I'm married 17 years with 2 beautiful teenaged daughtes. H has lied to me and cheated on me so many times I've lost count. Affairs have included family members, co-workers and only God knows who or what else.

7 years ago H was a drug abuser who decieded to clean his act up once and or all which he did via rehab. I can remember going to family group therapy as a result and being told that if my daughters and I didn't continue the therapy my marriage would fail. Well here I am 7 years later still married but my marriage has been through more ups and downs then I would like to remember. H has finally admitted that he is a sex addict but does not know how to ask for help. I'm so glad he admitted this. Anyone in this day and age who has multiple affairs has to be sick.

I learned in May that my H has a co-worker pregnant. A little over a year ago H was seeing OW-A co-worker and this year another OW-B co-worker is pregnant who insisted on keeping the child. H made it clear that he did not want another child. H claims he can live without this child in his life and is willing to do what ever it takes to try and save our marriage. H claims that he does not communicate with this woman but I have reason to believe that he is still contacting her via phone.

H and I are now in couseling seperate and together. Whats sad is that H is trying to live life as if nothing has happened there's nothing to discuss regarding this OC (IF IT'S HIS). H's claim is that I will call all of the shots. I don't mind calling the shots but I need to know that he is in total agreement with my wishes. Otherwise, I know i won't work. We are supposed to discuss this in our next session withour conselor. This is one of the worst experiences I've ever lived. I'll stop here because I can go on and on.

i've been ROBBED

It's always so horrible for us if our spouses are serial cheaters because you wonder about the lack of character and integrity issue....it makes it impossible to seperate truth from fiction.

When there is a flagrant breach of trust that occurs over and over again, drastic measures need to be put into action.

Here on the Marriage Builders site, Dr. Harley has developed a brillant and successful program that has worked for scores of damaged marriages and led couples through recovery to restored marriages.

His policies and principles, if followed, can do this for you and your husband, too. The first thing that needs to be done is to study the principles and immediately implement them into your life. Read everything oriented to the Marriage Builder philosophy you can get your hands on both on this site and in any books recommended. Once you and your husband have a clear understanding on how to work the program, you will be on the road to recovery.

Success of this recovery depends on your husband, too. If he is determined to save the marriage and wants to fix things, then he must become a practicing advocate of Marriage Builders and embrace the principles and enter into a strict Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA).

If he is unwilling to do this, then his decalarations are nothing more than lip service and there are things you can do to save yourself and your family and evenutually you might save your marriage too. These are called Plan A and Plan B.

You can recover from this terrible and painful situation and your husband can recover from his problems, however, he may need some pretty in depth therapy if he is a serial cheater/sex addict.

As far as a possible OC, it is recommended here at MB that the Wayward Spouse (WS) has NO CONTACT with the OW and pays no money to the OW until after the OC is born and a DNA test has offically proved paternity. We have had several situations here where couples have paid money for months only to find out later the OC did not belong to WS.

Don't be shy. We don't know who you are...you could be Madonna for all we know. The anonymity of this site provides excellent cover for our identities. Sometimes when we get more comfortable with each other, we offer some personal information on a site such as describing our homes, exchanging recipes or other fun threads, but that is just because we have become affectionate of one another and like to feel closer to each other. Sometimes we do this because our threads can become heavy and deep and we just need some relief. And sometimes we have terrible fights here among one another but ultimately, we kiss and make up and we attain a higher level of udnerstanding. Some of our worst adversaries become our best friends...and it is a beautiful thing.

So keep coming back and join in the fracas and let us help you and guide you through the Harley principles and even if the marriage doesn't survive, you will. Most marriages are being repaired here, though...the success rate is pretty amazing.

Welcome (this is something we all hate to say because who the hell wants to be in this sad little club) but, you have come to the right place and were guided here by divine intervention.

Love

Catnip =^^=

Thanks so much for the welcome. I'm taking your advice and will begin to study the principles as recommended.
I have one question. How did you manage to get your spouse to work the Marriage Builder site? I'm having the hardest time getting H to realize that he has to read necessary materials to assist in this recovery? I know I can't force H to anything he does not want to do. Miht you have any suggestions?

It wasn't until my husband was sure I wasn't going anywhere. That took about six months, although he did accompany me to Retrouvaille three months after D-Day. (see www.retrouvaille.org. it has an 85% success rate)

He needed to make sure in his own mind that the damage he caused wasn't so extensive that I couldn't forgive him. Once he was fairly secure I was committed, he took interest in the MB principles.

While he doesn't read everything I do, or put in the time and effort I do, he and I discuss everything about the site, the special problems, issues and Harley's principles and once we understood and entered into a Policy of Joint Agreement and we were over the "one step foward, two steps back dance" of Plans A & B, we were pretty much on the right road to recovery.

Just like the Supremes say "You Can't Hurry Love", the same is true of recovery. The first year or so is the toughest, at least it was for me. The emotions are so acute that it was exhausting for me. I obsessed, I raged, I cried, I screamed, I carried on something awful. Everything was way too intense to suit me and I resented what ahd happened and that my life was changed forever without my having any say-so whatsoever.

I was a hard case and because my marriage has always been so incredibly important to me that when he did this to me, to himself and to us, I literally went crazy for a time. But, hey...if I can do it, anyone can.

Patience is so important and necessary to get through this alive...and coming here is the touch stone to keep you grounded during this volitile time in your life. Others should be along shortly to mouth off and give you their two cents.

You'll find the people here absolutely wonderful, supportive, loving and compassionate. We are all here to help so please stick around and let the healing begin.

Read "I Have A Question" thread by MALC.

Love

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ September 02, 2002, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>