(EJMom, you'll be proud of me...)Been doing some reading and learned what being in the "fog" means. (For those of you new here, like me, this is a description I found, courtesy of MB member, Catnip:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "The Fog" is when a WS is in an affair or just out of an affair and he/she thinks they are in love or still in love with the OP, when it is just a fog, an illusion. The WS yearns for something that isn't real and feels they may be missing a chance at happiness with someone else (the grass is greener scenario) while physically back at home with the Betrayed. Meanwhile, the BS is doing ALL the work trying not to LB and working Plan A to save the marriage while the WS is seemingly pining away for the flavor of the moment that they have spurned and are having doubts about. the time line for this nasty period of time is about six months with No Contact between Affairees. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, that's me. I admit it. I'm in the fog. Its been a year with no contact and I want to get out of it but I seem to be plagued with memories, thoughts, and dreams I can't seem to shake. I want to feel how I felt with my lover with my husband but at times I wonder if that's even possible. I want my infant son (product of my affair) to grow up in a happy and healthy home, feeling secure in his mommy and daddy's love for one another. Any suggestions, anyone?

NP,

You and I have similar struggles..
I don't know much of your relationship with OM, but I'd expect it was intense if after 1 year you are still dreaming of him. I had an 8 month "break" a few years ago from my OM, some contact, but limited, and I felt then as you do now.
First, I'm not 100% over the loss of him yet; I was with him for a long time. I do have to say that I find this time is different because mentally, I prepared for it. Sort of like quiting some habit, you build up to the event in your mind first then leap for your life..
I am not as heartbroken as I was 3 years ago when we tried to break it off or 6 years ago when we parted for 8 months. Instead of remembering all the good memories, try and think about the bad ones or the things that he has done to hurt you. Focus on why you stayed with your H. Work on establishing a good relationship with your H, one where you feel happy, secure and at peace with your life. It comes from within, it truly does.
Does your child trigger feelings of MM?
I wanted to feel the same way with my H as I did with OM. I have basically come to the realization that it will not be the same, no relationship is the very same. Instead, I focus on feeling happy with my H and loving him. I find that way, I am not always struggling with my past. In doing so, I am not trying to make him someone he is not or us a couple we just can't be. I accepted my M for what it is and stopped trying to mold it into my affair relationship.

<small>[ August 14, 2002, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

I am proud of you!--it is hard to be a BS, but I can only imagine how hard it would be to be a WS trying to mend such a big mistake...

I see it this way, similar to Catnip:

I was at home, raising our son, struggling through my bachelor's and master's degrees, working part or full time, cleaning the house etc etc etc. I didn't have much time to think about my H's needs.

When he was at home, he had to deal with bills and housecleaning and baby spit up and all the every day things that go along with having a life. When he was with the (many) OWs, he had nothing to worry about except how well they worshiped him and met his needs.

No wonder he was in a fog--that is sooo much better than real life!

Problem with the "grass is greener" syndrome is that we all know logically that it really ISN'T. As soon as you go next door, you realize that real life tends to follow you around. If you married your OM, wouldn't you have the same problems that you have now? Life is life, no matter where you go to live it!

I also work with substance abusers in my day job, and I swear it is the same thing (MB said it first). Addiction begins as a way to escape, and continues because it is a sickness. Even when you know logically that crack cocaine isn't good for you and it hurts you and your family, you still use because it helps you escape real life. So, as soon as you are not high, real life catches up and all you can think about is the next high so you don't have to think about real life.

Make sense?
EJ

NPLH,

Well, my fog period was during the A, and when xOM showed his true colors, it was like the sun all of a sudden appearing, and that fog burnt right off. Although, I had been trying to figure out a way to end it w/o the whole thing coming out, xOM forced me into it, and all he!! broke loose! Needless to say, the only contact after D-day for me and xOM was when he was trying to talk to me, and I was telling him to leave, that I didn't want to ever talk to or see him again! He only left when I called the cops, as he wouldn't leave my front door! In my case, xOM was "blackmailing" me with the fact that he knew of the A that I'd had to "get back" at my H for his first A! xOM would tell me that "it wasn't fair to not continue to have sex with him, since I'd done it before"! So, I have an easier time of getting out of the fog, and now that I can see very clearly, I wonder "what the he!! was I thinking in the first place!?!?!"

I guess that's one thing that I am always grateful that he never found out that I was P before he got kicked out. He had even asked me once if I got P, would my H leave me! I can only imagine what kind of games he would play now if he knew!

Now for your actual question of how to get out of this fog. You need to conscienciously change your thoughts when they turn to xOM! If you are having a nice quiet dinner w/H and all of a sudden, xOM pops into your thoughts, force him away with thoughts of how much you do love your H and are glad that he chose to stay and save your M, and be the father that your son deserves! Think of ways to make your H feel special, that also make you feel loved and special! The most important is to push xOM from your thoughts. Make your own, new, better memories to replace those that creep into your mind in the least expected or wanted moments! Look for the things that made you fall in love w/your H in the first place, and encourage him to do those things again! Have you talked to your H about how to go about getting rid of your fog?

I, personally, am glad that I never had to deal with this fog as so many of the WS have! I just hope that I was of some help for your situation.

Tigger

Again, thank you, all for sharing your views with me. I'm determined to do everything in my power to get out from under this fog and concentrate on what I have and not the "mirage" that entices me with all of its false glitter. Its like that Carly Simon song - I already have "the stuff that dreams are made of."

CMiranda, its comforting to know I'm not alone in this struggle. You had a lot of good suggestions. I'm in the process now of making a list of all the things my lover did that hurt me and plan to review it when things get foggy. In answer to your question, yes, my son does trigger memories of my lover, but somehow I've got to get past this.

EJMom, what you said really hit home too. You're so right about life following you no matter where you go. And I know that had I married my lover, the attraction probably would have worn off and I would have wondered what it was that attracted me in the first place. Logically I realize this. But its taming the emotions that I'm having the battle with.

Tigger, you had some great suggestions too. Especially the part about focusing on doing the things that make my husband feel special and loved which inevitably filters down to meet my needs, too. I try not to bring up the fog issue with my husband because to him its so black and white. He doesn't quite get the emotional tie I have with xlover and I don't want to "rub his face in it" any more than I've done already. So I'm thankful that I can come here and get the support I need in this area from you all.