It's been a year since my H told me about his A and the OC. I decided to give our marriage one more year to see how I would feel then. Well, we've tried, my love bank is still empty, I have no respect for my H, and I'm emotionally drained. I've given the best years of my life to this man and I have no more to give. I guess you can say that I have been hurt beyond repair.

This forum has been great, knowing that others have been there. Is there anyone out there who divorced as a result of the A and OC? Any advise (either way...divorce or stay together). What should I do next?

BonMarie,

so sorry to hear you post and you sounding so down and out.

I guess I'd like more info before commenting on your situation.

during you year of recovery, did you guys actively persue counseling? is H out of the fog? Have you read any books on forgiveness? (i like Twiisty's version of forgiveness. it means you don't have to forget, you just can't hold it over someone's head anymore.) Are you following MB principles? Is your husband?

Do you have contact and/or visiation? Is OW a presence in your life?

Did you know it takes well over a year to recover from a betrayal such as this?

How long was H's affair? I can tell you that until we were in recovery for as long as he was in the affair I didn't feel like I was over the hump.

Do you attend church? Does your H? Getting in touch with a higher power will do wonders for you. It's such a comfort to be able to dump bad feelings and thoughts on your God's doorstep. You walk away with a light heart.

I'll post more after you respond,
Z.

<small>[ August 22, 2002, 01:05 AM: Message edited by: zebrababy ]</small>

Dear Bon Marie

You sound so sad and I am so sorry. But, don't despair, the first year is the tougest.

Our first year was like yours, even our second. but now we are in our fourth and I cannot tell you how wodnerful things have become between us. But it took a long time, a lot of patience and seeing it through the long haul. I could have given up, I almost did on many occasions, but coming here and posting and working the Harley principles restored my marriage.

Just when it looks as if things couldn't get worse, they do...and just when you thin there will never be any recovery, it begins. There will always be a step forward and two steps back in something of this magnitude. The horrible things you have suffered don't go away over night and restoration is a slow process. But it does happen and happen often.

On Ohbratti's thread I wrote a little something about the changes in our marriage. As I was writing these things, it dawned on me that I really don't talk about them much and I should. It gave me such hope to read what I wrote and made me realize the journey sometimes can have a glorious end. I have been too busy to look at it much lately and forget sometimes to stop and appreciate the progress.

We are divorced but living as we always have...married. We were only divorced to protect me from having my portion of our equity attached by unreasonable support mandates.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Bon Marie. Don't give up just yet. Ther may be better things ahead for you. Do you and your hsuband have children together? How long have you been married? Tell us more about what is going on and maybe someone will come up with better suggestions.

Catnip =^^=

Marriages don't follow a "time" line. Please don't look at the clock when it comes to overcoming such devastating news as A and OC.

It will take time, and I think that you are wise to have set a goal of a year to measure progress. You can see what has changed (something, somewhere has!) and look to see what still needs changing.

From your post, I would say that your Love Bank is empty, empty, empty. Your emotional needs are NOT being met! You may have even entered into a medical depression after hearing all the terrible news and living in such pain for a year.

Dr. Harley is really big on seeing your doctor and assessing the need for anti-depressive pills. There's no reason to make the hill steeper or impossible to climb.

In addition, walking outdoors, drinking enough water, watching funny movies/comedy, and turning up the music and dancing around your home can bring up your mood in minutes!

An optimistic mood can help you see solutions where none existed before.

Keep working with your husband. Be relentless, use the Policy of Joint Agreement. Follow the Basic Concepts. Go on dates, and spend 15 hours a week face to face. Email him parts of the site that helped you. Do all of the questionaires together....

And keep posting... the road dips and sways, but everything works out in the end. No matter what, you are on a journey of self discovery and healing.

Good Luck!