I don't know how to start this one, I have tried for 2 nights to post. I am so ashamed at what happened with us this weekend, and I am sure that I have done more harm to our recovery than ever...
I share this today b/c you all are here, and can understand the feelings leading up to this, but I do not have to look any of you in the face and see the reactions...
It all started Fri at MC and I swore that I was not going to bring up the whole "baby obssession" I have within me. I began by answering her questions as to what I felt has been changing for us, and I feel that alot has. But I blew it to bits. After I told him and the MC how I realized all he was doing, I also said that I was feeling as if my life is being put on hold. She asked how and I said that with our needing to move (since he is always traveling)and the market being as slow as it is, I feel that it is going to take forever. And I want to move as soon as possible b/c I am lonely, the kids miss their Dad, and I am tired of having only 2 days with him to try to have family time, social time, working on the house time, and healing the marriage time. After that I had said that I also felt that if he was waiting to move to have a baby, or for whatever reason to wait to have one, I feel that is is unfair that he says, "I want things better, but even if they get better I can't guarantee we will have another." At the end of therapy I just lost it, sobbing and saying that I am so tired of stuffing all these feelings inside. I promised that I would not bring it up as much and I had only talked about it once in about a month,and it just hit a head.
Anyway, the drive home was silent. When he asked me what I was thinking I told him that "I feel that I had just ruined any hope of ever having another. And it was caused by me which makes it hurt even more." He answered "You don't know that." The rest of the night we had people around and then I went shopping for school clothes for the kids and fell asleep from exhaustion.
On Sat. we talked and it got reallly honest and heated. He explained his points of view and I mine. It is all so much to get into in a post but I will try. He is unsure of having another for many reasons. It will take away from what we can offer our other children and make family outings harder.It will increase my stress, create more work for me, and he feels since I am having a hard time getting organized now...basically I feel he doesn't think that I can handle it. He also feels that ALTHOUGH I have made some positive changes in our recovery and am showing that I am working toward forgiveness, our relationship is not that much better than 2 years ago.(???) He has also informed me that if we were to do it it would need "to be quickly, b/c he doesn't want to be 40 and have an infant. He says I am being selfish and only thinking of myself. That there are no sacrafices I will need to make if we do have a baby whereas everyone else in my family will.
I feel this insatiable need for another child. I know it will be more work for me and I do KNOW that I can handle it. I know that I can procrastinate...(I used to be much more organized)and if I didn't have this issue on my mind nearly every day, I would probably be more motivated to do what I have been putting off(filing old bills, sorting out clothes,cleaning out the attic, and all the small projects that I have bought thre things for and never complete.) I do not look at this as a cure all but I do know that it is on my mind 24/7. The wonder that if it will never happen regardless of how we are in our marriage is non-stop. But I do know that it has always been a dream for me to have a large family, and we could do it. He feels like a sperm donor, and a money-machine. I told him I love him and need this with HIM. I need the reconnection with him and feel that since this is what was lost for us at the revaltion of the affair,in so many respects, it feels a way for me to reconnect to him.
You all know that I was pregnant with our 1st son when I got the papers in the mail revealing his affair and the fact that she had his son 2 months earlier. Most of you pulled me out of the rubble as I posted how I couldn't set up my sons nursery, my sisters did the whole thing. The first year of his life was spent getting into therapy, Retrovaille, and beginning chip away at the road to recovery.
Saturday, when he said this,I lost it. He told me that we are never going to have another, that I have pushed him to the limit. I have shown that I cannot handle stress, that I am unorganized, and that I can't move forward. I have just "wasted" the two years with the empty promises that I will try to change/forgive and that I have taken baby steps...
He is upset that it takes me to hit rock bottom to find the motivation to change. Just before the affair I asked him to promise me that he would tell me if he was that far out the dooor to want to leave, and he says that for years we had been fighting and when we are desparate I find the need to change. He feels it is repeating now b/c here he has told me it is done now, there is no baby in the future, and I lost it...
I was beside myself, not myself, watching myself from the side of the room as I begged him for another chance. I was crying, following him, blocking him from leaving the room. I felt desperate and was sobbing, begging ,begging ,begging. "I'll do better, I'll get the things done, please don't say no, give me another chance..." I kept repeating it...I was what one would say...hysterical. He was trying to get away from me as I tried to hug him and he just kept saying "No! Don't touch me, and the issue is closed, go do what you have to do to resolve it in your heart to move on."
Before this a friend of my daugters had called to see if tmy girls could come over to swim. He said I was in no shape to go and he would bring them, I pleaded no, I can't stay in these 4 walls and after nearly having to push me out of the bathroom, I was able to calm down enough and get into the shower to take them.
We finally left it that we would talk later.
My oldest wound up sleeping over I had to come back to get her things. It was so cold...
I came home again after dropping her things off and then I calmly looked at him and asked him if we could set a boundry, if you will. We will work on things until January and if he feels that we are better, than we can discuss it,but he has also told me that I shouldn't get my hopes up, and that I needed to promise him that if he says no that I will need to prepare on how to deal with that.
He left Mon am at 3 am for a trip and since it has been business as usual, he moves ahead without anything on his mind for 6 months, and I need to find a way to prove to him that I am not unstable, that I need to prepare for the most likely loss of my dream meanwhile holding on to the last bit of hope I have in my heart that he willl want to be the one to make my dream come true.
I have been going over this whole incident in my mind. All I did was make things worse for me. I showed my instability, he can use it against me at anytime he chooses. I also feel resentful for the upperhand he has in this, and am afraid if he says no the resentment will just grow, b/c yes, I am still hopeful. And I am so ashamed of my actions on Sat. That has never happened to me. I cried that hard only two times in my life, the day my mom died and the day of discovery. I cannot look at myself in the mirror without disappointment and am surprised if he isn't disappointed with me.
I had a friend over Mon night that knows everything and is like a sister to me. SDhe said that there is probably alot more than just the issue of the baby that triggered my meltdown. That there is probably something that I am lacking right now too. And she is right. It will have to be addressed in another post. This is already too long, but I think it has to do with the fact that I need to feel more special to him, and those measures have not been taken above and beyond what we NEED to do(ie:therapy, Retrouvaille).
I want to thank anyone who has yet again made it thru another long post and my whinning.
NGU
BTW I think I need to post more, then it may not be as long...
