ULA,

I just was wondering how you are doing and hoping that things were going well with you. I look forward to hearing from you.

God Bless,

JL

Funny you should ask. I had just logged in to post a new topic when I saw your query.

Its time for my periodic pity party and I have no one else to vent to so please forgive me if it seems like I am rehashing the same old problems.

I feel anger from all sides and I don’t think I can take much more. I had dinner with my youngest son last night and he is so angry with his mother that he had to leave the room while still ranting a couple of times. When I pointed it out to him, he couldn’t see his anger as being a problem, that is he doesn’t feel like he needs any professional assistance.

Then when I got home I was faced with an angry W. She is angry that I can still see the boys and she is not allowed. She is also angry that she has raised two sons to what she feels is the best of her ability and they have deserted her. I also know that she harbors resentment towards me for involving them. I empathize with all parties but I am really tired of feeling like I am in the middle of a dilemma for which there is no solution and I played only a minor role in creating.

I feel like I am the only one who is able to forgive in the whole family and I am the one most affected by this whole mess. Why should I have people trying to make me feel guilty? D**mit I am not!

I don’t want to get sucked back into the angry mode again. I didn’t even like myself when I was enraged and broken at the same time.

It seems like W and I get along famously until the kids are mentioned and then it turns sour.

Well I feel just a little bit better just by writing this down. Thank God for this site and all of the understanding people here.

God Bless
ULA

ULA,

There is a solution. Refuse to be in the middle. Simply refuse to accept your W's anger about this and tell her so. She knows darn well why her boys won't deal with her. It isn't because they are ungrateful, it is because she made a lie out of their lives and how she has treated you. It isn't because they love you more, but that you have loved them.

They also know something that you won't admit although the evidence is strong. They know that she is not really sorry for what she did. She feels it is groveling to show sorrow. SHe did it for a short time,but compared to the time she made a lie out of their lives it is a fleeting moment in time.

As for your YS, quit trying to run his life. He does have the right to be angry, he of all was lied to and cheated. He was cheated of his expected place in the family he grew up in, and he was even cheated out of knowing his bio-father. I am not saying he WANTED to know him or change fathers, but he never had the choice. He is not connected as well to the family as emotionally he would like.

You are right "good" counseling would help, but more than anything he has to work through it. His real problem is that he knows his own mother isn't repentant. Why? Her own efforts to seek forgiveness where short lived, but THE TELLING one is how she has treated you since you found out.

More than anything those boys know she doesn't feel repentant because they see how she has treated you.

So next time W starts to get angry, tell her to stop you won't accept it, and you won't be put into the middle of something she has failed to correctly address. Her pride, her selfishness are what is holding all of this back, not you.

So don't let it happen. Just don't. That is all I can say. Frankly, I was worried because your last post indicated that she was in contact with yet another man. You were considering leaving. I wondered if you did. My guess is that it will come to this and will take this before she has a clue as to what she has done and even considers how to change her approach to you and the boys.

Sorry for the dump ULA. But, your situation really just gets to me. Your W didn't lose her sons, she pushed them away and continues to do so. She wants her pride and respect more than she wants their love and they know it.

Glad you are doing better than I feared. I am sorry you are not doing as well as you hoped.

God Bless,

JL