I have been browsing the different posts here for a couple of weeks and now I am ready to tell my story and take any advice. H had one night stand 2 1/2 years ago but I didn't find out until OW contacts a friend of H to tell him she has a 3 month old son. H and OW have not had contact since that night and there was no ongoing A. She was since engaged to someone else and thought she knew for sure OC was his (OC has fiance's name) but OW's fiance's felt OC was not his and got DNA test. When I found out I was competely devestated and insisted on DNA test - test comes back H is the father. OW first claimed she would not file CS and would work out private arrangement - but that didn't last long - she is very bitter that she lost fiance'/father for her child and H and I are working things out. H wants absolutely nothing to do with OC so she filed CS and we are now dealing with that. I thought our marriage was excellent and so does everyone that knows us - but H was unhappy and never uttered a word. He pretended for along time that everything was fine but in actuality he has a strong desire for oral sex and felt very embarrassed to express that to me so he tried to get that elsewhere which led to one night stand. He now says how rediculous and stupid that was and sometimes cries about how he has ruined our life. He is also doing everything I ask to make things right - I asked him to go get an AIDS test and he did without question also. Despite all of that I still feel I cannot get past this - it is too hard. I believe with all his heart he loves me but I feel so strongly about cheating that I sometimes want to split up. We used to have something really special and I feel like we can never get that back again - We went to C for 4 months and it got better but still not right - Are you ever truly happy again? please help

Gingersweet,

Sure, lots of people are "happy" again after dealing with this sort of thing. You've lost the innocence of your marriage with this affair, and that can never be restored. It's unlikely that you'd even feel 100% should you divorce your husband and remarry someone else.

You don't indicate that you have children. There are legitimate reasons to be concerned about having to support this OC for an additional 16 years and it's impact on raising a family of your own. But if that's not a major issue---most of what you've got to do is to get over the emotional aspects of it. I'd suggest that you either continue with the marriage counseling and perhaps do some individual counseling. It sounds like your husband is doing his job to restore the marriage---the ball's in your court.

If possible, give this at least a couple of years past your discovery, to allow yourself time to heal. It's not something that most people simply 'get over' in a short period of time. But I'd really suggest that you work on this through counseling, and through the forgiveness angle. Your husband made a mistake---granted, it's a biggie and he's going to be paying for that for a while. But in the overall scheme of things, people around here have recovered from much worse.

Ginger,

I don't have a whole lot to add to what K has said. He's been around "FOREVER" and really knows what he's talking about. I just want to welcome you to this board, and assure you that many have been in your situation, and have rebuilt their M's into something even better, cause they can now address what they did or didn't know was wrong to make them get to this point!

Have you read much about the principles on this site? They are amazing, and truly work! Look into them and the suggested reading as well! Apply them to your M and life, and things can and will begin to re-adjust and things will get better.

One last thing, just remember that rebuilding takes work on both the H's and W's part, and you both need to work together! Keep posting and reading, and come here for any advice whenever necessarry.

Tigger

Welcome--I'm new too and this has been a lifesaver for me!

One thing I wanted to add--from my odd perspective as a counselor AND a BS--

Oral sex cannot be the only reason he was unhappy. The MB principles explain it best, but basically there has to be a pattern of things missing to initiate a distancing and affair. Think of it this way--if all else was great, the oral sex issue would have been on the table and discussed. After all, once you've farted and peed in front of someone, what is there to be embarrassed about? Now, this is not to blame you--my H never told me ANYTHING (ex-compulsive liar). It is so hard to learn that you are going along living one life when in reality you were wrong about all your assumptions--that's how I felt, anyway.

I encourage you to stick around, hang in there and keep the faith, girl!
EJ

Welcome Gingersweet,

I wanted to take a second to give you a warm welcome. Please know you have found your sanctuary. This place has saved mine and many other's lives. Without the thoughtful, considerate and wise posters here, I surely would be a single mother that was forever bitter.

Not so, I'm a happy BS thrilled to have discovered a NEW marriage. My new rebuilt marriage is based on a solid foundation of trust, hope, faith in God, and an understanding that TOGETHER we can conquer ANYTHING.

It comes with time and energy. I think Tigger said it best. You have to work together. If you feel stuck it's time for some deep self examination to WHY. Have you not forgiven completly? Do you feel resentment that this child will receive financial assitance from your family for the next 16 years? Is you H truely meeting your emotional needs? Are you satisfied with your efforts to rebuild? Have you correct your behavior that led to the affair?

What did you counselor say about your husband's reasoning that he just wanted oral sex? I would personally have a problem with that. My H said that he wanted better oral sex. Bottom line...we weren't communicating and we weren't getting our needs filled. Admitting it to each other was the first step to correcting it.

Hope I didn't lay too much on you on your first post. Stick with it. There is a fabulous rainbow at the end of the struggle. Be there to enjoy it with him.

Z.

To all that replied,
Thanks so much for the good advice. our C did not say oral sex was the only problem my H was unfaithful - it was his lack of communication and with me and trying to live up to the image of this "perfect husband". As we got deeper into counseling my C brought out things in H he never knew existed. He has been hiding his true self from childhood. He was raised by a single alcoholic mom who died at 39. I never knew his mom was an alcoholic until 2 years into our marriage. When we went to counseling he admitted that deep down he never felt he was good enough for me because of the type of family I come from etc. So things he felt would make himself look bad to me he would hide them. I now realize as I look back there was a lack of communication for a long time, but my H always went with the flow and never complained about anything in our marriage - that is why I was so shocked by the A. Through counseling he now realizes I can't fix what I don't know about and I married him with faults and all. He is doing everthing to communicate and tell me everything good and bad - It's still the fact of the OC and CS to get past for me. We have 2 kids and he is like mr. mom so splitting up my family would be so painful but I live in an emotional jail everyday trying to deal

I really like your analogy of an "emotional jail".

I too am plauged by this feeling that, on one hand, things are going well so who am I to complain about it? My H is communicative, he doesn't lie now, he is honest and open and doing everything he can to make this work.

And on the other hand--HE CHEATED ON ME AND HAD A KID, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

There was a post a while back about your heart and your head--how to make one match the other. I don't know if I can provide any advice, because again--blind leading the blind. But I know that it's normal, and I can only hope it gets better in time... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
EJ