While my husband and I have a good marriage, we also have room for improvement. How can I help my husband open up and be more receptive to trying out advice and ideas?

I'd ask you to consider - 'what is in it for him?' What advantage might he see for listening to advice & trying new ideas?

A good quote is that people don't resist change - they resist being changed. Meaning you can change you (but you have to let him be the one to change himself). What things about your relationship would you like improved? And what things about you - the way you act/react/interact - can you change? If/when you change those things you just might find you've changed your relationship.

Furthering my comment about "what's in it for him", read up on the POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement). [Find more by clicking on the basic Concepts link at the top of each page.] Basically it states that you work together to find solutions that you both can agree to enthusiastically. Can you see that if he is enthusiastic about a solution (i.e. change), it is much more likely he'll stick with it?

I totally see and agree with what you are saying. I want him to change himself. I want him to realize we do have control over our relationship and that we also have a responsibility to each other to exersice that control. And I know he wants things to change but when I say "things", I mean that his opinion is that I'm the only that needs to change. I need for him to realize that our marriage is ALWAYS a two way street. I'm trying to lead him to that proverbial watering hole. If he doesn't drink then I'll deal with that bridge when I get to it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wife4230:
<strong> I totally see and agree with what you are saying. I want him to change himself.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then I wonder how well you understand the concept of not 'changing' him... (It's gotta be self-motivated.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">his opinion is that I'm the only that needs to change.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What does he suggest you need to change? Is it something you could/should change? Why not go first?

What are his top 3-4 EN's? Are you trying your best to meet them in ways he wants you to do?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm trying to lead him to that proverbial watering hole. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then I fear you'll end up with the proverbial disappointment.

Consider this book: How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together

What I'm trying to convey is this: I want to change things with myself that need to be changed. I AM changing things with myself that need to be changed. However, he doesn't believe that he needs to change anything at all. That if I change everything that is "wrong" with me, all will be well again. And for him it will be. But now I'm back to the whole "it's a two way street" thing. And as far as his emotional needs, he won't tell me what's most important to him so I have no way of knowing, outside of reading his mind, what to address first.And, I might be disappointed but should I sit back and just let him wander in the desert and just hope he finds his way back to me? I think that's the whole concept behind meeting emotional needs. ie: what's the point of sharing with each other what they are if you're not going to address them?? And as for the self motivation comment. I know it has to be but the first step to fixing a problem it to recognize it. That I can do. Fix it myself I cannot. He needs to realize the existence of the problem and that He himself can do something about it, I'm just looking for a way to guide him there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wife4230:
<strong>he doesn't believe that he needs to change anything at all. That if I change everything that is "wrong" with me, all will be well again. And for him it will be.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, from his (current) POV, he is right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And as far as his emotional needs, he won't tell me what's most important to him so I have no way of knowing, outside of reading his mind, what to address first.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd hazard a guess that, having known him as long as you have you could fill out the EN questionaire as if he were filling it out and get a very good estimation of what his top EN's are. Then formulate a plan on meeting them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the first step to fixing a problem it to recognize it. That I can do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, you can recognize his problems... What about yours?

I hope this is helping. I'd suggest you also post on the EN's forum. That gets a lot more traffic. It would be helpful to get other opinions also,

I already said earlier that I can recognize my problems and I have and am working on fixing them. One major one he's even noticed the change. He's just not very sensitive and supportive about it.

Hi wife4230,

Have you browsed this website and read some of the questions sent in, they address some of what you are talking about.

If you have a relatively healthy relationship, I think that you can change and then he might also change (I find that the book the Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie OMartin helpful here).

However, I have a husband that can be verbally abusive and has also been physically abusive in the past (I think he realizes that if he ever lays his hands on me again I will be gone because he has not come close to being like that again). I believe that he became physically abusive because I kept trying to change for him to hopefully get him to be nicer, I tried to read his mind, I tried to keep him from getting angry, and he liked that I was working day and night to keep things calm & nice, but his verbal & emotional abuse escalating to physical abuse.

At that point, I realized that all my changing and praying in the world needed some boundaries (a great book for this is Boundaries, you can buy a used version online for around $8). This book helped me with my husband who was really interested in developing a replica of his 1950s mom, a slave as far as I am concerned.

I like his mother but I hate when we even visit because the next few days my husband expects me to tiptoe around him, serve him meals plus dessert, clean up after him, wash his sink after he shaves, he throws his clothes on the bedroom floor, the family room, the dining room, & the garge floor (I can't believe he can leave something in each of these rooms, it seems harder to spread it out like that than just put it in ONE spot preferably a basket).

I hope some of this helps you. Sometimes meeting certian husband's needs work but some husbands need boundaries.

Hope this helps, this is just my opinion from my experiences. If my husband had his way, all he would do is work (he even wants to change jobs and wants me to find him the new job, he wants a degree and wants me to do the work... I have said NO, and I mean it. If he does not put his clothes in the basket, the are not getting washed by me... I am not his mother or slave!).

For what it's worth, I appreciate your dilemma wife4230. You can change all you want, but that doesn't automatically make you happier in your marriage. For example, if he cannot communicate his own needs then how can you meet them?

The only suggestion I can give is to think back when you two first met and try to remember the things you both did to fall in love. This may trigger a change in him.

Don't get me wrong. I think this site is great for marriages, but if your spouse just won't read it, you have to be extra creative to improve your marriage.