I have only been here once before and my story is basically that my H had OW while we were seperated last year. They did not work out long before we got back together so I am not particularly worried about her however, she had his baby boy last in Dec. Paternity has been determined and now he insists on visitation with OC. I am obviously having a hard time with this. We have been in counseling for a few months and it helps. Yesterday we had a session where we use speaker/listener tecniques. It was so hard!!! He is so adamant about wanting to be a part of this childs life. We have a 3 year old girl together and she doesnt know about baby. How am I suppose to explain it to her? OW says he can see OC anytime but it is supervised (probably with her present). SHe is getting married to boyfriend she was with at time of affair this october. Personally I feel let the boyfreind play dad and my H shouldnt have anything to do with OC. But I am a firm believer in Christ and I ask myself WWJD?
I know he would accept this child and love him and forgive everyone. Ultimatley that is what I want to do. I think I am most frustrated that H is kind of making it an altimatum. He says that if I cant deal him seeing the OC then he will understand if I want to get divorced. I want him to fight for me and try to make me happy no matter what. We are both being pigheaded I know.
But, from what I read around this sight suggestions are that I make contact with OW and OC? Will it tear our marriage apart if H sees OC without me? I guess I am a little worried about H and OW spending time with the Baby together since it is supervised. H says he will give me time but I feel the clock ticking. I know he wants to see OC soon. How do I do it the right way?
any advise would be greatly appreciated.

Gretchen,

What will tear your marriage apart is if the two of you can't employ the Rule of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement to decide what you will and will not do.

When your husband is making ultimatums, he's not helping (selfish demands are a lovebuster). The two of you need to sit down and discuss the various options (preferrably with a counselor at this point). If you can't agree (enthusiastically) on a course of action---you do nothing (including visitations) except go back to brainstorming for ideas. It sounds like you're willing to give some on this, so that ought to help your cause.

If he's unable to budge---it's a "my way or the highway" scenario, then I would suggest that you let him know how deeply this hurts you, that he's unwilling to take your feelings into account. And if you've done a reasonable Plan A already, I'd suggest that you take another separation (with no contact, Plan B) until he's able to develop good marital skills.

A good solution would be for you to mediate the visits. You could pick up the OC, and drop her off if you're worried about contact. If he's paying child support, the OW doesn't make the rules regarding visits being supervised---the courts will.

My very first double-post!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ August 29, 2002, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: K ]</small>

GGMP:

I completely concur with K's advice in every respect. The advice he is giving you is out of Dr. Harley's Marriage Building principles.

You and your husband absolutely need mediation with a counselor familar with the Marriage Builders principles because Marriage Builders, if followed faithfully, can restore your marriage.

I completely empathize with your feelings as I have similar feelings in my own situation. I am fortunate that my husband and I are in complete agreement and have opted for No Contact with either the OC or OW. That may change in years to come, but for right now, it is all we can do to survive and keep focused on our marriage. After all, the marriage was here first, the marriage should always come first above and beyond anyone or anything else, because if the foundation of the marriage isn't there, nothing survives.

Unless you make each other number one priority, the marriage cannot survive a trauma of this magnitude. At least for now, he should acquiesce to your wishes and have no contact until some major healing has taken place in your marraige and contact with the OC isn't so threatening to you. Under no circumstances should he have any contact with the OW for any reason. All contact must be made through a thrid party, or through you. The two of you need to present a united front and agree on issues together.

I am so sorry you are going through this and that your husband is being so adamant about contact when his focus should be on you and his priority should be just you. In time, you might change your mind when it is no longer a threat to you. I will pray God softens his heart and his misguided loyalty is redirected to you where it belongs, where he first pledged and vowed to you to love and protect, forsaking all others, including the OC for now.

Boy, I know I might get really scorched for this, but hey! I don't make the stereotypes, but I wonder how much of this is that he has a daughter and now a son. Sometimes men get funny ideas about sons. Would he be the same way if it would have been another daughter? Just a thought that could be completely off.

I'll keep you in my prayers. Call the Harley's for guidance. I hear remarkable things happen in just a couple calls...

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ August 29, 2002, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

We have a 3 year old girl together and she doesnt know about baby. How am I suppose to explain it to her?

I wont address the contact issue but would like to say. Your daughter is very young and will not need lots of explantion. Just enough on her level to understand she has a new brother , if you choose to have contact. Children have a huge capacity to love and do so very willingly.

Because I'm short on time and can't address the contact issue either.

My son was 4.5 and daughter was two when we first started visitation.

We told our kids that OC was their sister. One day my son asked me how could she be his sister if I wasn't her mommy. I told him, "OC needed a daddy and your daddy volunteered to be her daddy."

No lies. Just in verbage they can understand. They don't have to know what makes a baby right now.

Luckily when DNA came back negative 1.5 years later we were able to retract our story to our kids gracefully. We told them, "OW found a nice man to be OC's daddy so your daddy doesn't have to be her daddy anymore."

Just a suggestion, hope it works,
Z.