Hi everyone. I need some help. H has been gone all day and still isn't home. He said he had to go look for some monitors for his band, but has been gone since 10:00 this morning. I've called his cell phone repeatedly and he won't answer. I left him a message asking him to call, but so far haven't heard anything. I have a really bad feeling that he's went to XOW's to see the baby or whatever it is that is going on with them two. I've posted on another thread that he's went from saying he would take care of finding out about DNA and possible OC when he got home to telling me last night that he was just going to wait a little while and see what happened. Now this...not home again. Maybe it's just me, but if you left at 10:00 and haven't found the monitors by 7:00 at night maybe you should give up for the night and try again later. Any advice on what to do because I'm afraid I'm going to LB really badly when he gets home (if he gets home). HELP! I feel like I'm going out of my mind.

I know so well what this is like, I remember MY husband going to the grocery store and not coming home till the next morning at 5am.. and had the nerve to say, but honey nothing happened.

Hang in there, maybe he has a good reason.
Be strong and when you ask when he gets home try to not be too emotional, just straight and to the point. I would say ignore it and wait for his explantion, but I know I couldnt wait.
BIG HUG FOR YOU.

<small>[ August 26, 2002, 07:05 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

But what do I say to him? He's on this big kick about me treating him like a child and that I'm not his mother. I don't really feel like I treat him like a child; I treat him like a H who has screwed up and continues to screw up. He doesn't put forth much effort in our relationship. As long as I don't bring anything up (i.e. OC, our relationship, etc.) everything is fine in his eyes. No matter what I'm feeling. As long as I keep it hidden things are fine around here. The minute I start talking about us he gets mad and starts talking about leaving saying that "the damage has been done" and we'll never recover. I don't know what to do anymore.

For my husband anger is a sign of guilt. I know instantly if he acts offended..BINGO I am right.

Maybe your husband has issues witht he way you do it. I would just smile and say, I am glad your home safe, I was worried about you and let him feel guilty all by him self, If you get angry, He will feel he has the right to do what he wants...If you dont show it, he will wonder and it will drive him crazy.. OK maybe not the advice that every one would give you, but I really think if you show him you are not bothered, he will feel guilty wondering what your thinking and maybe say what he has been up to on his own.

just my opinion..

I don't know why but I really feel like talking tonight. I guess I need reassurance that I'm doing the right thing by staying here and not kicking him out. H is very resentful of me and doesn't seem to want to notice the changes I have made to make our relationship better. He only seems to notice when I mess up. His own words are that I can go for two weeks doing everything I can and if I mess up once that it blows all the work I've done for the previous two weeks. He doesn't want to talk about anything serious and says the biggest thing he wants from me is "peace" and space. He sleeps on the couch half the time. Yes, I'm not perfect (not by a long shot), but I feel like I'm trying and getting nowhere at all. I'm so tired of feeling lonely; H has said some pretty mean things. The other night he told me the reason he won't hug me or kiss me is because I repulse him. That really stung especially when an hour later he was wanting to SF. I feel like a yo yo. We went to MC for a while, but I found out that while we were going to marriage counseling he was e-mailing a different XOW (been over a year) telling her that he was being forced to go to MC before he could get his divorce. As far as I know nothing physical happened between them, just a bunch of crap on e-mails. This was in May and then I find out about possible OC in June. And he gets mad because I don't seem to trust him. I think all of this is starting to get to me. Last night, I was massaging his feet and all I could think is that I repulse him enough that he won't hug me, but he can screw me. I'm sorry if that sounds crude, but those were my exact thoughts. All he tells me is to earn anything that I want by giving him peace and space. H also said that if I thought he wasn't handling OC situation fast enough to tell him to leave. He keeps telling me that I should realize that he wants me or he wouldn't have came home; XOW has a house of her own and he could go there. Yes, he did come home, but it's more like roommates on my end until he wants something. It feels like he wants me to give everything while he puts forth no effort. To give him credit he has gotten rid of his e-mail and he did go without contact (he says) with XOW (the one with child) for six months. I just don't know anymore. I have read so many dang books that I feel like I could be a marriage counselor, but I can't seem to do anything about my own marriage. I've told him that I can't fix everything by myself; we're both going to have to work on it, but he says he's not doing anything until he believes that I've changed. I know this is long; I'm sorry. What should I do though?

Thanks MOF for the advice. I was busy posting my rambling when you replied. I will try my best, but he seems to know when I'm upset (I guess I'm not a good actress!) and will ask me what is wrong over and over until I tell him. I will try though. I'm staying on the net right now so he can't get through because I'm trying to calm down before I talk to him.

well I am anxious as well, My husband has been out of town and he comes in tonight, he should have left the airport by now and is driving home.

Yeah

I know what your feeling, I have been through those nights so many times. It brings back strong memories. My husband was verbally abusive as well, mean , hurtful things to make him think he is somehow justified in his wrong doing. It hurts and those things never go away. But you can move past them and try to start over.

I am in the middle of cooking for husband, but I will add more later. You arent alone, I bet you would be suprised att he number of women who have experienced these thoughts and feelings.

MOF, thanks again. How do I get past these feelings when I feel so empty inside? My kids are getting more hugs than ever before (two boys; four year old at least doesn't seem to mind as much as 10 year old) because I need to feel loved at least by my kids.

I'll be waiting for your addition...

Kids cant hurt getting more hugs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I dont know the answer to getting past it, I am ashamed to say, that while I was just living with all the pain, I met someone , fell in love and he took all that pain away.. I should have found a different way to handle the pain, but I didnt know how.

Not that I would ever set out to have an affair, I didnt, I never even dreamed it was possible for me to. FUNNY how things change and look where it got me.. what a mess.

You have to decide what your willing to put up with and what you can not. In truth I should have left years and years ago. But I didnt because he had destroyed my self esteem and I didnt want to be alone, I was scared. plain and simple.

Does your husband read here or do you do this alone ? My husband will read but will not post, and he hates that I do, he says it wont hep, but he keeps reading. who knows.

I gotta run, homework time, have to make sure it is all done.
maybe you should try his phone one more time and leave a message.

No H doesn't post here or read here. He doesn't come to this site at all even though I've suggested it to him. He knows I come in here and he says it doesn't bother him. He has said before that it did and he didn't want me in here at all so I quit posting for a while, but now he says it's fine.

Speaking of mean things to say, H told me that he would try to find me someone that could do all the things I needed when I was trying to explain to him what I wanted and needed out of our relationship. I didn't even know what to say to him--I was just completely shocked.

I guess I will try to call him again and leave a message. I'll probably be back on tonight though if anyone else (or MOF) have any additional advice.

I called his cell again and got the voice mail. I didn't leave a message because I really don't know what to say without offending him. Guess I'll just sit around and wait. And lurk on here.

dumplin,
Do you have AIM or yahoo messegner? I am online and can chat if you want?

Dawn

No Dawn, I don't yahoo or icq. Both are just BIG problems around here. I've come to hate Yahoo. H finally came home and is acting like nothing is going on. I haven't said more than 10 words to him and don't plan on it. I'm just tired of the crap. No telling me where he was or what the heck took so long and of course if I ask I'm being his mother so I'm not going to ask. He can either tell me or not. And I will decide from there.

H told me while I was posting last night that he wanted to talk to me. He told me that he had went to many different places looking for the monitors he needed. That lasted until around 7:00 last night and then he drove around thinking. He did not go out of state and did not go to XOW's like I feared (lives out of state). He said he's giving us until October 1st and then if he doesn't feel more secure he's leaving. He's tired of feeling like I'm treating him like a child. I had gotten His Needs, Her Needs from the library because he told me he would read it if I read a book about prisons to see that I was treating him like a prisoner. I told him that was fine if he wanted to give it until Oct. 1, but asked him "What about how I felt?" He was basing everything on how he felt once again. So we both sat down and told the other what we wanted from each other. I don't honestly know if it will do much good, but I tried and I'm going to continue to try. I may have to tie my hands together to quit my snooping though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I told him that we could both evaluate in October and see where we stand. I'm going to do my best Plan A; I just hope I see some effort on his part. Thought I'd bring you all up to date again.

Dumplin,
I think a month is not enough time to fix everything.

Dawn

Dear Dumplin

Wouldn't it be wonderful in a perfect world if when someone treated us so callously and rejected us over and over again we would just shrug our shoulders and say, "Oh well....that's their problem, not mine."

The reality of it is that it IS their problem, not ours. Despite the fact that their disrespeectful treatment of us has demoralized us and destroyed our confidence and our esteem, it is only because they know they are dog doo doo and the ONLY way they can feel good about themselves is to drag us down to their level. The only way they can rationalize their evil deeds is to tell us what loosers we are and nit-pick every small infraction to justify their mega-violations.

Excuse me for saying so, but your husband takes the cake for Cad of the Year. He sounds pretty high on himself, even if it is a false illusion, and has some distorted view he is the be all and end all because he is a musician or something.

The ONLY way to combat that kind of treatment is to act "as if" after Plan A fails and you have not yet implemented Plan B. When you act "as if" you don't care one way or the other about what he is doing, who he is seeing, act indifferent, be pleasant but distant, THAT makes them nuts. Suddenly, like MOF says, they are wondering if they are loosing their hold on you.

To tell you he is repulsed by you and saying such hurtful and damaging things and telling you to read a book about prisoners is preposterous and shows his cruelty full force. I am so sorry you are going through such awful trauma. This must be horrible for your kids to witness.

I am so sick and tired of Baby-Men I could scream. I'd like to see the lot of them forced to wear diapers and suck pacifiers...a mandate for any childish man who whines that their wife is acting like their Mother. Good God, what do they expect? They BEHAVE like whining spoiled children wanting all the privileges without any obligation.

Reading your post really set my teeth on edge, D. I hope you rise above his low life behavior and set an example of cool dignity and redevelope your sense of self to protect yourself from his terrible treatment of you. I am going to pray for extraordinary strength for you to shield you from further hurt and to heal your esteem so that you will soon not care one iota what he does or who he sees and not believe one more lie. The day you realize you are better than that, better than he is in his current state, and that there is a better life out there for you, is the day you are free from this persecution.

I would Plan B at this point. The abuse you are taking is so acute, it makes me sick.

You are in my thoughts and prayers...I will pray for you to be able to unshackle yourself from this trap of neediness borne out of his demoralizing treatment of you. The neediness gives him way too much power.

Act "as if"

Love

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ August 27, 2002, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dumplin:
<strong>H is very resentful of me and doesn't seem to want to notice the changes I have made to make our relationship better. He only seems to notice when I mess up. His own words are that I can go for two weeks doing everything I can and if I mess up once that it blows all the work I've done for the previous two weeks.

but he says he's not doing anything until he believes that I've changed. I know this is long; I'm sorry. What should I do though?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What the hell does he have to be resentful about? What does he perceive you have done that is so terrible to warrant this kind of treatment? Did you forget to let the cat in or something?

What "changes" does he think you should make? I bet they are stupid, ridiculous changes that are insignificant and just soemthing he is using as a vehicle to control you and manipulate you.

I believe when someone says and does the things you describe here, they are looking for excuses to continue bad behavior and in some ways getting off on watching you dance around in circles to please them and make them feel powerful...an ego bolstering.

Many of our spouses have behaved like yours is behaving right now at one time or another to some degree. I remember I was the one doing all the work while my husband made little effort. When I stopped, he suddenly stepped up to the plate.

Every man is different, but one thing they have in common is that they are basically as insecure as we are now (or they wouldn't need to screw around on us in an attempt to get some phony self esteem) and when we stop being a doormat is when they begin to respect us again and start making an effort to keep us. One can only allow this for so long before you cross that fine line between Plan A and Doormat...you'll know when it changes to the latter, and when it does, it is time to implement Plan B...a strong and faithful, non-wavering Plan B.

Good luck

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ August 27, 2002, 10:59 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Dawn,

No I don't think a month is time to fix anything either. My evaluation will be to see if he's got his head out of his behind or not.

Catnip,

I've been reading your posts and I have to say that I love most of them. You seem like you take crap from no one; I wish I could be that way. I have to admit that just the way you phrase things makes me laugh at times.

His complaints about me: I go through his pants (looking for condoms, phone numbers, etc.); I check his band phone (seeing who called last); I take the cell phone from him when I get mad at him (it's in my name and yes I've gotten mad and took it away because of calls he's made on it); I want to know where he's at and what he doing at "all times" (that's his opinion, not mine); I get mad when a girl e-mails him (he has no control over it); I'm mad because nothing seems to be getting done over the OC situation and I harass him about it (Yes ma'am I do, want answers); I pour over the phone bills checking who he's called, when he's called and how long the call was (yep I have); I won't tell him about the finances (I have begun doing that in the last year); I blow money (yes I did and I admit it, but I've reined that in). I admit I have done and continue to do most of these things, but I've told him that I will stop as long as I see effort on his end.

I believe the only reason he sat down and reasonably talked to me last night was that I practically ignored him and got online in MB and started posting reply to Dawn. Until that point, he was acting like nothing was going on. I think that right now I'm going to hold to what I told him and see what happens. If I see no forward movement, I will go into Plan B because I know I've made changes and I know I've bettered myself and that's all I can do.

Just in case he (miracle in itself) decides to read these posts to see what I'm saying, here are the changes he has made.

No more chat rooms, yahoo, or anything of the sort.
No more private e-mail.
He doesn't go through my purse or check the checkbook to see if I'm telling him the truth. (I think this is because he knows I'm trying and why would I lie saying we're broke (LOL) when we're not?)
He doesn't have a fit when I go to my hometown (had a relationship with someone else once while we were separated--that's what I believe got us back together because he realized I was moving on with my life) and doesn't ask everything I've done while gone.

I'm sure there are more, but I have to go home now.

Okay, someone explain this one to me. I get home today and not very long after an insurance person (H had talked to before and told him to come back when I was home so "we" could go over it together.) shows up. H invites him in and we look at the insurance he's offering. H is very interested and I am too. We ended up taking out the insurance for our family (supplemental like AFLAC). Someone explain to me why someone who has it so bad here that he wants to leave would sit here and worry about taking out a family policy that we are all on for cancer and intensive care stuff (heart, etc.)????? We're both young (25 and 26) so it's not like we're really at the age to worry about most of this stuff. Anyone?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I have not posted in a LONG time but I read almost daily. Dumplin, I have to say please be careful. I hope I am being overly cynical but I am a big fan of the discovery channel and I watch the FBI files, New Detectives, Justice Files and that type of thing and there have been MANY shows about where a spouse is having an affair, wants to leave but feels for some reason or another that divorce is not an answer. You were saying your husband wants to give it a month--only one month-- to decide if things will work out and now he's buying insurance??? Like I said, I hope I am being too cynical and maybe he is making changes.