Ok peeps, I have another question (hmm, maybe I will be a good counselor)...

I understand and embrace the philosophy that my H strayed due to his ENs not being met--minus the abuse I can see that some things I do are not condusive to married life. I can be kind of a
B#$%^, actually.

BUT, I'm caught in this quagmire of resentment and fear about the OW and the ILs etc etc. Now, I get so wrapped up in all that drama I am unable to focus on my marriage or my life in general. I worry constantly about them and the future of my family, and forget that I'm alive NOW, and I have graduate school, work and a son of my own to care for, not to mention a marriage that is just barely attempting to get on its feet.

So, the question is, how do I beat these intrusive thoughts out of my head and focus on the here and now and what I can control? I'm considering the anti-depressant route--would that help?

Thanks all--you help sooooooooooo much!
EJ

EJmom2B,
Speaking from the anti-depressant side, they didn't help with racing ow thoughts. That came with reassurance on my H's part. There comes a time where you must start some sort of normalcy.

It will happen in time.

It's been a long 20 months since d-day for us. I can tell you the thoughts don't go away completely. How can something of this magnitude fade in such a short period of time? They do happen with less frequency and less intensity.

Keep on truckin'. You're as normal as all of us BS here.
love
Debi

Hang in there and if you find the secret to erasing the hurt and pain of an A please share. I too feel like it will never end and d day was only 3 months ago.

EJm

Just like you can't hurry love, you can't hurry recovery. There is a period of mourning that we all go through and it takes up to three years or more. The significant pain and obsessive behavior we all indulge in starts to decrease around the two year mark, depending on your obsessive nature.

I happen to be extremely obsessive, I've discovered. And jealous. Something I never knew about myself until 1998.

Since I am extremely competitive and tend to be territorial and protective of me and mine, I hate to loose or have anything taken from me. I feel I worked so hard on this marriage all those twenty years and to have some interloper, some stranger just waltz in and knowingly involve herself with a man she knew had a wife and kids, a business, a history and all the trimmings of married life, I resented that she thought my marriage was so much less than it was and that she could just take my place. It enraged me and it made me nuts. My early posts, and unfortunately, some of my recent posts, show this unattractive side of me. But, I say "so what?"

So what? That's part of the recovery process. I am completely entitled to pout, grouse and complain, whine, mourn and rage over defiling what was pure and mine. While I am not absolving spouse of anything, we are here discussing the obsessing of OW and her part in this drama...so all you OW's out there, just butt out of this one...

My OW spent two weekends (she was a short fling) out of the three she spent with my husband, peeing on a stick. She intentionally got knocked up and didn't care who it effected, didn't care who it hurt, didn't care who it destroyed and was only looking for a means to feather her nest with a kid. My husband's judgment was clouded with alcohol and his disease and the fling was so brief, it just never occurred to him it could happen since I never got pregnant in all those years. He was on a destructive course anyway where his reckless behavior was evident in every facet of our lives at that time. He sabotaged our business and took enormous risks that had no logic behind it, then wondered how it all unraveled like it did, loosing a million dollars overnight and sealing our fate. In my case, my husband was simply a sick, sick man who indulged himself in every area over the course of a few months that changed the course of our lives forever.

The OW thought my husband had money (part of the grandiose nature of bipolar people who believe they are more and have more than they do) OW didn't take the time to investigate to see if my husband was real or an illusion. All she cared about was being in her mid-thirties and childless and being unemplyed, needing an income.

When I think of these things, it makes me nuts and I am into year four. But, I don't think about this on an hourly, daily, weekly or even monthly basis anymore. Now when I discuss it like I am with you, it is almost in a detached informative vein to shed light on how it was then and how it is now. But the reason for my healing is my husband's devotion and deep commitment to me. And THIS part of the equation has only been this past year. Recovery takes a long, long time.

Try to be more patient, EJm....this is not going to happen overnight and the suffering and images will continue for a time. Posting your disappointment and anxiety here helps you a lot because it is almost like a therapy because you can rid yourself of some of these feelings for a time through the magic keystrokes. After you post, I bet you feel a sense of relief for a time, don't you?

Stay close to God, stay strong and allow yourself to grieve...you are entitled. And don't let anyone cow you into thinking what you are feeling is not normal or that you are not entitled to xcomplain occaasionally. This is the most horrible thing that can happen to a marriage, EJm, and you are entitled to take as long as you need to get through it. You are entitled to shift blame back and forth between OW and WS as long as it serves you and you look at the entire situation honestly and continue working on your marriage and the Harley principles. Don't allow anyone to scold you for your viewpoints or your feelings because they have no right to take that important part of your recovery from you.

You'll be OK in time, the bad stuff will diminish...be patient. Do what you need to do to feel better and heal. To thine own self, be true.

Catnip =^^=

Catnip,

You give me such hope. It has only been 3 months since d day and you have described my feeling to a T. I hope that someday the A will not be the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night and about 100 other times throughout the day.

Hey Cat,

Nice post. Were those bipolar things meant for me? :-) I especially like the "have more and are more" part. I get it; I just don't know what to do about it. You should have added in the imagined/exaggerated injuries thing and the plans to "make them pay."

MJ

Thanks for all the support and guidance!

Catnip--thanks so much for your heartfelt response. It's nice to get permission to be a B(#$% sometimes.

You know, I think what irks me the most is that, one year later, she is still controlling MY life. And I let that happen. That really chaps my hide.......

Thanks, all!
EJ

catnip,
I know I am a FOW but I am also a FWS so I am going to comment any way. I think there is nothing wrong with venting and being angry and you and any one else should have every right to do so. I have been angry that xom spent so much time trying to destroy my marriage, for his satisfaction, so he could have both famlies and did not care what that would do to my children or husband or my self. I have been angry because he lied about birth control, he said he had a vasectomy when he did not, he also thought having a baby with me was an ego booster, He has a tremendous ego. He knew we were having problems and he new just what to do and I fell for it .. even though I had never ever been unfaithful to my husband. But I am to blame as well, I let him control my life and make decisions for me and did so for years and years. So I am glad we are entittled to feel this way, because ever so often I have all those same feelings and blame him. and ever so often seeing him triggers those emotions.. However I keep them to my self, although I may vent to husband ever so often.

So speaking for my self only.. why wouldnt you be angry.. you have every right to be.