Hi All,

I've been lurking for a couple pf weeks and finally got the courage to post.

Here's my dilemma:

I am 13 weeks pregnant and supporting myself and two kids. I have been in a relationship with the father for almost three years. He wants me to terminate the pregnancy and still wants to continue the relationship. We've discussed marriage too. He states that he does not want a biological child of his own but will be completely open to raising mine.

I am terrified of raising another child as a single mother. I am heart broken as to what to do, and have been trying to do what is best for everyone. I have gone to the clinic three times to try and take care of the situation, but each time something prevents that from ocurring.

I'n angry at myself for not being strong enough for this unborn child, and I'm sad that my kids will suffer if I follow through with the pregnancy.

Any thoughts out there?

Hello,
is the father married? This is a place where there was a child born from an Affair.

Dawn

No,

I was the WS and left for the OP. The father is the OP. My X was trying to reconcile with me when this happened. Boy was it a Fog lifter for me.

I dont have much time,
But if you are not able to support a child and the father is not intrested you can always consider adoption. There are many childless couples whom would love the opportunity to love your child.

Your other option of course is abortion, But that is a choice you have to know can you live with and accept.
Or you can have a child and raise him or her with your other children and force this man to accept responsibility and pay child support.
I think I would question a man who would love my children but found reasons he would not accept his own, sounds like a way out of responsibility to me.
Just a thought.
I know its tough but you have to make a decision based on your children not what op person wants. He has already proven he is not responsible.
Good luck and You might try speaking with your pastor, minister, a counselor, maybe a friend or family member, Maybe they can help more.

OMTM,

I have a couple questions, then I will let you know what came to mind for me when I read your post. The biggest one is are you still married? Second, what are your (x)H's feelings about this pregnancy? And, do you still want to reconcile w/H?

Ok, now, I don't know how this will go over with you, or some others on this board, but I think that since you can't go through w/abortion, but OM doesn't want to raise his own biological child, have you thought of adoption? Yes, it is a difficult decision to make, but it could be what's best for you and this innocent child. You clearly state that you do not want to raise yet another child as a single parent, but there are so many couples out there who would love to have a child to raise! Would OM be willing to do this as well, or to sign away his rights, giving you the ok to go ahead with adoption?

That's just what I feel when I read your post.

Tigger

No I am not married. Never have been, but felt that I was to the X. Wanted that VERY much. That's a long story.

Actually I have sought out couples that desire to have children and have found two that I would consider. I'm not sure if I could be self less enough to give it up after birth though. God I sound so selfish.

I agree that I finally have seen the light about MR. Non-Comittal. I am constructing a No contact letter because regardless of the P, I want a marriage and family and he can't give this to me.

I have thought long and hard about the issue of reconciliation with the X. I realized once the FOG dissapated that I still have feelings for him but have denied it as a protection to myself. I very much would like to start over, but I think that it's too late and that I've done too much damage. I am sincerely sorry and wish to heal the friendship. I would be completely dedicated to making it work if he would give me a second chance.

I've never asked him to come home (I've been gone for a year) or have even been willing to listen to his side of things because I was so sure that I was the "victim" and he was the "evil one". It's funny how time changes that perspective.

OMTM,

Well, I have gone through giving a child up for adoption, and you are correct, it is something that is selfless, and is also very difficult. I know that I was not going to hold the baby, but found that I was drawn to do so. I know now that it was the right choice, both holding her and going through with the adoption. I know that we were too young, and if we had kept her, I don't believe that we would have made it as far as we have, even with our problems. It is a wonderful thing, to give a couple a chance at parenthood! There is nothing wrong with giving a child to a family who is more able to raise. In fact, I have two cousins who are adopted, another cousin who has adopted their son, and my H has a cousin who is also adopted! I also know many who have adopted their children as well.

There are also ways to go about an adoption as well. You can have a semi-closed adoption, as ours is, we don't know the family personally, and the last thing we got was a picture of our D when she was 3 mos old. She is now almost 15! We also had in the adoption papers that when she is 18 or older, if she wants to find us, we will be there for her. If she has no need to find us, we will not seek her out, as we don't want to intrude into her life. You can also have it so that you get periodic letters from the parents, and are able to send birthday presents and such. And many different variables between. Think long and hard about your decision, as it's not just your life, but also the child's life that will forever be affected.

Just a little more insight to adoption. If you have any specific questions, I am more than happy to answer them for you.

Tigger

Dear OMTM,

You do not sound selfish at all. You sound like a woman who cares about her children. Like tigger, I can also confirm that it is very difficult to give up a child. But, even though my life took tragic turns later on (infertility), I would not change the decision that I made when I was young and completely unable to care for a child.

But, this is a decision that you must think about very carefully. It is not an easy one and is not the answer for everyone.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Once the fog lifts, you do see things in a completely different way. Perhaps a year of separation has also changed your ex's thinking. Why not talk to him and give it a try? You have nothing to lose and pride has kept many couples apart who could be great together.

My prayers are with you in this difficult situation. I hope you will soon find the solution that is right for you.

love,
heavenly

OMTM,

You do not sound selfish, you sound very confused.

I know it hurts to be let down by someone you love. I have 1 child whom I am raising and although I was scared when I found out I was pregnant by MM, I never regretted giving him life.
I know you have other children so you already know the love and sacrafice parents share for their children.
I only ask that you do not make this choice for your boyfriend. Make it for you and for this child. If you decide on adoption, that is a wonderful gift for your baby and for another couple who longs for a baby of their own to love and care for. If you change your mind at the end and find you can not go through with the adoption, there is help available to you. Please seek out your options in this regard now. There is help for you financially both through legal avenues and through development programs and assistance. There is help for you, please do not feel there is no way out except to abort this child.
True love is selfless and you have it in you to do the right thing by your unborn child.
Any man who asks you to terminate the pregnancy and continue on with him seems unworthy and then some dear friend.

Warm Regards,
CM

Thank You all for the feedback.

Something inside keeps telling me that abortion is not the answer. I believe in divine intervention and when I realized that I was being turned away from this procedure so many times, I had to face the fact that some higher power was trying to prevent me from following through with something I would always regret.

I will think about all of your good advice long and hard. I'ts not easy, but having people to turn to like all of you makes it a little less painful.

Thanks again.

OMTM,

Well, I am glad that you were able to find this site! I know what you mean about divine intervention! Abortion was the first thing that H and I thought of, but the only number I could find, that looked like that type of clinic, was for a Crisis Pregnancy center. If you don't have one in your area, it's a christian based, non-profit group that helps women out with pregnancy, single parenting, and adoption, so they, obviously, won't help you find a place to get and abortion! Needless to say, something wouldn't let me hang the phone up for over 15 min! I didn't try to find another place after that. I actually called my parents! So, I also feel that you are being "prevented" from going through with the procedure, and for a reason!

If you have any questions about giving a child up for adoption, as you know, there are at least 2 here who have gone through it, and know what it involves! There are also at least 2 who have adopted children, although I believe both were when the children were a little older, and one was from Russia, but they can help you out from that end of the situation as well! Keep coming here for support, questions and anything else you can think of! We will all help as much as we can!

Love,

Tigger

It sounds like you are in a real bad situation. My advice would be to get rid of that fetus ASAP.

If you chose the termination route, could you live with it. What are your views on that issue? I have a friend who many years ago, at the insistance of her boyfriend aborted a baby. She tried to commit suicide afterwards. So don't do anything that you cannot live with next week, next year, 20 years from now.

Do you know how developed a 13 week fetus is? I do, I miscarried at 13 weeks. My H and I saw, held and touched the baby. If you want to know, just ask and I will tell you.

I'm not going to get into an argument of right and wrong. For myself, and knowing what I know, I could never terminate a pregnancy. However, I have a strong belief in choices, so now I believe in informed choices.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sue with hope:
<strong>...So don't do anything that you cannot live with next week, next year, 20 years from now.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is the worst advice for living one's life that I have ever heard.

Ever.

OMTM,

I was just wondering how you were doing? If you have the time, give us an update. We are here for any support we can give!

Tigger

Hi Gordon

I myself think all the advice was good including
Sue. If you get honest, How many times in your life, you made bad choices and it comes back to haunt you years down the road. I know I have.

I aborted a child, it bothers me to think what this child could have contribute to the world so forth and so on. I don't know about you but a lot of us when the fog lifts, have a conscious.

To the original postee

Do what you feel in your heart, pay attention to your gut instinct it will not lead you astray
meaning the God voice. See if your ex may be open to reconcile.

My H cause me a lot of pain, I did the same to him
not to the extent he did to me, but we still hurt each other, We are both open to reconcile. Be honest and talk to your ex.

It was by no accident you stumble here, and for the OP me myself I feel, if he was willing to cheat with you, while you were in a relationship, what's the possibility he will cheat on you as well think about it.

Good Luck

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Gordo44:
<strong>It sounds like you are in a real bad situation. My advice would be to get rid of that fetus ASAP.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gordo44,

She isn't in that bad a situation by any stretch. She seems to want her BABY. Such an easy way out to have an abortion..huh. It may seem easy NOW perhaps or perhaps not so easy. If she has doubts, my advice is NOT TO GET RID OF ANYONE. There is help available for her and her children.

CM

[qb] </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sue with hope:
[qb]...So don't do anything that you cannot live with next week, next year, 20 years from now.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is by far the best advice to live by. Very good advice indeed.

<small>[ August 28, 2002, 08:47 AM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Gordo44:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sue with hope:
<strong>...So don't do anything that you cannot live with next week, next year, 20 years from now.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is the worst advice for living one's life that I have ever heard.

Ever.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who are you and why do you think the best advice I've read here is the worst advice for living one's life?

You must be very young and unscathed by regret and remorse to say something so preposterous.

Living with regret and remorse is debilitating and destructive. Shame and guilt squeeze the soul and breaks the heart.

"To thine own self be true"

Catnip =^^=

The issue of abortion is a very sensitive one with me. I'm not judging anyone who has made this choice but I am offended by the post made by Gordo. It is delivered in a malicious context.
It was written a very uncaring manner. So much so, that I feel it necessary to put out a warning to one_mistake_too_many. This poster,Gordo44 registered on 8/27/02, and if you do a lookup on the posts made by this individual, they were all on this same date. They are all over the board, in general, preg/child, recovery... and they are pretty much made in the same cold, calious manner.
You are an intelligent person OMTM, take this persons post for what it's worth..
Worthless and full of selfishness.

Regards,
CM