I have prayed for you a lot, Tina.

How are things going?

Still a mess?

My heart breaks over all that has happened to you.

I hope you check in and let us know my friend.

love
Debi

Tina,

I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you too. Please give us an update.

Unsure

Me too Tina. I pray that you are holding up.

MJ

Thank you for asking.
Tina

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 10:19 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

Tina,

Thank you for the update. I'm glad you had someplace else to vent. Besides that I'm speechless. You are going through so much and trying to remain so strong I'm proud of you we all have melt downs. And we all handle situations differently. You are in my thoughts and prayers good luck. And please pray for strenght, so that you can handle whatever may happen within the next few weeks.

Unsure

Tina, I too have worried about you and appreciate your update.

But, I am so angry now listening to what you have had to deal with I could spit. I would like to wring your H's neck.

I think you need to get some back bone. Please don't take this wrong. I too have been married a long time, and understand losing all your life you have created.

But your H is asking you for so much. What exactly is he giving you in exchange for all your are doing to keep the marriage together?

I see you doing any number of things-agreeing to visitation, even when it tore your heart out, agreing to incorporate two OC into a life you thought was over raising kids, tolerating the OW working with H in an office for a period of time, living with him after he once again broke his vows.

I say-let him separate.Plan B. Forget plan A. I think he is not responding to Plan A. Do Plan B and work on you. I think your daughter is right-he has not put the needs of your or his two kids with you in his mind for a long time. It is all about him the OW and their two kids. IF that is what he wants, let him have it and see what happens to his life. I think you have payed too much of a price for his lousy selfish decisions.
Sorry if this hurts you-- but this makes me so angry I am fuming.

I think you should tell him to leave and ask for a separation. And in the meantime, you call Steve Harley and get his advice. Forget about what H wants.

I think he will make you feel right. and O.k with your feelings.

YOu have a right to feel robbed, jipped, humiliated and not cared for.That is what your H is doing to you.

He reminds me of my H-we were redoing a bathroom a month before I found out about the A and OC.When I realized he told me after the bathroom was done, I remember looking at him and asking him what the remodel was all about--=why bother? He said he expected to stay with me.

And what-did he not think I would tolerate such abuse/

I told my H recently he owes me much and needs to make up much to be to regain my love. I think he got it-he never objected.

YOur H needs to do the same=-=

Separate and pLan b. You have been hurt by his acions enough.

And call steve.

Tina, I would be happy to email you privately, if you are comfortable putting your address out there.

I care about you.

unhappy wife

Dear Tina,
I was so glad to see you are still reading here and responded to my question.

I was where you are about 15 mos. ago.

I think your D and S are incredible and loyal to you seeing you did nothing but are taking, taking, taking, in order to salvage your marriage.

I think UW gave good advice in telling you to call Steve Harley. I hope you'll think about it.

Tina I know the fright you feel on living alone. You must incorporate plan B honey. It will preserve any love and feelings you have for H. It will also make you a stronger woman. You will begin to rely on yourself and your C's for more and more.

I did it.

I was just about to file for divorce when H walked back into my life and begged for another chance which I didn't want to give him. I still saw atty. but did not file for D. I gave it a little longer.

Tina please think of yourself for a moment.

Your H has done nothing but think of himself and what is right for him this past year, giving you NOT ONE THING but continued heartache.

Perhaps his moving out will let him [censored] or get off the pot. Seriously, he's playing with a bunch of human lives right now, and slightly pleasuring himself in the process. I say SLIGHTLY, because HE'S not happy either!

We'll be here for you lady....hold up your head after you cry, scream, rant, rave, and vomit.....you'll be surprised at how you can rely on yourself after a while. Also you will gain some self respect, and self confidance...honest!

While I wish nothing more than a successful M w/ your H, I feel you must let him go, if and when he's serious, you can go call Steve, counsel together, and be HONEST with how you want your life to be in order to be resonably happy.

If that doesn't include weekly visits and diaper rash and time you deserve alone after all of these years, tough crap!

Bless you Tina!

Love
Debi

Tina

I just wanted to add that the fact that I served my H's behind with D papers within days of my D-day is what saved my marriage he knew he had lost me and he fought to keep me. I think at this point Plan B has a lot of merrit. Why should you have to wait for him to decide who he wants a life with? I know I took it easy on you at first but after reading everything I really was speechless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Please put yourself first you are too good of a woman to put up with his crap. He might be confused but so are you. Again you and your's are in my thoughts and prayers.

Unsure

Tina,

no time to post right now, but I wanted to co-sign that it took eminent divorce to wake my husband up to the fact that there wasn't going to be a swinging door and i wasn't going to sit around and wait for him to "choose" me.

he called me once and asked me what i was doing and i told him, "getting myself better for the next man!"

he lost it. just the thought was enough to make him search his soul.

best of luck, i'll keep watching for your updates.

Z.

yeah... he's waffling at your expense. You still love him so much it seems, even after all he's done. AND even while he has the nerve to tell you he is undecided???

Plan B is to preserve that love so if you feel like it is running on E, I have to agree that it's time for Plan B. The affair MUST end if he wants to stay with you. Period.

Thank you all for your input.
I know that you are all right in that Plan B is the way to go.
How is it that one minute I can feel strong and ready to go on with life, and the next all those insecurities pop up and I am pleading for a second chance.
I am sure H will speed up the moving process after another long night of fruitless discussion.
I definately need some major repair work done on my self esteem.
Tina

<small>[ August 23, 2002, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

How is it that one minute I can feel strong and ready to go on with life, and the next all those insecurities pop up and I am pleading for a second chance.

Tina , you have been a great learning experience for me, and I value your opinion, But you need to value your self.. if any one should be asking for another chance it should be your husband not you.. why do You do it!? Because you have spent more than half your life with this man , he is part of you and you love him although you hate what he has done.
That is normal.. But a secret that might help.. if you act indifferent and show you have had enough, it will wake something up in him, dont ask for another chance, tell him you will be just fine[and you know you will] I am not saying to leave him I know you dont want to, but show him you are strong and wont take this any more.

He did this not you, dont blame your self.

Tina, I will email you soon, but did want to say I know how scarey thinking of leaving H must be for you. You and I are similar-so much time spent with one man.

But this man, as mine, is not the same one we fell in love with. I really don't know how my H, nor yours, became so different from the way they once were. THis man,your H, is still disrespecting you by continuing to be with OW.

I heard Dr. Joy Brown say she has little patience for anyone in an A-not only is it disrespectful to the WS's partner-I know for me, that really hurt-=but it is disrespecting oneself, by betraying a marriage vow that was not supposed to be broken. I must agree.

YOu did not break the vow, but seem to be the only one in your marriage trying to keep it together.

Do you work outside the home? If not, I think you need to do something out of home to strengthen oneself. If not employment, volunteer work, classes, groups, extracurricular stuff, etc.Get a life separate from H. Let the chips fall where they may.

Look at it this way-- if your daughter's husband, in future, did this to her, would you not advise her to do what is best for her, not wait for H to change his ways?

I will be in touch.

Unhappy wife

Tina, honey....it just hit me....if he does leave you for OW and OC's.....instead of him paying CS anymore.....you hit him up for a huge CHUNK of alimony....now they get to pay you...

You will make it and survive out of this one...we are behind you 100%....

Hugs and prayers,
Twiisty

How is your mom doing???

It sounds like you raised good kids. They will help you. You can do whatever needs to be done. You just have to have faith in yourself on this one.

Some tasks seem so daunting when you look at the whole, big picture, but if you just take one day at a time and do one thing at a time, one moment at a time, next thing you know--you are making noticeable progress!

Establish your own credit as a start--maybe AmEx. Save money or get some money. Start uncluttering your home (in case you have to move). Let him know you are serious even tho you feel like a wreck. Get busy. He has proven to be very unreliable and you deserve more than that after all you have devoted to him. Now, show him you mean business. Go by your faith, not your emotions. Your emotions are all over the place right now and understandably. Set them on the shelf right now and take care of business, woman! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

???

What if you planned (long-term) as if you are going to break up, but live (daily) as if he is going to stay.

In other words, start taking care of little things that will strengthen your long-term position. It doesn't mean you are giving up on your marriage or your H, I think it simply means that you are not giving up on YOURSELF!

Thank you all for your comforting, prayers, and shoulder to cry on.

Tina

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

Tina, take the antidepressants. It will help you sort out what you want and help you cope, I took them and they were a godsend.

Let us know how you are today.

Dear Tina,
At least you have a home...and if you need to sell it you'll have a little money.

Honey I know this has been hard for you. The anti-depressants will help you over any hurdles a little better.

I think it's admirable you're helping that man who is your H? move in, it'll only allow him to remember how nice you are.

As for your parents not knowing, you are strong to go there and act "as if".

You have more strength than you know.

As for making a living, please don't worry...in most courts, if it should come to a D, the older wife is considered unmarketable and is usually awarded a sum of alimony to help her get on. Please take it...after all of your years you deserve that "back pay".

Please remember to pray for the path you should take, Tina.

Bless you and future peace even though it never seems possible now, it will come in an unexpected way.
love
Debi

<small>[ August 21, 2002, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>