Hi, all! As the title of my post says, I have been reading your posts as a source of strength these past few months.

I am 40 years old, have been married for 17+ years (18 on 12/29/02). My d-day was 5/5/02. We were separated for two months in the early part of 2001. Even though we had ground rules for our separation, one of which was "we are still married, so no dating", my H chose to have a one-nighter with a "mutual friend", and as of 1/10/02 is the father of a daughter.

What makes this even worse for me is that I am unable to carry a child to term. I have been pregnant many times and have lost the pregnancies an equal number of times; we have no children. That is, until he got his in January.

There is so much I want to talk about and so much I need to ask that I hope you all don't get too sick of me. I'm sorry I have to be here, but at the same time, you all seem like such good people that I feel a great deal of comfort here.

Thanks for letting me go on.

Hi Farm Girl. I wanted to welcome you to MB. I don't know if I can be of much help to you since I'm really new myself. I can tell you though that the people in here are very helpful and supportive and I'm sure you'll find being here very rewarding (both to yourself and your marriage). I'm very sorry that your situation has brought you here.

It is a sad, painful thing that has happened to you... but let me Welcome you to the Board.

You have definitely found a Wonderful Support Group.

You and I share similar stories.
I too have been able to get pg many times... yet I have not been able to carry to term.

My H also is the father of a little girl. She is now 13 months old and we have had contact with her since she was 5 wks old.

We have been through quite a bit... and we are working hard in our recovery. But the main thing is we are going through this TOGETHER!

Hugs and Prayers to you Farm Girl.
I pray you find the support you need.

I too would like to welcome you to our forum. It is a sad sitution we all find ourselves, but what a blessing to have found this haven!

It has literally saved my life, my marriage and my sanity.

There are a few women on the board who have also had trouble carrying to term. I'm sure they will be very supportive on that front.

As far as the affair, OW, OC etc. We will be glad to give you all the support you need. Just pop a topic or question out there and we'll respond.

Don't be discouraged about the amount of replys you get on the weekends. The board is quite slow on those off days.

Now, my brief history:

I have two kids with my H. Two physical affairs and one emotional affair with my Best Friend.

The second PA produced a child. a few months into recovery after d-day H fell in "love" with our best friend. The fogs lifted about nine months after d-day and we've been sailing through recovery ever since.

1.5 years after d-day we finally had dna and found out the OC was NOT my H's. Praise God.

Even though I technically don't have an OC ... I lived like I did for 1.5 years. So I can relate.

Now to get to know you better:

have you had a dna test?
do you have visitation?
contact with OW through you or H or both?
do you pay CS?
how is your marriage recovery going?
have you been to couseling?
have you read the material on this site?
what do you think of the MB priciples?

as for MB and the principles of Dr. Harley. I think they are great. Filling your spouse's needs and the POJA are what saved my marriage.

Wishing you the best of luck and a smoothe recovery,
Z.

Dumplin and Stacia Lee, thank you for the welcome.

Zebrababy, I remember when you found out about the results of the DNA test. I was so happy for you!

When I read your questions, I had to laugh because those were probably going to be the subjects of my first 300 or so posts! But, here is my best try at the Reader's Digest version of answers for you:

--No, we have not done a DNA test. I have pushed strongly for it, but H finally met with his lawyer last week and suggested that we not do anything yet (I question this). OW is a bit unstable (which I am sure we will be able to use to our advantage in the future) and she will absolutely BLOW when a DNA test is requested.

--We do not have visitation. H has seen OC twice. He wants to have some sort of visitation. In my "perfect world", I would prefer no contact with either OW or OC, but I find his sense of responsibility for this child to be intriguing. Is he THAT excited to finally have a child? This is very painful to me given my situation with infertility.

--I have no contact with OW; in addition to the two times he visited the OC, OW called H once (when OC learned to roll over). I was not raised to hate, but at this point I feel nothing but hatred for OW. She was once my boss and used to ask me all kinds of questions about my H. Now I know why.

--No CS yet. If OW blows her top as I expect that she will, we'll see.

--Our marriage recovery is slower than I would like for it to be. We had separated again in 3/02 (not related to A) and are still apart while trying to mend our marriage.

--We have been in marriage counseling since 12/01. Additionally, I have been seeing an individual therapist since 11/01 (second time around) for anxiety and panic, which I'm sure was brought out in part by marriage, infertility, and financial problems. Our marriage counselor is trying to help us fix our marriage, while my individual counselor is urging to get me to get a divorce immediately. My therapist is driving me nuts!

--I am especially interested in the POJA, but no, I haven't thoroughly read the principles on this site. I was just glad to find a group of people talking about infidelity resulting in pregnancy!

Sorry this was so long. Any other questions, please ask away!

Farm Girl,
I hope you live in one of those states where the XOW can't sue for back ch-support! Please check on this if you haven't already.

I HIGHLY recommend all the Harley principles which you can read about here on his site or in his books, AND both his questionnaires!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I just bought his last one (something like Fall in Love, Stay in Love I think?), which has all his ideas in one book.

IMO visitation ought to be only by joint agreement, AFTER DNA(!), and assuming that your H is either going to play Dad in the full sense. I think it only damages the kid to have a "sort of" dad, as Heavenly and other members have described in past.

I should think visitation would be especially painful for you due to the infertility. I'm sorry for your pain. (I have 2 living children but lost 4 pregnancies.) Your H's priority must be you/the marriage first.

In our case, we moved overseas before OC was born, but XOW insisted all along on teaching OC H is "dad". XOW is a former friend (with-friends-like-that, who-needs-enemies...) of mine. We send gifts for OC, but now I regret all contact. Occassionally XOW played "nice", but truly XOW is a nutcase who has twisted the whole situation to appear "my" fault <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , I'm the villan, I'm the one keeping my H away from OC <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , my gifts to OC don't count <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> only H counts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ETC.ETC.ETC.

What I'm trying to say is, if your XOW is a nutcase, she's not likely to improve with time and is worth staying away from. Contact's not worth the insanity.

Prayers,
J
in recovery 4 years and happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 18, 2002, 10:00 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>