Without going into the long story side of things...I need to know how do you counter disrespectful judgments??? I need to dig up some more of my Harley research and re-read some things....BTDT...can you find a link for me???

Thing is, Mr."T" is guilty of disrespectful judgments whereas I am guilty of angry outbursts (but since being on zoloft that has stopped dramatically....something Mr."T" readily admits to the MC)....the problem is when I try to discuss things in a calm rational matter to Mr."T" (about things other than this sordid three night stand and the problems associated with it) he clams up...withdraws.....and then if pressed gently for a resolution, throws in my face several disrespectful judgments and things that he swears aren't true, but said to hurt and deeply wound me to get off his back.

I'm tired of it and told him and plan to tell him in front of the MC that that has to be worked on...because it's like the boy who cried wolf too many times...say enough hurtful things that deeply wound and then what do I believe from his mouth? The truth or the angry things he says that may have a kernal of truth because he avoids conflict like the plague and then throws something out to wound me to get me off his back....

I won't get into the latest that he threw in my face (It involved something about he not having any friends and it's my fault and that i keep him under house arrest...which is not true and I have people who will attest to the fact that I am more than fair....) then later he tells me that it wasn't true and that he wanted to hurt me.
I can't live like that....it's far and few between...but still....I refuse to have that in my life.

Thanks for listening...I hope this rambling makes sense....any tips on trying to effectively communicate with a conflict avoider??? Even the Marriage counselor said that my communication skills are excellent and I tell him very nicely what the situation is and I don't do it "wrong"...I just don't get it at times...

*sigh*

Twiisty

Hi T,

I'm in a rush so I'll talk to you behind the scenes just wnated you to know I was thinking about you.

Tee

Twiisty

Most disrespectful judgments are a way to divert something perceived as an uncomfortable exchange and to create a smokescreen to avoid facing themselves for a time. Honestly and carefully speaking to your husband when he throws you a curve ball, like plucking something out of the air completely off the subject, is something that requires practice. You need to learn to disarm him.

When he says something like he feels like he is under house arrest, you could counter with, "I know it probably feels that way to you, but it is really about me and my fears about what will happen when you aren't here with me. I am still fragile and need you to reassure me that you love me and are recommitted to me."

That takes it off of him and puts it back on you, making you the focus and not him. It would then be difficult for him to take your request personally and could make him more sensitive to how you feel and what this is doing to you without making him feel like a [censored].

It's all in the delivery, T, and I think once you learn how to construct your sentences for now, after a while you won't have to work so hard at it and he will become less defensive. After a while, you won't have to walk on eggshells and be able to relax and say how you feel without an negative reaction from him.

Choosing your battles are important too because sometimes it is very appropriate to NOT mince words to shock someone back into reality and out of denial. Learning where that fine line is can be difficult, so just trrust your instincts.

It's a lot of work for us, isn't it? It's hard not to be resentful that we have to jump through so many hoops while they act like they are the wounded souls, but then, they are wounded, too. For some reason women seem to have a better handle on how to diffuse because we usually aren't so afraid of emotions. That in itself pretty much leaves the burden on us.

A therapist can help you do exercises in communicating these things to your husband in a way that is non-threatening.

Just a suggestion. I know it works for me around here.

Catnip =^^=

Dear T,

When you find a solution, will you let me know? :-) Mr. J is very quilty of this. His occur when he is rageful. He is intentionally trying to hurt.

Sometimes, simple one or two word answers have arrested a tirade:

Hey, hey, who do you think your are talking to?

Ouch

Excuse me? (said in a shocked tone as if you can't believe what you just heard--got this one from Miss Manners)

Once his mother and I were trying to join a sports conversation at the dinner table with his parents and he said
"It's a waste of time trying to explain it to you.

I stayed very calm and very controlled and said in a shocked tone of voice "How unkind of you. What a rude thing to say."

He immediately backed down, apologized and filled us in on the details we were missing to be able to participate in the conversation.

My counselor suggested simply removing myself from his presence. You speak to me that way and you lose the right to speak to me (for the time being).

So, let me know what works. My favorite tactic--screaming and using vulgar language doesn't usually work very well--any ideas why? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

MJ

twiisty;

Discuss this with your husband, but I'd suggest that you try a catch phrase, like 'Hey hon, I feel that this is a disrespectful judgement..." It's stilted and Harleyesque enough to trigger him to shut the heck up.

From there, he needs to learn how to rephrase. If he's doing this on purpose, this really isn't in the normal "disrespectful judgement" category---this category is normally reserved for those well-intentioned instructions that geniuses like myself give to my wife with the sole intent of illuminating her impoverished mind with my blinding brilliance.

He's basically using 'angry outbursts' with a bent towards disrespect. He needs to learn anger management skills and communication skills to deal with those "kernels of truth" that are bothering him. But the best way to diffuse this is to bring it to his attention quickly and politely---before the fighting takes place. Also, although your MC says your communication skills are terrific---ask Mr. T what you could do differently to bring up these topics that wouldn't cause him to stress like this.

Twiisty,

I am so sorry that you are being hurt in this way! I don't know what else to tell you, as the other's have given you some wonderful advice! I agree with you brining it up in C w/H there! He needs to know how much this really does hurt when he uses those words, or statements about/towards you! As always, I offer you my prayers and hugs!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Twiisty}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Love,

Tigger