Yesterday, Mr."T" came home after working a double shift...no biggie there...we didn't have the money to pay our phone bill, so I guess we were fixing to have our phone cut off...still have it so thank God for small blessings...anyways...I was cleaning his uniform and found a yellow sticky note with some names and numbers...again, no biggie....he runs people all the time...

We are in a good mood, he goes to sleep and I said I would see him later...

I go to the P.O. box to get the mail and ex-ow's return receipts and lo and behold....the last name I saw on the sticky note was OW's new last name...

I tried not to get too mad and went home to ask (a.k.a "confront") Mr. "T" about it...he said that there was a message waiting for him at work that Ex-ow called and that her last name is changed from "W" to "Y" (for the sake of anonymity)...

Part of our POJA and in MC was that He would tell me as soon as possible the moment she tries to contact him in any way, shape or form. I got mad at him for not telling me on the phone last night when I talked to him almost three times on the phone!!! He told me that I was in such a good mood that he didn't want to ruin it. What makes me mad is that he broke a promise...how can we build trust if he doesn't honor that?

I'm thrilled Ex-Ow is married now...even though she never respected our marriage vows, I pray that being a wife now would open her eyes to what a sacred thing marriage is. I pray that she will now do everything to protect her marriage...or if she is still the way she is...nothing will change...but I'm believing better for her.

I'm thrilled that one half of my prayer is answered...that OW did in fact marry fiance-man...now I continue to pray that he would find it in his heart to adopt the OC...not to get out of our financial obligation, but the child deserves to have a better chance at life with them as a unit.

I'm sooooo peeved at Mr."T"....but my Prayer partner gently reminded me today that I didn't give Mr."T" a chance to tell me...it's just amazing how fast it can come back...the anger...the hurt...the betrayel...

He packed his bags to leave last night...I told him that manipulative behavior won't work on me. He's free to go. He stayed.

Sometimes I think we are doing so well and other times I think I'm married to an emotional retard...(no offense to mentally challenged individuals).(I'm deaf myself)

I don't know what else to do any more...we have MC this Monday so this issue will be addressed.

then, above all, I got into it today with him before he left for his extra detail today...
I paged him because I'm sick and feel like a ear infection is coming on in my "good" ear...and he wouldn't answer my pages. I called my friend to page him and tell him that I won't yell at him but have to ask if we have the money to go to the doc's and he called her and told her I got him in trouble at the work now...*sigh* I can't win...I'm sure going to hear about it now...

never had a problem paging him at all.

Oh well.....the worse he can do is ignore me for a few days...

I don't like being emotionally cut off from him and he uses it so well against me.

life sucks today....
Twiisty

Twiisty,

I'm not one for giving advice, I don't feel like I qualify for that yet! But I just wanted to say I can understand your feelings. That trust issue is a hard thing to deal with and earn back. I will say that when Mr. Why does things that make me wonder about his motives and I question him, I know that he just has no clue how he might have just hurt me or brought up those awful, awful feelings again. Sometimes there are things I want to say to him, but when he or I are in one of those good moods I also hate to bring it up.

I sure wish H's OW would find someone to marry. Lord knows she's been after H for 15 years. (that's when she got pregnant with their first ...who died of SIDS (though I question that!)...they had two others before we were together. He's never been married to her, never lived with her, just ...well you know...her! I really don't think there is a man out there that would even be interested in her!

I hope that your OW now being married can perhaps begin to understand how her actions affect your marriage.

Maybe your H reacted the way he did about the page because he was feeling a little upset with himself for not fulfilling your promise to each other by telling you about the phone message.

Again, no words of wisdom, just understanding. I hope you get back to that "good" mood real soon. (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

Take care,

Why

Sorry your feeling so bad.. I do hope your ear gets better, If you go to the dr ask for a sample of the medicine, many of them give them freely.
also explain money is tight right now and that you would like samples and if he has to give you a prescription make sure it is something that isnt as expensive.

another thing you can do is, have a local druggist and just set up an account to pay once a month or so, and you wont have to come up with cash all the time.
The larger chains dont do do that , but local druggist do.

Something that helps is heat, when my kids have an earache we wet a washcloth , microwave it and sick it in a zip lock and lay it on ear, the heat helps the pain alot.

sounds silly but it helps.

I am happy Ow remarried, I hope he is loving to her child and they make a new family together, that would be great for OC.

Hope your feeling better.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 20, 2002, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

twiisty,
you've got a hard row to hoe.

I'm not surprised your H didn't want to tell you... that sounds like the kind of thing my H would've done (conflict avoidance!), at least before he realized that avoiding conflict was causing more trouble than it was worth and made an effort to change.

Anyway, I'm sorry for your pain. Hang in there...
Prayers,
J

Dear Twiisty

Maybe with time your husband will learn how to finesse (bullshyt) his way out of these tight situations like mine does. Had it been Bipolar that got caught withholding information like that, he would have said, "I told you! I am sure I told you...didn't I?" Then he would be ultra charming and do something ridiculous like tickle me or something equally as stupid to break the ice. But then, I am married to a child who has "disarming" down to a science.

But, it all boils down to the trust issue, doesn't it? They (WS's) crave and desire trust more than anything yet they continue to sabotage because of your basic cowardess, I suppose. I do believe that if you were in high spirits that he didn't want to bring you down, but to breach your agreement puts a crack into the fragile POJA the two of you have agreed to.

I hate it when they do the silent treatment for vengeance...it is so passive-aggressive and manipulative. I am glad you told him to go ahead a pack and go and that you weren't going to buy into his lame drama.

Bipolar used to behave like your husband early on. He sure doesn't do that anymore but then, our roles have changed dramatically and he is the one who is more desperate for the continuation of our unmarriage. It is so weird when that happens. I can't pinpoint exactly when this shift in power occurred. I just noticed one day my husband's willingness to adhere to our agreements became as important to him as they were to me...but, it took nearly three and a half years after D-Day.

Catnip =^^=

PS How are all the kids doing now? Everyone feeling better and doing OK?

Twiisty sometimes it takes a while for H not to come clean about everything. Not an excuse but I have read it here over and over again.

Just when things are calm, ow invades private space expecting your H to react as before.
H TRIES to take care of matter himself and it creates all the [censored] again....

Non-trust...fright...LB's....just to name a few.

We've all been down that road before and it's maddening!

Leaving you out of the mix means the same as leaving you out when A was alive and thriving.

Mr.T has to know this in a gentle reminder.
Let him know lovingly that's how you feel. The "secret" still is going on and it makes you more anxious.

Even if it is harmless sounding to Mr.T.

YOU COME FIRST!

Not oc. Not ow, YOU!

Tell him sweetie.

In a day or two to let him calm down.
He created this fear of paging from ow/you.
He now must step up to the plate and let YOU become the batting coach/manager of your "team".

Hope your good ear is better soon Twiisty.

You are a tough cookie lady!
Hang in there. You have recovered your H's love as God intended.
Pray for peace.

love
Debi

All I have to say is THANK YOU for posting that--it is so nice to see that my reactions are normal!

Ok, it isn't all I have to say heh heh...

I think it is amazing that the WS does that every time. Mine does it too. As soon as we get where things are comfy and back on track, he somehow sabatoges it. Not dramatically, but even a little thing causes big drama in our post-A household. My reactions are so heightened by past hurts that any little thing kept from me seems like starting all over again in the lies and betrayal. We've talked about this (when calmer), and he even admits that he withdraws when he feels things starting to work.

I finally asked him if we were going two steps forward, one step back or if we were the red queen, running faster and faster to stay in the same place. He promised it is two forward, one back.

I see my task as trying not to overreact, which is hard because I react to everything even remotely similar to the A situation. Not to mention anything that looks like he might become abusive again.

What is the deal with that sabotoge thing, anyway?

EJ

I think I got another reprieve on my phone...\o/ Hallelujah!!!! \o/!!!

Today is MC and our counselor called today because I left a message after the blow-up and she just got my message early this a.m.

I told her all that happened and she plans to address it in counseling today. I was told to be quiet and keep my mouth shut...(a hard thing for me to do at times...hee hee.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

BUT...she wants to address Mr."T" today. She feels that he needs to do more work on our relationship. It's nice being affirmed by the Counselor....I like her alot and she's fair...she picks on both of us equally...lol!!!!

Things seem to be ok with Mr."T"...he didn't ignore me and he apologized and told me that he should have told me as per our agreement. I told him he has to put all his clothes away that he packed in his garbage bags....(or else I would throw them out "accidentally" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ....)
I apologized for not giving him the chance to "prove" himself.

Trust is soooo fragile and I don't see how 17 years of trust can be rebuilt...it ain't going to happen overnight.

I'm glad that the "emotional" withdrawing didn't happen. Mr."T" knows that he was a butt the other day. But what steams me is that after a really nice anniversary and a beautiful ring...THIS happens...sheesh.....

Thanks to all who responded and for y'all's support...

Oh, and Catnip, thanks for asking about the kids...they are fine, but Dinobon is way wacked...she has been off her meds for three days as we couldn't afford to buy them...(OW got "hers" first for the OC...which I don't begrudge the child having the money, but at the expense of my family going without)

we are going to try to borrow the money for her meds today so we can get her stabilized before Church Camp this Weds...Please pray for her.

Hugs to y'all.......

Twiisty

Twiisty,

I am glad that your phone is still on "hold" per-se, and that things are better w/Mr. "T". I hope that counseling is good today as well!

How is your ear doing? I know most of your time has been spent on the latest w/xOW and w/Dinobon's meds. I was just wondering if YOU were doing ok.

Love,

Tigger

Twiisty

We couldn't afford the $400 a month for Bipolar's meds either and I got to the point where I could set my watch to his whack out. I found out we qualified for state insurance...only $24 per month and his meds were suddenly $3 per RX...a far cry from $400 plus per month.

Whatever state you are in must have some state program for meds, especially for kids. Search the net for info and go for it. I am so grateful I found this resource or we would reallyt be having problems.

BTW, I heard rom Julia and got your message and will e-mail you later tonight.

Catnip =^^=