CMiranda,

I've been thinking about your post "ready to hear more" and already responded and didn't want to take up more room on that post to add more. (Hopefully, others will respond to your very thought-provoking questions.)

While hearing about an affair is difficult, I imagine telling your spouse about it is almost as bad. In my case, my H was hoping to keep it a secret until after baby born and paternity testing complete. That would have been another 5-6 months and honestly, I don't know if he would have been able to survive the wait. The stress of knowing about the soon to be born OC was causing H to drink excessively and we were fighting about that. My H later told me that he actually considered making me hate him enough to leave him and then I would be spared learning about the affair. Our therapist has told us repeatedly that feelings will come out one way or another. Either you let them out directly (talking about issues) or they will come out sideways (in ways you didn't intend, i.e., H's drinking). Best to deal with problems straight on.

Around the same time I found out about OW/OC, a friend of mine also found out about her H's affair. My marriage is intact, hers ended in divorce. While each situation is different, maybe you can draw some wisdom from the diffences between my friend and I.

My H's affair was just about sex (he was not looking for love/relationship), was relatively short term and was over before I was told about it. When we first discussed it, my H immediately said he was sorry, it was the biggest mistake he'd ever made, asked for forgiveness and vowed to do whatever it took to make it up to me, if I still wanted to be married to him. H told me he never stopped loving me and he still loved me and wanted to be married to me. When I told him I wanted us to see a counselor/therapist, H agreed immediately. I saw a counselor the very next day and we saw her together just 4 days after that.

In contrast, my friend's H told her that he had found his "soulmate," he was still seeing OW, had no intention of stopping affair and wanted a divorce. He also refused counseling because in his view there was nothing that needed fixing.

Some would say that my H and I had a more difficult situation to work through because of the OC, but in reality, we had a lot going for us to make it through this crisis:
1. The affair was over and OW was out of the picture.
2. H was committed to making our marriage work.
3. H was not emotionally involved with OW.
4. H agreed to counseling, which we started right away.
5. H said he was sorry, that his actions were inexcusable and he regretted it. He repeated this often.
6. H told me that he loved me. He repeated this more often than anything else.

Now the logistics of breaking the news....

The most important thing is time. There will never be a perfect time to broach the subject, but make sure you will have lots of time to be together and discuss it. For me, OW called on a Sunday night around 8:30pm. H didn't get home until around 10:30pm. We were up talking/crying until 2:30am and I had to be a work for a critical meeting at 7:30am. I did go to meeting, but barely. I would recommend late morning/early afternoon when spouse will not have commitments (that can't be broken) for the next couple of days. For example: Saturday afternoon of a long weekend.

Next, make sure you pick a neutral location. Do not (as in my friend's case) bring the issue up while in the bedroom!!! Just too easy to visualize your worst nightmare. Also, do not invade your spouse's "sanctuary" (whether it's his tool area in the garage, his study/den, etc)to break the news. At least for awhile, your spouse will associate this space with "the news" and will need his sanctuary intact as a place to escape to. For me, news broke in living room, which was fine. During the days that followed, my H and I often found ourselves sitting side by side on the stairs for discussions. Even now, if one of us sits on the stairs, the other sits too for a close discussion. The stairs are definitely neutral. I would not recommend a public place, unless there's plenty of privacy ( a park would be OK, a restaurant would not).

Be prepared for exhaustion! This news changes reality. You will both be physically and emotionally drained. Take whatever breaks you can. Order take out (if you even feel like eating) or have something simple on hand. Have someone come in to clean the house, etc. During the first couple of months, my H and I both were sick more frequently than before; we caught every cold/bug that was going around. The exhaustion was unbelieveable and long lasting. There were days that I would go home at lunch, just to be able to lie down for 20 minutes! By Friday night, I would crawl into bed and stay there until Monday morning. On the other hand, having a routine (like having to go to work each day) helped us both move forward.

Get resources and use them ASAP. For us, starting counseling within first few days was a life saver. I didn't discover this web site until years later, but it certainly would have been a blessing to have at the beginning. Being able to talk to a counselor really helped both of us because she could "normalize" and validate our feelings. She told me that it was normal to feel like I was on an emotional roller coaster. She encouraged my H to answer any and all of my questions with honesty, even if he didn't want to, because it would help me move forward. Also, having a counselor to talk to meant that we did not hve to confide in a lot of friends or relatives. It helps not to have to deal with the feelings, biases, etc. of well-meaning friends and relatives. It will be enough just to deal with your own feelings. You might want to line up a counselor before you break the news. [You may want see counselor alone before you break the news to help you cope.]

Your spouse will be irrational; expect the unexpected. Everyone reacts differently. What you would want, may not be what your spouse wants. Give him whatever he needs, whether it's space, information, time alone, etc. For me, I needed information. I needed to know what she looked like, when they met, what they did, what they said to each other, etc, etc. It was not easy for my H to tell me and it wasn't easy to hear -- but I HAD to know. I went back over credit card and phone bills. My H thought I was torturing myself, but counselor encouraged him to give me what I needed; not what he needed. I also needed to know where he was at ALL times. We agreed that H would carry cell phone at all times and I would be able to call whenever and as often as I felt the need. Honestly, if I could have put a tracking device on him, I think I would have. Sometimes I would call him 2-3 times when he was out on errands. ("Yes, I'm still in the grocery store." "Now I'm at the car wash.") Seems silly now, but it was what I needed then.

The fact that you lied will be as big (and maybe bigger) an issue as the actual affair. You will have to earn trust all over again. And it will never be the same. It may come very close, but it will never be the same. Get used to being questioned and try not to get defensive.

Be patient. Just like grieving for the death of a loved one, it takes about a year to get to "normal." Give yourselves permission to put the issue aside and give in to distraction while you're going through the process. There were times when H and I agreed NOT to talk about the "issue" for the day and just go to a movie. Even when people are grieving, they can't grieve 24/7 for weeks/months/years.

Do what works for both of you. The first holiday that followed D-day, I couldn't face being with either of our families, so we told each side that we were going to be with the other side and then we just went away for the weekend alone. It may be easier not to deal with family and friends during this time. (You'll probably have the excuse that one of you is sick, so you won't have to make up excuses.)

Remember that you have a head start on your spouse in dealing with this, because you knew about the affair when it happened; your spouse didn't. Think about what happened on 9/11. It's now 11 months later and most of us have learned to deal with the new reality and are ready to put it all behind us. For your spouse, the day you tell him, it will be 9/11 for him, no matter what the calendar says. You may be ready to put it all behind you, but your spouse is till combing through the wreakage at ground zero, looking for survivors. Be patient. It will take time for him to catch up to where you are.

At some point, your spouse may be ready to admit that affairs don't happen in a vacuum and things he did/didn't do helped contribute to this happening. It won't be anytime soon. Don't try to share the blame - shoulder it all for now and let him come to his own conclusions when he's ready.

I hoped this helped. Be strong. Say you're sorry and mean it. Say "I love you" and mean it. Say both of these phrases repeatedly, even when you feel like saying "do we have to discuss this again -- get over it already." Repeat it again and again and throw in a hug for good measure.

THIS post deserves a STANDING OVATION ***

<clap> <clap> <cheer> <cheer>

Excellent .... really!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I am at a loss for words as to this post, but like Pepper said, it definately deserves a standing ovation!!!!!!! What a way to help someone in great need of advice about breaking such devestating news! Great post, and I hope it helps more than just CM, if there are any lurkers out there in the same delema!

<clap> <clap> <clap> <clap>.............

Tigger

<clap><clap>BRAVO!!! BRAVO!!!<clap><clap>

Well said, stilltogether!

What a beautiful way of explaining the pain of the BS, while showing understanding of the pain of the WS as well.

My hats off to you, st!!

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stilltogether, That was a terrific post. I agree with much of what you said.

It sounds like your H really loves you.

My H has also met my needs, in the ways you mentioned. We are 6 yrs. into recovery.

Thank-you for your posts. You have a gracious way with words.

ember

Bravo...and thank you for what could be the "gold standard" of how to prepare for which there is no preparation. What excellent, excellent advice and guideline.

Catnip =^^=

Stilltogether, I agree with everyone here, you deserave a STANDING OVATION, you described my feelings as a BS to a "T" and you also gave me a lesson on how to treat a WS. This is an awesome post.

clap clap clap clap clap clap clap

yes that's me, zebra standing (errrr. balancing) on my computer chair giving StillTogether a standing ovation.

You hit all the right points on what to do and not to do.

My God ... how I wish my recovery would have gone so smoothly. If my darn stubborn [censored] H would have just had you in his life to offer suggestions!!!!

Can we post this on GQ????? or Just Found Out????I think it's quite valuable and so perfect.

MB should have a Notable Posts site.

The 9/11 analogy is perfect! I think every BS here had the WS telling them to "get over it"! LOL

I too laid in the bed for two days after d-day. Sobbing incontrollably at times. Only dragging myself out to hug and kiss the babies and put them to bed.

And that stair talk. Some very productive talks were had at my house on the stairs. I didn't realize it until you wrote it ... it is a very neutral place.

H and I now have an agreement. We don't agrue in our bedroom at all. That is the sacred zone. It's our retreat. Only room for love in that room!

My H used to joke that he was going to get a LoJack installed in his a$$! I wanted to know everything. Funny thing is now, he's in the habit of telling me everything right away. Where he went, who he talked to, who called him. Not sure if he does it consciously or subconsciously, either way .... it makes me feel good.

<small>[ August 12, 2002, 07:43 PM: Message edited by: zebrababy ]</small>

StillTogether,

There is a woman writing a book about situations of infidelity resulting in an OC.

She is looking for stories to add.

I think this post would be very valuable to the book. I'm sure the author would love it.

Would you consider submitting it. It can be done anonymously.

Her email is: ocresearch@yahoo.com

This advice must be published somewhere.

Z.