There are a lot of issues here and I'm not sure where to begin, but this is a start.
My husband tells me he feels he has no privacy. I read the concept of radical honesty and can't seem to find an answer. I will share anything with my husband as women tend to do. He wants to keep things private or to himself.
When I say "things" what I mean is his addiction to porn. We have been married for almost 3 years. He says he has looked at porn since he was young. He comes from a catholic background, I come from a christian background.
He says I am trying to take away something from him that is part of him. I tell him that I don't mind the masturbation-but I realize that it is probably not possible for him without the porn.
I have heard of couples watching porn together, which I am willing to do-but he is not. He says he feels ashamed when he does it.
I would say we only have sex a couple times a month if that.
I think that is what bothers me more, is that I have a stronger sex drive than him. He knows that I am available for sex-yet he chooses to masturbate a couple of times a week.
That is where I feel the most hurt.Our schedules conflict at times but I think there needs to be more effort there to be together.
Us not having sex that often is not something that has changed over our marriage-it has pretty much always been like that. On our honeymoon he told me not to expect that we would have sex as often.
I read the other post about the husband that goes to strip clubs-and one of the replies about maybe he is more accustemed to pleasuring himself then he is to having sex with his wife. I'm beginning to see that that may be the case here.

Samantha, do you think it's possible that he prefers porn and masturbation because he is avoiding intimacy? If so, he may not even be aware of the distinction. Was there abuse in his childhood?

A year ago, I would have answered "no" to both of the above questions in regard to my husband. I've only recently learned that the true answer to both is "yes".

Also, depending on the frequency of his porn use, he may be satisfying himself sexually in that activity, which leads to inability to be as sexually active with you, his W.

Have you looked at the sex addiction sites mentioned in the other posts? They were very helpful to me.

Best wishes,
PM

Yes, this is exactly what I have been thinking. We had a talk one night about Intimacy, and not just sexual intamacy. I exactly feel like he would rather pleasure himself then have sex with me. We both come from abusive families. I have probably dealt with more of it on my side than he has. When we first met I was under the impression that a lot had been dealt with, but I am now coming to realize that there are still many issues there. I know this requires love, patience and understanding from me. I feel he is where I was about 10 years ago. I couldn't imagine intimacy in a loving way, I could not fatham the idea of having to be married and have sex with someone. I've worked through that now. So I guess I'm having a little bit or a lot of difficulty remembering what that was like. I guess a fear of mine is that he may never deal with some of these things and it sounds awfully selfish and impatient of me.
I will check out those other sites and keep praying and working on myself.
Thank you for your reply.

It's always good to pray and to do things to better yourself, but it won't fix him. Only he can choose to get help and to work on himself. I wanted to recommend the book to you, "Dealing with your husband's secret wars." I think it could help you with your feelings right now and give you some steps to take.
Take care.

Samantha,

My first marriage was like this. I have a very high sex drive, but my ex was using porn and masturbating even though I was always more than willing. It was very difficult to go through.

Samantha,

If your husband has used it since he was young, then I believe you really need to address this with him and address it in terms of true intimacy.

One of the true drawbacks of pornography is that it also harms the intended audience - men. When sexuality and sexual behaviors are learned from pornography, we must look at what pornography entails and what lessons would be learned from it.

Pornography entails pictures of women (and men, but predominately women) of varying differences. Different hair colors, different skin colors, different ethnicities, different grooming methods. It inherently involves these women being available ON DEMAND whenever the viewer (most often men, and in your case a male) wants. The names of these women are not known. Their backgrounds are not known. Their wants/needs/desires are not known - and frankly, that's part of the fantasy world that pornographers seek to create.

They then become not human individuals valued for their entirety, which includes not only their bodies, but their minds, thoughts, emotions, dreams, and goals - but objects used to gratify a sexual urge.

Then, what would one learn from frequent long-term use of pornography? That female sexuality exists for the pleasure of men. That female sexuality should be produced in whatever form desired, whenever it is desired, regardless of the needs of the female. One would learn that female sexuality is a commodity that should be readily available without having to consider the needs of the female at all, or meet them. Respect is not necessary.

This form of "enjoying" female sexuality, then, is not earned through intimacy, respect, trust, and mutual fulfillment.

This fantasy world in many ways becomes an expectation for real-world relationships that no real flesh-and-blood woman could ever achieve and deprives males of vital knowledge of how to cultivate a real, deep, meaningful, bidirectional relationship with women.

BTW, I also think that women are plagued by the same problem when it comes to romance novels, which create a fantasy expectation that no real man can ever achieve.

What this comes down to is less Radical Honesty and more Policy of Joint Agreement. If you aren't enthusiastic about it, then it doesn't happen. If he does it anyway, that translates to, "What I want to do is more important to me than your feelings." This specifically translates to, "My desire to look at pornography is a higher priority to me than are your feelings."

It is this prioritization that is the most scary aspect of pornography use, and is very indicative of addiction.

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 03:34 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

This seemed to be a very interesting debate going on. I am not even sure how to say or help. I wanted to say something from the Bible itself.

Jesus said in Matthew 5:28 - "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

I can't tell you it's going to be easy because it is very strong addiction. Um, I do understand how you feel about the part when he prefers his own pleasure instead of being with you. It has happened to me. When I found out that my husband looked at the porn. I was devastated because I felt like he was not satisfied with my body and he prefers the other woman's. After that happened, he realized how much it has hurt me and our marriage. I was hoping that this verse would help you?

Hi everyone,
Looking for comments and/or advice...

My BF is separated and getting divorced. He, his wife, and I all live in different countries. He has been visiting me for the past month (I guess we are living together, temporarily). At first, I never entered 'his' room at my place without his permission even though the door was always open, because I respect his privacy. Then he told me not to be silly as he had nothing to hide.

Recently, he started closing the door. And reeking of alcohol and a couple of times he was hornier than usual. I told him I was concerned that something was troubling him that he was turning to alcohol for comfort instead of sharing his burden with me. I asked him about our sex life and he said "I'll tell you what it wasn't -- it wasn't medication." (He uses viagra for medical reasons.)

Things added up and I got suspicious, so when he went on a trip, I poked my nose into the drawer where he keeps his stuff in his room. I found a bottle of vodka and some soft-porn videos.

Previous to all this, we have had frank and sensitive talks about alcohol abuse and porn because we both drink heavily at times and recognize it's not healthy; we both like erotic films, and he said it helps his ED but he doesn't want me to think he prefers it to me -- I said we should watch it together and use it as a tool to enhance our love life.

I was in the wrong to look through his stuff. At the same time, I am unhappy about his secret stash of alcohol and porn. Now, what should I do? Do I have a right to expect him to do things differently? Am I being controlling and demanding? Should I trust him? Should he trust me?

Are the Total Honesty and Joint Agreement policies applicable to us if we want to use them, although we are not married? We have talked about them lightly, and seemed to be in agreement about wanting to have a relationship based on such ideals... Can I get 'us' back on track with accusing him of love busting and deal breaking and hime accusing me of the same?!

I love this man and would like to get married with him some day. How can I create the right foundations for a healthy and lasting commitment?


Thanks for your help!

Salt