Tonight H came home with his three page letter that he worked on today trying to express his ideas.
He has decided to end the marriage. Thank you all for your support over the year.

Tina

<small>[ August 03, 2002, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

Oh Tina,
I'm so sorry for your loss of your marriage. The only good thing I can think is now you can heal and move on...

Hugs for {{{{{{{{{{{{tina}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Prayers,
J

Tina,

I am at a loss for words! The most I can offer is to pray for you!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tina}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Love,

Tigger

Tina71,
While this news hurts my heart, I feel you are surrounded by the comforts of your children and God.
Tina you struggled so long and faced what you did with the courage of a lion.

I pray for you always, Tina.

May the grace of God embrace you tonight and comfort you.

I am so sorry Tina, that you had to go through such a horrible ordeal with your H.

Bless you. I'm dumbfounded at what else to say.
love
Debi

Dearest Tina

I am so very sorry. What a horrible struggle this has been for you. But now, it is YOUR time. Time to think about and focus on you and what you want and how you feel and what you think. I know the next few weeks and months are going to be extremely difficult before that rush of relief comes, but it will come. There will be a time in the near future where you will start to feel better than you have in years and feel whole again.

Allow yourself a short time to grieve and then activate the circle of friends and family you probably have neglected over the past couple years because of this drama you've been living. You need support and to be around people who care about you. Stick close to family.

Meanwhile, your husband will be facing many rude awakenings.

Stay strong and close to God and keep praying. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers that the next few months are more blessing than devastation. After all, haven't you already lived the worst of it? This could be God's mercy taking away from you something that is toxic and not good for you. Sometimes I wonder if God allows things to get so bad to force us to make changes and when we don't seize the opportunity, he allows someone else to make the decision for us. I wonder this for myself too.

Go wherever you find strength.

Love

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ July 29, 2002, 09:40 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Thank you all for your prayers. Tina

<small>[ August 03, 2002, 07:53 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

Tina,

After reading your post I had to come out of lurking mode. I'm up tired and exhausted but can't sleep. I'm sorry to hear that you and your H are divorcing. You have been a very strong woman and I admire you in a lot of ways. You have endured a lot and put yourself on the back burner. You tried for your marriage sake to incorporate the two OC's. And now your H decided to be a weak person and end your marriage. It's his mistake and his fault that you guys are in this situation.

I agree with the rest this is time to put you first! This is time to find Tina. I know you have to grieve but PLEASE take these next few weeks months and be selfish put yourself first. Go pamper yourself tomorrow if possible with a massage etc.... YOU deserve it. No matter what happens even if H ends up with OW you are a special person who deserves the best. Your H can no longer provide you with the best.

To avoid your panic attacks PRAY hard and ask for strength! You can do it you are not alone you are just no longer with your husband. I'm sure you have family and friends that will stick by you. Let the crap hit the fan for your H. Let him see how things are now that everyone will know the truth. Good luck and keep posting we are there for you! You and your children are in my thoughts and prayers!

Unsure

Fear not. God is only a prayer away. He will help you. He will be with you. He will uphold you with the right hand of his righteousness. Continue to be the strong woman that you already are. Be strong in Him.

<small>[ August 03, 2002, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

Try not to worry. You are going to be just fine. And so are your kids. Suze Orman gives good financial advice.

http://www.oprah.com/living/lifemake/experts/suze/omag/living_suze_o_control.jhtml

http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/tows_2002/tows_past_20020621.jhtml

Regardless of any "mistakes" that you have made involving your personal finances, I believe God knew this day would come in your life and He has made a way for you to get through this.

I still think you should tell your family. Knowing you have suffered in silence for all this time will probably hurt them more because they couldn't do anything to comfort you.

Gosh, if any of my kids were going through this kind of trauma I'M SURE I could put my pain aside for a few moments to make myself available to them in any way humanly possible!!!!!! They wouldn't be doing me any favors by not telling me. Are you absolutely sure you can't talk to your mom?

Tina

I suffered with debilitating panic attacks from 1983 until 1991. For eight years I felt like I was either dying or having a heart attack or going crazy. I was calling the paramedics at least once a month thinking I was stroking out. I remember one day when a team of medics came rushing into my house when I heard one of the women say, "Oh, it's her...the woman who has panic attacks all the time." One day I was just driving down the street when one hit out of nowhere. It felt like the trees on either side of the boulevard were suffocating me. I saw a cop coming toward me from the other direction and started flashing my lights and honking. I pulled the cop over (hahaha) and we got out of our cars and I just had this huge meltdown in the middle of the street. He escorted me to the hospital where the doctors condescended to me, telling me it was all in my head and prescribed Xanax.

I became addicted to Xanax and had to withdraw (cold turkey!) over the course of a summer.

I understand panic attacks extremely well as I suffered from them for eight years. It got to the point when I could only grocery shop in the middle of the night to avoid the crowds of people. I had to go to stores that had wider aisles because I felt like the cans would come down onto me. I avoided the freeway and to this day, I know ever little habit-trail hamster route throughout the city. I needed to always be near a hospital. I learned deep breathing exercising and when I couldn't stand feeling like this for one more moment I studied this malady in an effort to find the demon and exorcize it from my life forever.

What I discovered about panic attacks is that the root is from feeling as if you have no control. The lack of control in your life takes on an ugly life of its own. When one takes charge of their life and starts calling the shots, the panic attacks start to subside. Panic attacks stem from unrealistic fears and a lot of "what if's".

I worried about everything constantly. Even though my life is more unmanagable than ever before and am fertile ground for panic attacks, I am more in control of my life than ever before. I don't know where this new found strength is coming from but I am grateful for the awareness and strength.

Tina, for the past dozen years, your life must have been difficult to have spawned panic attacks and perhaps you didn't even conscieously realize it. Maybe it was underlying stuff with your husband...like, you knew something was wrong, but couldn't face it so your mind started playing tricks on you conjuring up fake fears to mask the real ones. Somewhere deep inside you knew things just weren't right. Maybe you weren't getting all you needed for yourself and the well just went dry because no one replenished your well. Too much giving and too much worrying about everyone else takes the focus off of you, shortchanging you. You may have been doing this without realizing it on purpose to avoid looking at the things that were going wrong with the marriage. Who knows?

Stop worrying about your adult children...ADULT is the key word here. You can't shield them from the disgusting things your husband has done and is doing. Let them find out on their own. They will survive this, Tina. It is tragic their skies will darken for a time but your life is imploding and YOU are the ONLY one that matters right now. YOU are the MOST important person in this drama.

It is NOT your responsiblity how they view him or if they respect or love him. This is HIS consequence and good, bad or indifferent, you had no responsibility in any of this. STOP worrying about every one else, except for your Mom. You don't need to give her details, just skim over it, enough to inform her and if you need to have a meltdown, have it with friends or strong family members.

If your husband has not been meeting any of your needs for years or doing other things that have caused your foundation to crumble, panic attacks are a way to alert yourself and others around you that something is wrong, even if you can't put your finger on it. Mine came from knowing there was something wrong with Bipolar but without a diagnosis, his past recklessness was just scary.

There may even be some kind of web site like this for people who experience panic attacks. Ladies, start your search engines!

Once you take control of your life and speak up and mouth off to your husband and everyone else, you will start to get better and start to ehal. What on this earth have you left to loose? There is a lot of freedom in not giving a [censored] and the sooner you adopt this attitude the chains that keep you prisoner with fall away from you...I promise!

Love

Catnip =^^=

PS Breathe deep...very deep breaths and join a yoga class...and go. I am dead serious.

<small>[ July 30, 2002, 07:39 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Oh, Tina, I am sorry and, as usual, don't know what to say when confronted with such a loss.

I hope that you feel you can hold your head up. You did all you could to save this marriage and you have a right to be proud.

You have gotten great advice. Practice what we have preached. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I especially like Catnip's idea about the yoga. I really like the Eastern mindfullness techniques and think that they can add a lot to our Western achievement-oriented society. Take time each day just to be human and be yourself.

MJ

<small>[ August 03, 2002, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

Tina, I'm not good at advice either but I just wanted to say my heart aches for you right now. I understand about you not wanting to tell your family. My D day was a year ago ...(wow, I missed the anniversary) and I haven't told my mother because she is dealing with set of worries and I don't want to add mine to hers).

I think seeing a counselor is the best thing for you right now and I'm glad to hear you have an appointment.

I have no words of advice but I do have a ((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))for you and I will keep you in my prayers.

Take care,
Why

Tina,

my heart aches for you. I understand how you feel in some respects at being a stay-at-home mom and now possibly having to deal with a future all to yourself...

I was abandoned with two babies by my bi-polar ex-hubby...I was homeless. I had no job skills and was hearing impaired. I knew I wasn't going to make a decent wage to take care of my babies....to make a long story short...there is a displaced homemakers program run in most states...there they give you resources and can help you go to school and move on with your life.

In TX and LA it's called JTPA...Job Training and Partnership Act....

First and foremost, I urge you to heal....give yourself time and decide what you want to do...then I would get alimony for sure!!!!

Whatever you decide, I know you will make it...I found out when I was abandoned and terrified, that I made it and good does come out of the bad.

If I ended up again alone with four kids to take care of now....I know I could do it...

One step at a time....one breath at a time....

You are stronger than you think you are...

It's like a card one of my caseworkers sent me many moons ago...with a teabag in it....

"You are like a teabag....you don't know how strong you are under you are steeped in hot water..."

We are here for you...I pray for you and know that you will emerge from this, stronger, wiser and more confident....

Just promise me you won't do what my mother did and play that 70's disco song over and over and over on the stereo......
"I will survive........."

Yeah....you will survive....and you will prevail......

I've grown fond of you and your kind and caring heart and how much you have endured...now go do something for yourself....I echo the other's sentiments here on the board....

Hugs and prayers,
Twiisty

Tina,
I am sorry this has taken this turn.. I know how you must be grieving, losing your spouse in this way is devistating, but you know, even though he chose this way.. he will have to deal with it.. and he is about to face life with out his life long partner, he has been with you many years and you are his family he will not know how to react to not having that family.. Now the key thing for you to do is not fall for any thing, if he is lonely tell him he made his choice, and if he shows up for sex, tell him no.. It happens allt he time, ment think they can have it all and they know when you love them as much as you do.. you will put up with any thing.

Time for you to look after you and I dont see any reason to involve your mother if you feel it will not be good for her health, let her leave this world not worrying over you.. others may differ, but I understand your need to protect her.

Your children needed to be told, your husband will have to deal with them as well.. He chose his life, Now he has to own up to it.
and suffer the consequences.

You dont know what the future may bring, but untill you do, please take care of your self, and come cry and vent when ever you need to.

Your husband doesnt know for sure what he is doing, He has made two lives and doesnt know how to get out from under and wantsa both lives.. He will have major withdrawls from you and your life.

saying a prayer for you.
Be strong. and dont hold it all in.