We've had the kids for almost four months now, and we are all adjusting okay. I am having the worst trouble. But I am trying hard not to let anyone (but husband) know when my tough moments come.

My family all knew within a few hours of the judge's decision and when we picked up kids. They were sorry (for me) that we felt pursuing custody was the right thing and they were sorry (for me) that the affair happened. Well, thanks for the support. But the ow is not mother material, and we thought it right to pursue, the judge said we get them, so we get them...end of story...we all deal with it and move on.

Nope. My sister lives about 800 miles from us and has not really given much input to our situation until now. And we haven't seen her or her family since the custody decision. Her son is supposed to come to town next weekend to visit my parents. Her new "rule" is that I am not allowed to visit with my nephew unless it is at a public place. She says that her nephew never saw me pregnant so he knows it is not my baby and he is being taught that this is wrong. She is supposedly trying to sheild him from bad behavior. Well, how nice. How about 1) I didn't do anything wrong, and 2) my husband and I are trying to do the best thing in a bad situation, and 3) hello sis have you ever heard of adoption?????? I am just so angry. Now we all get punished because of her petty thinking. And my nephew doesn't get to see my husband taking responsibility for his actions. Okay, nephew may be a little young for that, but what's wrong with letting nephew think they are adopted. They may as well be.

My mom told me this new rule this morning after she was trying to nonchalantly set up a time for me to see my nephew. She kept saying well we could go to the park and grill out or we could meet at a restaurant or...and which day is better for you??? I was confused thinking well I'd just drop in and out of her house while nephew was there not make an appointment. When I finally realized what she was doing and asked, she told me about the new rule. And let's just say I was furious. My sister heard about the the affair (after it was over) and did not keep her kids away from my husband. But now she has the nerve to worry about a two year old harming her six year old. How stupid.

Well, I just told my mom that I wasn't playing the game and that if my sister decided to keep my nephew away from me then it was HER decision not mine. My mom said well, I'll let him call you on the phone after he gets here. Then she said this is your sister's rule, not mine and I can't tell her how to raise her family. Mom said that my sister made her promise to go by her rule in order to get my nephew for the week at all. Well, fine...but I don't have to acknowledge my sister's stupidity. I won't play the game. Can you say livid!!!!!!!

amiee,

I am sorry that this has happened to you. As you said on your reply to my thread... I am with you on this one too.

My sister is still angry about me staying with H and she would love to try this little manipulation thing on me, too… but my niece and nephew are 8 and 6 and they had already seen Lil Bit on the webcam before Christmas, when they first got to hold her and touch her, so she couldn't just stop it by that time.

My sis lives with my parents. She and the kids have been there since before my nephew was born. When I told my parents about the A and coming OC, they were supportive of whatever decision I made. My sister was adamant that I move closer to “home.” But I told her that I was going to make my own life.. Live on my own if need be… and be an adult, after all I am 33 yrs old!
I don’t think that particular part of my statement settled too well on her. She is still the “baby” of the family(29 this year), of course I am the older of 2 children, and my parents are now seeing how they catered to her too much during her upbringing.

Good for you that you stood up to your sister’s “rule” and that you are not going to play that ‘manipulative’ game.

It sure hurts when those you have known all your life seem to turn their back on you… It’s horrible that they feel the need to “kick ya when you’re down.”

Keep your chin up. You have done nothing wrong. You are the one that is trying to make life better for these 2 little children.

(((HUGS))) to you amiee!

aimee,
I'm livid for you....I just don't plain get people anymore...I agree with Stacia...

It's good that you aren't playing the game...I know this was hard on you taking the children in in the first place.

I send ya hugs....and prayers....

((((Hugs))))
Twiisty

Aimee,

I have often wondered how you were doing with the children. I remember when you first got them, and the pain and frustration in your posts! I now see a small shift, in that you still have trouble, but it's not quite as bad as it was 4 months ago! I know that you are going to be a great mom to these kids, whether your sister likes it or not! I agree with Stacia, and with your decision to not bow to your sister's "new rule"! It is not fair to anyone in your family but herself! It is hard on your mom, and nephew, because they don't want to have their time with you be "governed" by this! These kids are now a part of the family, through your H, and your sister needs to realize that! It is better to be honest about it now, than to wait till he is "old enough" to understand! The way the world is today, kids at his age(not all, but a good majority) already know about sex, and exactly how babies are made! Especially if they are in public school! I guess what I am saying is that your sister is going to have a rude awakening when the truth does come out, and her son is angry for her keeping him from spending any time with is Aunt!

Keep up the good work! I know that it will only get better, if you give it time, and let God handle the hard times!

Tigger

Aimee,

How about you call your sister and talk to her about it directly. In her self righteous angst maybe she never thought of the adotion idea.

I dont know what your relationship is like with her, but i'm inclined to think that a little open and honest communication might at least help you each see one another more clearly.

At first I was thinking, yes, perhaps you should call her and talk to her about this. Maybe she didnt think of the adoption idea. But then I thought, your sister is irrational enough to come up with such a hair brained rule and not woman enough to tell you herself about it, how could someone like that possibly listen to reason. You are obviously a very loving person and because of that I know you will be a great mom to both of the children. You and your husband have worked through the A, have come to your agreements about the children and are doing everything you can to be a family. If you can get past everything to be to the point where you are now, and what has happened, HAPPPENED to you... then what is your sisters big deal?? I simply do not get her at all. Sounds to me like one of these days your sister is going to take a fall from her "moral" high horse and when she does that fall will be hard. I so commend you and your husband for being able to come out of all of this and rise above it, in restoring your relationship and in his taking care of the children and for you being able to have a heart big enough to forgive and to love unconditionally. If your sister continues on with this "rule" of hers, you just remember it's her loss not yours. It's just sad that her rule will affect so many innocent people in the process. Personally, if she was my sister and she did that, after talking to her about it and explaining my point of view, if she still insisted on having her "rule", then I'd simply tell her that I have no place for such nonsense and narrowmindedness in my world... have a good life....

(((((((Hugs to you and your family)))))))

Ann <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I love these self-righteous types...they slay me.

Just bide your time and wait and see how her stellar life unravels/unfolds and something unspeakable happens to her sometime in the future. Her ungenerous and heartlessness is as much a sin as your honorable and loving care of an unwanted child that isn't even yours is a noble and remarkable thing. How the hell dare she? Isn't she at all concerned with her karma? And your Mom! What's up with that? Doesn't she call the shots in her own home or does she cave to a child of her who bullies her?

If nothing else, you are learning a very valuable lesson on what NOT to be. You are looking like the class act with boundless heart and she is looking like a petty snob. They are always the type that get broguht down to their knees due to their shriveled up little pea sized hearts.

Be glad you are you and not her. Ugh.

Catnip =^^=

Hi aimee,
It's really sad when you are doing the right thing and someone who is supposed to be supportive of you slams you.

I think that your sister will come around tho. She just probably doesn't know how to handle it and doesn't know how to tactfully talk to her kid about it. (immature)

It sounds like your sister is magnifying your H's affair instead of your stepping up to the plate to rescue two innocent children from their bad mother!!! If that is not the epitome of goodness!!!? I don't know what is?

Evidently your sister HAS been discussing your situation in detail--only not with you. I think you should have a talk with your sister instead of letting all the information filter through 3rd parties. I think you should call her up.

You said nobody knows your frustrations and challenges except for your H. Perhaps if your sister knew what you are going through, she would definitely have more compassion and then you could bring up the adoption issue and reassure her that you have no intention of letting your nephew be hurt by your hurtful situation.

Your sister sounds like she has a loser mentality, but I know you love her or else her stance wouldn't be so hurtful to you. She should be made aware that she is adding to your hurt by not being more supportive, after all, you are family and that's what families are for.

You are the one living with your H, you have forgiven him. It's not her business to forgive your H and you are not asking her to. She doesn't have to live with him, but you DO need her to be a little bit more compassionate and supportive of you and to give you credit for loving your nephew and know that you wouldn't think of hurting him in any way. That is what I would tell her if she were my sister...

Maybe you could write her a letter, that way, she would have to hear you out on all the points you feel necessary to bring up????? Just a thought?

Hang in there. I know it hurts when your own family seems to step back away from you when you really need their support. I think she'll get over it. After all, the kids are in the family to stay! You are recovering from the A. This is the beginning of your new life AND the lives of the next generation of your family! Might as well get off on the right foot and let your position be known. Your sister doesn't seem to have a problem letting hers be known... I say, tell her how you FEEL but in the nicest way possible. She can't help but back down! She's so wrong...

<small>[ July 23, 2002, 03:46 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Well, Duh! It's wrong? Wow! OK, whoever didn't know that an affair was wrong (read, sin) please raise your hand? Hmmm....no hands raised. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Aimmee, I am sorry your sister is behaving this way. She has a chance to teach her son that we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. (I believe that you had and still have full Biblical permission to divorce your husband because of his affair, but since you are trying to work it out, your sister could use your situation as an explanation of how people can learn to forgive.)

I wonder if you sister is in the same place that many of us were before our spouses' affair? "If my spouse ever did that, I would kick their *** right out the door." I was certain that that is what I would do in this situation. (Sometimes I can't believe that I didn't do it.) We think (project) that it is only a weak person with no self-respect that would stay with a formerly-WS. What you don't realize, before you are in the place that we are in, is that staying is the harder choice. Repairing a marriage torn by infidelity is not for wimps.

Peace,
MJ

Wow. Leave it to BTDT and Mary Janes to give compassionate and wise advice juxtaposed to my reactionary rage and disresepctful judgments. I am sorry, aimmee. I didn't mean to be snotty about your Mom and Sister. I just get so mad at people who add more pain onto someone who has already been down for the count and wounded.

I like BTDT's idea about writing your sister a letter kindly explaining your situation and the pain you've endured. I'd like to think that receiving a letter like that would impact her in some way that would pave the way for a new closeness and understanding between the two of you. I also love the adoption scenario.

Good luck, aimmee...write that letter.

Love

Catnip =^^=

catnip, you are cracking me up!!! Now, now aimee--I never said you wouldn't still FEEL the RAGE!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Believe me, I know I would feel outraged too. And I definitely agree with catnip that your sister is being absolutely ridiculous...

OTOH, these are not bio kids and they were sort of inflicted upon you so the family is probably feeling what you felt initially, as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> (such as the kids resembling their mom, xOW, etc...) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If I remember correctly, you don't have any bio kids yet, am I right? So I'm thinking your mom probably feels so bad for you and just doesn't know how to act or react and she ended up caving in to your sister's crazy notions. But it is understandable when you look at it from their viewpoint.

This is where your communicating with them comes in. You can't isolate yourself from them because you need your family's support. They (both) need to understand that this is the most difficult decision you have had to make but you are committed to your marriage and this is IT. You have accepted it, they are struggling with it, but I'm sure when they get involved in a more supportive role, they will have a change of heart. I just feel it--because they love and want the best for YOU. Everyone knows this is not "the best" for you, but you are MAKING THE BEST of it and you deserve their support!!!

Hang in there kiddo... {{{{plenty of HUGS}}}}

<small>[ July 24, 2002, 05:34 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>