Well the motormouth typist is back again. Okay I'm just going to update everyone and ya'll tell me what you think because I'm not sure what to think about some of it.

I went into H's bedroom last night and asked if he was asleep and he said halfway. I told him that I had wanted to talk to him, but that I would go so he could sleep and he said no come on in. I can't repeat this conversation verbatim so I'm just going to summarize.

I told H that I wanted to talk to him and find out what page he was on regarding us, if there were any needs that he had that I wasn't fullfilling (sp?) in the way he wanted, was there anything I was doing that bothered him and lastly I wanted to let him know where I was, what I needed and how I felt about things.

H said he was glad that we were getting along better than we have in a while. He said he's almost to square one (?). He is upset that I have MB posts and e-mail at work that he doesn't have access to that I do use for private use (jokes and MB e-mails) and he doesn't have private e-mail anymore and doesn't have chat rooms anymore--he said he doesn't want them, but it seems unfair that I have them and he doesn't. My response was that 1. MB is a message board and anyone can go in at any time and read what I've wrote 2. I have to e-mail at work because it's for my job 3. I do use the e-mail at work for personal use at times but it's mainly jokes that are forwarded and I talk to MBers by mail to work on myself and our relationship. I told him that MB is helping me alot to avoid having fights because I can come in here and vent and I don't jump on him over something--he said he understood that and he has absolutely no problem with MB at all. I told him that I would be more than happy to let him read my posts but warned him that he might not like some of them because they were wrote in anger and frustration. H said at this time he didn't think it was a good idea for him to read them. I told him that as far as I was concerned he could have private e-mail and go into chat rooms maybe in the future when I felt like I could trust him not to be hitting on every woman he could. H said he didn't even want them though. Okay, fine--I understand all this but why bring this up if he doesn't even want private e-mail and chat rooms????

Okay then my turn (that was all he said). I told him that I felt like I was doing more than he was in trying to repair our relationship and didn't feel like he was giving 100%. H asked what was he doing. Side note-didn't say DUH, but wanted to real badly. I told him the main thing he was doing was still having contact with OW. He started to get defensive and upset at this point telling me that he does have contact, but it's very limited. He said the ringer and answering machine were turned all the way down-not so I wouldn't know who was calling, but because he didn't want to talk to anyone. He said that if it's important that she can leave a message and if he needs to talk to her about something he'll call her. H said he feels cornered whenever I bring her up (?). "The situation is going away as fast as I thought it would and the way I would like it to" was a statement he made. I told him that at least on my end no healing would actually begin until she was completely out of the picture. I didn't tell him this, but I'm beginning to wonder if he's stringing her along just in case I mess up--any thoughts on this? He said he understood that and could see why I said it. He says this all the time and it drives me crazy because it means okay I see what you're saying but that doesn't change anything.

I told him that I also wanted him to know that I realized this would take time. H interrupted here and said that he's afraid that I'm going to get antsy and try to push things too quickly. I told him that I wouldn't push things too quickly, but at the same time I would not live like this forever. H said a year or two isn't that long and I told him that when he made comments like that it hurt my feelings and made me feel hopeless. I told him that I believed that even though (yes) it took us years to get to this point that if we both gave 100% it wouldn't take that long for things to heal between both of us.

We finishe conversation by me asking H if he would fill out EN questionnaire (very nicely asking to if I may add, lol). I told him that I would fill one out for him also. He said he had no problem filling one out. I told him that we would both know what the other needed then and it was up to the individual what they did with that knowledge.

We had SF in his bed and after I told him that I couldn't sleep in his room because he doesn't have an alarm clock (must be nice, huh?) and I had to get up for work in the morning. He agreed and I invited him to our/my bed. H said, "I slept in there one night this week and I don't just want to jump back into things right now." I told him I understood but I had to go back into our bedroom where the alarm clock is and I missed him being in bed with me. H said, "Well maybe that's a good thing." As I was leaving the room H looked up and said, "D, I love you." shocking me almost silent (hard to do). I said, "H, I love you too. I miss you." and I went to bed in a separate room.

This morning was rushed since I overslept and oldest son missed the bus. H had to leave out-of-state (not hers, thank goodness) around 9 this morning so we really haven't had a chance to talk since then. I'm visiting my mother and going to spend the night here with kids so my uncle can change my brake pads and belt in the morning.

Any thoughts on this anyone????? Basically what I got from it was H wants to try but is afraid to put too much into right now (fog crap). Also H may be afraid that if he gives in right now things will go back to the way they used to be--he needs time. Maybe I'm wrong though......whatcha think???

dumplin,

A suggestion I have for you would be to start counseling with Steve or Jenn Harley (appointments can be made at 888-639-1639, and the counseling is done by phone). It sounds like you're at a point where things would hurry along if someone was helping to coach your husband. That person can't be you (you can't afford to 'educate' your spouse, it's a lovebuster)---but Steve or Jenn can do the job just fine.

Another suggestion I have is that you do the "lovebusters" questionnaire first, if you think either one of you have remaining issues along these lines. If the only issue is the OW---then you don't really need it. And before you 'share' the EN questionnaires, please either look up a post by me (with questionnaire as a search component) to see how to share them, or post back and I'll give the info to you. In the hands of rookies, these questionnaires can sometimes become blunt objects that are used to bludgeon the other spouse. I'd like you to avoid that mistake...

Thanks K. I will make sure to look up your post after I finish posting to you, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

On the counseling thing, I wish I could afford to. Also, H would not participate even if I did. We tried marriage counseling and H would agree while there and change his entire story once we left. I didn't know what was going on at the time, but it probably didn't help that our counselor was pregnant and by the looks of it and timing probably about as far along as the OW or very close. At this time, I didn't know OW was even back in contact or pregnant though or I would have found another counselor.

I can't afford 185 per session (unless it was once a month and then it would still be tight right now) and I don't think it would be covered by my insurance. Sorry. I wish I could afford it; maybe once I get my new job and start making more I can.

Dumplin,

I hear you for the cost issue. Back when I was counseling with Steve it had just gone up from $45 to $60 a session. I hadn't seen the additional bump to $185.

Having said that, however---I still think it's a bargain, especially if your husband is willing to give it a try.

I will call and check on that price, but that is what is listed on the web site. Also, I don't think H would be interested right now (I may be wrong though; I'll check after seeing what the price is). I know it's priceless to save your marriage, but at the same time I have two kids that have to eat!

Well another update for everyone. H is upset with me because I spent the night at mother's and didn't tell him (wasn't planning to).

H-You didn't tell me or let me know.

D (me)-I don't have the number for the band house and I wouldn't have any way to let you know unless I stayed up until 2 or 3 in the morning to call you since it's a pay phone inside the house.

H-I tried to call after the show last night and no one answered. I thought you might still be up.

D-No I went to bed around midnight-I would not have been up that late knowing I had to get up with the kids the next day. Did you try the cell phone (H-no). I didn't say it, but my thought was if I had used the gas to go home and then come back in the morning waiting for him to call he never would have called like normal. I used to sit around (with my thumb up my behind) waiting for him to call and he didn't so I decided instead of waiting and wasting my life I was going to do what I needed to do.

H-You could have came home and drove back in the morning.

D-Was trying to save gas since uncle couldn't fix Jeep until this morning.

H-On that subject, why did you have him fix it instead of waiting for me to get back? You're always having other people fix things while I'm gone and it makes me look like I don't do anything. You had your brother change the spark plugs and wires (hadn't been changed in over 100,000 miles and I had repeatedly asked H to do it), my brother change the oil (he was three states away at this time and oil change was way over due-was clotting up) and now your uncle changed the brake pads.

D-Well when I went yesterday to get the new tires, the people at the brake shop told me that the driver's side had no pad on it and if I didn't replace it soon, this weekend, that I would have to buy new rotors. I was scared and I also have two kids and didn't want to get anyone hurt. Also said while we're on this subject, you're always complaining about having to fix sh*t and "something always breaking". I don't want to ask you to do something when someone else will gladly do it for me without complaining? (Makes perfect sense to me) Did not say half the time when I do ask him to do something even after I buy the stuff to do it, it gets put off and put off and I get tired of that.

H-Well you could have waited for me. It makes everyone think bad of me.

D-I explained situation to uncle about you, H, being out of state and what the people at the tire place said and joked about just using it as and excuse to come and visit them for a day (live an hour away by mother and I don't see them often). He also replaced the belt that had been squealing and was about to break (this is the belt that runs everything in Jeep and I haven't had air conditioning all summer because I've been afraid to use it).

D-I'm sorry that I've upset you and it won't happen again. I didn't realize that it would upset you and I'm sorry again.

H-Is that all you did? Get your nails fixed and the brakes and belt fixed?

D-Yes, oops no. I went by my sister's house last night to see if her boyfried could fix it but he said he didn't know how. (When we separated before I lived with mother and had a very short relationship with someone else. I guess he was worried about me maybe seeing this guy that I haven't spoken to in over a year and a half---I don't understand why though.)

Now H is still upset and probably a little confused that I didn't get defensive and yell at him or anything. I just directly answered his questions and explained my position. I then apologized and told him it wouldn't happen again. Hopefully he got the point about fixing things though--I hate asking him and listening to his spill about always having to fix things.....

Love,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by K:
<strong>dumplin,

Another suggestion I have is that you do the "lovebusters" questionnaire first, if you think either one of you have remaining issues along these lines. If the only issue is the OW---then you don't really need it. And before you 'share' the EN questionnaires, please either look up a post by me (with questionnaire as a search component) to see how to share them, or post back and I'll give the info to you. In the hands of rookies, these questionnaires can sometimes become blunt objects that are used to bludgeon the other spouse. I'd like you to avoid that mistake...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could you give me a link to your post? Maybe I'm doing something wrong, but I can't seem to find it. Thanks!

I'm so irritated. Just called H to tell him our oldest son cut his foot on some glass and to tell him good luck tonight. H was in shower when I called, but he called me back. I told him about son and after making sure he was alright (bled alot but only a little cut, scared me though) asked me if there was anything else I needed to talk to him about. I could tell by his tone and what he said that he was still upset so I asked him if he was. He said yes.

I told him that there was nothing else I could say to him except what I had already said "I'm sorry and it won't happen again." He starts in on if he would have done that all heck would have broke loose. I told him he has done it (duh) before. I also told him that I felt like was wanting 150 to 200 percent from me while he only gave 50 percent. He said, "What am I doing?" (Is it all men or is mine just stupid?) I said you still have contact with her. He kept saying, "Are you sure you've told me everything you did while you were there?" I kept saying yes and then I finally just bluntly told him to ask me what he wanted to know. He never actually said anything; just kept rambling about he didn't know what I had done. I told him that I wasn't going to fight with him and I felt like he was just trying to start a fight so he would have an excuse to do what he's doing. I also told him we could talk more about it when he got home and he said no just forget it. I told him no that wasn't solving anything; if he felt that strongly about it that we would talk about it when he got home. He said he didn't want to fight about it and I told him that I wouldn't fight about it; if I got too angry to talk that I would leave the room until I calmed down. He knows exactly what buttons to press. I also told him that in my opinion it was a little different for me to stay at my mother's when I don't have contact with anyone from my past while he is continuing contact--that is what makes the difference in my opinion. That didn't set well with him and he started in again on just forget it just forget it. I said no I don't plan on forgetting it; I would like to talk about when you get home (hopefully he'll calm down some by then). He also mentioned me "running off with his kids for 24 hours" (?--had the cell with me) after our discussion the other night. HUH??? Okay I'll admit I'm lost here. I told him that I had the cell phone right beside me and he could have called it. Heck, if he was so worried that I was doing something wrong he could have verified that I was at mother's by calling her house. He ended the call by saying "Tell the kids I love them, I'll talk to you later." I told him I would tell them, said goodbye and hung up the phone.

Okay, part of me says he is just trying to find fault. I admit that I was wrong not to let him know and "making him look bad" by having family fix my jeep, but I feel like he's taking this to an extreme. Maybe it's me.......anyone's thoughts are welcome on this one because I'm not sure what to do.

dumplin,

don't have much time, hubby went to go get dinner, and then we are going to watch a movie.

but you post rings of fog. I remember when H was in the throws of his EA he would find fault in the way I blinked my eyes if he could. Everything ended up in a fight. Even when I tried to be calm and talk rationally about OW/OC it always ended up being my insecurities, what I did to cause the affair, what I was doing to impeed my healing. You name it, it was my fault.

Don't believe it for a second. Don't let him drag you into debates over it either. Address it, say you point and move on. If you don't feed on it, they don't continue. Think of it as a jab punch. Get your jab in and head back to your corner. Leave him standing in the center of the ring alone. Alone to muster over that hit he just received.

I repeat ... don't let him drag you into fights about what you are doing wrong!

Gotta jet,
Z.

Thanks Z. It helps so much for someone to say something nice to me. So I'm not crazy yet, lol?????

I don't plan on fighting with him over this; I'm going to do everything it takes not to fight even if that means leaving the house for a little while. I know what I did wrong and I plan on correcting it, but I'm not going to be put through h#ll over it.

I'm proud of myself though because I have yet to blurt out, "Well at least I got my jeep fixed without having to wait a d@mn month and hear you whine over having to do it." Pat myself on the back because believe me it's been on the tip of my tongue all day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Here’s my take on it.

Sounds to me like he's getting concerned and jealous. You must be changing a lot recently and he's not sure what's going on. His comments about the email and web stuff makes sense to me.

Sometimes we look too hard for motives instead of looking at the obvious. It's not unusual for a BS to have an affair. He's concerned that you could be too and he had no way of knowing it. Even though my H had the affairs, we both have agreed to live under the same rules of no chat, no private email accounts, etc. My agreeing was an act of showing solidarity with him in this recovery. I gave a little and got a lot in return.

The telephone call is the same thing. You’ve changed. He’s not sure what is going on. So he insecure when you are gone and do not keep him informed. He wants you to be the one to do this so that he does not have to play cop.

One of the problems with Plan A’ing for too long is that it becomes a life style. I think that’s where you and your H are at. Something needs to change. Why should he be the one to do it, he’s got it made… he has both you and OW.

Zorweb,

Thanks for your thoughts; I haven't even thought of the things you said concerning me changing. It gives me something to think about. What is your solution? I'm making changes to better myself and my marriage, but if these changes are scaring him at the same time what should I do? I can't say that I'm going to stop changing things that I see I'm doing wrong because I feel very proud of myself for what I have done.

Concerning the e-mail, I work for the state so it's not exactly private e-mail. It is the only other e-mail account that I have besides what is here at the house. Anyone at any time can use the Freedom of Information act and get copies of any and all e-mails I've sent or recieved so I don't think that could really be considered "private" and we also have monitors that pick up certain words (cuss words and sex stuff) so it's not like I'm having cyber sex or anything. And I don't chat anywhere; I despise chat rooms. The closest I come is MB posts and they are readable for anyone on the web. Not trying to be defensive; just explaining my side of it. I would like to have a hotmail account to use for MB, but I won't get one because I would see how that would cause problems.

With love,

About the changes…. Don’t do anything but keep working on yourself. It’s a good thing that he is starting be concerned. He is noticing you, wondering about you. You want his attention on you, no OW. Have you read Divorce Busting ? I think it would give you a lot of reassurance and some great ideas. She says that it only takes on spouse actively trying to change a marriage to save it. That’s because if you change, you force your husband to change. He has no choice. I like to compare it to dancing. If you and you husband have been doing the waltz for years and suddenly you start doing the tango he has to change his steps or fall flat on his face. It’s simple and it works. I have been using both MB and Divorce Busting. They work wonderful together. I hope you will give the book a try.

And now the email. If I were you I’d make sure that my husband had the passwords to my email accounts at home. One for MB makes sense. Just give him the account. Chances are he will not look anyway. Giving him the password will make him feel safe. As for the work one there is nothing you can do about that. So tell him if he’s interested to get the emails through the freedom of information act. And that as long as you are not fired he can be reasonably assured that you are not up to anything. There is nothing more you can do about that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zorweb:
[QB]About the changes…. Don’t do anything but keep working on yourself. It’s a good thing that he is starting be concerned. He is noticing you, wondering about you. You want his attention on you, no OW. Have you read Divorce Busting ?

No I haven't read that; think it may be one of the few I haven't read, lol. Will check it out though, thanks!

I like to compare it to dancing. If you and you husband have been doing the waltz for years and suddenly you start doing the tango he has to change his steps or fall flat on his face.

That's a good way of looking at it. Thanks for the visual image; sometimes helps me get it.

And now the email. If I were you I’d make sure that my husband had the passwords to my email accounts at home.

I don't have any at home except our account that we all use.

One for MB makes sense. Just give him the account. Chances are he will not look anyway. Giving him the password will make him feel safe.

I may try that.....will think on it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

You must be acting "as if" ...
Catnip =^^=

And this is good right, Catnip? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Does acting "as if" cause fights though?????