Hello,I am currently seperated from my wife for 3 months, we have been married for 18 months, known each other for 7 years. Now first of I would like to clarify that I love my wife dearly, I don't want to let her go. We had marital issues from the get go, we both did not settle down into married life, me more than her. I was more about setting up our finances, the business end of the marriage early. She did not really like that whole idea, saying I'm greedy. I felt that that it is good to get a firm start right away. Well, any way, I had a big mouth and told my family that she does not want to handle that stuff. My first marital mistake! Then I took to putting my friends ahead of her, and the occasional drink came before her, second marital mistake. She got more distant everyday from me. After 7 years she started to slowly turn on me. I discovered that she had a affair shortly afterwards that lasted for 4 months. I saw red and struck her. Third and worst marital mistake. I seperated myself from her for 6 weeks and decided that I still love her and want her back in my life. I made a slave out of her, fourth mistake. I wanted her to prove myself to me. I went too far. Now she left me and filed. Im devastated. It took this to realize that I was not a good husband to her also. I have many regrets about myself and my way of marriage. I am now in therepy trying to make myself a better person once and for all. My wife still keeps in touch with me, but she is not the same person I know and love. I made her into what she is, heartless and cold, and want to reverse it. I firmly believe that we will be reunited one day, she even says that if she feels she wants to be with me again she will remarry me. I know this may sound a little out there, but if anyone knows about people remarrying their ex and making the marriage work once and for all please let me know. I know I will reform myself for the better, I gave here some of my worst, now I want to give her my best. Thank You

SUre, you could remarry your ex. Nothing stops you. Oh wait, a lack of good foundation stops you. Well, you've come to the right site for that. There are tools galore that you two can work through to help you prepare for a return to married life.

Of course, there are serious trust issues that need to be worked out, and as individuals you need to be "complete" by yourself, and then you can come together and make a real strong relationship.

I'll be curious to see how it all shakes out.

Hello...

When I read of your situation it reminded me quite a bit of my own and so I just wanted to give you my "2 cents." I have been with my partner now for almost 8 years (with a couple separations). We were married for almost 4 years and were then divorced about a year and a half ago...We started trying to patch things up about 9 months ago. We have also had a rocky past. Abuse, infidelity, addictions, a lot of very stupid things that destroyed a lot of the love we had for each other. I just wanted to let you know that it can be done, and we still have a LONG way to go, but I sincerely believe that it is better, and getting better all the time, that it ever was in the past. There are some great guidelines here that have helped us a lot. Learning to forgive each other and learn from the mistakes we both have made is not easy but it's definitely worth it. I don't know if that is any help or not but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone out there, it's probably more common thank you think, and that there is hope...A lot of hard work, but hope too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hello, thank you for the replies Jaye and Eve. My situation is getting worse and worse. I recived the paperwork last week. Even though my wife and I talk everyday on the phone I feel she is getting more distant and cold. I usually talk about how I screwed up the marriage with my abuse and lack of self control. I always ask her questions on how to improve myself and try to stop her from going thru with it. I am in therapy now, but it does not make me feel better at all. I am weak, and actually crying as i am typing this. Her every answer is "I don't know", "somewhat" or just plainly no answer at all. It is driving me up the wall. Before she told me we still can be friends, and maybe work it out, now she says that she does not want to be friends. I feel very betrayed and rejected. I belive that she has no one in her life now, but I asked her if you feel emotions again to give me a try. She is very unwilling and determined to get divorced. Am I trying to hard for her hand again? I feel I will never love a person as much as her again in my life.
Eve, if you dont mind me asking, did you also give your husband the cold shoulder and break off contact with him during your seperation and divorce? Did you go thru the motions my wife is now?, and how did you get over it and find your husband and try to work things out.? Any info would be appreciated. I'm just about out of options. I dont feel like a man no more. I still will try to stop it but it is getting futile day by day. Someone please help! Thank You

I hate to say it, but not every relationship is salvageable. It's good that you have made these observations and improvements in yourself, but when you wound somebody, the apology doesn't stop the hurt. The pain is still there. And it takes time, and sometimes a *long* time to heal.

And of course, there's always suspicion that the changes aren't real. People will jump through hoops for a while, but the fear is always there that old behavior will return. It takes time to rebuild that trust.

Sounds like your wife isn't willing to give you that time. I don't know that you can really stop it, but you may find more people participating over int he Divorced/Divorcing section. It's a bit busier.

Of course, recall too that probably every piece of advice your wife is hearing is run-away, run-away. Some lines, once crossed, are *extremely* difficult to uncross. I fear you may be in that situation. Especially with the physical abuse.

This doesn't excuse her affair in any way, certainly wounds are coming from both directions.

Did you read Dr. Harley's Q&X (up at the top) on Affairs? There's some good stuff there. And in the Concept slink next to it.

You may be able to get your wife to "hold off" and see if the two of you can work together through the basic concepts stuff.

Perhaps even attend an MB weekend.

Good luck.