Been debating whether or not to seek child support. I want to make sure of my motives. Right now, if I'm completely honest with myself, (and all of you), it would be to force my xlover to own up to his responsibility in all of this.

But then my logical side says that the child support should be sought after for the well-being of the child. Don't get me wrong, we could use the money to help pay for our son's expenses and/or put away for him for the future. However, that would not be my primary motivation at this point.

Right now I feel like my xlover got off scot free and he needs a little "reminder" of the fact that there is another little life in this world because of him (and me) and I'm the one (and my husband) whose lives have been altered and who are owning up to the responsibility of that little life.

I've asked my husband what he thinks, and, while he agreees it would be nice to have an extra check come in every month (no matter how much it would be), he sees it as opening ourselves up to xOM, which he doesn't want to do.

Another side of me struggles with the thought to just leave xlover alone. He's gone back to his wife and children and wants to rebuild that relationship and why make it any harder on them than it already is? But why should he get off so easy? (Not that rebuilding your marriage after an affair is in ANY way easy.) But why shouldn't he own up to some responsibility here?

Your thoughts anyone?

I don't have any answers for you, I wanted you to know that your feelings are pretty normal given the situation.
I feel at times the very same as you do in that MM in these types of circumstances, seem to be let off of their responsibilities. I struggle with the very same thoughts as you do. Mostly when I am feeling angry and resentment toward exOM.
I can also foresee my H feeling the same as yours does but since he doesn't know yet, I have no way to know for sure.
Be careful of you wish for. If you are hoping to deliver some pain and suffering to MM for having abandoned you and infant son, proceed with caution. Normally, when we seek revenge, it comes back on us and we hurt ourselves or someone we truly care for more often than the target of our pain.
I'd ask that you examine your motives.
I would also say that nearly always, the OW puts the MM first and foremost in her live, above herself, and that is a pattern of self destruction. Now that the A is over with, practice putting yourself, H, and son first. They say here that MM needs should not be a factor in your decision. Whether he is rebuilding or not should not be a concern of yours.
From where I sit, he shouldn't get off so easily; yet, ask what price will your family have to pay to collect his deliverence? Can you afford it or not?

<small>[ August 15, 2002, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

Hello,
If you do not want him in your life then maybe it is for the best to leave it alone. Especially, if your H does not want him envolved.

Dawn

Noplacelikehome,

Hey, I don't give two figs for your reasons for going after child support. It could be bitter revenge to ruin the OM's life for all I care... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But what I will tell you is that if you want to rebuild your marriage, you MUST use the Policy of Joint Agreement in every decision you make. And that reads: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. Bottom line---you should do nothing until you and your husband have negotiated to a point where you both are enthusiastic with the solution. If you're not (or you can't get there), then you do nothing---resentment over lost opportunity is a much lesser evil than resentment over an active 'insult'. Couple the POJA with the Rule of Radical Honesty so that the two of you can clearly state your positions (without lovebusting or fear of lovebusting), and then try to negotiate fairly to a position you both are happy with. If you can do it here, you should have no problem deciding who gets the last piece of chocolate cake.

And, being the father of an OC, while I certainly wouldn't mind the extra income from CS, my real goal was to give this child a stable home, lots of love, and preserve our marriage. I felt (and my wife did too) that no interference from the OM would be the best way to achieve that. And so far (nearly four years), it's worked pretty well.

noplace

I understand your feelings about child support. You and your husband need to decide this together or resentment will follow, K is right.

WE had a hard time deciding to let OM in daughters life, but after many hours of talking we agreed Our children should not be lied to and she should know who she comes from. It was a great task trying to decide what should be done.

Child support was another issue, Husband felt om should pay for child support, because he after all was wanting her to be his daughter and act in that capacity. SO why should husband foot the bill for everything. OM and I DECIDED on an amount and husband said that was fine and it has been that way ever since, although rescently OM raised it on his own because he had extra money coming in.

while you and your husband are discussing all options Make sure you talk about all downfalls and plusses.

I wouldnt worry about om taking responsibility, Yes he should and it is sad to see those who dont.. but really do you want a man in your childs life who is that selfish and uncaring!? something to think about.

Doesn't xlover have the right to know?

He's the father, he has rights, too.

My H's xOW sprung the pregnancy on him 5 months in--too late to abort, not even an option. Not that he would have wanted that, but I feel he had a right to be a part of the process from the beginning.

Besides, there's a baby who needs to know the truth--imagine yourself explaining this to your child at 15. Heh, better to do it know when it can just be accepted as life.

K, by the way, is always right.

EJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doesn't xlover have the right to know?
He's the father, he has rights, too.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate that question---it's extremely difficult to answer.

If the mother is married, then legally the child is considered offspring of the marriage. That can be challenged in court (by the husband or by the biological father). And you will occasionally here of a woman getting pregnant by an OM, and then being sued by the OM to establish paternity. You'll also see a husband finding out that the child he is raising is not his---and even though that can be determined, he's still on the hook for child support for that child (obviously this is for those that end in divorce).

My impression on this was that the lover knew about the pregnancy. In our case, the OM clearly knew about the pregnancy. In fact, the behavior of my wife and the OM during that time helped to destroy the affair for good (hooray!). But there's always the chance that he could sue for custody---and even go after damages because we kept the child from him (although that part would probably be tossed out). On the advice of our lawyer (who is one of the best in our state), he basically said "don't put a stick in the hornet's nest". Let the OM do the work to establish paternity---if that was what he wanted. Try to discourage him (by allowing him the 'priviledge' of paying CS if he went after custody). But legally---yes, the OM has a right. They can choose not to excercise it. For us to have me legally adopt this child would have meant that I would have to had to sue my wife to establish that I wasn't the father, then get OM to sign off on his rights to the child, and then adopt...

Nothing about this stuff is ever easy. In the end, I think trying to do what's best for the child and the marriage is all you can do. We haven't decided when to tell our little boy that he's biologically not mine. We've narrowed it down to between when he's 6 to 'never'.

I'm glad that someone has noticed that I'm always right... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I just wish I always had the answer...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Besides, there's a baby who needs to know the truth--imagine yourself explaining this to your child at 15. Heh, better to do it know when it can just be accepted as life.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ej
This was one of the deciding factors in the decision my husband and I made. WE were afraid of how hurt and angry she would be if we kept it from her. OM also wanted to be in her life.. although at first he wanted to do it in secret.. But I wouldnt allow that to take place any longer. all or nothing, that was his choice.

for those in this dilema.. it has not changed my husbands love for daughter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

K--

While legally, I'm sure you are totally right, I was speaking more from a morally/ethically point of view.

Nothing about an A is morally right, but we all make mistakes. Perpetrating them by not allowing a person to have information as valuable as the fact that he has a child seems amoral to me.

At that point, it is his choice and right to pursue legal matters, as it is the mother's choice and right.

BUT, the fact of telling him seems like it shouldn't be in question--as hard as it might be to inform him.

EJ

Does OM know the child exists? If not, and you pursue child support, he may want visitation, are you and your H prepared for this?

You and your H needs to discuss all options and decide what you both can live with.

Yes, xlover knew about the baby. In fact, he said he wanted to divorce his wife and marry me. It was an agonizing decision, but I decided to stay with hubby. Xlover then (promptly) took off to the opposite end of the U.S. with his wife and children and from what I understand, is trying to rebuild with his wife.

We never really got to discuss the issue of child support before he left. I wanted to, but he shut himself down from me after I told him of my decision to stay with hubby. Didn't even really say good-bye. (And supposedly I was the sun in this guy's day...or so he said.)

I tried e-mailing him after the baby was born just to inform him that I was still alive and now another little life exists, but he simply wrote back that he'd prefer I never contact him again and then blocked his e-mail account so I could no longer contact him.

That took my breath away. I never expected that kind of reaction from a person who had been so affectionate and loving until the point I broke it off. Its like once he realized I was going to stay with hubby, he turned on me.

I realize it must have been hard for him too. And we all have our different ways to cope with disappointment, but it could have been different. It didn't have to be that way.

Incidentally, his wife's e-mail account was not blocked from me so I "happened" to open up some dialog with her. She knew about me and even tried to start a friendship while the affair was still going on (for her children's sake, she said, should I have become their stepmom).

Well, xlover hadn't been truthful with her about the baby. She knew one was one the way, but wasn't sure if it was her husband's or mine. (This really sounds like a soap opera.) She asked me if it was her husband's and I told her it was, and that there was no doubt because my husband and I had been estranged for many months and sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Believe it or not, xlover's wife was very kind, supportive and friendly. Not sure if she was being that way to finally get some truthful answers to her questions, but we really seemed to make a connection and were interested in each other's healing. I sent her a picture of the baby and she confronted him with it. She even told her children (15, 13 & 10 yrs. old) about the baby.

Well, this all got a reaction from xlover. He then called me and asked me why I was doing this. That I made my decision and that's that. Leave him and his wife alone. I have abided by his wish and haven't heard from either one of them for a few months.

So there's never really been a "fear" on my part that he would want to establish paternity and want to be a part of this child's life. He hasn't even acknowledged the child (even though his wife has.)

Not sure where to go from here. But I must say, a lot of you are making sense about just leaving well enough alone. I don't want any undue stress in my life, and I don't want to put my son in a position where he has to beg for his biological father to accept/love him.

Incidentally, I do plan on telling my son the truth when hubby and I feel he is mature enough to understand and handle it. I pray that I will have established a concrete enough relationship with him that he won't think badly of me, but rather see that I tried with all my might to make a go of my marriage.

Hi,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not sure where to go from here. But I must say, a lot of you are making sense about just leaving well enough alone. I don't want any undue stress in my life, and I don't want to put my son in a position where he has to beg for his biological father to accept/love him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This reminded me of something. My h's mom divorced his dad when he was 6 or so. She was pg with his little brother during separation.

H's dad denied that little brother was his, when it was his abusiveness when she was pg that made her separate and file for divorce.

All my H's life he sought approval from dad. When H did something dad din't like, he would not see him until H apologized. It didn't matter that H was a boy. He never did anything with h's brother until he started seeing that h's brother looked like him. Then he acknowledged that he was his son. By then damage done.

So, I think you are right in leaving it alone, and when he is old enough you can tell him the truth.

Sue,

Now you made me think of something....

I'm adopted, myself. Back in 1966 my birthmother was 17 and unmarried when she conceived me in the backseat of a car with "the cool guy at school." She denied her pregnancy to everyone until her 9th month when she developed toxemia (sp?). Anyway, her father was a raging alcoholic and her mother a (very) passive Italian woman and they had the smarts to realize this was no environment for a baby. So I was placed with the Dept. of Social Services and given to a foster family until a "suitable" home for me was selected.

The suitable home for me that was selected was a tad dysfunctional - ok, a little more than tad - and I've had quite a bit of stuff to deal with in my 37 years. (Not that everyone hasn't....)

After my adopted brother committed suicide in 1994 I dediced to search out my birthmother. It took me 7 months of researching, but by God, I did it!

She was rather annoyed that I had found her. But she gave me about 45 minutes of her time on the phone (my nickel) and then asked that I not contact her again. Out of respect for her wishes, I have not. (In spite of the fact that I learned I have 2 half sisters that know nothing about me, who I would kinda like to get to know.)

Anyway - my point in saying all that is I believe I just had a revelation about why I went through all of that. Could it be because I know what it feels like to have to beg for the love of a parent and I'm to spare my son that path? So he can grow up without any (major) hindrances to the forming of his God-given personality?

Hmmmmmm...........