell his name right. I think that this is very interuptive in our lives and I have told him that I don't think that it will make it any better to wait. I have told him that I will go along with whatever he decides but he won't decide anything!! Alot of times I feel like we are back to square one and I don't know how much longer I can stay here(at square one). It is really depressing me, I wasn't sure that I was depressed until I read alot of posts and I saw myself in the posters.

This is just awful and I hate to say it but I feel better when he is gone, I feel more like me. He comes home soon and I want him too but I am also dreading it. How bad is that??

Sorry for rambling.

VS&H

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Dawn71 Offline OP
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Hurt n Lost,
I am sorry to hear about your weekend. I know it does it get better with time. How are you doing today?

Dawn

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Hello,
I was wondering if OW does not want to child support, would you just let it go and don't do anything or will get the DNA test done. It seems that not knowing is preventing from healing.

Dawn

<small>[ July 15, 2002, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</small>

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Hi Dawn,

I don't know if the above post was for me but I would really like him to take a DNA test so we can know for sure. I have no problem(any more) paying the CS if the child is his, but I really need to know so we can move on.

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Verysadandhurt,

I know exactly how you feel about just wanting to know and ending it and moving on with the relationship, healing - whatever but moving on! Yet, here I sit scared to do anything about it. I am with you in thoughts all the way, take care!

Carrie

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Dawn71 Offline OP
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verysadandhurt,
Thanks for your reply. The question was meant for anyone not knowing if OC is there H or not. I kind of feel same the way. However, money is very tight now and that might be why my H won't do anything.

I thought that I was only one that felt that my H should do something.

Dawn

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Carrie and Dawn
thanks for your reply, it's nice to know that someone truly knows what you are going through and how you feel.

I also worry about our children and what it will do to us financially. I don't think my H worries about that. I have told him that chooses to sit in a "comfort zone" and that it is time for him to get "uncomfortable and get his head out of the sand" and face reality. I know that is probably not a good thing to say but I feel like I am the only person that worries about this.

Thanks again for listening

VS&H

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Just a side note from one who has to pay CS and whose H had a positive id from DNA...

Because our Ex-OW was on assistance from the state, the state got involved in our CS case and wanted us to pay almost $600 a month plus other expenses and with a review every three years etc. etc...

what saved our butts was filing a paternity suit first to establish paternity and in a higher court...Thanks be to God, Ex-OW and our atty reached an out of court settlement. We feel the pinch, but it could have been much worse for us.

From the moment I found out when ex-ow called me, I insisted on doing it legally. I figured we would have to pay anyway if the child is Mr."T"'s might as well forge ahead, get legal representation and at least we would "Know".

Fortunately, we live in a state that makes us pay once it's filed. Not retroactive to the child's conception and birth and prenatal stuff.

I'm fortunate to not be in y'all's shoes of worrying and wondering. Perhaps to save yourselves alot of heartache later, perhaps it's time to seek legal counsel and protect yourself...and we have seen it, albeit rarely, people do have "get out of jail free" cards...the DNA does come back negative at times. If it were me, I would want to know.

Unless the ex-ow made it extremely clear that she doesn't want your H's in their lives, then you can assume that one day the shoe will drop and one day you will have to shell it out. I wouldn't want to develop an ulcer worrying for five years, then having ex-ow get in a pinch when she needs money and then the state going after you for thousands of dollars.

To me, it makes sense, "an ounce of prevention equals a pound of cure..." but then again, if our H's kept it at home we wouldn't even have had to worry about our pound of cure already...*sigh* <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyways...this is coming from me, it's my opinion. Instead of sitting and wondering, I would do something about it. If my H just let it sit in the back of his mind, I would have to have a serious talk about with him.

That's just me, I don't know y'all's situation. I do care about y'all...which is why I hate to see you worrying...wondering.....and developing ulcers while you wait for something to happen

Hugs and prayers to ya,
Twiisty

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Twiisty,

I have had the serious talk with my H and he still is sitting on his butt! I think he has it in the back of his head that I am going to take care of this just like I did with everything else. I can't take the paternity test for him so I am stuck playing the waiting and worrying game.

VS&H

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VS&H,

I'm sorry to hear that....my heart goes out to you and all the others whose H's cannot or willnot ease everyone's mind...

It isn't easy all around, I'll continue to pray for y'all....

Twiisty

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Dawn71 Offline OP
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verysadandhurt,
I wanted to say I know how you feel. I feel the same way. My H did contacted her at the beginnig but she just hung up and now my H won't do anything. He just wants to see what happens too. I also had some talks to get him to find out but he just says wait. I know there is a child support case opened but OW has not filled out the paper work or tried to get in contact with my H to get the information.

Dawn

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I am one of the lucky and blessed receipients of the "get out of jail free card".

And I too say .... yes .... go get the DNA.

Regardless of our results, I would have been glad to know for sure. For 1.5 years I had the thought in the back of my mind.

Not knowing can impeed healing ... but it doesn't have to. If both parties can conceed to the fact that there is an OC, both parties can move beyond it with hard work. But if not knowing for sure is hindering progress of just one of the partners, something has to give.

For those of you who's husbands are resisting DNA, keep working on those communication skills. Work on discussing feelings without putting tons of heavy emotion in it. Explain rationally (without crying or yelling) that by getting the DNA you husband will be fulfilling your emotional need. All at the same time remember to work on fulfilling his needs, whatever they may be.

Good luck to all,
Z.

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Hi Dawn

This is very good You know I had no idea that not knowing prolongs the healing process.

You kinda know my situation. My H family and I don't believe that this child is his. H lied and said he had a test we don't believe him. I'm going to do some investigating to find out whether he took a test or not.

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