It been a year of no contact. And for some reason I had this really great picture of our child that I wanted to e-mail to xMM. I wasn't going to say anything, just attach the picture. It was all ready to send and then I decided against sending it.

Maybe it was all the discussion about sisterhood of late. Or perhaps because I don't want to go backwards in my/our recovery. Or maybe I thought he doesn't deserve to see what a beautiful child he produced if he can't even be bothered to ask about him on his own.

Its temptation - pure and simple. And I know Satan is behind this. He's that roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. And I guess I'm an easy target for him because although I've got my leg out of the trap, I'm still limping along.

Well, I don't expect kudos from anyone because I'm ashamed to even have to admit this to you all. But I'm making myself accountable - albeit anonymously...

I don't need to tell my husband about this - or do I?

NP,

When I read your post, it struck me to ask you something. Just one question.
Are you seeking acceptance for your son from xMM?

CM

I, for one, would like to give you kudos. IMO, even though you had the thought, you stopped and didn't go through on it and that deserves credit. Good for you, NP!

I don't have an answer on if you should tell your husband, but I just wanted to let you know that I was proud of you for stopping yourself.

With love,

NP,
I wanted to say good for you not to send it.
Dawn

<small>[ August 30, 2002, 10:02 PM: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</small>

It was kind of you, NPLH, to resist the temptation to send it...MM's wife could easily come across it and it would cause her a meltdown. It would me.

Cmiranda asked you a very insightful question and my guess is that acceptance from XMM is a strong motivation.

On one hand, you do not beleive XMM deserves to know or see someone so beautiful as your child and he might not deserve it. On the other hand, there is something in all of us that wants and needs acknowledgment, the feeling of being important or that what happened meant as much to someone else as it did for us.

This child is special to you and you probably can't understand why this child is denied by the bio dad.

But, NPLH, it isn't that the child is not valued or important and a wonderous gift to you, it's just that your XMM is married and has prior commitments. He had to make a choice. That's the tragedy of an affair that produces an OC...

I'm sorry. I feel badly for you and your child but I hope you get a little comfort knowing it isn't you or the child, and there isn't anything wrong with you. He has other obligations that were a part of his life probably long before he knew you.

My first husband abandoned me and our son and never looked back. He never acknowledged or did one thing or paid one nickle of support for our son. I used to fantasize that my X husband would call begging to see our son...that he missed him and wanted to be his Dad. It never happened and it broke my son's heart. But, he grew into a fine and loving man in spite of it all, who is awkward with his own son, but makes the effort to be a part of his life.

I know it is almost impossible to resist doing this, but I believe it is only right to put it aside.

God bless

Catnip =^^=

NoPlace,

You did the right thing. I don't think you HAVE to tell your H if you didn't do anything. Have you promised no-contact? You should. Honoring your H will help you when your will is weak, because you don't want to have to tell him you did, if you promise you won't.

Like catnip said: "your XMM is married and has prior commitments. He had to make a choice. That's the tragedy of an affair that produces an OC..."

I think we'd all like our children to be praised and admired---the best thing since sliced bread and then some!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> As a mother, I totally understand that feeling.

Your XOP may not have the same feelings as my H, but I know my H is completely ashamed everytime anything comes to us re: OC. It reminds him that he cannot raise that child; it is OUR LOSS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> We have pictures and OC is not only cute but I'm sure intelligent, funny, precious, etc. etc. Does that bring US any joy? no. It does bring a lot of pain. It reminds us of all the pain of the affair, having to pay ch-support, knowing that this wonderful child is biologically related but completely outside our lives, beyond our physical and emotional reach, in the hands of a woman who hates me and thinks I, the wife, is what keeps her child from having a daddy, without taking any responsibility for the fact she chose adultery with a long-distance MM.

Like catnip said, it is a tragedy. What can your XMM do...? Can he play daddy to OC? That would mess up your family AND his. X essentially had to give up his son to your H, like an adoption without the legalities. So let him GRIEVE and let him LET GO. You enjoy the JOY of your OC, but don't expect X can feel the same.

<small>[ August 31, 2002, 05:46 AM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

Catnip,
I loved your post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear NPLH,

You wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Or maybe I thought he doesn't deserve to see what a beautiful child he produced if he can't even be bothered to ask about him on his own.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One thing that my H's affair has made me realize is that the old saying "sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind" is right on target.

I am sure that it was difficult for both you and the xMM to decide to move forward in your lives with your respective spouses and without each other. So much more difficult when a child was produced.

Perhaps it would help for you to think of the xMM as making a great sacrifice by choosing not to see his son. That sacrifice will enable you and your H to strengthen your marriage and raise your child together. And perhaps given your desire to make your marriage work, this is the best option for not only you and the xMM, but for your son.

Several times on this Board, we have had lengthy posts about selfishness and whether the two people involved in the affair want contact because of the child or because of themselves. There are no easy answers. But it can be seen as a selfless act for either parent to relinquish their rights in order to allow the child to have a traditional life.

You deserve kudos. What you did took strength and caring. I would not say anything to my H unless there are deeper feelings that need to be addressed. If you are, in fact, looking for acceptance of your son by the xMM as CM asked you, then perhaps those are feelings that you should talk through with your H.

The others are so right -- there is absolutely nothing wrong with you or your child. Difficult choices had to be made by all involved. It is very normal in recovery to occasionally look back or even take a few steps back. Don't be too hard on yourself if that is all this episode was.

I will pray for your strength and clarity of mind to understand what you are feeling and to deal with it in a way that makes the most sense for you and your family.

love,
heavenly

How true...You are all SOOOO ON TARGET - thank you. Again, God is using your words of insight to encourage and strengthen me.

Cruel to be kind - reminds me of a song... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thx, all! (I'm glad I posted.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NPLH,

I just wanted to add my $.02 to all this wonderful advice you've already received. I can't add any more to the side of having done the right thing, and such, but wanted to say something about your final question. I feel that if what you almost did made/still makes you feel guilty, then you need to talk to your H about it. My H received an email a little over a month ago from his first xOW after about 7 years of no contact. Yep, out of the blue, she emails him, including he yahoo addy. She had gotten re-married, and H didn't even know who this person was until he'd read it a couple times. Once he realized who it was, he deleted it, and he told me about it when he got home(this was a military email addy at H's work). I, for one am grateful that he told me about it, as this xOW is the one that H kept in contact for 3 yrs after that D-day. It was something that he felt he needed to tell me to keep himself honest.

I'm not saying that this is what you need to do, you just need to look at your own feelings about this, and if it's making you feel guilty, consider talking w/your H about it. But, don't wait too long to do so. It should be done soon, if that's what you are going to do.

Just my little experience w/something similar that I wanted to share. Hope it helps.

Love,

Tigger