Something that came up in MC yesterday (yay, back in MC and doin' fine!)...

We seem to be plauged by the concept of loyalty at our house. Besides the obvious A, we are having issues with my in-laws' lack of loyalty toward us.

It seems I have always seen family as loyal to their own--but in my current experience loyalty is based on need. For example--the XOW needed a family, my H needed some things from a wife he wasn't getting from me. So, their loyalties were too their needs. Now, the XOW has found a family in my in-laws. They need to be able to have a D-I-L who is a pushover and will allow their passive/aggressive style. She still needs a family. So, there you go--my H and I out in the cold because the loyalty is to need, not people.

I suppose I do the same--my loyalty was to my need for peace and trust, not my H last year when I kicked him out. Now my loyalty is to myself because I have been LBing all over the place regarding this in-law stuff. Poor H doesn't deserve it, I just get sooooooooo angry and hurt.

Any thoughts on what real loyalty is, and how to forgive someone's loyalty to a need instead of to you?

Does any of this even make sense? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
EJ

For eighteen blissful years, I described Bipolar (my husband) as "Dog Loyal".

He consistently forsake all others for me, and I for him. No one came before my hsuband, not even our kids, and no one came before me, not even our kids, friends, parents...

We used to sit on the sofa together in the evening occasionally talking about how lucky we were and how wonderful it felt to be each others own very special person...to have someone that was just ours and being only with each other. We loved our fidelity. It made us both feel so special and so secure, so loved and so joyful, so connected and so "one". Just thinking about the way we were makes me tear up just writing this, remembering. Bitter-sweet.

My gratitude never wavered nor did I ever take what we had for granted. I thanked God always for our specialness and have mourned the loss of all that was ever since.

Since the recovery and healing process has been underway, Bipolar and I have found we have ascending to another level of commitment and udnerstanding, forgivenss and love that loved in spite of the fall from grace, in spite of the hurtful things done and said. He has become humble. No more false bravado, arrogance or ego. Yes, he was slapped down, and slapped down hard which really has harmed his confidence in himself, yet on the other hand, he ahs learned so much about himself and his illness and disease and found a medication to keep his brain chemistry from allowing him to engage in destructive behavior.

Bipolar has become so incredibly sweet and loving and so incredibly unselfish thinking of me first, in spite of his problems, I love who he is becoming and have faith and trust in a new loyalty emerging for both of us.

While I long for the days of fidelity and freedom from having this OW/OC anchor around out necks for the rest of our lives, I am grateful for this new awareness of each other and amazed at the true strength of our love and coimmitment to each other. That in itself is a gift of monumental proportions that I never would have known had none of this happened.

Don't get me wrong, I am finding a lot of difficulty to find gratitude for our situation to be sure, but I am very grateful for my husband's restoration of his integrity and depth of love, which was in a weird way a blessing in some very profound ways.

I am three and a half years into this, having the hard part and the hard road we traveled, from D-Day to now, behind us for the past seven months. It took all that time of one step forward and ten steps back to get to where we are today. And I am here to tell you I have come to the conclusion that he and we were worth the rocky journey.

To me, loyalty is putting God and husband first and foremost, then kids, parents and family followed by good and loyal friends. It means to be kind to outsiders but never ever put them before the people who mean the most to you under any circumstances because those others often come and go sometimes leaving destruction in their wake. When the chips are down, it is your spouse and family that one should be able to turn to, knowing they would never betray you...or you them.

Just my not so humble

Catnip =^^=