Over a year ago, I had an affair while working out of town which lasted about two months. I ended this coming home to my husband. My husband & I were working things out (or so I thought until just after Xmas). During the first part of my affair, he met someone online in an advice chat room & they became friends. I never thought much of this until this past spring. I was constantly thinking that there was more to it since he never would let me see any of their emails. Anyway, right before Xmas - we were at my Grandmother's home when he received a phone call. I could almost clearly see his cell phone's ID but couldn't quite make out the name, however, I knew it started with an "M". He told me that it was his sister & he'd call her back later. I said "ok", not wanting to start anything in front of my family. Anyway, we returned home and he went outside for quite sometime. I walked outside and he said "i've got to go now" and hung up his phone. I knew something was up. I didn't say much and he told me it was his sister. Later while he was sleeping, I snooped through the caller ID on his phone and found that his sister had not called him that day nor had he called her. He had received a call from a "Mat" while we were visiting my family. Anyway, I looked to see the number and it was out of state which was odd since his friend, Mat, lives in state. So I went online to look up the number and sure enough it was from PA (where this female "friend" he met online lives). So I questioned him about it. He called me "stubborn" and said that he wasn't doing anything that her computer had crashed so they talked on the phone. I didn't believe that but tried to let it go even though he had been lying and hiding these calls. So last week, I went under his instant messenger name to see if he had archived any conversations. He had. One hour long conversation he had with her. I read through it and couldn't stop shaking. They talked about meeting, having sex, how they liked each other & thought of each other often, and also how he could hide his calls from me. I called him right away on his cell & he came home (was out getting take-out). This messenger conversation was from 11/30 and apparently these phone calls were of the same subject matter. He said that he had good reason. He told me that he did this to make himself feel guilty for something and that he needed to feel guilty for something since I had cheated on him last year. Now, this makes no sense to me. Anyway, they're supposed to have stopped all contact but he says that he feels kind of bad that he cut her off like that. He also says that all the things he said to her were BS and that he didn't mean any of it. I just wonder how you are supposed to feel guilty for something you didn't mean???
Any insight on this? I'm not sure if I should believe all of this or not. I know I did something horrible in the past, but why does this have to continue in a big circle? I have a hard time believing him when I see him walking around with his cell phone all the time. He also closed his email account so that they couldn't email each other but we all know that there are ways around one email account or one cell phone number. I'm torn up inside. What can I do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Perhaps your H thinks this makes you "even". You hurt him, he hurts you, the playing field is now level.

I can tell you this, guilt is never a good foundation to build anythihng on. Conviction? Yes. Guilt? no.

There are lots of tools on this site (click the concepts and Q&A links at the top) that can offer all kinds of assistance in evaluating wher eyou're at, and where you can go.

You may find professional counseling to be in order too.

Hello,

I am guessing that your husband has not gotten over your two month sexual affair. His self-esteem and his image as a men was betrayed by the person he loved and trusted the most. I am sure this is a reaction to all of this to build up his image and self-esteem. If the roles were reversed, how do you think you would be reacting?

I am sure he has images in his mind of you and the OM having sex. He is probably very bitter and this is a way of him getting back at you. He is probably thinking that you were having sex with another man for two months and had your fun. Now you want to sweep it away and return to normal and he is in the same place. Clearly what he is doing is wrong but you set this up in motion. How did you think he would react to your affair? Clearly marriage counseling is a must for both of you now.

How are you addressing his pain? How do you show your remorse? How do you build up his image? I wish you luck?

I'm curious to know what where your reasons for having the A? I think that H needs to come to terms with why he has done what he has done w/ the EA. Then work from those issues, to insure that it no more A happen again. And does he truely want to be in a happy and successful marriage? If he doesn't then he just needs to move on or realize that his behavior is not showing that he does want a wonderful relationship with you. Just my little in put...hope it helps.