This is my first time on this website & bulletin board. I am desparate for help. I've been married for 2 years. I had an affair about 6 months ago. The affair lasted about a month. It has been over for about 5 months now, but I am pregnant by the guy I had an affair with. We had a DNA test done about 3 weeks ago and my husband knows the baby isn't his. He filed for divorce last week and he asked me to move out. He says he still loves me, but he can't raise someone else's child. I love my husband more than anything and I don't want a divorce, but I don't have much choice. I told him I would do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. He said it hurts him to look at me, knowing I'm carrying someone else's child. I miss him like crazy and I want to work through this with him. The guy I had the affair with said he's willing to do whatever it takes for my husband & I to work things out. He said he'd take the child & raise it by himself, or he would even let my husband and I raise it without him. He said he's willing to do whatever I want him to do. But my husband insists that he will not raise someone else's child and he won't let me give the child to his father to raise him. HELP! What do I do? I want my husband back so bad. I am sorry for having the affair, and I've told him that a million times. I want to reconcile with my husband. I read the book "Surviving An Affair". It makes sense to me, and I'm willing to follow the steps in the book, but my husband won't even read the book. Is there any hope at all for my marriage to be saved? What can I do or tell my husband to make him change his mind?

Sorry to say, but this may not be fixable. If I were him, frankly, I would leave too. If he stays, under the law, he will establish a duty to the child and will be financially responsable for the child's upbringing etc.

Sorry that you're in this bind.

I am sorry you have found your self in this state. I do know how difficult it is.

I cant tell you what to do... But I can tell you what was best for me and what I did.
I found my self in the same state a few years ago... I was scared ... no ... terrified and my husband was goingt to leave if I didnt abort the child. I could not abort that was something I would not be able to live with. So I decided I should take responsibility.. I knew I would love this child and had no doubts that I wanted to keep her.
My husband left for a bit, Because I told him, I love you but I am keeping the baby, I can do it alone or with you.. you have a choice to make.. He thought about it and decided he didnt want to leave.
He was very loving during the pregnancy[I thought because he was a different person] He had actually been having an affair himself.. But for him, this is a normal pattern of behavior.
we have come along way since those discoveries, and we are now raising my daughter from om together. OM has involvement but my husband is her daddy as well, and he loves that little girl... Thye love to play together and he says he could not imagine life with out her.. except there would be less messes . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
DO you have other children ?
Maybe have your husband look at this site and read some of the concepts. Or talk to other people in his position, there are many which was a suprise to me.
I dont think you should give up yet, Your husband needs time to digest everything and make a decision. Things change all the time, what might seem hopeless att he moment, could be a blessing down the road.
again I am sorry for your pain. But hang in there and dont beg your husband to come back, it will do nothing for you...stand firm on the decision you make and dont make a decision with out knowing how it will make you feel for the rest of your life.

Been in your shoes. When I told hubby I was pregnant with xlover's baby, he went ballistic. All on front porch. What must the neighbor's have thought?!

Don't mean to make light of it. I was doing some screaming myself. Like I was sorry - from the bottom of my heart. And I'm sorry I hurt him. But I was hurting too and WE both had contributed to this mess WE were in. And he did acknowledge that...

The next morning he left for a surf trip to to Costa Rica with the guys. I didn't hear from him for days.

I sat at home, with my phone, calling my family, calling my pastor, getting on my knees and praying for guidance.

And I realized that if I had to raise this baby on my own, I would - I could.

But I preferred to raise this baby with my husband - if he would have me.

Not sure what happened on that surf trip. But he called and said he was coming home and wow - WE'RE gonna have a baby!! And he's been a real champ about the whole thing. From pregancy - the birth - and now sonny is almost 8 months old.

Not saying we haven't had some rough spots along the way, mind you. Infact, we have rough spots all the time. But we're trying and its working. Actually, truth be told? WE'RE THE BEST WE'VE EVER BEEN!

Yes, your marriage can be saved.

Noplacelikehome

Dear dspickett,

Well, as you see, you are not alone, but I also have to agree with what slapnuts had to say. Some men and women have a hard time being involved with a child from their S's xOM/OW, let alone help you raise this child on a full time basis! My H and I are raising the child that resulted from my A, and xOM never even knew that I was P! So, he was never told, and never will be! Don't get me wrong, we will tell our D when she is old enough, and her brother and sister as well. In our situation, H and I had been married 11 yrs, and together almost 15, with 2 children of the M and one that we gave up for adoption when H was still in high school, and I had just graduated. So, there was just too much history together that we had already dealt with to just give up on our M.

But, in your situation, I don't see any mention of children w/H, and it's a very normal response that you recieved from your H. I would recommend that if and when you do talk with him, don't push him to read anything or do anything. He has been severely hurt by what happened, not just the A, but the fact that you are now pregnant w/someone else's child! In his mind, that should have been his child, not the OM's child! Unfortunately, he may never get over that fact! Give him time, and don't push. I wish that I could offer something more positive, but that's how I see it. He needs to change his mind on his own, you can't decide for him.

Tigger

You were only married for a year and a half before you began your A? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> This is not a very good sign that you were ready for M but at least you've shown remorse for what you did and a willingness to save the M, which is a very good step in the right direction. Both of you need professional counseling and more so YOU.

Consider mom of five's wise words 'My husband left for a bit, Because I told him, I love you but I am keeping the baby, I can do it alone or with you.. you have a choice to make.. He thought about it and decided he didnt want to leave.'

I'm sorry for your predicament but you played Russian roulette with your M and now you must learn to live with the consequences, good or bad for not only your sake but more so for the inocent child inside you. Your H may divorce you or he might not, but just like it was your decision to have an A that threatened your M, now it is HIS decision whether he wants to be married to you or not.

Good luck and God bless.

<small>[ August 17, 2002, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

dspickett,

My wife had an affair, and I'm raising that child as my own---so it can be done. But if I was in your husband's shoes, I'm not sure I could do it. You had an affair before you hit your second anniversary. You have no children together. Your husband has never had the opportunity to raise a child, so he has no idea how it's going to be. And the two of you don't have a particularly long history together.

If I were counseling your husband, I'd see what his level of commitment to the marriage was, but I think his best option is to divorce you. And I don't normally advise divorce for anyone here...

How do you feel about the OM, and how does he feel about you (and is he single)? You'd probably be better off attempting to make a life with your child's father, if you love him and he loves you.

To dspickett

You have found the right place, and you're not alone. I'm glad I found this site myself. I don't get a lot of replies, but I sure Love reading how people have overcome there indifferences inspite of there situation.

I really like what Mom of five, had to say she stood her grounds,she didn't beg or plead for him to stay. That will make you look even more unattractive . I visited several other sites this site mainly deals with our situation.

There is is another site that will help you to apply the LAST RESORT TECHNIC . Basicly what Mom was talking about. Even you have to act as if, not saying you show no remorse, by all means let him know how sorry you really are, and he played a roll in this also. He's not responsible for your act of adultry only the breakdown in your Marriage it takes two. BEGGING AND PLEADING , please don't do that.

You can also purchase a book called DIVORCE REMEDY
it will help you with problem solving they allso have a site called web page Michelle Weiner Davis . Now in my opinion Marriagebuilders, is the better site because it deals with affairs and pregnancy, devorce busting, doesn't deal with that, they mainly teach you to change and be the person your spouse fell in love with.

Me I use both sites but this site really deals with our situation. Get what you can get from both sites, use what you can, your situation can change.

I never knew until I came to this site, there is hope. Because like I said other sites don't really address our situation. Me I'm on the other side My H. cheated on me and there is OC . I don't beleive the OC is my H. . but that's another story I'm just so gald I found this site.

Your situation can change. Just be strong if he decide to leave don't let him see you sweat. Be strong. Act as if everything is ok and you will be ok without him, when it may not be what you are really feeling, just don't let him know that, find someone you can trust to hang out with PLEASE KEEP POSTING.

<small>[ August 17, 2002, 08:39 PM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>

Since you are well into your second trimester, the option of abortion is no longer a viable one.

There are of course other options like adoption if you do not beleive that you will be able to give your child the financial and emotional support that s/he will need.

And like K said, there is also the possibility of marrying OM if he is single, loves you, and is willing to marry you. You already stated that he said he's willing to do whatever you want him to do.

But probably the most likely is for you to keep your baby and raise him/her on your own as a single mother.

Whatever you decide, the child inside you is totally inocent and deserves a home where s/he will be loved and wanted. So you must put aside any self interests behind you and do what is in the best of your child, because it will be your decisions after s/he is born that will dictate the course her/his life will take.

If your H realizes that you will no longer beg or plead for him, he just might think things over and come to the conclusion that he loves you enough that he doesn't want to loose you. But that is something that he will have to decide just like you will have to decide what the fate of the baby will be once s/he is born.

More than anything else, please seek counseling for yourself because you need to be a whole person in order to be a good parent, and all babies deserve to have good parents. And you also need to find out why you had an A so early into your M and what you can do to avoid having another one in the future.

Good luck and God bless.

<small>[ August 18, 2002, 11:42 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>