Just wanted to update everyone--I've decided to continue Plan A and H has moved back home. It's hard to explain, but I'll try.

H has put a bed in his room that he uses for the band and is staying in there. We are spliting the bills so I don't feel like I'm being used since I make more money. I am continuing Plan A because when I went back and reviewed it again (thanks, Catnip) I realized that I had not done my best to avoid angry outbursts towards H. I may get slammed for living like this, but I think it is best. It is best for both of us (and our children) financially and I do know that he is here and not with OW. Speaking of that, I do have the satisfaction that he didn't run to her when he left here. He went to a hotel near here (OW lives out of state) the first night and then stayed at his mother's (five minutes away) the next night. I offered for him to move back in, but told him that the bills would be separated and I do not approve of how he's handling situation with OW. His claim is that this is the best way to handle (telling her he loves her and leading her on) the OC situation so she won't go ballistic on him. Something about the state she had OC in lets you put someone on BC whether or not they sign saying the child is theirs. I'm still getting used to this living arrangement so you may all have to help me out especially when the jealousy starts rearing it's ugly head!!!

H was using a cell phone that was in my name and I took it back from him saying he needed to get one in his own name if she was going to be calling it. He gave it with no problems saying that he agreed that was best. I got a small laugh though when she called the phone (H didn't tell her I had it) and was very po'ed to here a woman's name on the voice message. She evidently didn't listen close enough to the name and didn't realize it had been changed to my name. She thought it had a woman's voice saying his name, lol. She was NOT happy by the tone of her messages (two in five minutes) and there was no mention of love on either one. I told H about the messages, but told him that I was not going to play go between for them. I didn't laugh while he was here, but when I left to go get my nails done I had quite a laugh. I don't know how he worked that one out, but I know for a while there was "trouble in paradise". I know it may sound mean, but I'm a little sadistic at times.

I'm handling this living arrangement fairly well while trying to meet his needs. I know he's inititated SF for the last two days - this was after refusing him on the day he moved back in because I told him I would no longer disrepect myself and provide him with SF for the sole reason that I was afraid he would get it somewhere else. I guess you could say we're taking it slow--H doesn't participate in MB so he has no idea what I'm doing. I'm playing it cool right now. Letting him have his space, but being here if he needs me. (If I'm misunderstanding Plan A someone please let me know.) H is also letting me know where he going (at least has so far) and when he'll be back. As Catnip would say, I'm "as if'ing"!!

I know it seems probably a little strange, but I wanted to update everyone and thank them for their support. Also, to ask if this living arrangement seems too wacky to work????

With love,

Need some advice. Bear with me I haven't had much sleep in the last two days so I'm a little goofy right now. I explained above our living arrangement in my daily soap opera of a life. The problem I'm having is sleeping knowing that he's at the other end of the house and not in my bed with me. Keep repeating to myself that he's here and not there--whether he's on the phone with her or not--he's here and not there, doesn't seem to be helping right now. Should apply Radical Honesty here and let him know that I have trouble sleeping when he's not in the bed with me or should I not say anything? I don't want to upset the delicate balance (LOL) that we have and I'm still in the process of reapplying Plan A.

We seem to be getting along much better now though; H actually patted my behind earlier while I was walking in front of him today and when I turned around he grinned and said sorry. So when he left to go to the store I patted his behind and said, "Oops sorry" while grinning at him. Seems funny to be flirting with him again like that--not funny just a new but old kind of feeling. Maybe that's not a good explanation, but I'm sure ya'll know what I mean.

Seriously though, do apply RH here or just let it be for now?????

This is excellent, dumplin...I am glad you are working this out this way. It will give you ample time to work on yourslef and this marriage and actually live the MB principles. No angry outbursts, which is very difficult, but I know you can do it.

When your husband gives you some lame story that he has to tell OW he loves her because he is afraid she will go ballisitic is so incredibly ridiculous, it must be almost impossible not to call him on it. She can't do anything to him, dumplin. He doesn't need to even speak to her on any level except through a mediator or a third party about the child only...has DNA been officially proven yet? If not, he owes her nothing. If so, then all dialogue should be through a third party.

Concentrate on Plan A as long as you can do it and after you have exhausted all your resources and you don't see an improvement, that is when you go to B.

I'll keep you in my prayers...stay strong.

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ September 03, 2002, 12:31 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Thanks Catnip. I really appreciate the support. I reimplementing Plan A and reading and rereading the entire Harley site and I've found some very interesting posts by NLC (I think that's what the name was) about Plan A and B.

I've reread my post and I feel like I need to explain the splitting bills part. I make more than double what H makes most of the time (H income is up and down) and I've been feeling used because I've felt that I've paid most of the bills while he just pours more into the band. Now that the bills are separate--I have mine, he has his, and we split ours--I don't feel used for money and H has to take responsibility for his own stuff. I don't have to worry about his phone bill being outrageous because of calls to OW because I don't have to worry about paying them anymore "out of my money". That was one of our biggest issues--me paying bills that involved her in one way or another and feeling like it was coming out of my money instead of his. Now I don't even have to worry about opening it; if it's too high for him to pay it will just get shut off. That may sound harsh, but I call it tough love......

Bump, I really need advice on whether or not to tell H about sleeping problems. Have had about six hours sleep in two days.

Lay off coffee, caffienated soda, chocolate and practice some yoga even if you aren't familar with it. Just sit cross legged on the floor with soothing music and breath slowly and deeply for fifteen minutes then take a hot bath. Do lotions and a good soft perfume when you get out of the tub then put on something soft and light and just lay down with a boring book.

Don't smoke either because the additives in cigarettes can make you hyper as well.

Just tell your husband that you miss sleeping with him and say good night, if you want to. Radical honesty doesn't really apply to an offhand statement.

Relax a little and don't analyze everything to death or worry whether or not you are working the program right or not. Do what you feel is right for you. Avoid LB's and disrespectful judgments and be lovingly detached. No sarcastic remarks or shots. Act peaceful and happy and take care of yourself. Do lots of nice and fun little things for yourself that you enjoy. Spoil yourself a little and make yourself your number one priority. Spend some time with your kids and enjoy them whether husbnad is around or not.

Sometimes when we are upset or thinking too much we can't sleep until we exhaust ourselves.

Sweet dreams

Catnip =^^=

Catnip,

Thanks for the suggestions. I got some sleep last night; I think I was so exhausted I just fell out, but I got some sleep. I have to get ready for work now, but I'll be back on later.

With love,