Background. We dated in our early 20s and went our separate ways for 9 years. He looked me up as an old friend.... we were married October 2001.

The one major issue for him has been our house, particularly my cats (cubs). I don't keep the litter box clean enough. Mr. Blue gets bloody sneezes and I don't attend to the spray on the walls. (He has had a $200 nasal scope at the vet - it is chronic imflammatory disease, no cancer).

At any rate, last Thursday, after a year of intermittant sex (if that, I counted 5 times this year), I finally said, "Are you mad at me?"

"There's no easy way to say this," he says, "I've been thinking that maybe we're just cut out to be friends and not married. I've been sick over this for three weeks and no matter which way I look at it, I always come up with the same solution. We should probably just go our separate ways. You're happy with who you are, as you should be, and I'm happy with who I am and I don't see that changing. I'm not happy and I don't think you are either."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So I go into overdrive with the house. It's nearly company ready. He has been push and pull since he said these things. One day kisses me goodbye in the morning, the next day, just leaves the house without a word.

That's what happened this morning. I called him on his cell phone and asked if we were going to talk about this. "When I make up my mind, that's usually it," he says.

I am of course a complete mess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I tell him our marriage is worth saving, he means more to me than a lifetime of habit.

"It's all well and good that you've cleaned the house," he says, "But I'm not buying it. The same thing happened with my stepfather. He'd beat my mom, come back and be sorry, and once things were good again, he'd be back to the same person."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It seems these roots of feeling are very deep. At the same time, I am not his stepfather, and I am not beating his mother. I am his wife and willing to do whatever needs done to secure our relationship.

Any thoughts?

Thanks,
Jen.

<small>[ December 21, 2004, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: jmnw ]</small>

And wait - it gets better. He told me yesterday that he's leaving for Phoenix today to stay with his friends until Sunday. I wish me a Merry Christmas...

Well no one else has chimed in so let me be the first to say Hi.

Can I ask how long you have known he had an issue with the house?

My wife had a serious issue with my getting a dog. They smell at times, they shed, muddy paw prints on the floor. I hae been able to address every issue but the smell, and he only smells after a skunk ( he hasnt learned yet ) or a track through a swamp. ( I even smell then. lol)

But if you didnt see the dog, or his dish you wouldnt know we had one. It takes alot of work at times, but no hair from shedding, towel off his feet when he comes inside. He was banned from all but one chair in the house. ( but I did catch HER letting him on OUR WATERBED a few times)

So if it is a real issue for him, can you keep it up the way he wants? Is it worth it? If it wasnt for the fact mine is a working dog I doubt I would go through the hassle just for a pet. But he has turned out to be the best dog we have ever had.

Hi John.
Thanks for the reply. Of course I am willing to keep the house as he prefers it. I've known about the "issue" all along - about 6mos. to a year into the marriage, he expressed discontent with the way the house was. (He also knew I wasn't a natural born housekeeper before we were married.)
He would withdraw from me and withhold, and I'd ask him about it, and he'd say it was the house. I guess I listened to him, but I never really heard him until now. Until he says he thinks we should go our separate ways.
Ouch.
I never understood the priority it was for him, because it wasn't as important to me. It was a 10 for him, but a 3 for me, and I never extended myself to "get" how much it meant to him.
I have made inroads, and there is still work to be done with my clothes. Purchased an armoire to help with that issue.
He left for work yesterday morning, and that's it. Haven't seen hide nor hair of him since. No phone call. He went to the airport straight from work, and he'll be home Sunday. He was good enough to give me that info. on Tuesday night, and so far that's all I know.
I made a call to his cell phone today - of course got his voicemail. I was light, said "hi" and wanted to see if you made it there safe, and you can't believe the snow here - the dog is up to her shoulders outside and hopping around like a kangaroo to get through the snow.
My aim is to let him have his space and not crumble into a pathetic nothing of a person who has been abandoned by her husband for Christmas. NOT the Christmas gift I was expecting!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I have my chores laid out for me while he's gone, and I'll just do my best with that.
I've read some information that says at a point like this, the best you can do is remain upbeat and happy (it's hard to leave a happy person), be understanding and don't get on the defensive. Don't chase, and they can't run. Makes sense to me.
Of coure I am a wreck inside, but I know I will be ok on the "other side" of this - whatever it may be. With him is my preference. Without I will still survive.
I think my best option is to be supportive of him. After all, his friends that he is spending Christmas with aren't dismissing his needs - they are being supportive of his feelings. And his feelings are A #1 in his book right now. He isn't concerned with me being left on Christmas, he is concerned with his own state of mind and considering escape.
I don't want to push him further in that direction.

Jen.

You know, I have found in my own relationship, that sometimes when he has asked me to change something... I have shrugged it off not thinking it was at all important. Sometimes it was the way I wore my hair, other times it was just doing or saying specific things... anything really... but I guess it really did boil down to emotional needs.

For your husband, it sounds like having a traditional wife is an emotional need. And, if it isn't a traditional wife, it is a clean house.

One thing I do understand is that he feels that when there is a problem in the relationship, it usually doesn't change. In older times... like with my own parents... it didn't change, especially when abuse was involved. I believe that is where his comment came up about his parents not changing. It is the cycle of things, usually with abuse though. NOT usually about housecleaning and other simple matters within a marriage. So, just as he and I both saw in our childhoods... the words "I'll change" really didn't mean anything at all!

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is change... if it is worth it to you. And, show that it is a permanent change! Even better, if finances allow it, maybe hire someone in to do a little cleaning so you and your husband will have more time to focus on each others other marital needs now that the main problem is out of the way. Finally, I think you are doing the right thing by just giving him his space. No, maybe being alone at Christmas might not be the greatest thing that could happen but maybe it would be really nice to do something nice to him.

Here is what I would do: Explain that you understand that you didn't take him seriously... also explain that you will change because you have conciously decided to, not because you feel bad that he wants to leave... but because you care about his feelings. Another thing I would try is not being angry. He would get a hug when he gets home and maybe even a Christmas gift... OR, even ask him to participate in your own special Christmas day the next weekend! There are all kinds of things you could do... Good luck!

Hi almostmarried,
I liked your comment, "Even better, if finances allow it, maybe hire someone in to do a little cleaning so you and your husband will have more time to focus on each others other marital needs now that the main problem is out of the way."
Wouldn't you know it, but I had a professional organizer come in some three or four weeks ago. His take on it was, "Do whatever you need to do, but I won't be here" - and he left. I told him later about her suggestions for getting me on the right track, and he said, "We shouldn't have to have someone come into our house to fix this, you should be doing it on your own."
So there you go. I'm shooting an arrow at what I think is the problem, and he moved the target!

Jen.

Mind you, my dog is not a " Pet " but one of the ground rules that was set when I took him on was that there would be no added expense above what would go with having a dog. No professional dog groomer, no kennel if we take a trip he goes with us or stayed with family/friends.

In a way I can see his point. If it is all about the cats, its a responsibility thats goes with having them. Now if it goes beyond the cats, if you can afford it, I love the idea of having someone come in to help with the house. But thats what my boys are for. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Some more thoughts here on Christmas morning ALONE!!
My one friend had me laughing so hard. He said that he's probably with his Pagan wife and vowed to her he would forsake his Christian wife on the most holy of Christian holidays, and that they're probably dancing around a fire deciding if they should raise their children Druid.
I was thinking last night that this is about the most cowardly thing I've ever seen anyone do. "I'm mad" <insert foot stomp> "I'm going away. So there!"
My man, my husband, my protector, my champion, ran away like a little girl. Please.
Another thought - he must have his mind made up for good, and doesn't plan to be around next Christmas if he's pulling a stunt like this -- my entire family is going to think he's some kind of [censored]. Why would he plan on showing his face again?
My dad says it's emotional blackmail. If I don't get my way, I'll just leave. I'll show you!!

Ah well. Just had to ramble. More cleaning to do and then Christmas dinner with my mom, dad and grandma.

Hope everyone is having a beautiful holiday!

Jen.

jmnw,

Actually, I would have to agree with your dad--

And I'm curious who is this 'friend' he went off to spend Christmas with??

It sounds as if he might be having an affair--and the 'real' issue isn't the clean house--it's the affair--but he's using the house as his excuse--
much like what FHL's husband did--

Thorned Rose -
"Friend" is Tony & Michelle - a couple who he is friends with - they have three daughters (he introduced them) - we spent part of our summer vacation with them.
Of course I didn't discount the affair thing - kept having dreams about it, and told him that I don't have anything else, so this (our marriage) is my whole gig. He, on the other hand, seems to have some outside support somewhere because he is able to make this decision.
Anyway, he told me there isn't anyone else, he is just so unhappy in our circumstance. That could or could not be true. Why would I know? I'm only his wife, right?!

Jen.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jmnw:
<strong> Thorned Rose -
"Friend" is Tony & Michelle - a couple who he is friends with - they have three daughters (he introduced them) - we spent part of our summer vacation with them.
Of course I didn't discount the affair thing - kept having dreams about it, and told him that I don't have anything else, so this (our marriage) is my whole gig. He, on the other hand, seems to have some outside support somewhere because he is able to make this decision.
Anyway, he told me there isn't anyone else, he is just so unhappy in our circumstance. That could or could not be true. Why would I know? I'm only his wife, right?!

Jen. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I like your attitude towards his possibility of having an affair. It sounds like he is not, it sounds like he is just mad. I don't know if you have ever read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" or not, but sometimes men have to go into their "cave"... Your husband obviously didn't do it the right way or at the right time, but it is possible that is all he is doing.

Men know other men, so your dad is probably right!

But, thinking back to an episode of Dr. Phil that I have watched... if you really want your husband to come home, make it a safe place for him to be. I know you want to shout from the roof tops about what a little girl he is acting like... but, don't. Clean up your act. Leave your home open for him to come back to and keep your heart open to him too. There are probably some issues that he hasn't told you about, so give him a chance to let it all out.