Dearest Heavenly,

I just read three of your postings and I have to tell you how wonderful and soothing you are and your advice is....I am so thankful you are back here on a regular bais...your counsel is so crucial to the recovery here.

Love

Catnip =^^+

My dear friend, Catnip,

The last two days have been so wonderful for me. I am so happy to be sharing real feelings and being wrapped in the caring that comes from so many wonderful men and women on this Board.

I have stayed away for a while. I spend my days fighting -- either figuratively through preparing cases or actually through the courtroom -- so it is important that my leisure time is relaxing and productive.

So much has been going on and I feel awful for not updating my old friends. Just as I am beginning to feel whole again, the anniversary of the twins' death is just around the corner -- next month. It has been the hardest year of my life.

Miscarriages were awful. But actually holding those babies as they slipped away was the most devastating ordeal of my life. It is something that I have learned to cope with, but will certainly never truly get over.

They were born with massive brain hemmorhaging -- I am told this is a general problem with preemies. Most preemies have them, but they are at a controllable level. Both my babies were at the highest level, 5 and it was pretty bleak from the beginning. They had scores of other problems also associated with them simply being born too soon.

Every time God closes a door, He opens a window. My window was the way that my H took charge and blossomed from this catastrophe. In the past, with the miscarriages, he really did not show his feelings. This time he truly shared his grief with me and that helped tremendously to get me back on track. I could not believe that he actually came to MB for help. I knew at that moment that our marriage had been rebuilt to a better point than I even imagined.

I also started to think a lot about children and what they mean to parents. Suddenly, the living children took on a special importance, including the OC. I spoke very honestly with my H about the OC and asked him to try visitation again. (Yes, Catnip, those words actually came from my mouth...)

While I am not sorry for the attempt, it sort of opened Pandora's box and we had to put the lid back on almost as soon as we started. The OW was so used to having my H sneak around to see the child and I guess that became a little secret that they "shared". As soon as I was involved, she no longer wanted her child to see her father.

She played all sorts of games -- not being home when we showed up, telling the OC not to accept anything from us, telling the poor girl that she had to be careful around me because I might hurt her, and even asking the OC who she thought was prettier, nicer -- her or me.

End result, a very confused child and a very angry me and H. Surprisingly my H was much more angry at her than I was. I feel sorry for her and was trying to give her time to get used to the idea of all of us being involved in her daughter's life. But, she made a fatal mistake that made my H stop all visitation and he says it is over this time.

The OW has a habit of making horrible and mean remarks to me when my H cannot hear her. Well this time, we were standing in her foyer and the OC took my H to her room to get a doll she forgot. The OW immediately turned to me and said "Why are you so interested now? Don't think you are going to steal my child because your kids died." I was so shocked I just turned around to walk out of the house and my H was standing at the other side of the foyer. He had turned around instead of following the OC down the hall and he heard what the OW said.

He went ballistic and I simply walked out and waited for him in the car. He told me that he would not allow her to speak to me in that manner and that he would end visitation because it was obvious that she was not going to be adult about it.

In retrospect, perhaps we did not have enough planning. Because of the way he hid his visitation in the past, my H wanted me to be involved in every aspect. Maybe this was too much, too soon for the OW. Or, perhaps it was the signal to her that whatever dreams and hopes she still had about my H making a family with her were now officially ended. Either way, it must have been very hard for her. This situation is hard on everyone involved.

We pay plenty of CS. We both want the OC to have everything that she needs. I am sorry that it did not work out, but at the same time, I feel that at least I tried.

I have replayed the scenes so many times in my mind. I have asked myself did I overstep my boundaries with her. I was polite. I never tried to make the OC believe that I was her mother -- not even a stepmother -- only a caring adult. I know she is bitter and that she still loves my H. And the fact that we are now acting as a team must have been very hard for her. I can see that she was probably able to manipulate my H quite a bit when he was keeping these things from me.

So, that's my sad tale. I feel bad that my H cannot get to know the OC, but I think that she was being harmed more by having pressure placed on her to "choose" who she loved. No child should have to face such ridiculous demands.

And, Cat, thanks for your post. I don't do anything special but if things I say make you feel better than I am happy for it and happy to be here.

love,
heavenly

<small>[ August 24, 2002, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: heavenlybody26 ]</small>

Oh My LORD! Save us from people like that...

OH HEAVENLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm utterly flabergasted. Your story is stunning. That XOW could be so incredibly cruel not only to you, but to her own child batters the senses.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{heavenly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Dear Lord, please wrap Yourself around Heavenly and Mr. H as they endure the first anniversary of their profound losses. In Jesus' name,
Amen

And the people of God all said "Amen and amen."

Heavenly, I pray that you are granted peace on the anniversary of the death of your children. I am sure that they are safe with God, not that that makes your loss any less difficult.

MJ

Heavenly,

I am very sorry for the loss of your babies.

What she said to you is about the cruelist thing I've read yet on this site. It galls and chokes me.

It is truly sad that ow puts herself before her child. She has ruined any chance that little girl has to know her father. How selfish. Its too bad there couldn't be someother way for you and H to visit with child where you wouldn't have to see or hear from her mother. Thats me again, going off into dreamland I know. It is so sad that children suffer at the hands of self-centered adults like ow. Wasnt' she the one who wanted to stop visits before when you and H stopped attending family functions?

I am so sorry this act of reaching out and kindness has turned for the worst.

CM

Dear Jenny, MJ and CM,

Thank you for your expressions of concern and caring.

I am dreading this first anniversary for the obvious reason -- the first is the worst. But also because I was such a wreck for such a long time after the loss, I am praying now that the anniversary won't send me into a relapse into depression.

I am sharing my feeling with my H and we are talking about it which helps to get the awful feelings out instead of internalizing them.

Jenny, CM, leaving the issue of ex-OW and W aside, I simply cannot believe that another woman, who is also a mother, could say such a thing to a woman who had lost not one, but two babies. That is exactly why I was speechless and just turned to walk through the door. There was nothing else to say to a person like that.

CM said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is truly sad that ow puts herself before her child. She has ruined any chance that little girl has to know her father. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do feel for the child. After we cooled down, I asked my H if he would like to visit without me. But, he now feels that would send the wrong message and would make the exOW more demanding and difficult.

Yes, CM, she stopped visitation in the very beginning. We were seeing the child right after she was born. But, the exOW did not want the child around me and would not let my H see her for several years.

Since the exOW "made friends" with my sister-in-law, she was being invited to all the family functions. So, my H and I stopped going. But over time, my H's family stopped inviting the exOW anyway. I suspect that, since we were not coming, there was no controversy so they got tired of her.

The bad thing though is the OC does not understand why she used to have family who does not include her anymore. But now, I feel like more people are abandoning her.

I thought I would take advantage of the Holidays coming to ask my H again about visitation and also about telling our kids about the OC. I like your idea, CM, about having a different type of arrangement -- I did not think that was living in dreamland at all. Third party would be difficult for us because only my H's family knows about the OC and we would not want them involved. But, there must be a way for us to work out meeting the exOW with less stress. Perhaps meeting in a public place would help or we might be able to pay a sitter to pick up the girl. I had never thought of these options. (You can tell I have been a "no-contact" person for a long time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I guess it is funny for a BS to be so persistent in trying to patch things up between her H and OC. No contact would be so much easier. But something keeps telling me that we need to make this effort. Perhaps God is sending me a message and there is a reason that we should try to keep contact.

For now, I will let it go. After the twins' anniversary passes and things settle around here, I will speak with my H again and see if there isn't a way to work it out for the sake of the OC.

Thanks everyone for your support and prayers,
love,
heavenly