Hi guys.
I haven't been around for a long time and only ever posted just a few times, so this will probably be quite lengthy, please be patient with me.
My D-day was July 2000 and it's been a VERY long process for me. The OC has been part of my H's life now for over a year, I still HAVE NOT seen her. H insisted on contact with OC cause he's always wanted children of his own, even though when we met he accepted (supposedly) the fact that I already had a 9 year old daughter, had my tubes tied, and NO interest in anymore children. We were married in 1998 and when D-day came I was devastated as all of you were.
Life for us hasn't been easy. We've gone thru so many battles, almost destroying each other and our home. We've gotten broken chairs and punched thru walls, I had moved out, but am back now. At first H didn't want to do MC, but we did and still do once a month, and it's helped so much; especially for myself. The MC has helped my husband really deal with what he's done to US and himself, we're able to talk about things much better. I, unfortunately, hold LONG grudges and carry resentment around everyday. I've always been one to speak my mind (whether i'm wrong or right) and there are so many times that I do not want to be nice to him and i really, really hate him alot - still! But I love him more and i've seen the effort he's made to be more attentive to me. However, he still defends that OC and the situation around it. H and OW had worked together so the pain was brought to my attention everyday when I knew he was at work, thankfully, that place closed and he moved on to another job without OW being anywhere around. The OW has never allowed us to have the OC at our home. She doesn't like me (too bad) and is afraid for her child. God, please she wasn't afraid to be with H!!! We've gone to a court mediator, unfortunately at that time my H was still so snow-balled by OW and just wanted to have OC part of his life at our home, he agreed to whatever OW wanted. OW wanted to come and inspect our home to be sure it passed her "test" and that he could provide for the OC.....did she ask for my inspection upon having the affair w/H???? I put my foot down and said positively no way would OW be welcome in my home and there had to be another way. There is, to go full-fledge court and we can't afford that. Our financial situation is so pitiful, we're going to lose our home soon if someone doesn't help us and we're getting so desperate and it's causing more fights. I hate the negative thoughts and feelings I have towards him and the situation; I hate not trusting him and believing what he tells me.
To top it off, my in-laws have sided with OW and go to OW's house to visit OC (OW doesn't allow OC at their house either unless she's there), and has telephone conversations with OW - they've called me all kindsn of names because I had moved out for a while and couldn't understand how I could do that to H. DUH???!! They want to see their grandchild and I understand that and believe they should, but they're letting OW run the show, just like H has been doing since day one. I really hate it. I feel so abandoned and hurt. Why can't I ever be good enough for people??
Well, thanks for letting me vent and re-connect myself with the forum. I wish everyone lots of luck and many praers.

DDay: July 2000
OC: March 2001
Still in recovery and its so hard...........

millsy,
It does sound like your OW is calling all the shots. Sorry to hear about your finicial situation.

I really do not too much advise for you. Hopefully, someone will come along and offer you some. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Dawn
D-day March 2001
Possible OC- Oct0ber 2001
Married 7 years- have three childern together

M,

Its terrific that you have returned here, you really need alot of support to work your way through this.

I'm not a BS so my advice is really limited to the side of things that I can relate to.
I'm from the other side, FWS/OW. My initial thought in reading your post is that you are extremely angry and your H is very frustrated; that could be why OW is calling all the shots. All these other people, your H, IL's, oc, and OW whom are in the picture seem to have gone completely around you for the past year. H has contact with child. You say this is okay yet it isn't working if it is making you miserable. You are feeling left out and rightfully so. You have to work your way into this somehow. The team approach. Besides H, they all need to move over and make room but they aren't likely going to do that for a person who they see as resistant. So change that, what can you do to adjust?
Here is an idea,
You seem willing to allow child to come to you and H for visits. This is good. But she wants to inspect and you don't want here in your house? This is reasonable. How can you workaround her but seem to be cooperating?
What if you took a few videos of your home, both you and H would do the video together; would that be good enough for her? Or what if the IL's do the physical inspection, following a list that she draws up of things to check, like outlet covers, etc.? I'm just thinking of ways that you can get her to agree to the child coming and staying with H and you. This will expedite the process of you and H coming together as a team and also begin to reliquish this upper hand she seems to have. You and H have to be a team for this to work.
My guess is that no one, not even H, sees that team now.

The opposite of love is indifference. Don't let that happen to you, get in there and assume your place soon.

Hmmmm, you've just received some really good advice and all I can add is that if you can get your husband to incorporate the MB principles into your marriage and agree to a Policy of Joint Agreement and the Rules of Honesty and Protection, and find a MC who is well schooled in the MB philosphy, then perhaps things can and will change.

The changes that need to be addressed would probably be you and your husband taking a time out from the OW mandates and not see the OC for a short time. During this time, focus on strengthening your marriage and recommiting to each other. Since the child is very young, it might not be too bad to distance yourselves from him/her until you two iron out some of these IL issues, financial issues and come to an agreement of how to bond yourselves together and present a united front when dealing with OW.

Once she realizes you are in this for the long haul and you are part of the package, perhaps she will relent, especially if your husband shows respect for you, then everyone will be more respectful of you.

It wouldn't hurt for your husband to be firm and defend you to the IL's and to the OW...in fact, I would say this is crucial or you will continue to resent and hold grudges and the end result will be disasterous.

Your IL's are being grossly disloyal regardless of their desire to have contact with the OC. Bad-mouthing you to the OW and others builds even more resentment and makes you odd man out. And if your husband does not defend you and make you number one priority and show the world you are his first obligation, then there will be no healing.

With MB counseling, your husband would quickly see the way to how to build a successful marriage while incorporating the OC into both your lives. You do not need pots of money to plead your case before a judge at family court. You are your husband's wife and as his wife you have certain rights, including rights to the OC as well if the OW wants her child to be in contact with its father. You are part of the package, like it or not.

As far as OW not liking you, who cares? I bet you don't care what she thinks of you. But her not wanting you around OC because she is afraid of how you will treat the kid, well, this is something you can address yourself. You can write her a letter to reassure her that any negative feelings may have had towards her have nothing to do with the child and that you realize the child is innocent and just a child that requires love and care and that you would never hurt the child and promise to treat the child as your own to the best of your ability. If you think you can. You can tell her your only concern at this point is that the three of you do what is best for the OC and you want life to be happy and stress free for everyone in this difficult situation, and you are willing to do your part.

You could also begin to do little things for the child, if you are so inclined, like dropping off a small stuffed toy and say, "I saw this the other day and though Suzy or Johnny would like this."

It wouldn't hurt to write IL's as well and just tell them that this situation has put an enormous amount of stress on you and what has happened has broken your heart and you and your hsuband are trying to put the pieces back together and you would appreciate their respect and understanding. Better yet, your husband should write the letter. If they think you are important to him and are afraid of hurting him, perhaps they will make more of an effort to consider where you are with all this and have some compassion for what you are going through.

I just can't get over people sometimes...outsiders who make situations more unbearable with their piercing remarks and lack of kindness towards those in pain. I am so sorry you are going through this. You need to be around supportive and loving people right now, so my suggestion is to stay away from the meanies and the weinies and spend more time with those who have your best interests at heart... otherwise that chip on your shoulder will will cause you to walk like Quasimoto.

I certainly do not blame you for how you feel but now is the time to take matters into your own hands and do what YOU can to heal.

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ July 26, 2002, 01:43 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Wow!
Thanks for the replies and all the wonderful advice! I positively DESPISE OW but would never do anything to that child. I'm a mother myself and children are so defenseless. None of this was OC's fault, in fact I've even stated to my H and IL's that the victims in this are the OC and myself and it's a shame they (H, OW, ILs) have to such idiots.
I hate to admit but I've been feeling a little better (even though I have to accept OC if i want to continue my marriage) because my H has not be able to stay with the visits that were set up due to his new job and the work schedule. It was originally set up that he'd visit 3 times a week/2 hours each time, however his new job schedule/hours doesn't allow that much time anymore and down deep I've felt much better about him not visiting. He has to visit at the OW's parents house (which was set up at the court mediator's office), since OC isn't allowed in our home, yet. I hate him visiting up there, cause i have no idea what goes on. Supposedly, from what he has told me OW has NOT been around any of visits for a long, long time. but most of the time i DO NOT believe him, I don't think he'd tell me the truth 'cause i'd get mad and upset....but who knows.
As for the ILs, I've written them out of my life. We've tried to speak to them, H has tried to reason with them, they're unrealistic and think that it's my fault that OC can't be in H's home and that I am being the ridiculous one....until they're willing to change their "attitudes" I can't change THEM. H hasn't spoken to them either cause he was furious with them for "taking sides as you say" and said that he didn't want any part of it, it's wrong and it only makes things harder for him & I, but they didn't care, they told him that if I could change my mind and not be so *****Y about it, things wouldn't be this bad!! HELLLOOO.........
Apparently, my H knew the entire time OW was pregnant that she had no intentions of OC ever being able to be around me or in our home, he just refused to accept the fact, he told me that he'd hoped she'd change her mind.....I knew she wouldn't!! He was so naive to her and her schemes yet for the longest time he blamed me for things, now he sees different - thank God!
I say I want him to be part of the child's life cause I know that's what he really wants, however sometimes I wish that he'd change his mind and we could just forget all about it and move on. But then the mother in me thinks, how unfair that would be to that little girl, she, like me, didn't ask for any of this.
Sometimes I just feel so embarrassed and when I told him that at one of our MC sessions he got angry with me, and asked why I should feel embarrassed, he's the one that did the wrong. I told him that it's an embarrassement that all his co-workers knew about the affair and the OC and that there is this OC-belonging to him out there with OW and it's embarrassing for me. I have no pride, no self-respect and definitely "real happiness" anymore. We just celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary and he was trying to make a big deal out of it, but I told him it just felt like another day to me and that we could just relax for the day. I don't think of my anniversary in the same light anymore and he can't understand why. Plus my birthday was just a couple days later and it brings bad memories for me (he confessed to his affair the DAY AFTER my bday), so I've had a hard time for about a week.
When will the pain ever go away??
Thanks for letting me "AIR OUT". I really appreciate all of you and many blessings and prayers to each of you. Take care!

millsc

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I was wondering, having the child in your home now after all this time doesnt seem such an unreasonable request, is it possible to go to court with out an attorney and just explain the facts and how much you would like the child to be in your home.. I mean by now the child must think it odd, she never goes to dads house... I would imagine the courts would agree with you..

You know when this first started for me, D was 15 months or so when OM started seeing d in the open and with his wife... at first she would rather die than have me come to her house.. and thats ok I didnt blame, her, truth be told I didnt want to be in her house.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I just continued being nice to her and inviting her in my home when she came with husband to pick up my D. In time she decided she was being unreasonable and wrote me and told me I was welcome to come any time they had D to check on her... I have not gone there to this day, I dont really have a reason to, I know my d is safe and I had worries at first, but his wife worked pretty hard on showing me a different side to her, that I didnt think possible. I knew OM wouldnt not let a thing happen to her. But I am sure the W did not get to that point with out some effort from all of us.

Maybe your husband needs to sit down and talk with this woman and try and reason with her. One would hope she would see her daughters best intrest at heart and do what is right. I would think if my husband didnt back me up, I would have great pain from that and I am sure that does not help in healing your marriage.

Your in laws are being very unreasonable and i am sorry for that But you cant change people only your self.. there are always going to be people who are selfish and who do not try to get along.. You have to ignore it and move on, it is their loss..

I think you need to sit down and work out another arrangement with your husband concerning the child, This isnt healthy for the child either.

Uh, one more VERY important thing....your husband should NEVER visit or be with OC without you if the visits cannot be in your home...

As you said, you have no idea what goes on there.

Even if you go along with him and sit outside in the car reading a book will send a clear message that you are the other half of him; that you as a married couple are one.

Catnip =^^=

ok this may shock every one, but as a wife, I would be damned before I would sit in the car while my husband did anything... You really have to get your husband on the same page with you, no wonder you resent him.. He is not looking at your feelings in this..

While I think him wanting to be with his daughter is a good thing. If he is to remain married he can not exclude you in this way because this isnt what is best for his daughter... doesnt matter if this woman likes you or not.. If you are not a threat to that little girl your husband should encourage you to be a part of this... I am shocked a system would allow that to happen..

I think you need to sit with husband with out LBing and find a solution that would work for all or better yet meet with the three of you and work out a solution.... My x and I get along fine, his wife and I do not like each other one bit, but you would never know it to see us together, we are always on the best of behavior when around each other.. Have to, my daughter deserves to have people who love her and she has the right to not feel bad or hurt because of people acting disrespectful to one another... I think it takes some sucking up on both our parts.
I have learned an all new meaning to the word compromise.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ July 26, 2002, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Wow--Seems like our situations are nearly identical--eerie.

My OW decided that I was a "threat" to the baby and that I had threatened to kill the baby. Give me a break. So, as of yet she will not allow the OC in my home, and my H is forced to visit with him at my IL's.

Also simmilar? My IL's have decided that I'm a
B$%^& and it is all my fault the OW is so sad and they have basically adopted her as the D-I-L they never had. They babysit, they let her stay over at their house, they help her and give her money. They haven't called or spoken to me since I kicked my H out a year ago after I finally had enough. They are currently encouraging him to divorce me.

SO, it drives me batty that the OW controls all visitation, and I have not even met this baby. My H's co-workers have met him.

And, while I know logically not rocking the boat and acting cool until we go to mediation is the best thing, I want like crazy for him to just bring the baby home instead of complying with all of this manipulative nonsense.

Last night the OW's mom showed up at the visit because "she hadn't met my H". No warning, no making sure it was ok, just more sabatoge.

These people are all insane, and I am really at the end of my rope with patience and understanding. I am close to calling it all off because I can't stand the pain and resentment much longer. I love my H, but I really feel like I can't be with him if this B(*&S@$% continues.

So, long story short--I hear you, girl!!! Sorry I can't offer advice, but I can offer understanding!
EJ

EJMom2B:
Thanks for the response from all of the posts, but especially you. I was starting to believe that I was the only person having trouble with visitation issues from OW and my husband being so naive to her wiles and what's going on. His only defense over & over...."i just want to see my kid, if we don't agree to these terms, OW won't let me see my kid". I've screamed at him to be realistic and realize that she CAN'T do that, he has as much rights to that child as he does. But he refuses to rock the boat and then wonders why I still hold so much resentment and why I just can't get on with things. He's here with me and wants our marriage to work and to keep our family together (i have a 15 yr old daughter to a previous relationship). So he just lets things go on and doesn't give one ounce of care towards my feelings.
IL's are another story........I've completely written them off, but I know he misses visiting them. The holidays will be here in a few months and I'm sure we'll argue about what to do for them. We've always switched between the 2 with both sets of parents, but I guarantee I won't be going to IL's this year. Maybe they'll invite OW & OC since we won't be there!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I mentioned to him before about standing up for me, he has to a point, but not enough in my eyes, and let OW know that I would never do any harm to that child, also before things got really bad, for the IL's to inform OW that I would NEVER do any harm. I love children, even though she isn't mine, she's part of my husband and I do love him with all my heart. But nothing's been done. LIke I said in a previous post, he knew this was going to happen while she was pregnant and he refused to put a stop to it then.........and he wonders why?????????
It just hurts so much still, and i'm so angry anymore.