The only time I get a response that seems real from husband is when I pretend nothing is bothering me and i go on about my business.. Because you see.. usually I am talking..lol If I shut up he knows something is wrong. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I dont have to deal with the thought of a child by my husband with someone else.. so I would imagine, my anguish would be greater... I wouldnt want to be us if that happened.
I think you are doing well, much better than I ever did when I was questioning every thing.

Of course I'm hanging everything on the thought that this child is not my H's.

I'm okay I guess; could be better-could be worse. A has been over (hmmmm, let's see) around 9 months now---ARG!!!!!!! I have plenty of triggers, but I try to keep them to myself because all it does is cause more problems. Still trying to get over all the mean things that H has said to me in the past and sometimes still says when we argue.

I'm trying to focus on the here and now because if I go beyond that I'll end up on Paxil again, crying all the time, worrying myself until I was physically sick, and I'm NOT going through that mess again. I'm protecting myself as much as possible while trying to work on my marriage. Thanks for the vote of confidence though. Everyone else around me seems to think I'm crazy for even putting up with any of this.

When I get quiet, H gets scared! LOL. If I become really calm and really quiet that means watch out because I'm about to blow!!! He knows if I'm mad and yelling that everything's okay.

we do sound simialar.

I dont think triggers go away completely. I remember all my husbands indiscretions like they happened this morning, he never hid much and was easy to catch, You know things like, going to the store for me and not coming home till the next day, I couldnt tell you the amount of military wives who came on to him in front of me and then slept with him later.
It took me years to see that it wasnt my fault, I spent years trying to be a better wife, trying to figure out what I had done wrong... turns out Nothing, It wasnt me, he had a problem and My children and I are the ones that suffered because of it. I have triggers to this day from 17 years ago and I have triggers from a year and a half ago. The triggers remain the same, But what has changed is me. I am not the same person. I am stronger and I know if I want I could make it with out him. I also know there is nothing wrong with me, It is his problem and when you listen to someone be verbally abusive day in and out, you startt to believe it.
My husband was not a nice person and he knows it. He is lucky I am still around, I hope one day we will have the marriage I wanted all these years, but if Not I know I tried and I am ok with that. I still love him and will always love him.
How can you not love someone you have been with so many years.
But I no longer accept verbal or physical abuse in my life any more. It is not acceptable.

<small>[ August 07, 2002, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

WOW it sounds like you've been through more than I've ever imagined. Your H should thank the Lord every day that you're still around.

H and I had a problem with verbal and physical abuse for a very short time after d-day (especially the second d-day when I found out A had started again). I would hound him until he snapped and pushed me (sometimes worse), but he found out that wouldn't stop me. I gave as good (and sometimes better) than he did so that didn't last long. He figured out that wouldn't scare me into shutting up. I regret the things I do in a way, but at the same time I don't because I stood up for myself and let him know I wasn't going to take it. I specifically remember one time (don't really like talking about it) that he started in telling me how wonderful she was while laughing at me crying. I kept telling him to stop, but he just kept laughing and telling me about her. I scared him and myself when I snapped and grabbed him around the throat with my fingernails. I told him that I said to shut up and if he didn't that I would rip his adam's apple out. I honestly didn't know what I was doing for about 15 seconds, but when I looked into his eyes I realized it. I let go of him, walked away and left the house. When I returned he apologized saying he realized that he had done was hurting me and I apologized for snapping. I don't know if he even thinks about that day, but I know it runs through my head alot. I'm not saying that I was the first one to become physical though; that was him, but I really really regret doing that. That day was the day that we both decided things had to change or we weren't going to work anything out. It still took him a while to figure out he couldn't have both me and her, but he was at least civil and not abusive any longer.

By the way, first time around with A H wasn't hiding anything. He would call OW and tell her he loved her while I was in the next room and could hear everything he said. Next go around (after ending all contact for about a month) he tried to hide things, but isn't very good at it. This time (I don't really think an A is going on.) he didn't tell me for about a month about pregnancy, but he finally did tell me without me having to snoop and find out myself.

I think sometimes we dont know how our emotions get the best of us.
My husband spent years trying to make me feel bad about my self and after all he was with all these women must be something wrong with me. His only problem he seem to have was I did not drink alcohol or leave my children with who ever to party.. I was told I was ugly and fat and I look at pictures now and say gee I was so tiny, I new i was but husband said mean things so much I began to believe it. It got so bad that I was afraid to go any where and living in a foriegn country being alone does not do much for your self esteem, every time I trusted someone , they slept with my husband. I became very suspicious of people and hated every one, and trusted no one.
I hate to say this bUT I DIDNT BEGIN TO HEAL UNTILL I BECAME FRIENDS WITH OM and husband didnt begin to see how much damage he had done till I became friends with om. He was shocked because that is not something I would have done in a million years. But I now know why it happened and can deal with it.
I am happy with my self and MY husband has learned not to treat me like he once did. He thought all those years he was keeping me in line and making sure I didnt leave him, But he drove me away.

I think that is why some dont understand why I dont feel guilt and shame like they would expect a WS to FEEL, I am all cried out, I have no more tears, I just do not cry any more, My husband took them all away and he knows it. I am sorry for what happened and yes I devoted many years to a person that was not my spouse and I had a child with that man. But I dont have any more tears to cry and My husband has a choice to stay or go and he is free to do what he wants.

My husband never loved any of the women, he just got drunk and would sleep with them once or twice if he could get away with it. I would guess that was the hardest thing for him to over come, was that I had a relationship for so many years,and he knew how I felt or I would not have been sleeping with om.

H and I have over come alot and we have so much farther to go.. I dont know if we will make it or not, but I will give it my all this last time, if it doesnt work we tried and we will continue to parent our children.
I think that is all you can do.. Your very best and if that doesnt work you tried.
I wish I could go back and change many things about our life, but I cant and neither can you, just keep moving forward and see what happens. I cant keep tabs on husband all the time and he can not keep tabs on me we have to trust each other and thats all there is too it.

I agree with everything you've said. No one can change the past; you can only move forward. Sorry it took me so long to respond. Left work and had to pick up kids and all that. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me. I really appreciate having someone to talk to. Just got the phone bill in the mail today and all I can say is thank goodness he was gone half the month. The bill is over $100 and he wasn't here half the month. There are many calls to her and some of them are over an hour long. So I'm ticked again. I don't understand why they would need to talk that long. I think I'm really at the end of my rope and about ready to move to Plan B.

Knowing it would show up on the phone bill I would think if he was hiding something He would have done a better job.

You have been doing a pretty good job of plan A. I think you need to decided for sure if you want to go to plan B and when.
I would ask about the bill before jumping to conclusions.

I dont mind chatting, Helps me sometimes as well. Reminds us we are not all alone in our thoughts. although most days I am on here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ August 07, 2002, 06:45 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

He doesn't worry about hiding stuff; he thinks as long as he has the excuse that she's pregnant (now had a child) that he can talk to her whenever and however long he wants. I plan on asking him about it when he calls back. Tried to call him when I got home and he was still asleep. He's supposed to call back so I won't be able to be online much tonight.

I'm usually on here off and on while at work; depends upon how busy I am and sometimes while at home. Been staying on here more than normal lately-mainly reading posts. I'll be back online later tonight, but I've got to go for now so he can call.

try not to get to upset when you talk. I know thats easy to say. But let him explain first. I also know there is no reason to be on the phone that long. unless maybe they were arranging for testing.
You never know.

I talked to H and they weren't arranging for testing; they were just talking about how everyone was doing. Well the situation with the BF is up in the air again. He showed up at her house drunk and high and she ended up calling the police to get him out of the house. Now she's moving in with her dad.

H and I talked and he told me that from now on he will let me know when there has been contact of any kind--not just when he has new information. His thinking of letting me know what was going on was to let me know when he had new information or information that was pertinent; not just that he had talked to her and things were fine. She's on bed rest for another 3 weeks and H won't be home for almost two weeks. He told me that he doesn't have any problem with me going with him to her state if he has to do DNA testing. He's hoping that the BF will be tested and the results be in either by time he gets home or shortly after. He said if not then he will get tested and put an end to all this mess. I honestly don't think he believes that it is his, but is afraid to mess things up (court wise and showing concern) in the slight chance that it is his. He said that he doesn't enjoy talking to her because he doesn't want to mess up our relationship, but he's trying to do the right thing. It may sound funny, but I would be worried about what kind of man I married if he didn't want anything to do with the baby if it is his and if he didn't want to know for sure. I told him about the internet testing and the CS office testing and he said the first one sounded good; the second he hoped it didn't come to that. Our relationship is still basically in the air because he's tired of feeling like nothing is getting worked out. I told him that it's hard to work things out when they keep coming back up; I realized though that this time it wasn't really his fault (he didn't initate contact), but without openness and honesty I was feeling like she matters more than me. I told him that as for me I felt I 200% better than the past because I have not contacted her myself and started anything (done it before a couple of times) and I'm here handling his entire web site, fan mail, musicians who e-mail, etc. for him with no spite or anything else involved. I've done both of these major things in the past and I'm proud of the fact that I've gotten beyond that and realize that it won't help anything anyway so why do it????? I'm also working at my own job, taking care of the kids on my own, taking care of house, etc. I've done both of these major things in the past and I'm proud of the fact that I've gotten beyond that and realize that it won't help anything anyway so why do it????? That's our conversation in a nutshell. Any encouragement because I'm feeling pretty low right now? I'm going to do my best to get along with him while he's gone and I hope he holds up to his end.

I'm supposed to call him back in about an hour to talk to him for a while (hopefully just a normal conversation) since the only times I've gotten to talk to him over 15 minutes the whole time he's been gone is when we've been arguing. Always been about the same thing--him not being open with me.

I really just feel like crying, but it upsets my 4 year old (sensitive little man) to see me cry so I'm holding it in. I realize I'm rambling now so I'll go read a couple of other posts for a little while and check back. I just really need some encouraging thoughts right now that things will be okay. My emotions are rung out; I miss him and I want him to come home so bad that I can't stand it. But at the same time I don't want him home and all this crap continue.

<small>[ August 07, 2002, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: dumplin ]</small>

Your doing well holding up. I know it isnt easy holding down the fort for months at a time with the spouse gone and feel like you are the only one dealing with these issues.
The military was very much like that for us. I had to do every thing and he was gone all the time.
All though he is home more, I still have to do every thing.. hmmm maybe we havent progressed as much as I thought. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hang in there and I am glad he told you the truth about the phone calls, I hope you can make some sort of arrangement to not have them any more.

Remember no matter what.. you do not have to travel to her state to do DNA testing no matter what any one tells you.

Just to butt in a little--

What do we teach our children when we hide our pain?

Do we teach them that pain is not an option? Do we teach them that it is not ok to cry?

Are we really helping them by hiding our feelings? Imagine if our children never saw us happy. They would never know what happiness was, or that it was ok to feel happy. I tend to feel the same way about sadness, anger, and pain. If I can model appropriate responses (um, the hard part) to these feelings, I feel it is better for my son to see me feeling them.

Just my .02!
EJ

MOF,

Thanks for the encouragement. And the advice on going anywhere DNA testing. I have mixed emotions on the DNA testing. I don't want to go to her state for the testing, but I would like (hee hee) to be able to walk in there side by side with him and see her face! Meanness, I know. Sometimes it just has to come out.

EJ,

I agree with you on showing your children emotions, but the poor thing has seen his Momma crying so much lately that I'm worried for him. It's also hard to explain the situation to a 4 year old (A and possible OC) so all he knows is Daddy has made Momma cry again and he gets very mad at Daddy. Refuses to speak to him and says he doesn't like him because he made Momma cry. H seems to think I've turned him against him, but I haven't really said anything to him except Momma's upset and sad. So no, I don't try to hide my feelings from him, but I don't want him depressed or mad most of the time.

Thanks for all the help!

be careful what you wish for , You may not like it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm not really wishing for that; believe me. Just one of those thoughts that you know will never turn out like you actually would want them to. Nice day dream though, lol. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I understand

I hear you about explaining the situation--my son is 3 and a half.

He visits with his brother twice a week, and knows the baby is is brother.

B. is an extrodinarily sensitive kid (counselor's kid). When he sees me cry, he tries to take care of me, he hugs me and kisses me and tells me "it's ok mommy, don't cry". I actually have to argue with him, and tell him it is ok if I cry sometimes, because it is ok to feel sad.

I'm actually very proud of how we have handled this situation with him. He knows sometimes we get sad and angry, but that we love each other and we love him always. He used to get really concerned and try to butt in when we were having "discussions" to ease the tension, but now he knows everything will be ok.

Of course, this is the kid who told me that the lady at the circle K hurt his feelings when she called him "little", because he is big.

This kid is a natural born psychologist.

EJ

EJ,

LOL, it must be the age. I have a 10 year old also and he acts like he could care less! Of course he's never been huggy kissy like the 4 year old is. I'm starting another thread about DNA testing and I would appreciate your advice.