My wife and I are 45 and 44, we met last fall fell in love and married just before Christmas. We decided that we wanted to try to have a child together but she had had a tubal ligation. We made arrangements to have a tubal reversal done in April to the tune of about $6500 including airfare clear across the country. In May, I found out that she had an affair with her former lover. Apparently it was only one time but it was on the 15th day of her cycle and it was unprotected. Now she thinks that she is pregnant. Our sex life is great 7-10 times a week (really) so it is anyones guess at this point as to who the father is if she is pregnant. She tried a home test twice and they were both negative so she is going to the doctor today to see what is up since she has not had a period for 8 weeks. The last one was real light and the affair was 10 weeks ago. How do I deal with this? Do I tell her that I am afraid that it may not be mine if she is? She knows that something is bothering me but I have not yet shared this concern. I am hoping that she will either not be pregant or that the timing will be such that it is surely mine. I have been keeping an extremely close eye on her since the affair and am sure that they had no contact since the one time that she admitted to. She broke off all contact with him about 6 weeks ago until yesterday when I found out that she had called him. I got her to admit it right away but it has thrown my right back into the detective mode. I want to trust her but can I really? Sorry for rambling on here but I am dealing with a lot here. This is my first post here and I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading it.

since you dont know she is pregnant.. I owuld not jump the gun and assume anything.
You may be stressing your self for no reason.
One thing at a time.
You need to communicate to your wife what your thoughts are on this so you can come together as a couple and discuss what you are doing to head towards recovery.

Have you read the concepts on the site, Many of them are truly wonderfla nd can help a troubled marriage. EVEN if there is no affair going on.

Welcome to marriage builders. You might want to post on general questions, they will give you a much greater response.
Good luck.

Hi goldduster and welcome to MB. No, your wife has not given you a reason to trust her and yes, you probably should discuss your true feelings with her. After all, the dishonesty is what is ruining your marriage to begin with. If she were honest with you in the beginning, you would have known she was tempted to have an affair, in spite of the sexual fulfillment needs being met. She probably has other emotional needs that the other man was filling, such as affection, admiration, conversation... There are others that you can find out about in the Concepts section of this site.

I would also suggest that you and your wife take a few days to fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. There is a lot of detail so you probably want to stretch it out and take your time giving HONEST answers to all topics...

My guess is that sexual fulfillment is one of your top emotional needs so that is why you didn't see any problem in your marriage. I bet your wife's top needs are very different to yours. Check out the questionnaires and keep posting.

I hope your wife is not pregnant by the OM, but if she is, let the DNA test show the proof. I don't know what type of arrangement you could make for the child's provision, but don't get too far ahead of yourself with worry and resentment, try to recover from the affair and rebuild what you are attempting to achieve--which is a lifetime of happiness together.

Also please read Surviving An Affair to learn how you can proceed from here... Plan A is also a good thing to study. Find the Notable Posts thread on Just Found Out forum and READ IT ALL!!!! Good stuff out there. You have come to the right place to learn how to affair-proof your marriage from now on. Good luck!

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 06:34 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

GD

What a blow to have this happen during the first few months of your marriage! this is supposed to be your time together, to bond, to fall deeper in love and enjoy the newness of the relationship.

From your posts, it seems your new wife must be suffering from some deep, deep psychological problems...I mean, how can a newlywed who is intimate with her husband, (especially if you are having sex 7-10 times a week!) even remotely have the energy or the inclination to have sex or even consider having sex with someone else unless they truly are emotionally sick.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by goldduster:
[QB]We made arrangements to have a tubal reversal done in April to the tune of about $6500 including airfare clear across the country.

GD-If the OM is the bio dad, and if you paid for the tubal reversal...let him reimburse you the $6500.

Our sex life is great 7-10 times a week (really)

GD-Really?

she has not had a period for 8 weeks. The last one was real light

I am fresh out of my 40's and many of my friends experienced the onset of menopause at 44, so maybe the light period is an indication of something other than pregnancy.

She broke off all contact with him about 6 weeks ago until yesterday when I found out that she had called him. I got her to admit it right away but it has thrown my right back into the detective mode. I want to trust her but can I really? QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GD-If you have only been married a few months and experiencing this kind of betrayal just out of the gate, I would insist on some psychological evaluation to find out what her problem is. She isn't even giving the marriage a chance before she runs off and does the deed with someone else. It says a lot about her and her possible/potential problems and it has nothing to do with you; certainly has nothing to do with your stamina if its a sex thing with her.

With this kind of thing going on so early in the marriage, it would be plain to me that trust is not one of the things you will be able to count on in the future without a great deal of therapy.

While I am not one to encourage therapy, in a case like this where the behavior so clearly alarming, this is a situation where professionals need to work with your wife to find out what it is that is lacking in her character makeup that causes her to do something so destructive and sabotage something that could be the most wonderful thing that ever happened to her.

I am really sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you waited a long time to find someone wonderful so this must be very disappointing for you. Good luck and God bless.

Catnip =^^=

Thanks for the replys. They are certainly thought stimulating.

The OM is a total sleazeball. He dumped her for someone else. I know that it was over with them before I came into the picture, at least physically.

I am sure that nothing was going on before we married because she was open with me about one time that he showed up at her apartment wanting more than just to say hi. She told me about it right away and had nothing kind to say about him.

I also believe that there was nothing going on until about April because their primary contact was her cell phone and that is when the calls started.

The week before the A I noticed a change in our sex. It was still as often but it was like she was somewhere else. That is when I started piecing things together.

She swears that there was only the one time and I have no evidence that there was any other time.

I don't think that they have seen each other since physically because I think that I would see the same change in her that I saw before. And until yesterday there was no evidence of any phone calls.

I am just concerned that this may start up again. How do I stop it? The OM has some kind of power over her. He can convince her that she needs him even though he is a total loser. He is 38 and still lives with mom and dad! Her kids don't like him, her parents don't like him. I have not heard anyone say anything positive about this guy.

How do I find out what he can give her that I am not? We have done the ENQ and it was helpful. We have both read a lot of the things on this site. We have spent many hours dicussing this the ENQ and MB. But none of it has produced anything that I am doing or not doing to not meet her emotional needs.

The affection, admiration, sex, conversation, attractiveness, are all strong and the rest of them are there for both of us.

When I tried to pin her down as to why she had the A she could not come up with a reason or at least one that she was willing to share.

I have asked her specifically what he can give her that I can't and she says nothing. He has nothing to offer that is apparent.

I love her more that I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. She is everything to me. She says that I am the same for her.

Short of moving 2000 miles away how do we get the OM out of the picture? How do I break this EA if that is what it is?

Thanks for reading this.

[QUOTEThe OM has some kind of power over her. He can convince her that she needs him even though he is a total loser. He is 38 and still lives with mom and dad! Her kids don't like him, her parents don't like him. I have not heard anyone say anything positive about this guy.

How do I find out what he can give her that I am not? QB][/QUOTE]

Some women are just attracted to "bad boys". They think it's exciting to be with someone unconventional or that bad boys are a little dangerous and if everyone hates the bad boy, it evokes some misplaced 'compassion' for lack of a better word. Sometimes women are attracted to losers because it makes them feel superior to them. Sometimes they are attracted to losers because they are into self-sabotage and don't feel worthy to have something meaningful and deep with someone like you...maybe your love and openness is too threatening to her and she is too scared to get so deep...who knows? I don't. These are just ideas to bounce around.

Barring you buying a leather jacket and a Harley, I'd see a professional who would be able to help both of you find the weak spot in the marriage and why her willingness to cave at this guy's phone calls. Maybe she just needs tons of outside validation that she is attractive and desirable.

good luck

Catnip =^^=

The clinic just called and the pg test was negative. What bittersweet news. I am so relieved that she is not carrying his child but also disappointed that she is not carrying mine.

Dear Goldduster:
I'm sorry to hear your pain.
I can tell you love your W. She is lucky to have you.
I can understand the "bittersweet" news. But maybe its for the best. For example, what steps would you have had to take to get peace of mind regarding the father of the unborn child? How long would that have taken? And, how healthy for the raising of the child after it was born? I think this is a good thing at this point. It gives you time to work with your W to improve your M, and answer to your satisfaction your questions you have in your M.
I would also like to mention that although 44 years old is not too old to have a baby, it is still a high risk pregnancy. This means that both mother and child are at risk - even including death. A woman is born with all the eggs she will ever produce in her life, and these mature as the woman matures. Sometimes, they age beyond being capable of producing a viable baby, and severe birth defects, and mental defects are far more likely later in life. So, you end up with a special needs child which further strains your marriage. Medical technology can save a young fetus and young baby in spite of unbelievable defects. However, is the price of pain that baby/child will face throughout its life worth it? Please think about this.
Maybe it would be better to work on improving your marriage first - THEN consider foster care, or adoption. You might even try SPECIAL NEEDS foster care to get a taste of what this may be like. States can never find enough families willing to do this.....
Please, please, please be certain before pursuing this further.
Best thoughts to you.