I am having difficulty handling this situation.
There is constant tension between my DS and my BF. My BF moved in with us 2 months ago. My S is basically a good kid. He is 14 and he acts his age....rolling of the eyes, not listening all the time, lazy at times, selfish, won't talk about things....typical teenage crap. But for the most part he is a sensitive, caring person. My BF and I are planning to get married this October. He is a good man and he treats me very, very good. My XH was a poor provider, abusive in many ways, and our M ended because of an A on his part (he still lives with OW.) My BF is everything I could ask for in a spouse. My EN's are met all the time. Except for one thing...he dislikes my S because of the way my S has acted towards him and towards me.

My S had it in his mind that me and XH would get back together. So when my BF and I got together, he was really pretty bad. His behavior and words even surprised me. Since BF moved in, however, I see that my S is making an effort, although, he still has his moments. It is these times that my BF has zero tolerance. I, on the other hand, have much more tolerance. I put up with a lot more because I know my D has been difficult on my S.

I understand that a lot of my S's behavior is his age. BF expects more from him. He has even gone so far as to make a list of rules for my S. I'm ok with the rules, but the punishment for disobeying them is another story. The punishment he's "ordered" is for each time a rule is broken, my S will miss one weekend with my XH.

It seems as if the displays of disobedience are their worst whenever my S returns from my XH's, or just before he leaves to go to his house. (XH lives 100 miles away.) So that is why my BF chose that as his punishment. We have tried talking, grounding, withholding priveledges, restricting bed times on school nights.

I should tell you that BF has 2 D's from his previous M. They are 6 and 7. He is very good with them. They come to stay with us every other weekend, and that is the weekend my S stays with us as well.

Anyway, the tension is pretty thick. And I feel that my BF is sometimes too harsh on my S. Sometimes I feel as if I am being forced to choose between them. If I defend my S in anyway, I am told, "Yeah, that's right, defend him like you always do." or "You always take his side." But, I feel like if I don't defend my S, who will? I am not saying I let my S get away with everything. I have always thought of myself as being more strict than not. But, I don't believe in flying off the handle and spouting off. I don't have a quick temper, so I handle things differently than my BF. Things tend to bother him quicker than they do me. I can let the small stuff slide, most of the time. For instance, my S left an empty milk carton on the counter instead of putting it in the trash. My BF had a coniption fit. I was like, "so what...just throw it away, and I'll tell him when he gets home from school not to leave his trash lying around." No big deal.

I love my BF very much. There isn't a doubt in my mind that he is the man I was meant to be with. But this "war" that is going on between them is killing me. I don't want the job of mediator because I feel like I can't win.

Just another FYI. My BF was in the army for 8 years. He was Airborne, Special Forces for 6 of those years. He was a decorated soldier, and if not for an injury that caused him to leave, he would have made a career out of being a paratrooper. Some people have said that he has too much military left in him. But his military background is what makes him the responsible, dedicated, and committed person that he is. And I am proud of his patriotism.

Any advice is so very much appreciated!

He has no legal or moral right to interfere in visitation. Is he trying to cause you to lose custody all together (quite possibly, I suspect). Doesn't your ex-H fight this?

Why would you want to marry someone who does not like your son? It wouldn't matter if he were perfect in every other respect, since treating your son like he does shows an utter lack of care for your feelings.

Airborne7,

Wrong answer to the no vistitation issue as punishment--it doesn't matter how your son acts when he comes home from visits with his dad--

For starters--You as the mother are responsible to discipline YOUR son--Not your BOYFRIEND!! Your not married yet, so that is NOT HIS ROLE!!

You pick the consequences of the bad behavior--NOT your boyfriend--

Have you considered family counseling for you and your son? And even at time include your boyfriend--

I'd like to make a couple book recommendations that can offer both you and YOUR boyfriend some insight and if he refuses to read them--Tell him--take a hike--or else this tension will remain in your relationship--with YOU in the middle--

Blended Families and Smart Step-Familes--

As your boyfriend--it's his role to learn to be a FRIEND to your son--Not a parent--and once respect has been EARNED--then he can begin to discipline
but he has to have the respect of your son first--
which can take many years--the older the child
the longer it takes--

And your son has every right to want you and his dad back together--so I'm sure when he is with his
father--he is working hard to break them up as well--and finds it difficult to accept HIS FAMILY
was torn apart--

but seriously, consider getting him into counseling to help him deal with the issues--

I feel for you, I am going through the exact same thing. I won't tell you to run but I've come close often, today actually. I have lived with my bf for 3.5 yrs now and not to discourage you but it does not get any easier. In fact I find our relationship is now very strained and I have a lot of resentment. My bf acts a lot like your fiance does, the tiniest thing gets him upset that are not really a big deal. We went through a tough time with my d17 this past summer but she has now done a complete turnaround and he won't forgive her. Any digs he can come up with he will. I recently talked to him about all this and I really thought it would get better but honestly in my case anyway it does not. My s14 is a very good kid, very sensitive, affectionate and caring, bf however likes to pick on him. We can't watch a movie or anything without fear that someone is doing something to bug him. S14 is kinda fidgety or will ask questions on certain plays during football, bf has no patience. I am really torn. I was also in a blended familly relationship for 7 yrs prior where my ex bf had two boys every 2 wks and full 2 wks in the summer. It was hell.

Unfortunately I can't give you very much advice cos I am struggling trying to make this familly work. All I can say is try familly meetings and keep the lines of communication open. Let your s know that you love him and are on his side too but expect respect from both when dealing with each other. As for punishing your son by not going to see his father, not a good idea at all. Your fiance has no right to do that. How would he feel if he could not see his girls for the same reason ??

I wish you luck, you can email me if you want at mcmkr@sympatico.ca

Marie

Any advice is so very much appreciated!

I am going to take you at your word on this...

My advise is going to be...

Your BF needs to move out.

Yes, that is how I feel. I feel that it is wrong to move a BF into your home where you have children. This man is not an "authority" figure to this child in any fashion.

He is YOUR bf...he has no business discipling your child...and he has ZERO business intervering with the parenting time that is in order for your X.

Now, once you are married...the dynamic switches a bit. He becomes one of the family...and he is to be respected as one of the adults in the house. AND..he is to be respected as one of the people in charge. That in no way means that he will then be able to punish your child by depriving him of his father. YOU aren't even entitled to do that.

If you don't get this back in line now...you don't stand a chance once you are married.

JMHO
committed

Think seriously before you take that next step. I have been married for five years to a man who hates my 15 year old daughter. They never got along great, but since my older daughter moved out, things have just gotten worse. My daughter is a basically good kid, but has her little quirks. She sometimes will not say hi when she gets home, and that drives my husband nuts. He thinks it is totally disrespectful to not acknowledge his presence in a room. This seems like it should be a minor issue, but he has completely blown it up into something huge. Last month she did something really stupid. She took our car for a joyride while we were not home (she does not have her license). My husband told her, and me, that if anything like that ever happens again, he will kick her out of the house. I grounded her for two months, and put major restrictions on her after that, but I do not think that you can throw a 15 year old out of the house. He said that she can go live with her Dad, who she stays with two days/week right now, but I will not lose my daughter over this. Things have progressively gotten worse and worse, I am always in the middle, and I do not know if our marraige will last. If I had to do it again, I would not have married this man, even though I did love him very much.