I am sitting here really trying to handle this the best I can...
As you all know my H left for Cancun this week for a business trip and is returning tomorrow.He had purchased a phone card in that I could call him at night to talk w/o it costing us alot of money. I was very surprised that he had done this as it came up in a conversation that we were discussing the trip and how I didn't understand how companies would decide that spouses can't tag along on these trips. It was pretty heated and he wanted to surprise me with it, and he told me then b/c of what I was saying. I told him it was a magnificent gesture and that it meant so much.
OK, I don't agree with these company trips but I have to accept it as there is nothing I can do about it.
The first trigger was when he called me the week before he left and was asking me what time his plane was. He was seeing if everybody was on the same flight. After I confirmed the flight number he turned away from the phone and said to a woman "Yes we are all on the same flight." (He had thought his was later.) While I understand most of the people he works with are women (retail)it unnerved me a bit and I called him back and told him that it did. It wasn't the person he was talking to perse but the fact that I was afraid of the trip and it bringing up the feelings of mistrust in me...how could I be sure that he would make the right choice if he was approached and we are still having issues in our marriage? I handled it calmly and we were able to talk it out.

Trigger two...I was having a problem with the fact that he was going to be "networking" with people, at times in casual settings, and with that you need to be polite with people so you don't insult anyone.I told him that it bothered me that if someone should come on to him or flirt, that he would have to be polite about it and maybe have to flash a smile or two. It made me jealous and panicky just thinking about the one smile. I told him of my feelings, he promised he would walk away from anything and that he would tell me of any inappropriate behavior and how he handled it.

Alrighty then...he goes on the trip, and says he will tell me of when I could call that he would definately be in the room. We set up a time of 11pm for Sun. Sun I call at the time, and we talk for a few, and at the end he says call at the same tome tomorrow. Mon I call again, at the same time and we talk for a few. At that time he says call again at 11 pm on Tues. Tues night, I fell asleep putting my son to sleep and woke up at 1:30am so I decide to wait until last night.

So far so good...

WELL, the trip was on my mind alot yesterday (Wed) b/c it is the "free day" in which they had alot of activities planned that they could choose from, and then a carribean dinner. OR I guess you could just sit by the pool and "network" if you didn't want to do the activities(yes there is a bit of sarcasm there, but I am a bit miffed, if you will). So I call at 11:15pm our usual time. When I called a woman answered the phone. I nearly died. My heart sank in a millisecond. She asked who I was calling for and I said "my H" and she sounded really confused saying she was a guest at a hotel and that I must have the wrong room. I asked her to put me back to the front desk and she didn't know how. So I hang up and call again. This time I get a room saying the "guest is not in their room at this time and to leave a message." I do and say I will call again at 12:30. I figure they are an hour behind so...I call again at 12:30 can't get thru to the hotel. I do the dishes, make lunches for tomorrow, pack the bookbags and call again at 1:10. Got his room but the answering machine again. Now I just called at 2 and he still isn't there. [Just for the record I do think I got the wrong room the first time, but the pain was so deep when I heard her voice. Before the affair, I would worry but was able to file it away knowing he could never do that...]

I am feeling a many emotions right now, from anger to plain ole pi$$ed off. From having a pit in my stomach to being able to calm myself down. From anxiousness to exhaustion. My mind is racing, and only for the fact that I can't hear his voice.
Why did he do this, Why did he bring this complete distrust into my life by sleeping with her...And after all that he is doing to help me move forward, why can't I find a way to battle these feelings so I don't let them get to me THIS bad. I mean I know they will affect me, but this going from one extreme to another is so tiring.
I handled the other two triggers a little better than I have in the past. I was calmer when we talked about it and didn't wait until he was boarding the plane to let him know my fears. However, he hates how I assume the worst, and then make a statement, rather than just asking what happened, like I am not giving him the chance to explain. Maybe it is just that I am upset that he stayed out so late, or couldn't break away to get my call. He is not off the hotel property, he said they weren't allowed to go off it, so he could have gone to the room, hoping I would call at 11, realizing we had done so at that time every night,and knowing that the reason I didn't call the night before was b/c I was tired (which has happened in the past when he travels) and then go back out. He had to have known what it was doing, not being able to talk to him.

Today I pick him up at 5:30pm from the airport. Help me to get in a better spot with this so it isn't written all over my face when he gets off the plane...

Thanks I'll be checking in until about 4 pm EST.

NGU

another twist to the question...
My question is... He often says that I am not happy when he returns, so I want to be that way. But it is SO on my mind. And I made a promise to him, that I would not internalize anything, that if something was bothering me I would tell him. Especially if it was a new thing. This is new, and I know that if I let it fester it will be brought along with me on our camping trip...so I feel as if I am caught...do I risk ruining his homecoming, and keep my promise to tell all? or do I keep it inside and when it does blow, and believe me it will, he will be even more upset with me...
Any ideas?

NGU

NGU,

It seems you and I are dealing with big triggers this week.

My suggestion is this:

When you pick up your H, take something like a card saying
“Welcome Home Honey!”
Greet him with as much enthusiasm you can muster. And mean it.
You really are glad he is home… go with that part FIRST.

Maybe have something special fixed for dinner. Got out to dinner.
Keep a relaxed atmosphere.

Then, when you are able to talk to H alone, away from the children
and after the Welcome Home, bring your concerns to him.
Stay calm. Explain why you feel this way.
Fulfill your promise not to let things fester.

You need reassurance that only your H can provide.
Give him the opportunity to provide that reassurance.
Don’t go to him with both barrels blazing
or that will put him in the wrong frame of mind
for giving you any reassurance.

Hugs to you, NGU.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I agree with Stacia Lee. My husband is a musician is is on the road alot. It's the same way I try to handle things that come up (insecurities, triggers, worries, etc.). Sometimes, I even wait until the next day if I can just to give him time to unwind.

Wishing you luck.

NGU,
Just think that you are so glad his home and just keeping think over and over again. And then talk to him about it tomorrow.

Dawn

NGU,

I think you should talk to him about it tomorrow too. Greet him enthusiastically with a card and/or a big hug and kiss. Make him feel happy to be home. Home has to be a place a man or woman wants to come too. If he's always greeted with a sad face or a down person he will resent coming back home especially if he's on the road a lot now. Then talk about it tomorrow or the next day but don't ruin the mood today he might really be looking forward to seeing you and the kids again. Good luck I know it seems like we BS’s always have to put our feelings on the back burner but if you take a few days to think about it when he’s home you might be able to discuss your feelings without being too emotional. So he can understand your point of view without getting defensive.

Unsure

Well I am back from shopping for camping and getting ready to pack it all up. I wanted to thank you all for your help. I have given this alot of thought and have a plan...
I am going to wear a sensible but flattering sundress (with maybe a surprise underneath?) and keep the kids in the clothes they wore for school pictures. I am sure I will probably meet some of the people from the trip as they come out of customs. I will do all the primping...and then I like the idea about the card. I will then ask about the trip and not bring all this up. You are all right that he needs a chance to unwind. When the kids go to bed I will discuss the mix-up last night.
That way we can clear the air, maybe talk about ways this can be avoided in the future, my feelings about not being able to reach him, and then we can go on to enjoy our weekend camping.
I then want to show him the posts from the forums I posted this on so that he can see that I am not being irrational and am not the only one who has this happen. Possibly help him to understand that I am not as stuck as he thinks I am.

Well, what do you all think?
NGU

Unsure, we posted at the same time! I think I have to talk to him tonite. I have promised him that if anything is bothering me I will say something right away b/c it will affect my mood and that will really ruin the evening.Besides we have so much to do tomorrow and if I bring this up tomorrow and he feels we could have addressed it tonite he won't be happy. A discussion tomorrow would just hold us up.
Thanks for the help though. I think if I stick to my plan above, he will feel happy to be home and we can still get past this.
NGU

Ever feel like we overthink EVERYTHING? (we being us BS's) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I say follow your instincts--your logical instincts, not your emotional ones.

My wise mother taught me that if you ever feel like doing something RIGHT NOW (like broaching subject of strange phonecall), that is the very best time NOT to do anything.

Here's the worst part of your experience (had similar ones, so I know)--you'll NEVER know for sure. That is the extra bonus prize of being married to a WS. You will not be really sure that what he says is truth for a long time, so you may never know if she was in his room, or it was a mixup.

That is what we BS's take on when we choose to be married to a WS, at least in the beginning of recovery. Choosing never to know things for sure is soooo hard, give yourself a pat on the back for processing it before reacting. That is hard stuff.

I hope it goes well tonight!
EJ

Thanks EB! I am off to shower and primp. I will post next week as I am sure I will be busy packing tomorrow.
THANKS TO ALL!
NGU

Hi NGU
I was reading your post, and can understand your feelings, I don't know if showing him your post, is a good idea but go with your feelings.

I, know of some good books you can read on this issue 1. Surviving the affair
2. Divorce Remedy

These are some real good books to read if you all ready haven't read them purchase the book, your WS. has to understand that he has to do whatever it takes to fix what he broke.

You have to understand if he's making in effort you have to support him in his efforts. It's a good thing that you talk about your fears but don't jump to conclusions. I myself is quilty of that.

GOOD LUCK

Someday, a few years from now, you will relax more and not agonize over what he may or may not be doing.

In the early stages of recovery, we all spend our days and nights battling suspicion and second guessing everything and everyone. We are all so eager to have everything return to normal pre-affair that we tend to get so obsessive we end up sabotaging ourselves in some weird way. Our FWS sense we are anxious and filled with apprehension and suspicion. They hate it and we can't help it. Our neediness is unattractive even though it is normal and predictable and understandable. The fact is that they probably do understand it but just hate having to listen to us and deal with the anxiety and suspicion they have brought into our lives. After all, it is THEIR doing, not yours or any other BS here, that caused this mess.

If your husband is committed to recovery and is mature enough to understand your pain and anxiety and has the ability to console you, your recovery should go pretty well and eventually you will shake these negative feelings and get rid of that constant ache in the pit of your stomach. But, this doesn't happen over night and takes a couple years of constantly working on the marriage, both of you using the Harley principles and incorporating the rules of honesty and protection.

The Rule of Honesty is a good place to start by explaining to your hsuband your fears and feelings and not worry about his reaction. In spite of what he says, he can handle it ...and should. He owes you that and more and is the least he can do. A violation of trust of this magnitude takes a long time to restore.

You can explain how all this has effected you and ask him to put himself in your shoes for just a few minutes while you describe how you have felt these past few days. It hasn't been fun for you in the least. Every waking thought has been about this and wondering what he is doing, who he is talking to and what has happened or what went on. It isn't fair for him to expect you to just accept him at face value yet because he hasn't earned it yet.

I like the idea about greeting him at the plane all dolled up and with the kids there for all passengers on that flight to see that he is married and has a family who loves him.

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ August 18, 2002, 11:07 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

NGU,

I was wondering how your camping trip went! I am anxious to read about your family time.

Tigger

Well guys...first off I want to thank you all for your help with this. I must say that the weekend was a great success.
I picked H up on Thursday afternoon and we finally got back on the road to return home at about 6:30 pm. I met him in a nice sundress and sandals and had a card, plus had the kids each make a card for him. They were dressed to the nines from school pictures also. He came out of customs and introduced me to a few people and then we left, it was very quick. I did not bring up anything about the night before as I was going to at least wait until the kids went to bed. When we got in the car he asked me why I hadn't called at 11pm. He said that he had gone up to his room at 9:30 pm (his time, 10:30 my time) and waited an hour for me to call. Since I had gotten the wrong room and then had a hard time getting thru the second time, I must have just missed him as I began calling at 11:15pm(EST). He said he had waited the hour and assumed I had fallen asleep putting the baby down(not unlikely lately) and went back to the beach b/c it is the season for the sea turtles to lay eggs and he wanted to see if he could get a chance to witness it. As it was he got to see three of them. He said he had returned at about 1:30 his time and I had stopped trying to call at 1...so we had just misssed each other. He said he got the two messages I had left.
I sat there and decided that I did not want to bring up the mess up about the room yet,and the feelings that I went thru, and listened to the tales of his trip. The kids were hungry so we stopped at Mcdonalds on the way home. While eating, he asked why my eyes were so red and I said that it was b/c I had slept with my contacts in, which was true (and also not unlikely!)
We got home, put the kids to bed, and then passed out, him after a long trip and me after an emotional 2 days.

Friday I wake up and my eyes are all red, itchy, and sleepy. I took one look and realized...OMG I have PINKEYE! No none of my kids have it! So, since I am in a new area, and only seen the doc once for a referral to a counsellor, the doc has to see me and then we have to get a prescription. I was really planning on packing that morning, and this made me pretty behind schedual.Soooooo...
On our way back from Walmart,(we were driving two cars since our van was in the shop for recalls and we had picked it up on the way to get the prescription) I am jamming to Bruce Springsteen and WHAM, my H's car is pushed into mine! He got hit from behind. We pull over, the girl gives us her info and we get home. Thankfully no one was hurt (he had the baby in his car) and no damage to the van(RUBBER BUMPERS!) and his has about $750 on his rear. (He has to go for another estimate this week.)

SOOOOOOO...we FINALLY leave to go camping, and it is during this 4 hour ride that I tell him about the room mix-up. At McDonalds the kids asked him to explain the hotel, and he said he was on the sixth floor. The girl had said I had reached room 315 so all was reallly put at rest in my mind at that point. But I wanted him to know what the incident had brought up. He said he understood, and it was put in the past. We get to the campsite at 8:30, put the tent up in the dark and sit around the campfire at about 10 pm. We all go to bed at about midnight.
The next day we had breakfast, and decided to go horseback riding. While waiting for that we went panning for gold. There was a wieght limit for the horses and I was the only adult who passed to ride. So the kids and I are on this trail with these horses who barely moved and we are going up the hill. 10 minutes before returning there is a thunderstorm and we get soaked. My H had followed the shuttle with the van so we all piled in the van and returned to the campsite.
I took a shower and then sat down to dinner. We then waited till nightfall, had smores and then told ghost stories and then the kids passed out. We stayed up till midnight again and then headed home the next day. On the way home we stopped in town and had the kids take one of those "Old Tyme Photos" and we took one with the other couple. It was alot of fun.

All in all it was a great trip. We only had one sticky point aon Sat nite at dinner, after horseback riding. I had forgotten a few items (potato salad, american cheese,tomatoes and milk) The reason why was b/c they were on a different shelf in the fridge and since I had such a hectic morning on Fri, and less time to pack that I had planned on, I was rushed and therefore forgot. (Once again, not unusual for me) He was getting a little irked everytime I realized I forgot something and then when he tried to offer a solution for next trip, I got defensive. I jumped ahead of what he was saying. He began his sentence by saying..."If we are to go on another trip..." I chimed in at that point by saying, "Don't talk to me like a child and tell me what I need to do in order to go again." He got frustrated and walked away. All he was going to say was that we should make a master list for future trips and I assumed he was going to talk to me as he used to, as if I was a child, and he was giving me conditions to prove I can go an another trip(at least that is how I always felt in the past). I apoligized for jumping on him. He shakes his head and I ask, "What?" Then he says, "I can see how you are really changing and keeping your promoses. And you really think you are moving forward. This is another example of why I am thinking on the lines of no more kids."
I CALMLY said to him..."Don't do that. We have had a great trip so far and been able to get past some pretty big issues in the past few days. Don't let one disagreement wipe out the ones we got thru. And it isn't fair that you do that. We are still learning all this and it is unrealistic to think it is all going to be smooth sailing at every moment. We are going to make mistakes." He shook his head that he agreed and understood and it was put in the past. Another hurdle overcome calmly...
Guys, I think we are finally communicating!

I like the fact that we is listening to each other more, and that I can let these things go...in the past I would have held onto them for hours. If only I could learn to think before reacting, not assume I know what he is saying. I base so much on how he used to communicate with me and he is really trying to do it differntly, and I forget that.

He left today for another trip, and he called tonite. I, once again, fell asleep with the baby. He didn't leave a call back number and then he says he always has his cell on for an emergency, but he never answers it. I tried to call him, since I picked up the phone as he hung up, and I got his voicemails on his cells. Something I think we reallly need to address. If not for my peace of mind, then for emergencies.

Anyway, thanks all for your help. Your words and encouragement, support and understanding, really helped me to calm down and handle this differently than I would have normally.
Thank you all, you are a Godsend!

NGU

Wow NGU,
I admire how you kept your cool several times and such improvement in communication! Good for you!!

Sounds like you had a good trip despite the delays! Glad no one got hurt!

Prayers,
J
in recovery 4 years and glad I stayed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NGU,
Wow, That is great that you were able to be calm about everything!

Dawn

NGU,

I was so happy to read your post about your camping trip, and your many talks w/H! I am also very happy for you that the hotel room thing was explained, and the worry was lifted from your mind! It is so wonderful to see a M being rebuilt, and that the foundation of comunication has been reinforced, and the walls can now begin to go back up for your "New and Improved" M! Keep up the great work, and enjoy your new found connection w/H and your M!

Love,

Tigger