I have found my husband looking at pictures of naked women on the internet several times in the past and now just the other day. He has even burned them on to a cd. He doesn't do it all the time, but when I have found out what he has done I let him know that it bothers me. He says that he doesn't understand why I feel that way; he loves me and desires me, he just likes to look at the pictures, but he can understand how I feel. And then a few months later he'll do it again. Actually, when it happened the other day he says he had just clicked on the website, had second thoughts and was about to close the site when I walked in. He didn't have time to close it, so he was busted.

I have gained weight in the last few years and feel very self-conscious about it, and to have him looking at these pictures makes me feel even more self-conscious.

I guess this goes back to before we were married. I suspected he was cheating on me and he always said no. After we were married he finally admitted that he had "fooled around" with a women, but they never had sex. He knows that if he had told me about this I would not have married him. I was very hurt and angry with him for lying to me for so long. That is when the distrust started. I still wonder if the infidelity didn't continue after we were married, but of course he says no.

After finding out about what he had done is when my insecurity and distrust began. After several months I started feeling more secure, then I would discover that he had been looking at pictures on the net, and I would be down again.

I'm tired of it. Is this a sign that my husband will more than likely be unfaithful to me or is he just "being a guy"? Or am I just being too possessive and insecure?

I'm to the point where I don't want him to touch me anymore. At times I wish he would just go away. But then I think of all the many positive things about our marriage.

What should I do? Besides marriage counseling, of course.

I would appreciate some advice.

JLO,

I'm sorry that you are in this position. I know that you must feel very unsettled.

How long have you been married? Have you and H done the emotional needs questionnaire that is availabe on this site? It could be that looking at these pictures fills a need for him - maybe one that he isn't even aware of - and that if the two of you understood those needs better, YOU could fill them.

You may want to try talking to your H more about this. Don't accuse or judge him, but tell him exactly how you feel. "When you look at those pictures, I feel [blank.]" Also, let him know clearly that when he does things like this, it diminishes the trust that you have in him.

Let him know that you love him and that you desire him. But..also let him know that you expect him to respect your boundaries.

Thank you so much for the reply. I will try the questionaire. We have talked about it many times but it continues to happen. I really want this to work out because I really love him.

Thanks again!

JLO,

One more thing...the fact that he likes to look at naked women doesn't necessarily mean he wants to - or will - have an affair. (I'd be concerned about the "fooling around" he did, however.)

But...what IS concerning here is the secrecy. That, along with emotional distance, is a recipe for disaster in a marriage. That's something worht thinking very carefully about.

Also, one of the tenets of Marriage Builders is what is known as the Policy of Joint Agreement. Basiclally, that means that neither person does anything unless BOTH people enthusiastically agree to it.

In this case, if the POJA were in effect, your H wouldn't be able to justify looking at these pictures, because it's clear that you wouldn't "enthusiastically" agree to it.

as far as him looking at naked pics i think its just a guy thing. in the past my H and i would actually look at pics together and he knows i dont mind if he looks without me. since we married i have also put on weight and am self concious. my situation is a bit different. i have caught him looking at old pics of ME (before kids when i had a great bod) and it saddens me now that our marriage is kind of a mess.