Well, I thought that I had prepared myself for the inevitable. I thought I would be able to handle knowing that my H has twins in the world that are not mine. H came home last Tuesday in a very wierd mood. When I asked him what was wrong, he tried to tell me that he was just tired. I knew better, so I asked again. He told me that he overheard at work that OW had the twins, 2 girls. He held me and reassured me that he still agreed to NC and that he loved me and didn't regret his decision in the least. He also said that they were born exactly 9 months from the day they returned from the deployment, so they might be her H. I tried to feel better about it, but I just couldn't. I still don't. OW is still with her H as far as we know, and last we heard she planned on putting his name on the birth certificate. I don't know whether to risk getting a DNA test or just let it go. My husband seems to want to just let it go. It would be great if they weren't his, but if they are, there is no telling what OW might do. Plus, my H was advised by a lawyer that in this state, as long as OW and her H are still married, legally the babies are his whether they are biologically or not. Basically, unless her H chose to allow a DNA test, we have no rights. I should be happy that my H is happy to be with me. He says he is happier with me now than he has ever been, and he takes the time to show it. Instead, all I feel is fear and guilt. I am so afraid that I am just waiting for a bomb to drop, either my H deciding that he needs to see the twins or OW deciding that she wants him to see the twins. I also feel so much guilt. OW is nuts and her H was abusive to her when he learned of the affair. Have I condemned 2 precious innocent babies to a life of misery? I need help from someone who has been where I am. I need peace.

My husband had a child with a one night stand. My husband never wanted contact with the child. She was not married. And the lawyer is exactly right unless their father, who is her husband regardless of biology at this point, allows DNA testing there is nothing that can be done. I have learned that I can only worry about what is in my power. Right now this is not in your power. If he wants to be a father to them let him...antagonizing him with DNA testing may be worse on the children because legally he is their father. My husband now has contact with his daughter that he had with the OW at my urging. The OW was after him constantly to see her but he had developed such a hatred for the OW he couldnt see past it. I urged him to put the child first. But if it were in the child's best interst to let her go I would say stay out and do not interject your pride into the situation. Also I do not condone violence but I can understand that infidelity is one of the most devesating betrayals anyone could suffer. Because he had a violent outburst at this terrible news doesnt mean he cannot move on and show these children love. You never know he may shower them with love to spite your husband...the whole point is you dont know and you dont have the power to affect these children. Let it go and take it one day at a time. Hopefully knowing kindred spirits walk with you will help ease your burden.

breanna
You have not condemmned two little children to anything.. My husband was an avid drinker and had been violent on several occasions.
But Now he is a changed person.. I still cant get him to help in the house but He is the most awesome daddy to this little girl and has become a better father to all of them.
He does more with my daughter than he did with the others when they were this age, he truly loves her.
They may not want you involved and may be trying to heal their marriage as you are and maybe just maybe these children are her husbands.
I think you should be glad and know that you had no control over any of these things and dont blame your self.

<small>[ July 31, 2002, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Brenna,
Well, if OW husband signed the BC then I think there is nothing you can do. Unless, you ask OW do have a paterinty test done.

You can easily find out in about a month because birth certificates are public record and you can look it up. However, here it is not public record if the there is no father's name listed.

I know it is hard to let it go. People told me that and I was trying but now I found out that there is Child support case opened against my H. So, now I am just waiting to get the papers in the mail.

Dawn

Well, Breanna, since you had no choice in what occurred, YOU did not condemn anyone to anything. Speaking as the OW, when I chose to have my son, I did it with full knowledge that I own my decisions and anything that happens as a result of said decisions. In other words, I have no one else to blame and no one else should feel guilty. Don&#8217;t do this to yourself. Unfortunately, you have little power over what occurs in OW&#8217;s home and marriage. If H has chosen NC, then don&#8217;t dwell on what was or what might happen. Dwell on what is. Focus on you and H. The &#8220;what ifs&#8221; will only serve to tie you up in knots&#8230;and for what? I won't tell you to just "let it go" because I know how hard that is. What you can do is occupy your mind with other, more fruitful things, until these fears and misplaced guilt are minimized to nothing of importance.

Best wishes.

Thank you all so much for your help. My H has a friend who overheard a converstion in which the OW's H was saying that there is a very good chance that the twins are his. My husband was very relieved to know that OW's H will be taking care of the twins. Neither of us wanted to see them left without a father whether they are my H's or not. We just knew that it wouldn't be the best thing for our family for my H to be a father to them. Things are still going well with us. We are hoping to take a trip to Florida this weekend. That is something we used to do rather frequently before the A. I am a little worried about it though b/c I know that my H took OW there while we were separated. One of my friends doesn't understand how I can go when I know he took her there, but my response is that I love going there. I don't want to let the A ruin any more than it already has, so I will do my best to just concentrate on us and how much fun we have. Wish me luck!

I've heard it said that you should cover up your triggers with good experiences. I always take a deep breath as we go somewhere that I know (or even suspect) that my husband went with ow. I used to say NO that SHE had been there, etc. Now I am trying to go and have a good time in those places and cover up those bad triggers with a conquering "Ha...". I am staking my victory flag right on top of their wayward slope! I am the wife. I will not hide from certain spots so that they can call it theirs. No, I will reclaim every spot in this world for my marriage. You are doing the same thing with this Florida trip. You go girl!

Ain't that the truth?

I can't drive by a Qwik Mart without getting hot flashes any more (OW works at one).

I guess I'm lucky that my H was no more romantic with her than he was with me, so I have no bad triggers at romantic locales (never thought I'd feel lucky about the lack of romance lol).

I agree with all above--those kids are not your fault. I went through the whole guilt thing and worrying about what kind of life the OC will have with the crazy B#^@! OW as his mom.

Have fun in FL--create new memories to help erase the triggers. Maybe go to new restaurants or create a new routine that signifies your new marriage.

Enjoy and relax--save the drama for the OC's mama lol.
EJ

You all have a wonderful way of putting things into the right perspective. I just wanted to thank you all again. I can't tell you how much you have helped me. I read your posts and find hope. You have truly blessed my life and if this A brought me something great, it is the privilege of getting to know you.