Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 597
A
ayslyne Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 597
My husband had a child with a one night stand...at the time he wanted to reconcile. I thought at the time he was burned so bad by his behavior it would never happen again. I was wrong he had at least two more affairs that I know of...no more children thankfully. Each time I stayed. Now ten years later I question myself. Part of me wonders how I survived. Now he has changed and is devoted to family and marriage but I am a broken woman. I would appreciate any feedback. Thank you.

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 18
W
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 18
Dear Ayslyne,

I am so saddened to read your message. My husband just finished (hopefully) an affair in January and we've moved to a new location. Luckily there was no pregnancy involved. I imagine that would be way worse. You have survived for so long. You say he is committed to marriage and family. That is wonderful but my heart goes out to you as I wonder if true and complete forgiveness is ever really possible. We can only try but I know that the hurt from the deceit will always linger. May God bless you and help you.

Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 104
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 104
I think I know how you feel. It has been only two years for me since D-day, there was only one affair, a one night stand also, which may have resulted in a child (may never know for sure - long story). H is a changed man - totally devoted, hardly does anything without us(me and our daughters), but I feel like I am as you said, broken. I fear that I will always wonder if I should have left. Well, when I look at my happy, secure little girls and I guess I know I did the right thing. Plus, I am totally in love with my H and could never be with anyone else. I guess I have to accept that part of me will always be damaged, scarred perhaps - maybe the the scar will slowly fade.

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 785
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 785
Asylyne,

I wanted to take a second to welcome you. I hadn't ever seen a post from you until today.

Your posts on the other threads were insightful and well thought out. Your support will be valued here.

I can totally relate to you. My H had a one month quick sexual affair early in our marriage. We both swept it under the rug and never addressed our marital issues.

Years later he had another PA that lasted a month before she got pregnant. They slept together off and on during the pregnancy and about 6 months after the baby came. D-day was only after she sent me an email that he intercepted.

Three months into our recovery he had an emotional affair with our B-friend who was acting as a mediator/couselor for us. They ended up "falling in love" as they called it!

Funny after two physical affairs I wasn't prepared to leave him, but an emotional one, I was ready to jump ship!

Long story short, my H woke up from his fog and realized that he had some work to do on repairing this marriage too and dove head first into recovery!

I'm proud to say almost two years later ... we are enjoying a marriage that is 10 times better than it was on our wedding day.

(did I mention 1.5 years after d-day we had a negative DNA test!)

But I wanted to tell you that I too have looked over in the night and wondered if I did the right thing by staying. But I close my eyes and remember the smiles on my kids faces earlier that evening when we were giving them a bath together, or having tickle time on our bed, or eating dinner as a family at the dining room table and I KNOW I did the right thing.

My heart still aches from time to time at what happened in our past. I suppose the scars will always be there. But I also know that without the affairs we would have ended up divorced. I like to attribute it to God's wake up call for both of us. He had to do something to get our attention and the OW/OC (got my attention) and emotional affair (got his attention).

It's much more theraputic to rub the salve of a good relationship on the scars of the bad incidents.

A few rough years are a small price to pay for a lifetime of happiness with the man you love.

Would love too hear more about your recovery.
Z.

Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 472
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 472
Marriage is like life, there are good days and bad days. HOpefully, the good out weigh the bad. I believe in marriage, when I said my vows it was for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. I look at the affair as time of sickness, but that is what it is isn't it? It is an indicator of a sick relationship? You have to nurse it back to health, and in the process create a healthy relationship. Why stay in an unhealthy relationship? So what kind of relationship do you have now?
It's funny you address that. I asked my H if over our 28 years together, he had ever looked back and wished he had not married me, since he is the one who has had needs he felt were not met over the years. His response was the only regret he had was his stupidity 10 years ago when he got involved with another woman, 15 years his junior. This relationship almost cost him our marriage and relationships with our children. The price he paid for that affair was his own self-respect, knowing when his children learn of his affair they will see him as an imperfect person, when he wants them to see him as a wonderful, loving family man.
I guess what I want to say, is no person is perfect, we all make mistakes. What we learn from our mistakes and what we do to make life better is what we should be concerned with. If you you have a better marriage and are committed to each other, if you have learned from past mistakes, then go on with the choice you made.
Remember, (assuming you are Christian, if not forgive the religious aside), Jesus said let the person who is without sin cast the first stone at Mary Magdelene the whore. No one is perfect, what we do with our imperfections is the important thing. She went on and led a moral life after her encounter with Jesus. Hopefully, since his encounter with his OW, your husband has led a moral life with you and will continue to do so.
One can always look back at what was and wonder what if, but you have to deal with what is. Look at your marriage now and decide what you have.
Personally, I believe we have a stronger relationship that was forged through fire, hellfire, because the time it took to get through learning of his affair, dealing with that and then learning of his OC and dealing with that, were truly time of hell for us. I rode that rollercoaster to highs and lows that I never want to see again.
If you have made it this far you are going to make it. Just do not become complacent, Good marriages are created, they do not just happen. You must always be vigilant to maintain your marriage, if you neglect it bad things happen. If it was a garden that your life depended upon, would you allow weeds to violate it? That is what your marriage is.

Enough said, I hope I helped a little, I certainly said a lot.
I am Texasgirl

Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,369
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,369
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ayslyne:
[QB]I thought at the time he was burned so bad by his behavior it would never happen again. I was wrong

Now he has changed and is devoted to family and marriage but I am a broken woman. QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear ayslyne:

You have received some excellent responses, I especially like Texasgirl's take on the "big picture".

When you said that you thought that your husband was burned so bad that he would never do this agian really struck a nerve with me because I have always thought of this situation kind of like "aversion therapy". At least this is what my hsuband calls it. He doesn't seem the slightest bit interested in anyone else or seem to have any longings to go outside our marriage. But, seeing that you were thinking along those lines as well gives me reason for pause.

I am so sorry he did this to you again. It must be such a blow.

As for feeling as though you have become a broken woman, I know how you feel because I felt like that for a long time. But, like Texasgirl said, her vows were for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and the affairs were symptomatic of "sickness" in the marriage, his.

It is hard to get past the pain and past the feelings of wodnering if you've wasted your time with someone who has hurt you so badly, but all we can do is look to this moment forward and assess the possibilities and the situation as it is today. Where are you today in your recovery?

I know you are struggling right now and I just wanted you to know I understand and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Catnip =^^=

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 597
A
ayslyne Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 597
Thank you all for your insight, concern, and advice. Honestly, I dont know where I am in recovery. It has been 5 years since the last affair. He is a changed man. Overall, I am devoted to marriage...but now there is a part of me that aches so much so that I find it difficult to get through the day. I dont want to throw away our marriage but I waiver between feelings of love for him and feelings of dread and hopelessness...of inevitible failure. All I know is I am working on it everyday...as I always have. Thank you. ayslyne@yahoo.com


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (Blackhawk), 22 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,807
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5