OM had a fight with his wife. During this arguement he told her she could no longer be around our daughter and he would only bring her home when she is at work.

This morning he calls me and tells me I must not give in to her and tell her if she wants to see daughter she must ask her husband. I tell him thats crazy and he needs to not drag me into it, and I dont want them arguing in front of my child. SO he goes out of town and his wife calls me an hour later and wants to see daughter and come with me to get her picture taken.. I said sure[although I dont know why she would want to spend time with me] but I will be nice. She turned around and called om and told him she and I were going to do that.. he told her no she can not and then called me and and told me he forbid me to do that and expects me to abide by his wishes as daughters father.

My husband says stay out of it and tell them they can both stay way till they work out there issues.
I think it is silly and dont have a clue what they are doing.. But want no part of it.. But my instinct tells me she is already in my daughters life, I am not taking her out of it because they are having a squabble.. that is not fair to my daughter. [cant believe I am saying that] <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I cant believe I am fighting for a womans rights .. who I have never liked.. ugh I must be ill.

DO I IGNORE THEM ALL TILL THEY WORK IT OUT!?

Do I abide by his wishes as he is demanding ?

Do I say tuff and let her do as she wishes since my daughter is not in danger with her ?

Om is used to me doing as he wishes.. but it is because I am usually a peace maker.. However I believe he is wrong.. but I also dont want to get involved.

<small>[ August 15, 2002, 12:53 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Momof5,

If you are going to take orders from anyone, it should be your H. If you are going to take suggestions from anyone it should be your H. If you are going to listen to a reasonable suggestion, I think your H had the best one.

Your D should not be a pawn in their fighting, and you have the right to remove her from the middle of it. Your OM has no right to tell you what to do, particularly since this has NOTHING to do with the child. This isn't about the child's health, safety, or anything else. It is two grown ups fighting like children.

I can never remember if OM even pays you all child support, but I sort of think he doesn't do that either. In short, you are going to have to draw some lines here. My recommendation is to listen to your H and tell them both they are out of the picture until the child is removed from their fights.

God Bless,

JL

OM pays support, My concern is I have worked very hard to make sure this garbage stays away from daughter and I have worked hard to allow them in her life. I dont want to hurt daughter by keeping her from OM's wife, I think it is stupid and silly.
By preventing daughter to see any of them, i feel that is not fair to daughter. My husband thinks it will pass quickly and OM has a right to say she can not see daughter.. I dont think any one is being fair to daughter. And this woman has done nothing to daughter.. I have worked hard to make a good relationship with his wife to ensure the safety of my daughter, I worry about ruining all that work and her resenting me for it. AND Then it may in turn be shown towards daughter... THAT is my concern.
I dont take orders from any one, But I do try and compromise alot to keep peace.

<small>[ August 15, 2002, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mom of five:
<strong>
Om is used to me doing as he wishes.. but it is because I am usually a peace maker.. However I believe he is wrong.. but I also dont want to get involved.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it may be time to not do as he wishes and do what it is YOU feel is best. IMO you,your daughter or your family has any place in THEIR fight.

Love, K

Mo5,

I say that you should listen to your H when he said to stay out of OM and OM's W's squabble, and tell them that if W is to be kept away, than OM can stay away till they resolve whatever has happened! I don't think it is fair for OM to say that you HAVE to do as he says since he is D's father! Now, if he gives you some evidence that his W has done a 180, and has threatened to hurt D, or something as bad, then I would definately keep D away from his W, but it sounds as if OM is being childish, saying his W can't play with his favorite toy(I am not saying that's how he views your D, just an analogy)! If anything, he is hurting D more than he realizes!

As other's have said before, he can control who D sees when she is with him, but he should not be able to control that when you have D, and if you want to allow his W to come along with you to get D's pictures, he has no say in it!

Let them both stew in their own juices, and not let yourself get involved, or let them use D to get their own way in this fight! JMHO

Love,

Tigger

You are probably right. i guess I just dont want silly arguments invading my daughters life. It has no place for them and I resent him using her in his battle with his wife.

But I dont want to upset his wife by aggreeing with om, because I fear I might hurt how she feels about daughter. I have learned that the bs's level of tolerance on these issues is very low and I am scared what that will do.

OM tends to be a bit of a bully at times, He is used to getting his way.. from every one. I have never been afraid of him, but many people at work used to be.
I think I have decided to let my husband tell OM what he thinks and leave it at that. My husband likes to give opinions but doesnt like to get involved, He actually thinks this is funny.. I do not. I think for husband he thinks its funny because he likes to see om having problems once in a while.

I learned he made the statement to wife in front of my daughter and that upsets me, He said they were not arguing in front of my daughter he did it in a nice tone, But what he said was hurtful.
I dont like his wife, But I dont believe she would hurt my daughter ever.. she has worked to hard to try and respect me as a mother despite her feelings for me. You cant fake your love for a child that long. If she has done somethingn, he wouldnt tell me for fear of my reaction...[it would not be pretty]
your analogy was probably correct tigger, I know om and I am sure he said it, because it would hurt her and she would retreat. This was just a bit of a suprise for me yesterday and today.

I know I should tell them both to stay away till they work it out. That is what is best for daughter. Let me explain my concern... for those betrayed spouses who have contact if this was your situationa nd I agreed with om or kept you away and your husband agreed, would you not be very angry at me and feel more resentment than you do now? That is what I am trying to prevent.

Putting myself in the BS shoes...

Imagine your husband had an affair and produced a child whom he is paying support to and visiting regularly, just like he should. You become a part of that child's life, a step-mom of sorts.

And then, the crazy man you chose to be married to despite his betrayal decides he was just kidding, and forbids you to see this child you now think of as a step-child. Not your own, but one you love.

H(#$ yeah my tolerance is low, for B*()S$%^, not the OC. The OC is innocent, I know it, my H should know it but is chosing to play games.

I say he's the [censored], and she deserves to see the kid. But, getting in the middle is NOT advisable. I don't care if I had the nicest OW in the world, she is still the OW and really shouldn't be giving me or my H marriage advice, IMHO.

Tell the OM he can work this out himself, but all players have a right and a duty to visit with the OC.

EJ

MO5,

I will send you an email later..
I'm with the others on this - time to stop playing peacekeeper and do what you must as a parent. Your H had the best solution - stay out of it and keep D out of it.

xx00,
CM

Well, my head says the prudent thing to do would be to keep daughter out of the fracas and let them resolve their issues before coming around again. My heart says that this is a low-blow on MM&#8217;s part and so unfair. He cannot dangle your daughter in front of his W when life is good, and then pull her away when he gets miffed. He had an affair, forever altering her life. She dealt with it and accepted this little girl into her life. Now, in a fit of anger, H is yanking this little girl away. He appears to have no regard for the damage he may cause to his daughter AND his W. The anger dissipates, but the pain of his actions will linger on. My concern would be that keeping daughter away from W will push W to put up a wall to protect herself. She may fear loving your daughter and being close to her because H may pull this kind of stunt again. That would be a monumental set back&#8230;one that you may not recover from.

I wish you the best. You're in a difficult position.

OB1

Mof5,
I also agree with the group. Like you, we also have everything arranged my mutual agreement. There have been times when OW has said that she is not comfortable with us visiting the children because she sensed conflict between my H and me. Actually it was more a confict or difference between H and OW having a dispute.

I would hate to see you side with your OM on this, it would put his wife on guard that something unappropriate has started up again between you and OM, and she would have all those insecurities flooding back again.

You ask about resentment and pulling her from visits. Well as you know H and I are obviously having a very difficult time now, and he while still living here with me, is doing his visits solo at her house. She is not home during that time. But I DO resent it. I feel it is hurting the OC, especially the oldest when we were starting to really form a bond. Now if all goes well with H and I , I have to start over again to gain the childrens comfort with me.

Yesterday was V and I saw H and oc driving down the street, he pulled up and told me his plans to go to the park, and asked me to meet them there, which I gladly did. But this has to be very confusing to the OC why now only the father gets to do V and not the BS.

Trust your instincts on this one Mom.

Tina

mof5,
I would have to agree with ohbratti1 on this. I do think that your MM is wrong. When is your D birthday? I know it is soon. What are you going to do about it now?

I remember my first step dad and think about him once in awhile. He was the one that taught me how to swim and would play ball with me. I wonder if he ever thinks about us. It was kind of confusing for me when my mom got a divorce. I kind of missed him.

I wish that my ex-step-mom was in my life. I would love to talk to her enough now. My friend told me that she did not see anything wrong with me contacting her after all she was a part of my life for 7 years.

Dawn

DAWN
The party will go on as usual.. you see om and his wife are big on appearances and they would never let any one at a party think there is a problem.. I am sure they will work it out before then. I know om will make sure the party goes as planned. He will get his way in the end and his wife will do what he wants.. she always does.. I sad he was a bit of a bully.. he bullys her more than any one but she chooses to be there so I dont feel sorry for her.
Yes om is wrong but it is his personality.. he will never admit he is wrong.. ever.
My husband says NO D may not be around THEM IF they are bickering. so I will abide by what my husband says and let it go for now.
My personal feelings is this started because om was going out of town for a few days for personal reasons that did not include her and this was a trigger for her, as om and I used to spend every waking day together no matter what part of the country he was in. I think that is why she called so early and wanted to meet me tomorrow.. to make sure I was really in town still. and not with him.. why do I think this.. because he travels all the time and every time she calls for something the next day.
But again I can only worry about my family not his.

I am sure it will pass. I am going to spend the rest of the night with hubby.. so good night all.
momof5

thanks for the replys I appreciate other points of view. all of them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

dawn
you should contact your formor step mother, I am sure she would welcome your friendship.

You're an MBer now! Your H doesn't sound enthusiastically in agreement with you getting in the middle of their argument. The primary concern is your marriage surviving the affair. Back to the basics... (POJA)

Soooo, it's never about their wishes, it's about your H's wishes...

I think if you concentrate on theee most important thing, everything else will fall into its proper place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MoF, maybe if you met her, you would both have some closure.

Good luck.

ember

Closure for what.. she isnt a stranger.. I know her. I speak with her all the time.

Maybe Ember meant Dawn and her former step-mom... nice thought, that. (Parenting certainly goes beyond biology!)

Best wishes to all,
J

must be jenny.

Hi, Mo5,

I just learned a lesson in my own life by you sharing what is going on in yours. To keep one's marriage strong, we must agree.

Thank you,
noplacelikehome