I have recently found myself on what I sincerely hope is not the losing end of a marriage in which my husband found outside relations with another woman. About two months ago, the man who I have spent the last 25 years of my life loving, and the last 19 years married to, told me that he had been developing feelings for someone else for the last few months. This woman is not only married herself but is also a co-worker from a branch of their company in another province. To begin with, he told me of his own volition out of respect for me when he opened his birthday card telling him how much I loved him. He thought I was indifferent at the very least to him. This type of behaviour does not fit his personality, nor is he the type that would advocate extramarital activities.
When confronted with his reasoning for becoming involved in such an affair, he was shocked to find that I was not only upset, but heart broken as well. All forms of intimacy had been absent from our marriage for a long time. While not the desired effect, it became the status quo of our relationship.
We discussed the problems we had been having, and the reasons the relationship had come to this, and decided to try to make the necessary changes, in order to make our relationship work. So, we decided that he would establish closure with her, and we would make the necessary changes to make our relationship go in a direction that we both desired once again.
My husband and I sought out professional help, and we each took steps to work on the areas, which we had identified as being the main problem areas for each other. The past two months had been, in my eyes, likened to a new beginning. We had spent much more enjoyable time together, had more appreciation for each other’s contributions into the relationship, and I thought we had been given a second chance.
Last Wednesday, however, he informed me that our marriage was over. He communicated to me that he was unable to get over this other woman, could not stop thinking about her, and could not continue his marriage to me, because he wanted to see if they could have a future together. She was still with her husband when she and my husband began their affair on a company trip. Only after my husband went and told her of his recommitment to me did she move away from her husband.
I feel like my life is over. I am finding it impossible to apply myself to my job and am missing a very important deadline. There are only three of us in our office and none of them can do my job for more than a few days. It is a nightmare for a few days after I take a week’s holiday. Every morning I wake up and wonder how I’ll make it through another day. I remember how strongly we felt about each other when we met, listen to the way he claims to feel about this other woman, and am terrified that, if it is true, there is no chance of reconciliation for the two of us. He tells me he still loves me and his repeated the sentiments to his father and sons. I have left the marital home to go stay with family. I am being told that it is good and healthy to mourn the end of my marriage and that I need to find the strength to build a future for myself. While I know this rationally, I cannot help but think that he will come to his senses, realize that not only is it not a viable relationship, but that he doesn’t have the support of any of his family and friends. His sons, sister and father are being very supportive to me and not very supportive of him. They are totally shocked by his actions. He’s the last man on earth to have done what he did.

Does anybody have any advice for me? How long will this pain be debilitating for me? Is there any way to get him back? What are chances he’ll change his mine? All told they have really only been together less than 2 weeks over a six-month space of time. Everything else was on cell phone or email.
How do I move on when I cannot let go of my past? Is there anything I can do to help myself out such as a routine that can help me find the process to begin to believe I can get through this? Anything would be greatly appreciated. I start psychological counselling tomorrow.

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 03:46 PM: Message edited by: lostinmanitoba ]</small>

{{{Lostinmb}}}

Your screen name caught my eye. I am in Manitoba too.

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been going through.

This is a good place to be. There are lots of people who have heard the same words as you have from their wayward spouse, but whose marriages have been restored.

You might want to post this on General Questions where there is more activity.

I have been here a long time, and my situation is somewhat different and more complicated. The MB principles don't really apply in my situation, but I think your situation is classic MB, and that there is lots of hope.

My personal feeling is that sometimes things have to work themselves out and that you can come out of this with a stronger more committed and loving relationship in time.

Some of the positive things I see is that your H was willing to work on improving things. It may well be that as he said, the only way to get this woman out of his mind is to find out that the reality of being with her is not like the fantasy.

Another positive is that she has a husband- and she will be finding out the same thing- that switching partners is not going to bring her happiness.

In the end they will both find out that it isn't worth what they would be giving up.

In the meantime, you can do some positive things from your end; the main one being to pray; for him and for insight.

Don't give up.

Its not over. This is not the end- its the beginning of a new , more loving marriage. Think of it as finding out that for a long time your relationship has been diseased, but that it can cured by radical surgery.

I have learned that to get through this, you have to take one day at a time by praying for the strength and guidance for this one day.

Set aside a time each day to talk to God; to cry and vent.

Eat properly and get enough rest. This is very important.

I have a good feeling that things are going to turn out really well for you, lost.

I will pray for you over on the prayer request board.


Shul

ps:Feel free to email me @

shulamitewm2000@yahoo.com