Okay, here's an update and some questions that I have. I'm at the end of my rope with H. He told me Saturday that he was no longer going to contact XOW about baby. If she needed to get in contact with him she could leave him a message. Well last night I asked him if he had heard from her (of course he hasn't volunteered anything). He told me that he hadn't heard from her, but that he had called her "a couple of times" and left her messages. This set me off because I've told him until we find out for sure if the baby's his or not I can deal with contact as long as I'm involved and he lets me know what's going on, i.e. when he's called her, she's called him, if they've talked, how things are going, etc.

Everyone is telling me that I need to ask for no contact. I don't really understand how testing would be worked out without contact and I honestly don't have a problem with it - that is until we find out for sure - as long as I know what's going on. He isn't telling me anything though until I ask and all he can say is to "give him some slack" since he's out of town and can't really do anything right now. I'm about to the point of going back to no contact regardless of child if he can't be more open about it. To remind everyone, H is still living at home but is a musician and has been on the road since 07/12 - won't be home until 08/18. Hasn't had contact with XOW until about two months ago when she contacted him about pregnancy and child possibly being his.

Questions--

How is testing worked out without contact?

Should I ask for no contact?

I'm sorry if this is rambling a bit, but I'm about to start pulling my hair out.

testing can be done in independent labs, with witnesses It is not very difficult and neither party has to see each other if they dont want to.

WE did our testing in his truck and then mailed them in together. so it isnt rocket science. He didnt want testing I demanded it.

We have no contact and have since the beginning. She didn't tell him she was pg until she was 5 months and then the next thing he heard was she had the baby. Since then she sent some pics in the beginning but none in the past 1 1/2 years. She has only called when she wanted money for the birth and when my H was late on one payment(Only by 10 days).
Our DNA was done thru the mail. MY h found a place over the internet and called. One packet was sent to him and one to her, as she lives in a different state. Then we both sent them back. Once they got both packets it took two weeks for results. It was simlpe swab of the cheek.
If you should ask for no contact is really up to the two of you. My H made the final decision, however he did ask my opinion. I was very fair in my answer, to make sure he wasn't doing it b/c of me.His decision was that he would be financially responsible. I really don't think that when there is a child involved the "no contact" is NO contact. Of course, there is always the possibility of some sort of contact. But it can be minimal, and he needs to tell you. My H has assured me he would, and I do believe him b/c he has been upfront with all other information, and he knows if he even lies by ommission, there will be no tolerance by me. So the no contact in our situation would be for him to tell you if there is, and why, and keep you involved.
Hope this helped...
NGU

Thanks for the advice. I didn't realize you could do testing without actually having to go into a clinic or doctor's office. I've never been through any of this before. Don't have much time right now but will check in in a little while. Boss is coming!!!!

Okay, have a little more time right now.

MOF and NGU, thanks for the advice and the suggestions.

Like I've said before I don't really have a problem with contact until we find out for sure. I mad be odd, but I don't see why he can't be concerned since it may be his child. If it is his, then I have no problem with visitation and support. The only problem I'm having is feeling like I'm being left out. I think I deserve to know what it is going on--if there is any contact and what the contact was--without having to feel like I'm prying. She also lives in another state than we do and right now he's two states away from either of us. She didn't contact him until the doctors changed her due date and she became concerned that it may be his. She has a BF that it may also belong to. The BF is supposed to be getting tested now so hopefully we'll know something by the time H gets home.

I have said that if it's not his, then we are going back to no contact. I don't really feel like pressing for no contact right now would be in any way helpful to the situation, but I feel that I deserve to be included. If I'm not included and made to feel like I have to pry, then I feel like he shouldn't have contact at all. Does that make any sense? If so, what can I do to encourage more openness?

I would guess if you dont mind contact and you want to take part in it. The only way your husband will feel that is safe is to be open and not angry about it so husband can share with you.. with out fear of making you angry.

xom's WIFE TOLD HIM NO CONTACT.. so he lied and came to see his daughter every week, till he convinced her he had to do this openly. She made him go to counselors and he would just grin and bare it and do what he wanted any way.
If she does get angry about something, he makes a decision that he wont tell her anything. so I can see where trying to be open about this would help a relationship. I tell my husband about contact and so we dont really argue over such stuff any more.
I dont believe his wife knows how much he sees daughter, because sometimes when he shows up to see her, he doesnt answer cell phone... That means his wife is calling and she doesnt know where he is.
But he also tells me its no big deal, he can see her any time he wants... who knows I dont try to guess about it.
I dont think you should give her money for a baby you are not sure is your husbands.. just my opinion..

I think they sometimes dont say things because they dont want to set off the wife... so they keep it to themselves.

In AZ, the state sued us for paternity when she went on state aid.

What I found out later was that if you go through the child support office (ours is through the Department of Economic Security) they will set up testing for you, as well as garnish wages for child support right out of a paycheck. Therefore, the two parents don't ever have to have contact--about CS or the paternity results.

The process is really cool--set up so that parents don't have to have drama where their kids are concerned. Too bad they don't have this kind of support in place if you want visitation...

Good luck!
EJ

MOF,

The only time we do argue is when he isn't open with me. The times that he has been forthcoming I've made sure to thank him for letting me know. I also try to keep my questions to a minimum so he doesn't feel interagated or anything. I'm trying my best to be understanding and supportive; if only he would be open with me. Also, as far as I know he isn't sending her any money.

EJ,

I don't know the laws in her state; I don't even know if she's on state aid. I know that here in our state if you name a father and you're on state aid, they go for support. It's a sticky situation though because until they changed her due date she thought her BF was father. And she's not outright saying H is the father of her son just that it's between the both of them. I don't know how all that works in her state, but like I said I don't even know if she's on state aid.

Thanks for the support and the advice.

Men dont open up as much as women do and they see things so different than we do.
He sees not mentioning her and not upsetting you as a way to show you he is trying.

You see his silence as another act of betrayal.. I know because i see my husbands the same way..
WOMEN WANT TO KNOW EVERY THING AND MEN PREFER TO LEAVE IT ALONE. I am sure God had a reason for making us this way. We just havent figured it all out yet. lol

MOF,

You're absolutely right. Okay then, where's the happy "middle" ground on this one cause I'm surely lost! LOL

dumplin,
I just wanted to say that she could tell the state she does not know and it is between these two people and they will test both men. That is what happened to someone I know.

Dawn

I am not sure where the middle ground is.. I dont ask any more about things I want to know and he is happy with that. so I wouldnt say that was ideal.
I guess just keep doing what your doing and in time it will even out. I dont have triggers so much any more, I can even eat at some of the restraunts he took women to now, but the thoughts are always in my mind. But I am able to control them and not scream. I am not eating at that crappy place.. I just smile and say that would be fine. I dont want someone else to control how I feel or what I do.

<small>[ August 07, 2002, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Even without being on state aid, at least in my county...

I found out after the fact that the father can initiate CS proceedings and get the test done--the mother is not the only one who can ask for a paternity test.

Find out where the CS office is where she is--if ya'll are willing to pay the CS anyway, might as well get the process started--soonest begun, soonest done.

AND, if it turns out the kid is not your H's, he doesn't have to pay for the cost of the test (at least that is my understanding).

EJ

Dawn71, thanks for the advice. I'm not sure if the state is even involved in any of this though.

MOF, I don't know if I could live with that (not asking) though. I'm thinking the best thing I can do is ask if he doesn't say anything and just take what answer he gives without getting upset if I find out things have happened or changed without him telling me (the going from not calling to calling her for example). He told me that the last time he actually talked to her the BF (who broke up with her when he found out the baby could possibly not be his and the other person was married) was there and they were talking so he wasn't going to call anymore. H is hoping (or at least he tells me) that they get back together and the baby is BF's or they don't worry about testing and BF just claims baby as his (signing birth certificate). Makes sense though what you said when H tells me he is trying to update me when he doesn't say a word until I ask. ARG!

EJ, I don't think any state agency is involved in any of it right now. I haven't heard anything about the state's involvement at all. H said he's going to straighten all of this out when he gets back home in two weeks and there's really nothing he can do from where he is anyway. He has no mailing address or anything because they're constantly moving from place to place. I will check it out though and tell H about it when he gets back.

Thanks all of you for your wonderful help and support!

dumplin

I dont kow what to do , my husband thinks if he doesnt mention something he must be in the clear.. haha I however know when he is not being truthful and it is easy to spot.

Funny I used to ask a million questions and get angry.. but when the shoe was on the other foot he didnt really want to know any thing and prefers not to talk about specifics.

I know exactly what you are saying and I really don't know what to do either. I handle it by asking one question and getting his answer. I don't ask 15 questions or he feels like I'm interagatting (sp?) him. Now if he offers information I'll just thank him and not ask any questions at all. That's all I know to do.

I think that is the hardest part, not hounding him for answers, My husband used to say I forgot.. How the heck do you forget.. I doubt it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I have just come to the conclusion he will only admit what he gets caught at, the rest will die with him. lol

I think the biggest factor in our marriage is lack of communication.

Are you sure you're not me, lol. That's our biggest problem too. I want openness and he wants to categorize everything and say that this is one situation and that is another and the two shall never meet. ARG!

Hopefully, I've gotten him over that now because I told him that both situations involved him so they were all intertwined. You can't have something that doesn't affect the other if one person is involved in both.

The only way I keep from asking so many questions anymore is by literally biting my tongue or removing myself from the situation. If he's home, I start washing dishes or doing something else to occupy my brain--like coming here and reading posts! If I don't the questions will run around my brain until they eventually find a way out.

It has taken me a long time to learn to control that part of me.. It is one of the most difficult things you will do.. I see it as I need more info because your not being honest.. He sees it as I am being a ***** and why for gods sake dont I just let it go.
Unfortunately for us, I let it go when I found someone else, not before.. Now I have learned alot about things and wish I had known some things before I met om. But I cant change my past and neither can my husband. SO I have to deal with it and move on... I am not sure what or if I will do any thing if he cheats on me again but it is something that has been in his nature for many years, so I do know it could happen again. He doesnt see it the same as I do so that is a big issue between us.

I know exactly how you feel. I don't really need more information because I think he's lying; I just feel left out when I should be involved.

What drives me crazy is when I do start to withdraw he goes crazy trying to figure out what's wrong with me. It's not that I withdraw on purpose I just get tired of going through it over and over and over again with no results.