I recently discovered that my wife had an affair with someone for nearly a year. This past year has been pure hell for my son and I. The lies, deception, the "I love you but I'm not in love with you", pointing out every mistake I ever made seemed to never end. Well, last Fall I admitted to having an affair back in 1994 (she asked and I was honest). My wife proceeded to tell me what a low life piece of dirt I was and that she would never do anything like that! Well, at the time she said all of this she was already involved in a PA.

To make matters worse last week she told me that she has contracted HPV and I may have gotten it, too. She was sleeping with both of us during the past year.

Last night I became so angry that I told her that I had a daughter born to the woman with whom I had the affair. My wife and I exchanged alot of angry words and she left the house crying hysterically and went to her girlfriends house.

This morning she said that we have nothing further to talk about. Does anyone have any suggestions about how we can overcome these hurdles?

Married 14years
Me 41
Wife 38
Son 12
Daughter (deceased 10/6/00)

<small>[ August 26, 2002, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: tbbman ]</small>

First of all, You both need some counseling. Is what you told her true about the child!? If it is, that is another hurdle that you will have to cross,
You would be suprised at the large number of people who have HPV and how many people have it and dont know it, She may not have gotten from the person she had the physical afair with, you could have given it to her years before when you had an affair, so pointing fingers isnt going to help any one.

First go see a dr and let him explain HPV for you. Look it up on the net, but ask your dr.

You both have some issues that need to be addressed and shouls seek help to over come them. If you can afford the harleys clal them and ask for help in this for both of you.
In a marriage we all go through different stages and sometimes things are not as black and white as they seem.
One thing I can tell you is, yelling and fighting is getting you no where.

HAve you and your wife filled out the questionairs on your needs and such!? It is helpful and you learn alot from reading the rest of the concepts.
We have learned to communicate better than we have in years from learning how to communicate.
It is a great thing.

good luck and the first step is your seeking help, That means your not ready to give up yet.

Thanks for the words of encouragement! It has been a very difficult day as I am agonizing over the angry words I uttered yesterday.

I did run into my wife's girlfriend at the supermarket today and told her that I thought that her lying for my wife and supporting the affair was despicable! She told me to leave her alone so I just walked away not wanting to make a scene.

I just would like to know what a woman needs to hear at this point or if I should back off and let her process everything?

We can not take back angry words, if only we could there would be alot less hurt people.

You have to look inside you and your wife, to find out what went wrong, while you dont approve of her friend helping, she would have done so with out her friends help. There was something she was missing and unfortunately she found a way to fill that void else where. But it doesnt mean all is not loss. Have you read plan A ? go to the home page and look for it, I odnt know how to post the link, but someone will come soon and hopefully do that.

You could start with saying your sorry and work from there, and then try and understand why this happened and why you did this your self long ago.

I dont have much time now, I have a teen problem... will be a long day I am sure, I hope someone else will come along soon,

What an awful couple of days...

Discovery of an afair, new or old, is devastating for any couple. It takes days, weeks, months to digest the information and begin anew. Sicne this all just happened, you are in major crisis right now and only time and conversation and counseling can lay the foundation for recovery.

Is it true you fathered a child back in 1994? You did not respond to MOF's question and this is something extremely important to know. Did you just say that to hurt your wife for lying to you or have you been harboring a really horrible secret all these years?

It sounds like there is a lot of dysfunction and pain in your marriage and MOF's suggestion to call Dr. Harley for immediate counseling is wise advice. Speaking with him can give you both a good jump start where to begin and by coming here and practicing the Marriage Builders principles and policies will pretty much guarantee a successful recovery if you stick to the rules and practice faithfully. It all depends on how much you both want recovery.

I am so sorry things have deteriorated so much that you two have come to this point, but, this isn't the end...it could be the beginning of better things to come.

You're in my prayers.

Catnip =^^=

Yes, I did father a child out of wedlock. The mother was also married and told me that she wanted to return to her husband and that she would take responsibility for the child. I did see a photo of our little girl when she was about four months old. But out of respect for my ex-lover's request I have not seen nor talked to her since.

On another note...
My wife left me a list of "honey do's" last night and I have started to work on those things to keep myself occuppied as well as show support for the family despite what has happened. She did not seem as angry this morning as she was yesterday. I did apologize several times for my angry outburst on Sunday evening. I told her that my therapist, whom she has met, said that someone had to stop the hurting. She immediately said I will, but I think she was saying that divorce was the way to stop. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

<small>[ August 27, 2002, 12:50 PM: Message edited by: tbbman ]</small>