To: EJmom2B

I haven't posted here for a while and I'm still kinda new but I went back and re-read the last post I did, which you responded to, where our situations are SO similar. I was just wondering how you were doing and whether much has changed on your part or not. Things are still the same here for me. IL's are still "catering" to OW and OC and I'm the one left out in the cold. My H is really trying to comfort me and understand how I feel, he doesn't want them to have contact with OW either, but he really blirted out to me the other day, "they are my parents, and I can't/won't just push them out of my life". I told him that he was just pushing me away, he said that he didn't want to do that. I told him that his parents are erased from my life, and that I do NOT want anymore to do with them, just hearing their voices on the telephone or answering machine makes me want to puke! He told me AGAIN, how sorry he was for causing all this and for causing this pain & hatred inside of ME towards them, there's not much else he can do. Maybe I just wish he would stand up and SCREAM at them and OW like he's done to me. I'm the hurt one, not OW or IL's!! Sometimes I just hate him so much I could scream. But there's a BIGGER part of me that still loves him very much and doesn't want to live without him.....

I wish I could turn back the clock and have my lief turn out a different way. Well, thanks for letting me vent. I hope your situation is better than mine. Please keep in contact, I really need someone that understands to talk to more often!

Heh, I totally ran to your thread because of the title--story of my freaking life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I've been more of a lurker than a poster lately, because I'm going through some heavy depression issues right now, but I'm with you--it is so valuable to know that others are going through the same issues you are.

But the part of your post that really spoke to me is your ambivilence toward your husband--hate/love. I am a counselor-in-training (scary, huh lol) and a client told me this about his ambivilence: "It is like a brand new Cadillac going over a cliff with your M-I-L inside". My clients never fail to speak more eloquently than I do!!!!

I am exactly in the same place. I love my H, I don't want to just quit my marriage because his family is so PSYCHO, but sometimes I just can't take it. For example, last night his car broke down. He didn't call to let me know, or to ask for a ride, or to brainstorm solutions with me. He called his mom. This is the man who said he is so fed up with their abuse he wants to cut them out completely, and yet he is calling her at the first sign of trouble. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but after what they have put us through, it is.

He is pulled between a life with me and healthy interactions, and the legacy his family has given him, which includes alcoholism, domestic violence, and sexual abuse. Awful as those things are, they are powerful (what is that Olivander said about Voldemort? "He did great things....Terrible, but great"). These "great" things keep him hooked, and I am afraid for our marriage.

I do have fantasies about going back six years and just NOT getting married. But, then again, I wouldn't have been able to see my part in things if I hadn't married him. The question now is, do I wait for him to work on his issues, or do I give up because it is taking SO LONG?

Whoo, sorry, your post kind of struck the perfect chord. Rest assured you are certainly not alone in your feelings--ambivilence, pain, disgust.

Wish I could have brought more happy news
EJ

EJmom2B -
thanks for the quick response! and here i thought i was the only one being an idiot about things. my h keeps telling me that "WE HAVE TO GET PAST THIS". Yeah, totally easier for him to say! i know he can't push his family out of his life because they are family.......but does that mean he can't stand up for me as well? it all gets so tiring!!
his mother has informed him that i will never be able to accept OC and that's a shame because they are the grandparents and they want to see OC and H wants to see OC but it will always be a fight because of ME!!! hello........who the heck cause this entire mess? not me! but i do love him very much and i believe we have gotten better than worse. we did do several months of counseling and i know that helped alot! but i just hate some of these feelings that go thru me, i wish he could see inside of me and have those same feelings to know what i'm truly going thru.

thanks again for the "vent". Keep your chin up and my prayers are definitely with you. Maybe we can BOTH win this thing and have great properous lives!

me(33)
H(32) - H's OC (17 mos)
My child from old relationship (15)
Married - 4 years!
DDay - 7/200

What is it about in-laws? Or maybe it's just mine--but I don't think so by reading your posts, millsc1 and EJmom2B.

On my d-day, I told H that one of the first things he had to do was to tell his parents what he had done. He did, and the first thing out of their mouths was "well I suppose you will be getting a divorce". The next thing was "when do we get to see our new baby granddaughter?".

At that point, I knew that they had made their choice--and that I had made mine. They showed absolutely NO respect to me or the 17 years we had invested in a familial relationship. My MIL even went to OW's house the VERY NEXT DAY to introduce herself to her new grandbaby.

H says that his dad is being really good about not prying into his life, but MIL is constantly asking when he will be supporting his child and why he hasn't arranged for visitation yet. Unfortunately, H has never completely cut the apron strings yet, so MIL (his mom) has always, and continues to have, a LOT of power over him.

I suppose I am letting my imagination get the best of me, but I do not envision a happy holiday season coming up, what with MIL's obsession with having the OC be a part of the family no matter what. Oh well, fine with me; I am not a part of the family (by my own choice) as long as the dysfunction continues--which is a big sigh of relief, believe me!

Like you, I've distanced myself from the family as well. They're all TRAITORS in my eyes! Last fall I moved out for a few months and boy did they ever bad mouth me then, including my H to them 'cause he was "hurt and angry" that I left. But since then and since I moved back, he has tried to reason with them and get them to understand that part of the healing process for us is to have everyone's support. IL's going behind H's back to see grandchild and visiting with OW isn't going to help. But they don't care, it's all my fault cause I can't "accept it"! Good lord, the pain that's been put on me and now I'm at fault 'cause somethings I just can't accept - excuse me for being human! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I've given up trying to talk about it to H cause he says there's not much he can do about it, they're going to do and think the way they want. I informed H, too, of the upcoming holiday season and how I WILL NOT be going to IL's for anything. They have a huge family and there's always so much time spent there and so much food, family & fun........but it'll be without me this year. H says then, he'll go with me to my parents' or just stay home and we'll have things at our house. My parents' live 45 minutes away and are 67 yrs old, they don't want to do all that driving on a holiday. Plus my daughter's real father lives back that way as well, so she always spends some time with him and his family.........people aren't going to come to our home.
God I wish, as do the rest of us, that this would've never happened in the first place. H visits OC 2-3 times a week (depending on his work schedule) at OW's parent's house, since OC isn't allowed at our home, around me, until H agrees for OW to "inspect our home" to be sure its adequate for the OC (who the hell inspected hers!) But H is still too naive and unwilling to rock her boat to piss her off, so he does the visitations like he's supposed to.....but it doesn't matter how I feel!? Whatever.
Thanks for listening, I look forward to hearing back from you guys really soon!