Hello Friends!

I have been mulling over my counseling session last week, and I am curious about something.

The counselor asked me if I thought I would survive without H.

Seems a strange question to me. She mentioned that in the next session we would be talking about whether or not H or I was financially able to be without the other. I am confused.

Why delve into this type of subject?

It seems to me that she is trying to steer me toward a separation.

I told her that I was very capable of handling my finances and myself. I found out last spring that I am very capable of taking care of myself. And should I have to do so again, I am not afraid of it.
But, as H and I seem to be working through this mess, I don’t see why I should even have to consider that at this point in time.

Things between H and I have gotten better ever since my meltdown. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
We have both been able to control our LB’s during our “discussions.” H has mentioned that I am getting better at not yelling when I get angry. He said that I have been much easier to talk to lately. He even is attributing that to my counseling sessions… (I have only had 2) So I am hoping that this may influence him to get some counseling for himself.

But, I believe that the main reason that I am getting more of a “grip” on things is through the Power of Prayer.

Thanks again!

<small>[ September 03, 2002, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</small>

Remember how much of an [censored] your H was in therapy? If that's all your MC saw, they may be trying to "shock" your H a little. Have you had another, more productive session with the MC yet?

I had an MC tell my H I wouldn't stick around forever, eventually I would leave even if I didn't know it yet. Turned out to be true, and I never forgot it. However, at the time it had no effect on my H at all.

Don't know, but be sure and stick to your goals in therapy. Here's another tip--ASK!! As a counselor, it would be so cool if a client asked me what I was doing. The MC is an expert, but that doesn't mean you can't ask for feedback or explanation. A good C will be happy to provide, IMHO!
EJ

Its individual counseling for me. H has not decided to get his own, let alone do a Joint counseling session.

I truly wonder what he was thinking when he decided to go to the first session.

Yes, he was an @$$ and that may be what she is basing her thought pattern on.

After my session last week, I went home and H and I had a long discussion about the phone calls from WannaBe...
He promised to call me and let me hear him tell her not to call anymore. So far, no call.

Also, she told me she would call me and let me know if he called her... AGAIN, no call.

I still suspect that exOW and WannaBe have been conspiring against H and me. And recently, another totally unrelated source has confirmed that exOW and WannaBe are becoming chummy again.

I feel my marriage is under attack and the counselor seemingly steering me into a separation seems like the WRONG way to go.

I will ask her tomorrow what she is getting at. I don't see how using any kind of ultimatum on H, at this point, is going to help.
We are communicating more now than we have in 6 yrs. And frankly, I am grateful for the little steps forward that we have made...
I am not interested in throwing a stumbling block of my own in this mess... I have had plenty that have been thrown by exOW and WannaBe...

Thanks for the reply EJ, I appreciate it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Stacia,

The statement of "ultimatum" is a flashing warning sign to me. I believe that you and H have worked through some major stuff these past couple weeks, what with "Wanna-be" and xOW getting all chummy. Who's to say that they were ever really at odds with eachother?! I believe that you and H should continue to work together on your communication, and giving H and ultimatum now would just push him over the edge, even if he's not anywhere near that edge! I think that you should ask your C about that question of if you can handle it w/out H.

Besides all the other garbage, how's things w/Lilbit? Is H still being her "day care provider"? Have you heard anything about this mystery guy claiming to be H? Anything new with the other court stuff?

I miss catching you on IM! I know how it is when you get so busy! Hope to catch you soon, before we move!

Love,

Tigger

If MC only saw your husband once and all she remembers is his appalling behavior, that is a first impression that is hard to shake. I agree with Tigger and EJ that you should just ask her why she seems to be herding you toward 'independance'.

I'd be curious of the answer....she might think you are too good for him.

Love

Catnip =^^=

Stacia_Lee--My IC has been doing the same thing to me. I know that the reason she is doing this is because she considers H to be the cause of my anxiety/panic problems. Note: I have been seeing this IC since November 2001.

However, I have told her numerous times that I realize that a lot of my problems stem from my current relationship, but we want to work on keeping our marriage together and that I want to work on me and my shortcomings and coping skills (he realizes he needs to see a counselor to do some work on himself, as well). Nevertheless, we go through the divorce badgering three or four times a session and it is too much for me.

I am calling today to cancel all my appt's with this IC, even though I really enjoy the cognitive/behavioral approach that she uses with me (I will also appreciate saving the copay each week!). We will still be going to marriage counseling every other week, and I plan to find another counselor to work with; one that might respect my decision and help me work with it.

Unfortunately, I have found that counseling is like trying to find the right medicine; you have to try different ones and different combinations until you get the right one.

I like EJmom2B's statement: be sure to stick to your goals in therapy. There are lots of really smart people on this board! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am not sure that I am going to continue going to this counselor.

Sure it’s free… and I only have 2 more free sessions after today…
But what good is it going to do if she is working against what I want to do?

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1. I want to find a way to talk to H, about serious marital issues, without LB’ing so much. (LB’ing has been a big problem for me, but getting better, since the meltdown)</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2. I want to help H find the answers to what is really bothering him. There are things, deep down, causing his depression and making him destructive to himself and our M. I don’t want it to become so bad that it affects Lil Bit.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3. I want to rebuild my M. I don’t want to throw ultimatums around, ie. “Stop talking to so’n’so or I am leaving.” There must be a better way. Ya know, “You can catch more flies with Honey than you can with Vinegar” that is the way I am looking at it.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I appreciate all the replies, so very much. You don’t know what you all mean to me.
**********

Tigger,
As far as the DayCare situation… yes, we are still watching Lil Bit every day… this is week 4… Really makes one wonder, doesn’t it?

Stacia Lee
I feel kind of silly replying since I am a fairly new member but I had a session with my IC last night and hope I can make some sense of her questions.
When I first started going to her I was getting the same questions as you are - would I be ok financially - would I be able to survie without my H etc. I was really distressed over these questions and wasn't sure if I should continue to see her. But I think finally last night I got it. She said that I am afraid that H will leave me and until I know that I will be able to survive if the marriage ends I will continue to be afraid and the fear I have is what's causing me to hang on tighther and lb which is having the opposite effect. It is actually pushing my H away. I hope this makes sense. It did take me a while to understand where she was going with this. Maybe this doesn't apply to your situation but I thought maybe it would help.
T.T.H.O.

Stacia
Quote- The counselor asked me if I thought I would survive without H.

IMHO the question posed by your therapist has more to do with how you feel about yourself than if you intend to remain married. I know for me when asked this it made me realize that I was a whole person even without my W. It helped me explore options and set goals that have ultimately brought us closer together. For one it made me understand that my own self worth had not diminished because of something that she had done.
I know that it troubles you but that question in itself is a good question for anyone who has experienced a betrayal as severe as this.
I don&#8217;t know if there are other things that bother you about this therapist but if this is the only issue then I would at least continue for the other two paid sessions.
I feel like I was very fortunate in finding my therapist and I know that it can be hard to find one that is compatible with your situation and needs.
My last visit (I have been seeing her for 22 months) is coming up very soon and I know that I will miss her support but I know that I can safely make it on my own now.

Good Luck and God Bless

Free therapy, hmmmmmmmmmm.

Smacks of an EAP--dangerous, you can be referred to any person. In AZ, you don't even have to have a master's or certification to hang out a shingle (scary).

In my experience (w/EAPs and clients, too), the best way to find a counselor is to be referred by someone you know. Ask friends or family members you trust for someone to see--ask for specifics (is the therapist confrontive? Gentle? Analytic or Cognitive? Etc.). Make sure you know what works for you and go get that thing--therapy is business, and you are free to shop around (as long as your motivated by desire to CHANGE, not hear what you want to hear in therapy. Know the difference!).

If she's not doin' it for ya, by all means go elsewhere. I had a bad therapist refer me to my current one, who I wouldn't trade for the world!

My supervisor thinks all free therapy should be banned--literature shows paying even a little increases client motivation (after all, if I give someone forty bucks, I'd better get my money's worth).

EJ

Stacia,
Usedlongago is right - most of what I am doing with my therapist is to build my self esteem and to know I'm ok and will be without my H if it should ever come to that. But also the fear part for me is a big factor and am working on that also.
As far as free therapy goes - I had 3 free sessions with my IC through work and know am paying for my sessions - and my counselor is wonderful and has helped me a great deal.