Hi, all. Been visiting for some time and recently mustered the courage to post. I must say just reading through this site over the past couple months has made me feel like I have a support group, for which I am very thankful.

My story is that I've been married for 10 yrs. and 2 years ago got involved with another (married) man. The affair lasted a year, was incredibly passionate, and probably the most emotionally satisfying relationship I had ever had.

Long story short, I got pregnant with my lover's baby. My lover said he wanted to divorce his wife and marry me. When I finally told my husband what was going on, he said he didn't care if the baby wasn't his and that he wanted to work things out with me and raise this baby as his own (my husband and I don't have any other children).

It was an agonizing decision, but I decided to stay with my husband and try to work things out. My lover then moved with his wife and children to the other side of the U.S. and I haven't heard from him since. Its been a year since he left and I miss him terribly, but out of respect for what he is trying to rebuild with his wife, I have not contacted him .

My husband and I are going through Dr. Harley's book, "His Needs, Her Needs" and we are trying to work things out the Marriage Builders way. In spite of my love and appreciation for my husband, it has been very difficult because my thoughts are constantly drawn to my lover. Not to mention that now I have a little reminder of him (my infant son whom my husband and I both very much adore). I haven't pursued child support or visitation, because even though I would very much like to have my lover back in my life in any possible way, I do realize how dangerous it would be - to everyone involved. Plus, it seems like my lover has either forgotten all about me (and his newborn son), or just doesn't care, which hurts tremendously.

Not sure what I'm looking for here from you all. Maybe someone to assure me that in spite of the feelings of pain and withdrawl, I made the right decision.

Fog alert!!!!!!!!

Have you read the parts of the site regarding infidelity yet? I highly recommend that you do!

Aside from that, YES you made the right decision to have no contact and work it out with your husband. Good job!

Stay here, get support (but beware me when I'm feeling like a cranky BS-nothing personal).

EJ

no place

welcome to marriage builders. and yes you belong here,You are trying to make a marriage work and using the principles you learned on this site.
Try not to get to offended if you get a flame or two, it seems to happen alot here.
If your happy and want to stay married you made the right choice.
Children arent hard to love so I am sure it was a easy choice for your husband, my husband adores our daughter and wouldnt want to ever be with out her. I do know it hurts to have someone turn their back on your child and run, but you know what... Your son and you and your husband are better off with out having someone in their life like that. Why bring someone in your sons life, who doesnt care about him or you.
Your son has a father who loves him and you have made a home for the three of you.

It is difficult to get over someone that was so much a part of your life. I spent many years with om and He and I will probably always have a connection, but life would be easier for me, if he would have stayed the coward he was in the beggining. However that would not be fair to my daughter.. He is a great dad and he and I get along fine , But there is danger in being so close to the person you loved so often. I think he and I see that danger all the time and work hard on both parts to ignore those feelings.
If I would have just told him to go away and leave us in peace he would have done so, and life would be so much easier.
depending on the feelings and length of the relationship, I am not sure the feelings ever go away completely.. I am never going to hate om and he is never going to hate me, we are friends.
But we have to make sure we dont cross those lines again and that is a very hard thing to do.

I believe that alot of these principles work and the reading is great. Your husband must love you alot to read and work so hard to make your marriage work.

Be grateful you are not having to deal with om and his wife and able to make your marriage whole again. I would welcome that chance in my life.
They are not a problem and they are wonderful to daughter, but it keeps om and I together and I am now beggining to see that as a problem for us.

<small>[ August 09, 2002, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Dear NPLH,

First and foremost, I want to welcome you to the MB Pregnancy/Child board. This is a wonderful place to bounce ideas, cry on shoulders, scream, rant, rave, get support, advice, and just about anything else you can think of! You are in the right spot, and I would encourage your H to post here as well!

Well, I too am raising an OC w/my H and xOM/MM is not involved at all, although, he also never knew of the P in the first place, due to his threats to our family. We never mentioned the P to him, and he never asked. Of course, after D-day, we didn't talk to him at all, as that's the day he threatened my H's life! I am very grateful that he is long gone, and far from my family, and that he will probably never know about the child that he was the "sperm donor" for!

Everyone's story is different, as you can see from yours to Mo5's and mine. There are also a couple other WS's here who are the W with the OC who's story's are the same, but different. Those are wantitback and CMiranda. There is also one particular xOW who's advice, and help is wonderful, and she's been here longer than me, and that's who I, and some others, like to refer to as OB1(Ohbratti1). Although she is not married, she has used the MB principles in dealing w/xMM and xMM's W, and in her own relationship(s)! There are also a few H's in your H's situation, including mine, who read and post here. That's why I mentioned having your H post here as well, if he is comfortable.

That's it for my little "Welcome", now I want to address your small fog issue. I realize the pain of breaking up a relationship, but you have chosen to stay in your M, as the xOM has done. You need to "stick to your guns" and keep listening for your fog horn(your H) and soon the xOM/MM fog will be burnt off, and you will see your H clearly, with the new, stronger love. It does take a while, but if you are serious about wanting to rebuild a stronger M, that's what you need to do. As Mo5 said, it will be easier for you, and you won't have that possible "temptation" of seeing xOM every time he comes to see the baby! You and your H decided to raise this little boy as yours TOGETHER. You have chosen to let xOM move on with his life. If he's chosen to do so, w/o even acknowledging the child that he "contributed" to, then let him. If you can do that, and put xOM where he belongs in your life(in my situation, that is as sperm donor, and nothing more!), then your M will become just that much stronger.

If you would like more of my story, I would be happy to email or IM(aol) with you. I am more than willing to share my situation, but it is a very long story, with many different twists and turns, and is scattered all over the archives here, that it would be easier to just do it all at once in and email.

Well, if I haven't scared you away with my rambling, I, again, welcome you here, and look forward to reading more of your posts!

Tigger

Noplace you are a very lucky woman to have such an understading and forgiving husband. Do not ruin this! Be very happy that OM is long gone and not interested in the child.
My WS is pregnant with OM's child. She has recently come out of the fog is fighting hard to get me back. I am teetering now and not sure I want to go. OM knows of the kid and my entire family also knows she is pregnant with OM's kid and naturally everyone thinks I am nuts to even consider reconciliation. I am lucky to have the support of my brother in the choice to stay with WS. Right now I really don't know what to do. You are a lucky lady! Make a happy marriage and someday give your man a child of his own as well.

NPLH,

First and foremost, I'd like to welcome you. Its unfortunate that we have another member, yet this is a wonderful place where you will be supported and understood.
I can't tell you that you made the right decision. You must search your heart to find your own answer.
I completely identify with the agaony of deciding what to do. I am still in agony over second guessing and worrying. I'm struggling myself with having OM child and raising him with my H. My H does not know that child is not biologically his. We do not have anyother children together. OM does know, however, I did not give either men a choice in fatherhood. I know that was not the right decision and I'm living with it on a daily basis. I broke OM heart when I told him I chose H. He is now aware that I'm considering telling H the truth. I think that you are 3 steps ahead of me and moving in the right direction.
Please keep posting. You will find that answers come in time. In your time.

Wow - I've been digesting all of your replies over weekend and I must say I feel as though 2 crutches have been thrust under each of my arms!! The feeling of support is incredible. Thank you -each of you - for taking the time to reply and share your individual stories with me.

MOF - I been struggling with jealousy because you "get" to still have your xOM in your life. But before you kick me in the butt, (just teasing), it is sinking in that this is the better way - for me (and mine). I don't think I could resist temptation, as you are doing. So its really a blessing that things are the way they are. I understand that children need stability and were my lover back in my life, it would turn everything (and everyone) upside-down. I liked what you said about, "if he just would have stayed the coward he was in the beginning..."

Tigger - thank you for your description of "sperm donor." I have used that phrase a couple times already when talking with my husband (rather than calling my lover the expletive we were previously using) and its bringing healing to me.

Tofu - all I can say is that my family knew about me being pregant with my lover's baby and no one thought less of my husband for choosing to stay with me and raise the child as his own. Infact, my husband told me that at a family gathering my mom whispered into his ear that she's always liked him but now she thinks he's a saint. That made him feel good - and I try more than ever to show him the adoration he so deserves. I think I'm the type of woman that needs a "knight in shining armour" and my husband definately fits that bill now (after all I've put him through).

CM - by the sound of it, it seems that my lover had the same kind of reaction as yours did when I told him my decision to stay with my husband. Part of why I think I second guess my decision so much is because of the pain I know I caused him. But I know the pain I would have caused my husband if I left him would have been greater (I think). Not real sure of much these days, but like you said, I think in time, all will be revealed.

And last but not least, EJ's Mom - thank you for the fog alert. I will go back and read the section on infidelity. I will need those alerts from time to time and its good to know you will yank me down to reality when the need arises.

Have to switch to mommy-mode right now but will be back when I get a minute to myself.

Thanks, again, everyone. I look forward to further discussions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> MOF - I been struggling with jealousy because you "get" to still have your xOM in your life. But before you kick me in the butt, (just teasing), it is sinking in that this is the better way - for me (and mine). I don't think I could resist temptation, as you are doing. So its really a blessing that things are the way they are. I understand that children need stability and were my lover back in my life, it would turn everything (and everyone) upside-down. I liked what you said about, "if he just would have stayed the coward he was in the beginning..."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">funny you should say that, I have found my self having a little envy for all the ones who have no contact, seems it would be a really easy way out and ever so often I want an easy way out.

I think OM and I have found this is one of the hardest things we have ever done and he and I find it very hard to keep things as they should be and at times it has caused a great deal of stress and some resentment on my part because he doesnt always respect the boundries he and I made. I still think my daughter is going to have a great life and he is a treasure to her, But wow it is hard at times . I see the pain tina 71 has endured and and I know the pain I endured and my husband , Life is just not so simple that every answer is right for every person.

It was funny, reading my own post to you.

I swear, I am suffering from "grass is greener" syndrome myself. I have times where, if the right man came along and said and did the right things, there is no doubt in my mind I would have an A. Which is really scary.

So, fog alert is not the same as judgement--and I'll do it for you if you do it for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> !

EJ