If you are willing.. I'm very interested (now that I'm ready to face it, if ready is the right word) in hearing about how your WS revealed the A and the child.
Some of you have been very forthcoming, even those who have, in the past, been less than kind toward me. I feel that we are making a great deal of progress, particularily since the last Cmiranda thread. I want to thank each and every poster for taking the time to share with me on that thread. It was a thread that changed me. I have not been ignoring it. Quite the opposite. I've been contemplating and thinking it over. And over.
I'm ready to hear what I have so not wanted to face. Can anyone tell me:
1. How did your spouse reveal their truth? What words did they use? Where were you? How long after the A ended did the revelation take place? How did this variable affect how you dealt with it and felt about it?
2. What did you think? What did you say? What did you feel? What did you do immediately after?
3. Who did you tell?
4. How did you change?
5. Do you regret knowing?
6. If you could change anything about how you were told, what would it be?
7. How do you feel now? Are you happy?
8. Do you care about the child? Do you know the child?
9. If you have no contact, honestly, why(presuming you are), are you happy about that? Is it about the child or the OW?

CM

<small>[ August 09, 2002, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

CM,

I'm proabably one of the one's you are referring to here:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some of you have been very forthcoming, even those who have, in the past, been less than kind toward me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But I'm am so tickeled you are seriously considering radical honesty with your BS. So I hope you will read my post on your thread and it will give you some understanding what I went through.

1. How did your spouse reveal their truth?He waited until the morning after my birthday party. I was hung over and feeling miserable. His timing was aweful, but the day before he intercepted an email from OW telling it all and he knew it was a matter of time before she contacted me. He was pushed in a corner.

What words did they use?He blurted it out and just sat there waiting for a reaction. Of course I began sobbing incontrolably. He then started to cry himself. Apologizing. Then I got angry and began cussing him and saying aweful things about him and her. I remember saying over and over, "I hope her pu$$y shot sparks when you fuqued her. I hope it was worth it." I think about it now and laugh. Thank god I can laugh now.

Where were you?Sitting on my bed. He woke me up. I had hangover breath and felt like [censored].

How long after the A ended did the revelation take place? Unbeknownst to me they had fuqued just two weeks before d-day. Initally when he revealed the affair to me he said it was over a month.

How did this variable affect how you dealt with it and felt about it? It would have been nice to have heard the affair ended right after the discovery of the pregnancy. The fact that they slept together while she was pregnant was heartbreaking. Then to know they continued after the birth risking pregnancy AGAIN! And while she was lactating. That hurt pretty bad. I considered being pregnant a divine time and to share your body with another during that time is a true gift. To receive a body during that time should feel like an honor. The thought of them together while she was pregnant is and was horrifying.

2. What did you think?I thought, my God not again. My marriage is over. I hate this man. How could he risk my health. What if I got AIDS and died, then he would have killed his children's parents. What kind of father is he? How could he do this to his kids and break up their happy home. He never really loved me. Later when he left all I could think about was the wonderful times we had together over the 1.5 year affair and that they were all a fraud.

What did you say? Like I said before. I cried first, then yelled. He left for work while I was still angry and crying.

What did you feel? utter dispair. like my life was over. like I had been stabbed in the gut.

What did you do immediately after?Called my best friend. Her first question when she walked in the door. "Do you love your husband?" I answered, "yes" and she said, "then we are going to fight for your marriage."

3. Who did you tell? I told my best friend, my mother and sister. He told his mother and father. I reget telling my family so soon. I should have dealt with it for a while first so they didn't see my dispair. It put a bad taste in their mouths about my H. When we began recovery they didn't treat him very well. I should have been able to say, to them: this is what happened and we are past it and working on our marriage.

4. How did you change?I learned two major things. One: How to look at myself and see what I do (and did) that was detrimental to my relationship. Two: How to be a better wife by fulfilling my H's needs.

5. Do you regret knowing? Hell no. Because now I have a chance at a great marriage. We were headed for diaster with our without the affair. We weren't loving one another and had begun the drift apart that neither of us was willing to mend.

6. If you could change anything about how you were told, what would it be? That he would have told me right after the pregnancy was discovered. And if not then I would have preferred he took me away from our home, somewhere secluded and definately not after a hangover!

7. How do you feel now?Overjoyed. I have a new and improved husband and marriage.

Are you happy?Happier than the day I got married!

8. Do you care about the child?Honestly, I felt like I do with any other stranger's child. I didn't hate her, but I didn't love her either.

Do you know the child?Yes I did. We had visitation for a while.

9. If you have no contact, honestly, why(presuming you are), are you happy about that? Is it about the child or the OW? Both ... it was about not having to deal with the OW's bull [censored], but also just looking at that little girl could bring back a flood of thoughts. Talk about a trigger.

But with regards to your situation. You H has grown to love that child as his own.... I don't see him getting the same triggers like a BS who is a woman having to "get to know" a child that was thrown on her. Love for a child under those conditions doesn't come overnight.

CM, I hope some of what I said is helpful in your discovery and decision making. Regardless of any sparring we have done in the past ... I do wish all women on this board peace and a recovered marriage. You've grown so much from your first appearance on the forum. I can't wait to know you a year into your recoverd marriage (after d-day!).

Best of luck,
Z.

I am willing CM, they say it is very theraupetic to tell your story.

The affair was not officially over when I heard the news. She had been with him for several months. I had been alone for awhile and was getting quite used to living alone. I had found some moments of joy in my loneliness. She had spent two weeks with me ( I had given her a deadline for her return before I filed, this was before I found MB so she decided to give me two weeks to see if I was worth returning to) and decided to return home. She returned to OM's to get her stuff. She started feeling ill and decided to wait an extra day to make the drive. In the morning she felt really sick, went to a clinic and discovered the pregnancy. Without packing any of her belongings, she got in her car and drove home (20 hours!!!). I was sitting on the couch eating a sandwich around five o'clock when the door opened and there she was. She looked very tired. My first reaction was joy then fear. I was scared of knowing that now I would have to open my heart again to this woman that had hurt me so much. If I only knew what else I was soon to learn about.
Please return next week for the rest of the story.
Just kidding anyways we sat on the couch and hugged. She hugged me harder than I have ever been hugged then she started crying. I didn't know what to think. At first I thought maybe it is relief that she was able to return to her husband. Soon she started talking after she regained control but it was very hard for her. She cried and cried. I was very patient. She had told me about a walk she had taken with OM on a day I had called her. Our conversation had cut into the time for their walk and OM was pissed off. He had argued with her about the fact that she still talked to me since she had been living with him. Well she started talking about that walk. And she then told me what happened after the argument. She said, "we did it." She then said (after a lot of crying) and I am pregnant. As she was crying I was thinking please don't tell me you are pregnant, please don't tell me you are pregnant but at the same time I was thinking OM doesn't know and she is here with me. I love her and I have always wanted a child with her. As soon as she said, I am pregnant. She lost it and went on another burst of uncontrollable crying. I held her tight and said "it is okay honey, I love you, I am so excited, I am going to be a daddy." Later on in the night I started having second thoughts about having to lie to my family. I know I could love the child, but I would have a hard time lying about it. She started to feel insecure about it. OM called in the morning and the first thing he said on the phone was you are pregnant. She started crying and he unfortunately learned the truth. She went to OM's again then back to me then to her parents in the two weeks following discovery. I went into plan B and just two days ago she called seemingly out of the fog. I am flying to her tomorrow morning. My entire family is freakin! They all know everything and they think I am nuts to go back to this woman. My brother is being very supportive. I love her. If I don't try it, I will never know. The baby is due in January. I love that kid and want to raise it. I want to be with my wife. I will learn to forgive, I hope. I just hope my parents can forgive at some point. I am a little nervous and can't sleep so I decided to write. I can write more when I return home with my wife. Wish me luck everyone.

Good luck Tofu
I pray your trip is a great one. and You do what you need to do to save your marriage if thats what you want. Family comes second to your marriage. IT can be done.

Cm
will write tomorrow... very long bad day, I sent you an email.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CMiranda:
<strong>
1. How did your spouse reveal their truth? What words did they use? Where were you? How long after the A ended did the revelation take place? How did this variable affect how you dealt with it and felt about it?
2. What did you think? What did you say? What did you feel? What did you do immediately after?
3. Who did you tell?
4. How did you change?
5. Do you regret knowing?
6. If you could change anything about how you were told, what would it be?
7. How do you feel now? Are you happy?
8. Do you care about the child? Do you know the child?
9. If you have no contact, honestly, why(presuming you are), are you happy about that? Is it about the child or the OW? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whoa, Cmiranda....you da woman.

You're about to embark on a scary endeavor, but to me, you have a spirit and inner strength that is going to keep your soul protected come what may. I like the way you have evolved and certainly respect your tenacity to stay somewhere where you have been met with some strong stuff/opinions and no one can say you don't have guts. If some of the things that have been said here in the past seem to have been unkind, I know for a fact that none of it was meant to be unkind...only said to help your awakening...really. I am impressed with you and very excited for you, in spite of the certainty of some of the difficulties you will face, but I KNOW you AND your husband are going to come out of the other side of this OK. How can he not help but love someone like you who is so remarkable and has such intensity and depth? I am sure he will come to understand the dynamics behind all this in time. We are all behind you 500%, Cmiranda...you truly are "da woman"!

1. The affair-fling only lasted three weekends. We were in our living room and Bipolar came over to ask if he could come home. He was broken and looked so upset and sad. We sat on the sofa and talked for a long time. He told me he had sex with someone else and regretted it beyond anything I could imagine. I sobbed and cried, he cried and held me, asking me for forgiveness. I loved him so much and we had been through so much, I told him to come home and we would try to find our way back. That week he was extremely protective of his cell phone and acted very peculiar, and I couldn't figure out why he was behaving that way. I asked him finally, as a joke, "What the hell is wrong with you? Is she pregnant or something?" He whirled on me and screamed "Yeah, she's pregnant! Happy?" I actually fell back about three or four feet into a chair and started screaming. He rushed over and said it wasn't true, he was just stressed and upset. I didn't beleive him and the next day when he went to the gym, I called our attorney who he had just had lunch with and talked to his assistant. I said "Hi, Patty...how are you?" she said, "Catnip! How are YOU?" I said, "Not so good, Bipolar told me everything and I don't know what we are going to do." She said, "Maybe she is lying, maybe it isn't his". Bingo.

My heart began this awful exaggeerated thump in my chest and the room seemed to narrow and somewhere deep inside me I managed to control my breathing and my voice so as not to seem alarmed and give myself away. I continued to get more information. Patty volunteered, "Jake (the attorney friend-her associate) thinks this woman set Bipolar up and is looking for a meal ticket." She went on with more information and finally I couldn't stand to hear anymore and knew if I didn't hang up, I would start sobbing uncontrollably.

Bipolar called me from his cell phone not two minutes later, geeling pretty good and said, "Hey Sweet Baby...how about I take you to breakfast."

I told him that I knew the truth and he was extremely alarmed and told me to stay put he would be right home. It took him two minutes it seemed to drive ten miles. And it is weird but I remember very little of the next couple hours because they were so horrible to me, I blocked them out. The weird thing about D-Day #1 (affair) and D-Day #2 (impending OC) was that they were both a week apart and the reaction to both of these D-Days after the crying and remorse and shock was frenzied frequent sex, like three or four times within a 24 hour period. I don't know if he was trying to purge her from him or desperate to re-connect or both, but all I remember is that we spent a lot of time in bed.

I was numb. I felt like everything I ever knew was a lie and that if this could happen to us of all people, the world was a lie. I was so completely devastated and annihilated it took me a year and a half just to feel partially normal again...in fact, for me, obviously, it's only been the last six months I feel that I have recovered at all and it will be four years in October. I have taken this so suprememly hard that I might be one of those hard cases, perhaps because of vanity, that just cannot accept this of someone who is so beloved of me.

I told my Mom. I didn't want to but I had purchased a plane ticket and hd to leave jsut a couple days after D-Day #2 and I was so distraught and so completely destriyed, I couldn't help it. I was standing on the balcony at 4 AM looking at the ocean and sobbing when she came up behind me and asked me what was wrong and I just spilled. Timing is everything and I don't think I would have told her had she not surprised me at that moment. I have always regretted telling her because she is susceptible to strokes and I worry aobut her so much. But, too, she is my best friend, we are very close and I love her so much, and she has been incredible and loving of everything.

I told my best friend, who has a big mouth, who told a bunch of people..that I don't really know or care about so that isn't so bad. I knew my friend, as wonderful as she is, couldn't not say anything about gossip THIS juicy.

The changes in me are so profound I can hardly recognize myself. I am completely in awe of my strength. I simply didn't know I had it in me. In fact, I am bowled over by it. The downside is my attitude. I used to be so completely giving, sweet, loving and empathetic and while these things are still there, they are certianly jaded. I found I can be the worst and meanest bytch on the planet but I know that is my armor. I also know I have the capacity for unbelievable forgiveness. My faith in God is as strong as it has always been but He scares and upsets me...I wonder why he has forsaken me while knowing that my tragedy is less than people who experienced monumental disater and losses, like the twin towers, the aircraft that careened into the pentagon and the thousands of lives that were lost and changed forever and become ashamed of my mewling. I watch the news seeing these lovely children abducted and killed by perverts and my heart aches for the families and for these little lives...yet, when I am finished grieving for them, I continue to grieve for myself, ashamed I feel this way.

I vascillate between profound resentment and being indignant and hiding it with Bipolar, acting the sweet and as sexy as I can be me, understanding, forgiving etc. healing didn't really begin for us until I took Bipolar's face in my hands, looked deep into his eyes and told him, "I forgive you", and meant it. After that point, he started to ehal. he needed to ehar that from me, even though I didn't mean it fully at the time. I was going with the "Act as if..." prescription for recovery.

I do not regret knowing, I only regret that this happened and that he was capable of doing this, regrdless of any excuse and his are about the best I have ever heard. But it doesn't change things...just makes it easier for me to accept.

How I was told was horrible, I think. He whirled on me with hostility, damaging me more, causing me to resent deeper. Had he taken me in his arms to begin with and just held me, loved me and gently told me and then allowed me to rage for a time to get it out, our healing would have happened a long time ago...two years instead of nearly four.

I am constantly "unsure" about everything now...nothing is written in stone for me anymore. Sometimes I am blissfuilly happy and sometimes we are so incredibly in love and deeply committed and this is more the norm than the negative. However, when the bad stuff happens now, I seem to immediately question the authenticity of his heart and the truth. I look at him still to this day and wonder how the hell he could do this to me, to us and destroy, completely destroy everything. When I met Bipolar, aw, you should have been there...it was amazing. I beleived he was my gift from God to make up for all the heartache I had experienced in my life, all my life. I KNEW he was my reward for not becoming cynical and jaded by life and maintaining my faith. Imagine my disappointment. Well, all bets are off now. Now I am a cynical, realistic curmudgeon while still having the ability to maintain some of my assets...believe it or not, I can be very sweet and loving, but I choose the recipients of my goodness wisely now. I don't cast pearls before swine anymore.

I care about the child. I saw the OW pregnant and I went to huge lengths to prevent my husband from seeing her for the "sympathy" factor. I was the one who orchestrated his being in treatment during the original court hearings so he wouldn't see her. I didn't want him to see her all big and pregnant with his child for fear of him being pulled to her or it. I became extremely territorial like a man, which makes our attorney crack up because he says I am very feminine so its kind of a weird paradox. Bipolar wasn't at the second court hearing either, so I flew to NY again on his behalf with a power of attorney and OW brought the OC to court in its buggy. I caught a glimpse of OC and my heart melted through my stinging tears. She was absolutely beautiful and it killed me. I felt so bad she would be spending her entire life never knowing her dad but I looked at the OW as the most manipulative evil force in the universe for bringing this child into the world through such despicable means, interloping into my life and orchestrating a way to take what was rightfully mine, that I just looked at it as her fault, her responsibility and her obligation. After all, I had plead, begged and gutted myself to this woman after their first weekend together, begging her not to see my husband and explaining his illness and the problems, declaring my love, commitment and desperation, and she just didn't care. She had her obvious agenda and her attitude, demeanor, selfishness and knowledge of everything took away any and all obligation to her and the OC as far as I was concerned. I was angry, enraged in fact...and still am. But, I do have a tenderness for this child because it is part of Bipolar, even though I can hardly stand to acknowledge it.

I am delighted wiht no contact because our adult children do not know about this and it would completely devatate them , embarrass both of us and change the way they see their Dad. We both feel this is our business and a private matter and none of their business. They may find out someday by accident, but it might be years from now when it won't matter so much. For me, it is about both of them, neither of them and all about saving what we had/have and moving forward and reclaiming what is mine. I know much of it is my inability to conceive or carry or deliver a child that belongs to both Bipolar and me. Its' also about jealousy since we have no children together and it has always been a deep sadness to me that has been profoundly exaggerated to the point of grostesque since the OW/OC situation came to be. A gross hilarious joke on me.

Whew...what a purging. Thanks, Cmiranda for your questions...you asked all the right ones. I don't know if anything I said would help you since our situations are entirely different even from your husband's perspective, but I appreciate the opportunity to let go of some of this stuff I've been harboring for so long. Whoa, this is really, really long. Sorry about that...hahaha

Catnip =^^=

CM,
This is hard for me because I have known only a short while about my H affair. However, if this will stop anyone who is thinking about having an A and poss OC I will do what ever it takes so no one will have to go through what I have gone through. My H ended his A before OW found out she was pregnant. My H did'nt feel that he needed to tell me. When he found out about possible OC he didn't know how to tell me because he knew how it would kill me. In late march I recieved a anon.letter stating that he had gotten a girl pregnant at work. He was here when I opened the letter. I read the letter and turned around to him and gave it to him. He read it,looked at me and said it is true. I was lost,I was devistated. I started yelling,screaming,crying, and hitting him. Luckly my children were not home. I left and came home later. He told me who it was and the details. It lasted 3 months. I packed his stuff and through him out of our home. After a couple of days he came home. I told him that I wanted him here until I decided what I am going to do. Because he did not protect him self, we had to go through STD and AIDS testing. Have you ever been through this? It is embarrassing and very uncomfortable. It tooks 3 weeks for the results to come back. Just think, for 3 weeks I thought there was a chance that that I was dying because my H had a A with a women that he barly new and has a bad past with all kinds of men. So far, Thank GOD everything is negative. A couple of weeks went by and I made him take me to her house. I talked to her and asked her questions, he didn't say to much.We got a letter from her attorney saying that she wanted money. We wrote the attorney back and said no not until paternity is determined. We didn't here anything back and still haven't. I still have not slept 1 full night ( 8 hours straight) since dday. I wake up and that is my 1st thought, I think about this all day. I go to sleep thinking about it and dream about it all the time. My H had no idea what this would do to me and sometimes still doesn't. I am broken inside and a different person because of his A. I am not carring as I use to be. I question every move he makes. I get mad at the lest little thing. For the possible OC. I say possible because there is a chance that he is not the father. In the beginning we wanted contact. Now we don't know. Why? Well we don't want this women in our lives for ever. My H says it was stupid and he doesn't want anything to do with her ever. We are going to let God help us with contact decision. Do I regret knowing. Yes and No. Yes because the A was over and my H had turned his life around with the help of God. No because living lies only brings more lies. As for the OW. She is young and stupid. She thought she had a chance with my H. She saw a man that had a stormy marriage, he is handsome,kind,and stable and a ggod job. So she thought she would lash on to him. NOT I blame her only for part of this. I blame her becuase of the letter she sent me. Why did she want to hurt me. What did I do to her? She is the one that slept with my H. I blame my H most of all. He is the one that said the vows and broke them. Now he lives with a women that doesn't look at him with love in her eyes like I use to. Our sex life stinks and I don't trust him. Was it worth it I ask him,no he says nothing is worth lossing me. Time is approaching regarding the possible OC. I don't know what I will do when we find out for sure. I am scared and confused. My life as I knew it is gone forever. My life with or without my H,OW,and OC is gone. I will never be the same person I was. I have only told my best friend about this. How do you tell family? I didn't and won't. His family knows, and OW has told everyone that she can that he is the father. His daughter knows because OW told my H best friend and his daughter his her friend. She found out the day that her grandmother died. Nice isn't it. Anyway, to wrap this up. To anyone that is having an A. Stop, tell your spouse what your needs are, try and fix whats broken. If not, life is to short, leave, divorce whatever. Only don't break your spouse like my H did. I could have gotten over a divorce but this will be part of me forever.

I don't know if I helped you or not. Maybe if someone else is reading this and is only thinking about having an A, they will think twice.

God Bless
DBH

Hope my story helps.... here goes.

1. How did your spouse reveal their truth? He didn't. When H was out of town, I received call from woman telling me that she and H had an affair and she was pregnant with his child. Somehow I was very calm on the phone and said that we would need a paternity test first before we discussed anything further. The call only lasted 5 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity.

When my H came home, I told him about the call, hoping he would say it wasn't true. He said it was true, said it was the biggest mistake of his life and offered to leave. I couldn't imagine trying to get through the night without him to hold me and dry my tears. My initial reaction was to hold on to him -- not push him away.

How long after the A ended did the revelation take place? Affair lasted from Aug. thru Oct. when H broke it off because of his guilt and OW started to want more of a relationship. OW told H about pregnancy in Nov. She called me in Feb.

How did this variable affect how you dealt with it and felt about it? It helped that it was all in the past and that H had ended relationship and regretted it completely. For what it's worth, it helped to know that at least for my H, it was just sex -- he was never emotionally involved with OW.

2. What did you think? Everything changed in the blink of an eye. The only thing that comes close to the devastation I felt, was the day my Dad died. On that day, the sun continued to shine, life went on, but it was changed forever, beause he was gone. When I got that call from OW, my reality changed. What I "knew" to be true, suddenly wasn't.

What did you say? What did you feel? What did you do immediately after? I cried and cried and cried. And H cried and cried and cried. And we held on to each other. And he promised to find a way to make it up to me if I gave him the chance. We finally went to bed, exhausted from all the emotions. The next day, I got up and went to work as usual. Or at least I tried to. The best thing I did was to all the EAP at work. I cried when I told counselor what the problem was, but she was very understanding. She referred me to a therapist near home who specializes in marital problems such as this (who knew this was a specialty??) and said this was someone she would recommend to her own family and would see herslf if needed. I called therapist and cried again telling her the problem. She gave me an appointment that same day. I am so glad that I got professional help immediately. The therapist was so kind, understanding and compasionate! My H and I both credit her for helping to save our marriage. We had our first joint appointment 4 days later.

3. Who did you tell? I told my sister, who was very open minded and supportive of both of us. I also told my best friend, who was married to one of my brothers. My friend told my brother. My sister told my other brother. Both brothers were very hostile to my H for quite some time. I did not tell my mother. My Dad had died just a few months before and I thought she had enough to deal with. Also, I worried that it would change the way she viewed my H and it would cause more problems. I guess I wanted to protect her and not have to deal with her feelings while I was sorting through my own. I don't regret not telling her.

4. How did you change? I grew up and realized that life does not always turn out the way we plan. I learned that my H is human and that we all make mistakes -- some with more dire consequences than others. It took me a LONG time to trust my H again. It was difficult to have him out of my sight and not worry about where he was. With the help of our therapist, we learned to work through these issues.

5. Do you regret knowing? No, not at all. We have a stronger marriage as a result. It was difficult, but worth the pain. My H says it was like dropping napalm to kill crabgrass. We got into therapy to work on issues we had in our marriage, but we both wish it didn't take this crisis to get us there.

6. If you could change anything about how you were told, what would it be? I wish my H told me himself! I can't tell you how hard it was to get that phone call on a Sunday night out of the blue.

7. How do you feel now? Are you happy? It's been over 5 years since I got that phone call. I think I'm a stronger person having come through all of this. Yes, I am happy -- we both are. And our marriage is better, more honest than it was before.

8. Do you care about the child? Do you know the child? No and no. I told my H he had to choose: me or the child; he couldn't have both of us. And it's not because I don't like kids. And I realize hat the OC is an innocent victim. But there's a limit to what I can handle and I know my limits. My H never waivered in his decision: he picked me immediately, with no reservations and no regrets.

9. If you have no contact, honestly, why(presuming you are), are you happy about that?

Is it about the child or the OW? It's all about the OW. If you know a couple with children who divorces, you know that they probably talk more after the divorce than before -- all in coordinating schedules and visitation, etc, etc, etc. It never ends. I know myself. I could not handle my H having that kind of ongoing interaction with the OW. Initially, OW tried to use OC as a way to forge a relationship with my H (I believe that's why she got pregnant in the first place. I do not believe it was an accident.) With our therapist, we worked out what degree of contact we were comfortable with and that our marriage took priority over any relationship my H would have with OC. With me present, my H called OW and told her not to call our home -- she would ned to go through attorney for all contact. Anything she mailed to our home was sent back to her unopened.

Eventually, she got the hint and stopped trying to forge relationship with my H. She would call him at work, but only for business reasons (i.e., she needed a statement for child services, etc.). Just this week, we learned that OW has remarried, moved across the country and the OW's new H is interested in adopting OC. She called my H to give him new address. He wished her well and told her he would not stand in the way of them becoming a true family if that's what they want. Until then, we'll send the CS check every month and that's all.

This "no contact" may not work for everyone -- especially if there are already children in the family -- but it worked for us. And it apparently helped OW to move on with her life as well.

I hope this helps in some small way. I just want to add that "time heals all wounds." When my father died I thought the pain would never end, but we got through the first day, first week, month and then the first year. Gradually, the pain faded and a new reality was accepted. It's the same with the affair. At first you can't imagine getting through the day, but you do. You feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster for weeks on end, crying and hugging one minute -- screaming and yelling the next. But before you know it, you're not thinking about it every day. And then a week goes by when you don't think about it. After time, you work out your new reality. The pain subsides. And life goes on.

CM,
Congratulations on making this next step!

I know it can’t be easy to make this decision… as I know it wasn’t easy to find out the way I did.

1. How did your spouse reveal their truth? What words did they use? Where were you? How long after the A ended did the revelation take place? How did this variable affect how you dealt with it and felt about it?
Honestly, He didn’t tell me. I learned from a phone call by a man that wanted me to leave my H and run to him. He was/is also married. He had been holding out hope that the news of OW/pg would make me leave H and give him a possible chance with me.
Needless to say this was not the way that I would have liked to find out the truth.
BUT, my H did break some sort of news 2 ½ months prior to the “real” d-day.
He told me, the weekend after my b-day that he wanted to separate. He said he was going to work on some “personal issues” and didn’t want to put me “through that agony.” He said it should take about 6 months… Unbeknownst to me, a baby was due in 6 months.
I was sure that there was someone else, and I asked if there was. He lied. He said that there was no one else and that he loved me, he just needed to clear up some things in his life and didn’t want to put more of a burden on me.
We had been married for 7 yrs and he just now wanted to deal with personal issues??? I knew there was someone else. I only wanted the truth, and all I got were lies.
The affair was still not over when I found out. It actually ended about 3 wks after my d-day. She even stayed with him at our old apartment after I moved out.
It affected me in a rather strong way. I found out later that he had gone to the trouble of introducing her to one of my best friends in his family and she was livid that he brought her to meet her. She and her H, his cousin, told me that OW was no longer welcome in their home. She said that OW was only looking for someone to be a father for her children, the boy that was beaten and the coming baby. They told my H that he was making the biggest mistake of his life if he didn’t straighten things out with me.
Knowing that he wanted to “pull her into his life” to replace me made it much harder.

2. What did you think? What did you say? What did you feel? What did you do immediately after?
When I was told about the OW and her pregnancy, I was angry. What I thought was how could he tell me that he loved me and still lie to me?
What I said was that I hated him. I wanted nothing to do with him. I wanted to never see him again.
All this was the initial anger. What I felt was abandonment. I felt that my entire marriage had been a lie. That everything we had ever done was false.
Immediately after the call, I called H. I wanted the truth. I told him I had received a call that told me everything. He broke down and admitted everything. I asked him what he would do if I were pregnant. He said, but you aren’t. He said, but if you were, I would stay with you.
That was when I told him I wanted a divorce. I then called an attorney the next day. I got all the information I could do go through with it. But I never did. I became very sick following d-day. I began miscarrying the child that I was carrying. Until d-day I had no idea that I was even pregnant. I waited until the miscarriage was complete before I informed H that I had lost another baby. It was then that he began coming out of the fog.

3. Who did you tell?
I called my best friend in TX. I told her everything. I then told other friends. Then I told my family. My family and friends were very supportive. They told me that they would stand by any decision I made regarding this whole situation.

4. How did you change?
I changed in a way that I never expected. I went from a woman that was afraid to be alone, to a woman that KNEW she could do anything that she wanted to do… ALONE if need be.
I am no longer afraid of life. I embrace it. I have been sheltered much of my life and feel that I was not as prepared for a disaster as this to affect me.
Now, I am surprised at how strong I have become. I am able to look at Lil Bit and not automatically see the A, I am able to place her needs above my own.
I am not saying that it’s easy. I am just saying that I am able to separate the pain.

5. Do you regret knowing?
No. I regret the fact that H felt that we had to separate for him to work through it. I wish he had been honest with me when I first began suspecting something. Had he been honest and told me that he was contemplating an affair, we may have been able to avoid some of the pain.
After d-day and the miscarriage… I told him that I would gladly step out of his way, so that he could have the “family thing” that he has always wanted. He told me that he didn’t want the “family thing” with OW... he wanted children and a family with me. He said he had been stupid to do what he had… but it was only now… that he understood what I meant to him.

6. If you could change anything about how you were told, what would it be?
That H had been the one to tell me. I would much rather have heard it from him than the way I found out.

7. How do you feel now? Are you happy?
Still very sad, that my right to bear my husband’s child and to raise her with him has been stolen.
Yes, I get to be a part of her raising, but the fact still remains she is not mine and I have no legal right to her, whatsoever.
Had the shoe been on the other foot, and the child had been an OM’s and mine? Then my H would have had a legal right to her because she would have been born within the marriage and therefore had his name.

But most of all, I am happy. Happy to have my H say that he loves me, and only me. That he has found his “soulmate” and the one person that he wants to raise children with and grow old with. For him to tell me that I am that person.
I love my husband very much and I want to be with him. I want to work through all this mess and rebuild our marriage.

8. Do you care about the child? Do you know the child?
LOL… If this were a direct question to me… and not to all the BS’s here… this would be a silly question.
YES… I care deeply about Lil Bit. She is very important to me. She is a child like the child I have always wanted. Only one drawback… She is not my child.
She may not be my biological child… but she is my baby girl… and I am her Mommy.

9. If you have no contact, honestly, why(presuming you are), are you happy about that? Is it about the child or the OW?
If I could have convinced H not to have contact… I would have.
I would have rather have had no contact at all.
Why? We thought you loved Lil Bit???
I do… I just know that had we had no contact, OW would have disappeared into the night. We would not have to deal with her at all. I know she would have given her up for adoption… and when she did that… WE would have been notified and we would have been given FULL custody… and I would have been able to adopt her. Quite a rare way of looking at Contact/No Contact… but I know that is what would have been BEST for Lil Bit… and me.

Prayers for you CM…

May the Lord lead you in the direction you need to be.
May He give you the right words to explain this to your Husband.

I hope this thread helps you.
It’s actually helped me…

Thank you everyone for your responses. I appreicate the supportative words more than I can say. I'm so happy to hear that healing and happiness are on the other side of the discovery in most cases.
I'm very sorry that you all had to endure such a painful experience and I thank you for sharing it with me. I hope it helped you as much as it did me.

ZB,
My heart sank when I read your reply. When I re-read it, I felt sick.. I have no idea how to answer questions that my H may ask where I will have to reveal such intimate questions about having sex with OM while I was pregnant and afterward. Did you ask for this information, or did OW tell you? I am getting very sick to my stomach thinking that I will have to explain things at that level of detail.

How many BS asked for the "intimate details"? (I pray not to have to discuss this part).

I have years and years to explain. A didn't end for quite some time after son was born and still wouldn't be over if I hadn't finally had enough self torture.
I'm beginning to entertain the idea of downplaying it somehow. I want to be honest but I do not want to be cruel.

I'm very shakey having read the replies here. My head is spining or I would add more, I am lost for words.

CM

CMiranda,

I am not the correct person to be giving you advice, but I wanted to offer some of my observations about this process. MOST BSs on this site ask very intimate questions, especially men. Often they post later that they could have done without some of the details, but most state as bad as the details were, their imaginations were even worse. I would suggest that you ask "Do you really want to hear this now, it is painful for me to tell you and it will be painful for you to hear?"

I wish I could offer you a happier picture.

If I recall correctly your affair lasted a long time, 6 years?? What that means is not only is he going to face that he did not father the child but a good fraction of your marriage was a lie. This will be devastating I am sure. But, I think you need to also look at it in a different light and this goes to how you tell your H. It would seem from your post that things are getting better, that you want to remain married to him, and that you have indeed ended the A. This implies that you have CHOSEN to be with your H. Now initially this may be of small consulation, but in the long run it can be BIG, if he decides to give this marriage a go.

A strong minus can with the right approach be used as something helpful in rebuilding.

I do hope that the advice you have received from everyone will help.

God Bless,

JL

1. How did your spouse reveal their truth? What words did they use? Where were you? How long after the A ended did the revelation take place? How did this variable affect how you dealt with it and felt about it?
2. What did you think? What did you say? What did you feel? What did you do immediately after?
3. Who did you tell?
4. How did you change?
5. Do you regret knowing?
6. If you could change anything about how you were told, what would it be?
7. How do you feel now? Are you happy?
8. Do you care about the child? Do you know the child?
9. If you have no contact, honestly, why(presuming you are), are you happy about that? Is it about the child or the OW?

1)My H finally revealed the A after he had done some major soul searching, and with the guidance from a therapist. It was a sunday morning after running errands, he asked if we could stop by his office so he could do a bit of work, not unusual. I asked if it would be ok to drop him off and pick him up in a bit to run to the store, he said, no come on up we could go afterwards. I went up and figured I would be doing some copying for him and asked if I should turn on the copier. He said to come into the board room, and he hugged me and said "Can I buy an hour of your time?" I knew immediately there was something coming. He asked if I wanted a pop, I was already in a panic. I figured his change of attitude in the prior months was due to the serious illness of his mother, and dealing with the sale of her home and placing her in a nursing home. But as soon as he uttered the words, can he buy an hour, I knew it had to do with his secretary. The first words out of my mouth we "is that child yours?" He went on to ramble about life, then admitting to an A, and after an hour into this horribly painful conversation, he told me that OW was pregnant again, and expecting in 3 months.

2) I was completely numb. I cried, I could hardly think straight. I first words out of my mouth as I said were " Is that child yours" then the next things I think probably was "what do you want to do" He told me he finally wanted to take responsibility for his actions. He had not been involved with the OC in the 3 years other than an occasional time OW brought OC into the office. He wanted to stay married.

Right after our conversation we went to the store, came home, and pretended nothing had happened. Our son was home and I didn't want him to know what was happening until I could sort out my feelings. We kept going for rides during the day to get me out of the house. I sobbed the entire day and night.

3) Who did I tell? Unfortunately the first one I told was my son the next morning. I wish I didn't, but he obviously knew there was a problem. Other than him, I told NO ONE. I could not face the fact that this could happen to our marriage. I refused to tell my parents or older brother, and to this day they still have no clue that there is any problem. We did not tell our daughter for another couple of months, as she was preparing to graduate from college. After about 3 months I finally broke down and told my best friend. Then I told my SIL who has been my biggest supporter.

4)I have changed from a easy going trusting person, to a person that is angry, bitter, sad, totally untrusting. A person that is contantly hiding the truth from loved ones, living a life that is a lie. A destroyed person who feels that I am unworthy of ever being loved by anyone again. Someone who instead of gaining strength from this experience, is in a panic of possibly being alone. I plead, bargain, grovel.

5) Yes I regret being told. I missed major life experience because of my depression, sons graduation, daughters engagement. Not being able to focus on my parents when they really needed support.

6)If it had to happen, doing it on a weekend morning was best to have time to digest.

7) Now I am totally devistated, after trying to work my butt off to recover, it was not fast enough for H and as of tomorrow he is leaving to sort out his feelings. Again timing is crappy. He is waiting till everyone is gone, son is leaving for college soon, and I will be completely alone to deal with the separation. I am terrified, again back to groveling, bargaining and pleading for one more chance. WHY?

8) Do I care about the OC, since March we had finally stated to have a consistant visitation schedule, so I was beginning to build a relationship with the older OC. There was not enough time to develope any love yet. Plus it is very difficult being thrown into accept 2 OC.

9) I wish that we never had to deal with OC and OW. But H wanted to have a relationship, so I tried, I owed it to my marriage of 27 years to try. H was never going to walk away from OC once he decided to confess to the A. If it had been a one night stand and a oops pregnancy it would have been easier to accept the situation. But as it stands now, H and OW can not give up their friendship, which proved deadly to our recovery as 2 months ago when things got tough here, he resumed his relationship again.

I wish you best of luck CM.

Tina

CMiranda,

My situation was a bit different, so I'm not going to bother answering the questions. What I will hammer on you is the following:

Please set up an appointment with Steve Harley (888-639-1639 for appointments). I would suggest Steve for this (not his sister Jenn, although I think very highly of her too). Steve will be able to help you in a couple appointments come up with a game plan to tell your husband.

Then (and most importantly), if you do this according to a prescribed time, Steve would be able to take a call from your husband after you deliver this information. If nothing else, it will help your husband to be able to talk to someone else who can understand his trauma. It will also help him to know that you're serious about wanting to work on the marriage, and you're primarily concerned with his well-being.

Finally, Steve is a great counselor to stick with for rebuilding your marriage, and learning these skills to put romantic love back into the marriage. And that's the best thing that the two of you can do for each other.

I'd highly recommend that you take this advice. And no, I don't get a commission...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

C Miranda
I have written most of this before but I will try to address your questions one by one
1. How did your spouse reveal their truth? What words did they use? Where were you? How long after the A ended did the revelation take place? How did this variable affect how you dealt with it and felt about it?

I found out from e-mails while she was on a &#8220;business trip&#8221; all but the details. When confronted she was hostile and defensive probably because I was visibly upset when she returned from her tryst with MM2, i.e. caught in the act! The emotional affair continued with MM2 until last month. The affair with MM1 (the biological father of youngest son) had been over for over 7 years due to his sudden death. The time interval between the death of MM1 and the discovery of MM2 was really a non-issue since we feel it was a continuum, that is MM2 was simply a replacement for MM1, the A had never ended in her mind.

2. What did you think? What did you say? What did you feel? What did you do immediately after?

I thought my life was over and I was suicidal. I felt like it was something in me which caused her to stray. I felt very small and insignificant and unworthy of love not to mention I felt betrayed. I told her that she was the only one I had ever loved and it was not fair that she had never given me a chance to find someone who loved me as much in return. Immediately after the revelation I raged alone in my home for 2 days trying to find where she really was. I took my hunting rifles and shotguns to the police station to be destroyed and went to the psychiatric emergency room.

3. Who did you tell?
I told my sons only because the doctor wouldn&#8217;t release me from the hospital without family support and I couldn&#8217;t reveal this to my sisters at the time. My parents were both dead and I had no one else to turn to. Since that day I have told my older sister because she was having trouble with one of her sons dealing with his fathers long term affair.

4. How did you change?
I have become much more emotionally aware and I have discovered (I think!) how to show my love to my sons and my wife. I was a very introverted and quiet person before and I have emerged from my shell. I have lost the ability to trust some one blindly.

5. Do you regret knowing?
No, I only regret that this happened in the first place. I have always been a believer in truth even if it hurts. I regret that the boys were told but on the other hand I think that it would not be fair to keep the truth from them.

6. If you could change anything about how you were told, what would it be?
I am positive that it would have been easier if I had been told by a repentant W and not had to find out for myself.

7. How do you feel now? Are you happy?
I feel good about myself and yes, I am happy most of the time. I do feel separated at times from my children but I still maintain hope for some sort of reconciliation in the future.

8. Do you care about the child? Do you know the child?
I love the child as only a father could love a child. After all I raised him for 27 years as my own without knowing.


9. If you have no contact, honestly, why(presuming you are), are you happy about that? Is it about the child or the OW?
I am sorry to say that I am happy that MM1 is dead. It takes away any temptation to contact him or his W. I can not garner a lot of compassion for someone who denied the existence of a child for 21 years so he could perpetuate an illusion.

CM, I have said it to you before and I repeat it in kindness. You will always be tripping over the elephant under the rug until you tell your H. Please spare him the nightmare of finding out on his own.

God Bless
ULA

CM,

I could hear the tremble in your voice when I read your post. It is obvious you are very very scared of this next step.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ZB,
My heart sank when I read your reply. When I re-read it, I felt sick.. I have no idea how to answer questions that my H may ask where I will have to reveal such intimate questions about having sex with OM while I was pregnant and afterward. Did you ask for this information, or did OW tell you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes CM, I asked. I wanted to know each and everytime they did it. Like the other poster said ... my imagination was far worse than the truth. For me, I needed to make a decision in my mind how deeply involved he was. I could judge that by the frequency, types of meetings, where he took her, what they did besides sex. And everything he told me, I either confirmed or denied with OW when we had our little sit down clear the air talk.

For example, I found out they had sex in our living room. But he wouldn't allow her upstairs. Turns out they came home to get his cell phone that he forgot that morning and she sort of "seduced" him. He gave in to the seduction but wouldn'take her upstairs. That told me he at least cared enough for me not to violate my space and my bed, and that she wasn't that special to him.

Also I asked questions about other activities they did together besides sex. In the 1.5 years there was only one movie they attended together during the day. He said she begged him because he treated her like she was ... a booty call. He gave in to a movie once. she confirmed this too. That also assured me in my mind that even though the affair lasted 1.5 years, it was about the sex and not a "love" thing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am getting very sick to my stomach thinking that I will have to explain things at that level of detail.

How many BS asked for the "intimate details"? (I pray not to have to discuss this part).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">During my discovery and questions regarding their affair and learning it was a purely sexual relationship, I realized I needed to find out what the sexual draw was. That's when I began asking more questions about the specifics of their sex. I needed to know what she did that I didn't, what she did better, and what my strengths were that she couldn't match. I became more confident in those things that I was better at and improved on the things that she did better. In the long run it was good for our sex life because I took a keen intrest in being everything she was and more.

p.s. nice side affect was he started getting better too!

But I've heard some other BS say that these kind of details haunted them in bed. Sometimes I succumbed to crying in bed too. But I refused to let her into my bedroom and my sex life. I was going to win no matter what. I focused on my (and his) pleasure and swept her [censored] out of my mind.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have years and years to explain. A didn't end for quite some time after son was born and still wouldn't be over if I hadn't finally had enough self torture.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is a hard reality for a BS to know that the affair isn't ended because the WS realizes he/she loves the BS. Most always it's because of fear of discovery or plain ole ultimatums. You H will be lucky that he won't have to live with that fact. You chose him without him having to "fight" for you. Or to be pushed in a corner to choose. You made the choice willingly. That will be a comfort to him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm beginning to entertain the idea of downplaying it somehow. I want to be honest but I do not want to be cruel.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't downplay, but do use the other JustLearning's suggestion to forewarn him that answering his questions will be painful for you and him.

I also like K's suggestion of having someone for your H to talk to right away. Had I not had my best friend to pump me up to fight for my marriage ... I'd probably have dropped him like a hot potatoe! And during some of his not so nice days (some denial of his share of the responsibility of the breakdown of the marriage) he was an all out bear to deal with. Many a day I wanted to be rid of him and all his baggage. Having someone to encourage you to stay is soooo helpful.

Just remember all those questions he'll be asking you are to get a clear picture of where you marriage really was at during the time of the affair. The BS feels like everything they knew was true until d-day. Now they have to map out the truth. Kind of like an amnesia patient trying to remember their past.

Remember when you posted right before your vacation this summer. I begged you to tell him before that ... because surely he'll be doubting the good time you had together this summer. Every moment you have shared for the past years will become suspect.

Your job will be to remind him over and over and over again that he is the man you are in love with. Don't be like many of our WS's and ask him why he can't "just get past this." Nurture his pain. Hold him, let him cry. Let him vent. Just keep telling him how you love him. SHOW him you are sorry. And if he asks for 100% no contact... you better be willing to give it to him. Prepare yourself to drop off the face of the earth in OM's eyes. Poof without a trace.

You have years of "making up" to do. For how ever many years your affair was, is how ever many years you'll have to "make up". Just now 1.5 years later, I feel like we have equal years of recovery under our belt.

Just the other day I was looking at H while he washed dishes and thought. It's been 1.5 years since he's had sex with another woman. It's been 7.5 since I've had sex with another man. How unfair! How sad! And CM, this comes from a "recovered" BS.

Honey I do wish you the best of luck. Please don't get defensive if he lashes out initially. Let him get all that yucky stuff out. He'll feel vulnerable and need that vent. Just be there when he breaks down and get's sad. Be there to reassure him. I wish we could all be flies on the wall to wisper suggestions during d-day.

Praying for you and your family,
Z.

CM: I really do not have that much more to add but yet maybe another example. Here are the answers to your questions:
1.a. How did your spouse reveal their truth? I received a registered letter in the mail from our local county courthouse asking for child support and paternity. I had no clue of an affair. I knew we had been having problems for quite some time, but were on the upwards spiral and things were starting to get good between us again.
b. What words did they use? Where were you? I read the papers in disbelief. I was on the phone with a friend as I read them in my living room. I started to sob uncontrollably and hang up the phone. I thought it had to do with a 4 car accident he was involved in a few months prior.I was 5 1/2 months pregnant with our third child. The papers revealed that the child was 2 months old.
c.How long after the A ended did the revelation take place? How did this variable affect how you dealt with it and felt about it? The affair had been over for 8 months. She told him of the pregnancy when she was 5 months. I will be honest here and tell you if he had been actively involved in the affair at the time of discovery, I would have left, I have no doubt of that, so it affected how I dealt with it a great deal.

2. What did you think? What did you say? What did you feel? What did you do immediately after? At first I thought it was someone trying to harrass him, he has a job in which he pi$$es alot of people off. But in the paperwork there was a copy of a picture and I couldn't deny that. I cried uncontrollably, felt lost, and forgotten. I felt as if he lied about the past year of our life, but also I felt stupid, why hadn't I seen any signs? I once again was made a fool of, but this time by the person I had devoted my heart to. Yes, as I said, I know we were having problems...but I was willing to wait them out. I KNEW we could get thru them as long as we were toether...Little did I know he was so far away. I asked a million questions, went into coulselling immediatly and got checked for STDs.

3. Who did you tell? No-one at first. I became a recluse. I kept away from my family who was used to seeing me every weekend, and my stepmom who saw me at least 3 times a week. I stopped going to ceramics with my friend, and stayed at home. I was ashamed, angry and couldn't stop crying. Then 5 weeks later, I told my family, some friends, his family, anyone who I thouhgt could give me an ounce of help...looking back I told too many people.

4. How did you change? I am not sure of that yet. Although I am 2 years post d-day, I feel that alot of this time I have been stuck, and therefore haven't allowed myself to change. I have been to 3 counsellors, individual and together, Retrouvaille, and these boards. I think I am just starting to see he means it when he says he wants to work it out, recognize all that he is doing and changing, and am just starting to let go of my protective shield.

5. Do you regret knowing? I am not like the others here...I would not have wanted to know. We were moving to a better spot in our marriage. This set us back so much further than we were even pre-afair, and it will never go away. At some point, later in our lives, we will be faced with this again. I just hope we are prepared for it when it comes.

6. If you could change anything about how you were told, what would it be? First off, that he told me himself. Second, that he told me before my Dad passed away. He passed 3 months prior to d-day. My father was my confidant, as he raised me from age 14 when my Mom passed away.

7. How do you feel now? Are you happy? I am scared, that all of the fights we have had since d-day have scarred our recovery. That my obsssession with having another child with him had/has overcome me so much that I wasn't able to focus on our marriage. That it has been too long and he is back to feeling unloved. That once again, I am too late.

8. Do you care about the child? Do you know the child? This is a hard one. I care that he is okay, fed and living happily. I do not know the child, we have no contact. I have no warm, fuzzy feelings, or regret the decision my H made when HE decided on no contact. I left that to him as I did not want him to say later on in life that he did it for me.

9. If you have no contact, honestly, why(presuming you are), are you happy about that? Is it about the child or the OW? I am not so sure it is happiness, but more of a relief. I wish the child could know him as a father. He is a wonderful father. Who is it about? I think it is a little of both. I do not want him to have contact with her in anyway, and so far she has just called once b/c he was 10 days late with a payment. I feel that seeing the child would be hard for me to handle, like having a reminder of the pain.

About the details of the affair. I, like Zebra, know everything. She would be embarrassed about the things I know. My imagination is worse than the reality of the situation. And the fact that my imagination is still working overtime tells me that I still have so many more. Our therapist said that one night we need to sit down and I tell him what I see in the images and he tells me what is true.
I needed to know everything. I needed to know what was still mine. I know they never did it in the shower, THAT is still mine! Also the way he has described the acts, the things they did together, sexual and non-sexual, has shown me that it was just as he said...he needed to feel wanted and she was willing. Once she showed him she was beginning to have feelings for him he broke it off.
I am glad I know all I do. I will admit that some of the answers hurt, but realistically I knew what they were before I heard them.
I do not have much more to add as far as what you need to do when you reveal the truth. Hold him, dry his tears, rock him, love him. If letting him be distant is what he needs respect that, but let him know you are not going anywhere and when he ready your arms are wide open.
I really repect what you are considering doing here. It takes a strong, brave person to face thier fear of the unknown and come clean. I am glad you are making this decision. Come to us for help, we will be here for you and him as you face this. It will be hard, but it seems to me you have the strength to get thru it. Keep posting and God Bless!
NGU