Last night my wife started to act out again and after she took all of my underwear out of my drawer and threw it on me while I was lying in bed, she insisted that I "come clean" with our son. What she is referring to is a daughter that I fathered out of wedlock about 8 years ago.

To make matters worse we lost our eight year old daughter back in October 2000 in a traffic accident (ped. vs. car). I carried alot of guilt about this secret especially since the irony of my wife and I losing a daughter and yet some how I had a back-up. I'll be the first to admit that my actions were inexcuseable but I don't believe that my son is ready to hear this revelation.

What do you think?

Me 41 WS BS
Wife 38 WS BS
Son 12
DDAY for wife's affair was August 5, 2002
DDAy for my daughter was August 18, 2002

<small>[ August 31, 2002, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: tbbman ]</small>

I agree with your wife. I belive it would be better for your son, to hear the truth from his father. It would be horrid for him to find out from someone else, perhaps, at a later time.

Maybe speaking to a family, or marriage counselor, on how to tell him, would help.

ember

tbbman

This is the worst thing I can imagine...to loose a child. The only other thing that comes close to this heartbreak is finding out your spouse has had a child with someone esle. Your wife has suffered the two worst possible things imaginable and her pain must be completely unbearable.

tbbman, whatever she wants, do it. I know loosing your daughter is every bit as painful to you as it is to her, but her pain is compounded by the OC and I can only imaine what must go through her head...

I am not sure what her motive is in telling your 12 year old son, but it is imperitive this be done in a counselor's office where a crisis can be contained and damage minimized. But, before this is done, perhaps you and your wife can attend several sessions first to lay the ground work for the 'announcement' and to find out what her motivation is.

She is reacting in agony of her profound losses...her daughter to a tragic accident and the loss of her marriage and the exclusivity of your relationship and she probably feels she is in quicksand.

Give her wide berth, tbbman...practice saying "how high" and "what color".

This must be miserable for you. I can only imagine the pain you are going through yourself. Don't kid yourself that your son doesn't already know about OC...I am sure he has picked up plenty walking through the house to grab a soda on his way out the door. With this kind of tension and drama and words at elevated levels and night raids of clothing dumped from drawers in the middle of the night, he must have been witnessing something and has drawn some of his own conclusions. He needs reassurance and probably the truth. At 12 he is probably mature enough, but only you can determine that.

We have opted not to tell our kids, but then, they are grown adults and do not live with us and my husband and I are in agreement on this position. They were not witness to the screaming pain before and after d-day or the months following so we were able to easily hide some of our business from them.

You and your wife and your son are in my prayers, tbbman...I know this is very, very difficult for you.

Love

Catnip =^^=

tbbman,

Firstly, I'm so so sorry for the death of your daughter. The pain is horrible. It is cruel for anyone to suggest your OC is a "backup" because you do not know, love and have OC in your life the way you knew the daughter in your home.

We lost a baby to birth defects prior to my H's A. I went to support group meetings with other parents who had lost children and that was a great help to me. I learned a lot. I wonder if it would've helped my H....

Is your W geting any counseling??? Many of us on this board have discussed how deaths, miscarriages, infertility (all loss-related) issues contribute to some affairs. It can bring up feelings about old, past deaths/losses without our even realizing it. Do you know of any loss issues in your W's past? This might help you understand her current crazy-feelings.

I'm sorry that your W is giving you this ultimatim. MarriageBuilders would say big marital decisions like this should be made by consensus, by MUTUAL AGREEMENT, not before. But if you think your W will tell son against your wishes, you are forced into deciding if you want to "beat her to the punch" or let it go and risk her or someone else telling him. Is it worth that risk? It's terrible that others would not put your son's feelings first (since you feel he isn't ready), but it sounds like your W is "acting out" in many areas of her life--sort of lost her head.

You could consider telling your son in the presence of a counselor (esp. one with experience in these issues!). Our first marital counselor had experience w/adultery and OCs. He advised us not to tell our children @OC until the teen years unless there was visitation prior. He described helping couples tell their teen children pretty successfully (I still don't look forward to it but...).

Okay, Prayers and good wishes,
J
in recovery 4 years and glad I stayed:)

Dear tbbman,

My children do not know of OC. My H has refused to tell them although I also worry that they will find out in an unsavory way. However, I feel that since it is his OC, I must take his lead on how he is going to break the news to the kids.

Like Catnip said, your wife must be feeling so many different and heartbreaking emotions right now, it might be best to fully discuss this matter with her when she is less emotional. She might have been reacting to a trigger and once things calm down she will feel differently.

If you decided that your son should be told, perhaps you should first speak with a counsellor to find out how the break the news. My concern would be that your son might feel exactly as you expressed in your post -- that your OC is a back-up daughter. He may resent the OC and you on the spot simply because of those kinds of feelings. Loyalty and love for his younger sister may cause him to have feelings that he may not know how to handle if he finds out that he has another sister around the same age.

As adults we know that a child is irreplaceable, however, I would be very concerned about how a 12-year old would react. Just food for thought.

Good luck with your decision. I will keep your family in my prayers.

love,
heavenly

Thanks to all of you for the kind words! Last night my wife and I spoke briefly about the divorce that she has been threatening me with for over a year. She actually did file and subsequently withdrew the divorce filing on our anniversary of all days!

I told her last week that while I understood that she was hurting, I could no longer take the verbal abuse, lack of any affection, conversation, or time together. SHe says that she is still grieving for her lost lover and frankly after a year of her bull@#$% I could care less. All I care about is my son and my own well-being.

Well now she wants to try to work on the marriage because I told her that I was ready to move on and rebuild my life. Like my therapist says don't believe a word she says because she is so "wacked out."

I'll just take it day by day for now.

Sorry to sound like a pessimist but her wanting to 'work' on the M is probably nothing more than HER FEAR of losing you and your son and not a real desire of actually rebuilding the M. A good way to verify her intentions is to see how eager she is to go to marital counseling with you.

While your therapist has a point in telling you not to beleive a word she says (WS have a tendency to lie quite a bit, don't they), you still have to develop a line of communication because she IS the mother of your son, no matter whether the M survives or not. So developing a good R with her is vital for the overall health of your S and for both of you as well.