Hi all,
Haven't been here in ages, but I wanted to post an update. Thought it might be helpful. Since there are many names here I don't recognize, I will start from the beginning.
I was separated almost 3 years ago. Found out about the affair two months later, then found out there were a string of them. Found out 5 months after that that there was a child. I thought we were happily married, so this was devastating.
For the first ...um... at least 9 months of the separation, the ex came by, said he wanted to reconcile, spoke of our future together and begged to come back home. I wanted the fairy tale life I thought we shared, but I also wanted the lies and betrayal to end, so I didn't let him come home until I saw some proof of change. Counseling, behavioral changes, and him just telling the truth about everything.
It never happened, so he never came home.
I tried Plan A, but wasn't very successful at it. There was too much anger in me. He also had some resentment against me, so when I got nice, he got mean.
I tried Plan B, but that wasn't very successful either. When I withdrew, he chased. He knew all the right buttons to push to get me to react. First he tried sentimental things. Then he used threats and intimidation. Things got rough and a Protective Order was issued.
He dragged out the divorce. He punished me monetarily. He kept dragging me to court for petty things.
He paraded his girlfriends around town. I was humilitated. She did so many abusive things to prove that she was the first priority in his life.
I hung in there because I didn't want any of the OWs to win. I wanted to believe in my vows. I wanted to believe he could be the person I fell in love with. I needed to feel needed and loved. I couldn't believe that this was my life. I was in denial. At times I didn't want to live.
I cried. I hid from life and people. I prayed. I felt everyone looked at me as either a fool or they were laughing at me. I went to counseling. And eventually I recovered.
More than a year after separation, but 7 months before the divorce was final, I started seeing a guy. He was wonderful, but it was too soon. I was neurotic. One day I wanted him to be close, and then the next I didn't. He couldn't do anything right because I was so afraid. So, that ended.
I left town and got some perspective. In this new place, nobody knew my shame. Nobody thought this was the center of the world, and there I found myself again. I was able to put things in perspective.
I thought there would never be a day when I didn't question my sanity. I thought the day would never come when I wasn't bombarded with thoughts of this every minute, but it did come. Today I am a great supporter of MB. I am in a fabulous relationship with a man who loves me with all his soul and works the MB system with me. We are ENGAGED! I have a new business. I love my life, and I live in honesty. I have not thought of the ex in ages. I do not deal with girlfriends, lies, or OCs, and I am glad.
My recovery is due in great part to the MB board and all those who supported me here. I also told my story to OC Research (
http://ocresearch.tripod.com). I did this because when I was searching for help, I found none. I did it to help others, but it helped me so much. Now, I don't feel alone.
I know that everyone's choice is individual. I am not advocating that anyone follow my footsteps. We do what we must for the reasons that are most important to us.
I am stronger for the experience. I don't hate OWs anymore. I never hated the OC. I am happy, and I guess that all I wanted to say is that all of you can be too. I also wanted to say thanks to EVERYONE who made that possible.
<small>[ July 19, 2002, 06:51 AM: Message edited by: Popeye1 ]</small>
