Ok, an update since I have been away on vacation and have had no one to vent to (but, had a good vacation which was needed)...

SO, last week my H and his mom went out before his regular visit. BTW, visits are still completely controlled by the OW, they are where and when she wants them, and I have STILL not met this baby.

Anyway, my MIL decided to buy my H a birthday present and get pictures of him and the OC and my son--family portraits. The crazy B@($% even offered to invite the OW to be a part of the picture!!!!! While my H wisely told her to NOT call the OW, he did proceed to get these pictures done. As soon as he told me, I freaked out. What the H*#@ was he thinking, getting family pictures taken without me?!?!?!

After I calmed down and stopped LB'ing like crazy, he told me that as soon as he saw the pictures on the screen, he knew he had made a mistake but by then it was too late. He told his mom I should have been there, and her response was that I do not exist to their family because I "never tried to be a part of the family". Ok, that is complete crap, because I tried for five years to fit in with them, but because I didn't sit at home making babies and cooking dinner for my H, I was not accepted. They never liked me.

Soooooo, he has agreed to give her the money and destroy the pictures when he picks them up.

In other news, the law in AZ provides that if the paternity test is positive, the baby's last name is automatically changed to the father's. Now the OW has decided that she is going to change HER last name to my H's (and mine), so that her son won't have a different last name. OMG, I can't take the craziness....... So now the OW and I will have the same last name. All I can say is WTF????? Am I in the freaking twilight zone or what???

So, the bottom line of all this drama with in laws and such is that I finally told my H I can't take anymore. They are all trying as hard as they can to get rid of me and just insert OW where I was. And, I am about ready to let it happen, because it is driving me mad. I am cracking up--short tempered, no energy, sad or angry constantly, crying at the drop of a hat, etc. I miss being me, I feel like she got lost in all this mess.

My H freaked, which was actually nice because for the first time in a while I felt like he really does want this to work. He promised he would reduce contact with his family, because every time he is around them he makes choices for their sake, not ours (ie, family pictures w/out me). He said he finally realized while I was on vacation that he doesn't need them anymore, and wants me in his life and the healthy recovery we are working toward.

SO, my question is, am I a bully, making him choose between me and his family, or is it reasonable? I just refuse to be erased like that!

Confused!
EJ

EJ,

Well, the way that I see it is that if your H has chosen to make your M work, then he will have to choose between you and his family, if that's what they are making him do. Never take it as you making him choose, because you aren't. In fact, my MIL sorta made Sailorman choose, when she went behind our backs to inform everyone on that side of the family of Abbi's paternity! Sailorman still has a hard time talking to her!

I think that you are what's important to your H, or else he wouldn't be willing to destroy the pictures, and he wouldn't have seen those pictures as missing something since you weren't in them! You both need to do what's right for your M! If his family has a problem with that, that's their own problem, just continue to be nice and sweet to them. In other words, kill them with kindness!

Hope I helped, and glad that your vacation was wonderful!

Tigger

No you are not in the twilight zone with your request, in fact, the last time I read my bible it said that "a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife."

I support your request and your decision. OW is being a total weirdo... And, I'm sorry, but so is your MIL?!?! Evidently OW figured out how to kiss your MIL's butt and win favor with her... that's too bad...

I hope your H has the nerve to stand up to his mother and confront her bad behavior... You're not making him choose, sounds like he made up his own mind to break away from their (bad) influence.

HUGS to you EJm2B

EJ,

BTDT had it right....tell you H he needs to "Leave n' cleave".

Not sure I understand why xow is calling the shots though. Have you decided you didn't want to see the baby or be a part of the visits?

You've got the mother in law from hell...one who doesn't really love her son or care about his happiness or peace. Shame, shame on her.

This whole thing with the pictures is not your husband's fault. Je momentarily got sucked up in the undermining game of your MIL...but, thankfully, he seems to finally ahve figured out that the Biblical laws state that he is to leave his parents and family and cleave to his wife, that they are but one flesh. So your MIL's disloyalty just showed her shriveled up little pea sized heart and it probably disgusted him.

Family dynamics are a powerful thing and adults are often reduced to feeling like children around toxic parents who are selfish and manipulative.

You two are on the right track and as long as the two of you stick together and start making all your decisions together, you will recover.

Stay strong...I don't blame you one little bit, however, I think you are making headway. Don't bale now...just when things are looking up.

Catnip =^^=

EJ;
Boy do I relate here. My ILs spent years trying to end my marriage and they won.The ex is like a puppet if they said jump off a bridge she probally would. For seven years I was not invited to all the family holidays,or get togethers. The final straw is when her sister got married and left my name off the invation. The wife had a choice here and alot of people who knew her said that either I go or she stays home but she went anyways and that ended the marriage. When she came to me a couple of months later and told me that she was leaving I pointed to the door and said"there the door b**ch don't come back" I was anger but never really felt hurt more like relieved that it was going to be over and I can make a decent life for myself. She's been anger at me cause I think it wasn't the response or the outcome she had antisapated. She has tried to smooze up to me once in awhile but I won't bite. This makes her mad and even tried to have me arrest for sexual assault even though I just went there to pick up my kids. My oldest daughter found out and told her mother if she did not reverse her statement her and her sister would tell the cops the truth.
Your H has a choice the same as my EX had, either cut the apron strings or be a mamma's boy the rest of his life.

231

Thanks for all the replies--always, always helps!

Leave n' Cleave, lol--I'll have to pass that one along... Sounds like a fast food restaurant <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So, while I'm here I have another question. The XOW is dragging her feet and threatening to stall mediation until December because she is "afraid" that I will "hurt" the OC. Give me a break, first of all--that's me, baby killer. My H is working on it, but is really afraid to rock the boat for fear she will withhold all visitation until we get some kind of court order. I say, better to get a lawyer and fight than deal with all this manipulation.

My question is, should I write a letter to the OW? She apparently hallucinated some call I made to her in April, saying I would hurt the baby. This call never happened, and all the information we receive is through my evil MIL. SOO, for you OW's, would a letter help? Would she believe me if I told her all I wanted is what was best for OC, which is for his father to be allowed to have him in our home? Or would it make matters worse?

Should I just say F it and talk my H into getting a lawyer and stopping all this nonsense?

Ack
EJ

BTW--

Part of our concern is that my H is finally deciding to cut off contact with his family until they start respecting our marriage. YAY YAY, I'm so proud of him.

BUT, the only place that the OW will allow him to visit the OC is at their house, and we are afraid she will cut off visits if he asks to do them elsewhere.

ack again,
EJ

Personally I would forget the letter and cut through all the BS and see a lawyer.Any letter from you could be used against you.Record phone calls and date them.Save all letters and keep copies.

231

EJ,
ExOW tried the “she called and threatened to kill my baby” thing too.
Of course, there was no such call.

I wonder, is there some sort of Generic OW handbook???
It seems so many of them use the same lines.
I would like to get a hold of one of them, I would like to know what the next move is going to be, before it gets here… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I agree with 231.
Forget the letter. No matter how civil you would be about it, it can be misconstrued.

You are recieving second hand info and really dont have a clue who said what and whats true and what isnt.
I wouldn't write her thats a mistake. She could use it against you and probably would.
I would get a lawyer and start working with social services if it is possible and have proof why your home is ok for baby to be in, and then she will have nothing left to fight with.

Since so much of the garbage seems to be going through in laws I would stop listening to them.

Always write every little thing down no matter how silly it may seem.

i have to agree with the rest forget the letter and find good attorney. also keep a writen ledger of every thing. for the entire life of the child. write down even the smallest of tidbits. i did this with my oldest son as his mother (an ex girlfriend) was probably writing the ow handbook way back then. anyway when he was older he had some real problems with the "you esserted me thing." he was 21 at the time so i gave him my ledger to read for himself. i had writen it in what is known as the second person format (as if it were from a mediators viewpoint). i never wrote anything dirogatory just the facts of what happened and never made judgements in the ledger. his reading this accouting of the troubles i went through with his momreally opened his eyes and enabled him to rid himself of the anger he had carried for all those years. we are very close now and i have a grandson whose middle name is mine. pops